Ask Emma: How can I stop feeling guilty about taking control?

Hello Anonymous Committed Husband!

Thank you for sharing what are extremely common concerns. Your wife is taking control of sex in your marriage and that comes along with many feelings. Lots of feelings surround sex; something that is already surrounded by feelings. Your brain is your biggest sex organ so everything starts there. For many women, control is one of the biggest parts of sex. That is most often giving up control but many modern marriages the woman is learning that she feels very empowered by taking control. In taking control, she will determine when he cums, when he is locked, when or if sex happens and what type of sex that is. Women are also taking another look at non-monogamy and realizing that many of us simply aren't wired to enjoy the same guy for years and years at a time. We are wired to thrive from the attention of many men. We are the peacocks of society, look at me, give me attention. When a woman takes control of her marriage, she does not give anything up. Indeed she takes that all and has an opportunity to be selfish with her sexuality.

A marriage is about give and take, we should be equals. Right? One person in a marriage typically controls the sex. Whether that is the man demanding it or the woman allowing it. When you flip the script, the woman demands control of sexuality. She understands that this control feeds into all aspects of the relationship. You mentioned that she has more orgasms and gathers greater pleasure during sex. Oftentimes this is at the expense of your own pleasure. What she may be overlooking is the power of the brain. You are getting pleasure from sex by experiencing sexuality through her eyes. You are accepting that years of mediocre sex is bubbling up to the point where she has had enough.

She is feeling guilty because we as women are trained that the purpose of sex is to please the man. If the man is pleased then sex is over. When he cums, sex ends. This of course leads to the orgasm gap, where 39% of women say they always orgasm when they masturbate as compared to 6% of the time when they have sex. Why is the gap so big and why does the gap come at the expense of heterosexual women? Our society's definition of sex, that's what. She may be feeling guilty about the way sex is going right now but if she takes a look at the big picture she may see that she has been misinterpreting her lack of sexual control all along.

Most men have an innate desire to please women. This is not just sexual but it often has its roots in sexuality. i.e. If my mate is pleased then she will not stray. Harnessing this desire to please inside the bedroom and throughout your sex life is a wonderful way to capture a new type of sexual control. The ah-hah moment happens when your wife accepts that you thrive from allowing her to take a sexual lead. When she finds that your needs are not only met by your orgasm but by her orgasms.

Don't accept the lie that you've been sold for your entire life. Sex is about women, take control in the bedroom and throughout the sexuality in your relationship. A modern marriage is based on a heightened focus on the woman's sexual arousal cycle. She needs to feel sexy and she needs to feel satiated. This may mean that your ego needs to take a back seat as you pleasure her with something that isn't your own penis. This may mean that she may need the attention of another man to feel alive. As women, our bodies can shut down boring or redundant sex and that often drives us into depression and reluctance to even be sexual. We can even stop seeing ourselves as sexual beings and that becomes dangerous to our own self image. The moment your self image doesn't include the word SEXY is the moment that you need to re-evaluate your relationship and the active sexual role that you take in it.…