Hi Emma! My husband and I have been in the LS for about four years and it is becoming too much for me. I am tired of the parties and the constant goal of hooking up. I know you and Kevin have the half open marriage but ours is fully open. We play separately two or three nights a week and together at a local club once or twice a month. The whole thing is draining and I really just want the full attention, admiration and sexual dependence of my husband. When he is getting his needs met elsewhere I notice a shift in his mindset and it creates emotional distance between us. Last week I asked if he would agree to closing our marriage to focus our attention on us and our needs. He agreed and surprisingly said that he had felt the distance for some time but didn't want to disappoint me by suggesting that we exit the lifestyle. Funny enough that we were both thinking the same thing but I guess it is possible to get burned out on any lifestyle dynamic.
I voiced my concern about getting stale and stagnant after living our very open lifestyle. Would we get bored? My husband suggested a female led relationship and pointed me to your site as a way to give me the control that I desire and simultaneously close our marriage. He purchased a chastity cage and this is all moving more quickly than expected but I am curious your thoughts. Is this his latest fetish or do you think this is something that we can sustain? Another concern is my physical needs and I don't know if he will be able to fully satisfy those. What does a female led relationship look like for a marriage that was previously open?
-No Name
Thanks for your email! I normally encourage that the ebb and flow of a marriage leads to opening but the ebb can flow to close that door as well. I applaud you and your husband (you specifically) for identifying that need and prioritizing your partner. Open marriages can be very exciting but they can cause tension, resentment and ongoing relationship damage over time. By choosing to return to a monogamous connection, you've identified a need to eliminate stress and outside influence in your marriage.
Reconnecting with your husband can present a serious challenge as you may find you have drifted apart. You’ll likely need to get to know one another again and restore mutual trust and intimacy. It is going to take a lot of work from both of you.
Start with a strong conversation in an uninterrupted setting. What needs to change? What worked for you in the open marriage? What didn't work with the open marriage? In an open relationship, your attention is diverted from one another to connections with other people. Now, you must redirect and prioritize that attention back toward your relationship. Some questions to discuss include:
- Where do we go from here?
- What do we need from one another?
- Are we closing the relationship for both or just one of us?
- What did we like and dislike about an open relationship?
- Will we need additional stimulation to not get bored?
- What lessons did we learn from the open relationship?
- What do we do with our existing external relationship(s) friends and partners?
- What changes are necessary for both of you to meet each other's emotional needs?
- What changes are necessary for both of you to meet each other's physical needs?
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