Equity vs. Equality: How to Balance Time With Multiple Partners

Equity vs. Equality: How to Balance Time With Multiple Partners

Navigating polyamorous relationships can be a beautiful, wild, and exciting adventure! With multiple people in the mix, you get the chance to experience love, intimacy, and connection on many different levels. But let’s be real for a second—keeping everyone happy and fulfilled in polyamory isn't always a walk in the park. It takes intentional communication, understanding, and a little extra work to maintain balance. Today, I want to talk about something I see so many people struggle with: partner equity vs. partner equality.

You may have heard these terms tossed around in poly communities or during relationship chats, but what do they really mean? And more importantly, how do they affect your relationship dynamics? Let’s dive into these concepts, and I’ll also share some tips on how to maintain healthy relationships while meeting your needs and your partners' needs without getting tangled in jealousy or insecurity.

At first glance, equality and equity might seem like the same thing, but trust me—they're very different, especially when it comes to relationships.

Equality in a relationship is about giving the same amount of time, energy, or attention to each partner. Imagine trying to split your love, your time, and your emotional energy equally between two or more people, like dividing a pie into perfect slices. This can be an impossible task, especially when every person in the relationship has different emotional, physical, and social needs.

Equity, on the other hand, is about fairness and adjusting what you give based on what each partner actually needs. It’s not about everyone getting the same amount of pie, but rather everyone getting the amount of pie that makes them feel full, secure, and happy. For one partner, this might mean a lot of alone time. For another, it might mean a lot of togetherness and social activities.

The key takeaway? Relationships aren’t one-size-fits-all. When you focus on equity, you’re acknowledging that different people need different things to feel loved and valued, and that’s perfectly okay.…

Ask Emma: The Science of Attraction and Why You Feel Left Behind

Ask Emma: The Science of Attraction and Why You Feel Left Behind

Hey there! Welcome back to another “Ask Emma,” where I take on your most intimate relationship questions. Today’s question is a heavy one, but also incredibly relatable for anyone who’s explored open relationships or felt left behind in their own marriage.

A new supporter reached out with a story about his 20-year marriage that’s hit a sexual dead end. After opening up the relationship, his wife has shifted her focus to others, leaving their once-loving marriage feeling more like a roommate situation. Let’s get into his story, unpack what’s happening, and figure out some ways forward!

Mark's Story:
"I’ve been married for nearly 20 years, and my wife and I opened up our relationship a while ago. At first, the idea of playing separately and together sounded thrilling, especially for her. In fact I was the one that approached her with the idea! She was so excited by the attention from new men—it was a confidence boost, and I supported her. We wanted to play together and even talked about cuckold scenarios but over time, the 'together' part of our play faded, and our sex life dried up.

Now she focuses on other men, and our relationship feels more like roommates than partners. She told me she craves men who are bigger and can last longer—something I struggle with since I can only last about five minutes and I'd say I'm average sized. Meanwhile, I’ve found a girlfriend who fulfills the emotional and physical needs that I’ve been yearning for in my marriage. My wife seems checked out sexually, and while I still love her, I don’t know how to move forward. I want to feel desired again by her but don’t see a way back. Emma, what can I do?"

My Response:

Oh my gosh, my heart goes out to you. First off, thank you for sharing your story with me. This kind of emotional honesty isn’t easy, but it’s the first step in figuring out what’s next for you and your wife. What you're experiencing isn’t uncommon, especially in marriages that span decades, and it’s even more common in couples who open up their relationship. Let’s take a deep dive into what might be happening emotionally and sexually, and I’ll give you some advice that will hopefully help you find a way forward—whether that’s together or apart.…

Starved for Connection: The Modern Quest for Intimacy and Play

Starved for Connection: The Modern Quest for Intimacy and Play

Hi friends! Let’s dive into a topic that’s been swirling around my mind lately—emotional connection (or the lack thereof) in our busy modern world. Grab a drink, kick back, and let’s get into how we can redefine intimacy through a playful lens, especially in the context of polyamory and monogamish relationships.

Let’s face it: many of us are craving deeper emotional connections. We scroll through our feeds, filled with pictures of perfect lives, yet many of us feel a gnawing emptiness inside. In our fast-paced lives, we often prioritize work, social media, and a myriad of distractions over nurturing our most important relationships. It’s like we’re running on a treadmill, going nowhere while our emotional health takes a backseat.

Remember when relationships were about supporting one another emotionally and socially? In the past, marriage was often a transactional arrangement, primarily for family support. The real socializing happened outside the primary couple. Friends, family, and community played vital roles in providing emotional sustenance. However, as society has evolved, we’ve shifted toward an expectation that our partners should fulfill every single need we have.

