If you’ve known anyone in a long-term relationship for a long period of time, you’ve probably heard some version of the complaint that women lose interest in sex. "She doesn’t want to have sex anymore.” I’m sure you’ve also heard the frustrating, and completely incorrect and outdated, argument that women just “don’t like sex as much as men.”
Let me stop you right there. The issue isn’t that women lose interest in sex. It’s that they lose interest in their partners, and more specifically, their husbands. The real question is, why are men so quick to assume their wives are at fault?
The truth is, the dynamics of long-term relationships—especially those with very traditional gender roles—are often far more complicated than a lack of libido. For many women, the erosion of sexual desire is a result of feeling undervalued, overburdened, and emotionally disconnected from their partners. And if you're a man who's scratching his head, wondering why your partner isn't as interested in you as she once was, you might want to take a hard look at what you're bringing to the table—or, more accurately, what you're not bringing to the table.
In a monogamous relationship, women usually take on a much larger share of the emotional and physical labor. From running the household to caring for the children, the list of responsibilities can seem endless. Yet, when it comes to intimacy, many women feel like their sexual needs and desires are last on the list—or completely ignored. This isn't because women lose interest in sex over time; it's because sex becomes something that’s “owed” or "expected" and not something that’s mutually fulfilling.
When your partner treats you like a maid, a nanny, and a punching bag for emotional labor, it’s hard to muster up the energy to enthusiastically hop into bed with them later. I know, I know—this sounds harsh. But let’s look at it honestly: If your partner doesn’t make you feel emotionally connected, desirable, or appreciated, it’s not just about physical attraction anymore. It’s about a fundamental lack of respect and consideration.
A woman’s sexual desire doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It’s deeply tied to how she feels about the relationship as a whole. If the partnership feels like a one-sided effort with her doing the lion's share of the work—emotionally, mentally, and physically—sex becomes less of a priority.…
“But here’s where so many husbands shoot themselves in the foot: instead of responding to their wife’s declining sexual interest with more emotional engagement, they do the opposite. They pull away, withdraw, stop making an effort, and then wonder why she doesn’t want them anymore.
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So what’s the solution? Adapt. Stop blaming her and start learning what makes her tick now, not five years ago.“
These quotes are on the money. Speaking as a husband who’s been in this position – I’ve read/seen so much content describing this issue and so many men getting caught in this spiral to the bottom. I’ve been caught up in it before – not wanting to give because your wife has already pulled away physically. It’s a vicious cycle and will only lead to distance, resentment, and divorce.
One challenge is men feeling unappreciated for the things they do and not wanting to feel like chumps for rushing to provide more. In many relationships, the man provides many material necessities or services so the woman doesn’t have to concern herself with them. So when men hear they’re not doing enough, they get defensive – because many are putting work into the household. They just don’t realize that there are other areas—emotional areas (that can’t be measured by clear metrics like dollars or whether the car is working)—that need work as well.
“Adapt” is the key word, and it’s a core reason why I think FLRs are so appealing. The man needs to learn to see things as his wife sees them. As much as he may think he’s factually correct, he needs to put aside his need to be correct and trust that his wife is correct in her feelings and that she has something to teach him. He needs some humility with his wife. It’s a great feeling when you achieve this, and a man doesn’t need to give up his masculine way of thinking – he just needs to allow it to exist in a feminine framework.
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