That’s a pretty hefty burden to place on one person, right? I mean, can you really expect one partner to be your best friend, therapist, adventure buddy, and, oh yes, your sexual soulmate? It's unrealistic, and it leads to codependency. Instead of building a relationship based on mutual growth, we often find ourselves trapped in cycles of unmet expectations and emotional starvation.

Enter polyamory and monogamish relationships. These terms may sound a bit edgy, but they are all about embracing adult play in social interactions. Instead of fixating on the idea that one partner must meet all our emotional needs, polyamorous relationships allow for multiple connections to fulfill different aspects of our lives. This doesn’t mean abandoning commitment; rather, it’s about expanding our understanding of intimacy.

In her insightful contributions on the Netflix show Sex, Love & Goop, intimacy coach Amina Peterson emphasized that sex is, at its core, a form of adult play. Just like children engage in play to explore and learn, adults can use intimacy and sexuality as a way to connect, express, and discover. By embracing the idea of play, we can reshape our emotional connections to be healthier and more fulfilling.…

My Wife Has a Boyfriend: Using Fantasy to Navigate Challenging Territory

My Wife Has a Boyfriend: Using Fantasy to Navigate Challenging Territory

So, you’re in a relationship, and everything’s been monogamous until now. But one day, your wife expresses a desire to explore other relationships. If that sentence just sent a little twinge through your chest, don’t worry—you’re not alone. This is big stuff! We’re conditioned to think of relationships as monogamous, with marriage being the ultimate goal where two people fulfill all of each other's needs forever. It’s a sweet, romantic idea, but for some of us, it’s just not realistic, especially when your partner’s needs evolve beyond what the traditional monogamy box can hold.

Women today are feeling more empowered and confident in their relationships than ever before, and that confidence is leading many to suggest non-standard relationship dynamics as a way to fully explore their unique needs. As they learn more about their desires, both emotional and sexual, women are realizing that it’s not selfish to want more out of their relationships—it’s natural. For so long, societal expectations pressured women to suppress their needs or feel guilty for not fitting into the traditional mold of monogamy. But as conversations around sexual freedom, emotional fulfillment, and self-love grow, women are embracing the idea that their needs matter. This confidence is fueling a shift toward open relationships, where women feel freer to explore themselves and their desires without shame, while still maintaining strong, loving connections with their partners.

Navigating polyamory when you've been conditioned to monogamy can be an enormous challenge, especially for men. Many men have been trained to see their wife as a prize or object they’ve won, and when she starts exploring her desires with someone else, it can feel like you’ve somehow “lost.” But here’s the thing: it’s not a game, and your wife isn’t a trophy. She’s a full, multi-faceted person with desires of her own, and just because you may not meet all of those desires doesn’t make you less of a partner or less of a man.

In fact, that’s where the one sided open relationship and cuckold fantasy comes in as a bit of a cheat code. The cuckold dynamic isn’t just about your wife being with someone else—it’s about transforming those feelings of insecurity and perceived “loss” into something erotically thrilling. Let’s break this down, shall we?

For most men, the idea of their wife having another partner is difficult to swallow because it contradicts everything they've been taught about relationships. Men are conditioned to believe that they’re in competition with other men to “win” a woman, and once they’ve secured her, she’s theirs alone. It’s all part of the monogamy game where, once the ring’s on, you’re each other’s one and only, right?

But here’s the kicker: your wife isn’t a static object, she’s a living, breathing person with her own evolving needs and desires. When she tells you she wants to explore those needs with someone else, it’s not a reflection of your inadequacy—it’s just her wanting to experience something different. Different doesn’t mean better. It just means different.…

From Survival to Love: How Female Led Relationships (FLR) Adapted into Modern Life

From Survival to Love: How Female Led Relationships (FLR) Adapted into Modern Life

Alright, friends—let’s take a deep dive into the juicy, brainy world of how modern psychology shapes our intimate relationships. We’re not just talking about romantic candle-lit dinners or Netflix and chill; we’re talking about how evolution, hormones, and psychological adaptations affect everything from casual flings to lifelong partnerships. So, buckle up! This exploration is going to be both fun and fascinating.

You know how it feels when you meet someone new and sparks are flying? That OMG adrenaline rush, the flirtation, the sudden uptick in your step. Yep, that’s biology talking—specifically, hormones like testosterone and estradiol. Testosterone is famous for its role in boosting sexual desire and mate competition, but it’s not just a “guy thing.” Women produce testosterone too, and it plays a major role in sexual attraction and competition for mates.

But let’s not forget estradiol, the queen bee hormone that drives sexual motivation and nurturing behaviors. Estradiol, part of the estrogen family, isn’t just about reproduction—it plays a role in social behaviors and making connections. Whether you’re in the flirting stage or sizing up a potential mate, these two hormones are working overtime to set the stage.

But here’s the twist: while these hormones rev up our interest in short-term mates, modern psychology tells us there’s more to the story. Relationships that begin with casual attraction can transform into long-term pair bonds (thankfully, we’re not stuck in endless rounds of speed dating).

Let’s break it down: humans aren’t like most animals when it comes to relationships. In the animal kingdom, only about 5% of species form long-term monogamous bonds. That’s right—most of our furry and feathered friends are into playing the field. But humans? We’ve evolved to form deep, lasting connections that go way beyond physical attraction.

The psychology behind this is wild. According to research, pair bonds help ensure that partners stay committed to raising their offspring. This is where those oh-so-important psychological adaptations like commitment and attachment come into play. Think about it: if we were just driven by short-term sexual attraction, we wouldn’t get much beyond the first few dates. But throw in psychological commitment, and suddenly, we’re talking anniversaries, couple goals, and joint Netflix accounts.…

Control, Punishment, Connection: The BDSM Blueprint for Deeper Love and Emotional Connection

Control, Punishment, Connection: The BDSM Blueprint for Deeper Love and Emotional Connection

Spicing things up in a relationship takes creativity and a willingness to explore desires that bring out the deepest intimacy between partners. Restraints, punishment, and a dash of teasing humiliation can be the perfect recipe for reigniting the connection between you and your man. The idea of tying him up, knowing he's completely at your mercy, is both thrilling and empowering. When he’s left restrained on the bed while you casually go about your evening, there's an undeniable sense of control that washes over you. You decide when to touch him, when to tease him, and when to deliver that delicious little punishment. This power dynamic is electrifying because it puts you in the driver’s seat of your relationship—not just sexually, but emotionally too.

The beauty of restraints is that it forces him to let go—of his ego, of control, of everything but his focus on you. He feels powerless, vulnerable, and oh-so-desperate for your attention, but guess what? That’s exactly where you want him. By toying with him, teasing him with every brush of your fingers or every slow whisper of what’s coming next, you're intensifying his emotional dependence on you. Adding humiliation into the mix—whether it’s a playful taunt about his helplessness or a reminder of just how much he needs your permission—only strengthens the power exchange. This mixture of erotic power play and mental teasing leaves him aching for you in more ways than one, while you soak up the pleasure of being in full control.

For a woman, using restraints and punishment in a BDSM setting can be deeply empowering. The act of restraining her partner—whether it’s tying him to the bed, using cuffs, or any other form of physical restraint—gives her a sense of control that goes beyond the sexual realm. This control can translate into a feeling of empowerment not only in the bedroom but also throughout the relationship. By taking on the dominant role, she establishes herself as a guiding force, shaping the dynamic and ensuring that her needs and desires are at the forefront of the experience.

When she restrains her partner, she is in charge of when and how he receives attention, affection, or punishment. This control allows her to focus on her own pleasure and desires while also determining when and how to indulge him. The feeling of having complete command over his body—and by extension, his emotions—can be exhilarating. It allows her to embrace her own sexuality more fully and express desires that she may not feel comfortable exploring in a more traditional or equal sexual dynamic. This sense of control is not about overpowering her partner in a negative sense but about leading the relationship in a way that brings mutual fulfillment and deepens the emotional connection.

For the restrained partner, typically the man in this scenario, the experience of being physically powerless can be both liberating and deeply emotional. The act of being tied up or restrained removes the need for him to make decisions or take control, allowing him to focus entirely on his partner and the emotions that arise from the situation. In many cases, the inability to move or act brings a sense of vulnerability, which opens the door to emotional release and trust-building within the relationship.

When a woman restrains her partner and goes about her evening, stopping occasionally to tease or punish him, the dynamic becomes one of anticipation and heightened emotional intensity. He is powerless in the moment, subject to her whims and desires, but also intimately connected to her through the act of submission. Every touch, word, or tease from her reinforces the emotional and sexual bond between them, as he surrenders control not only over his body but also over his emotional state. This dynamic can be incredibly cathartic for men who are used to being in control in other areas of their life, offering them a safe space to relinquish responsibility and simply experience the moment. The trust required to allow someone to have that much control can resonate throughout the relationship, improving communication, vulnerability, and emotional intimacy.…

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