Hey Emma,
I hope it’s okay for me to reach out like this. I’ve been reading your blog for a few years now, and I can honestly say you feel kind of like the big sister I never had. You just “get” things about relationships that most people never talk about, let alone explain with the kind of honesty and fun you do. So, I’m really hoping you can help me figure out what to do about something that’s been bothering me a lot lately.
My husband and I have been in the lifestyle for a while or ethical non-monogamy, like you call it. At first, diving into all that was exciting and made me feel grown up, brave, and very sexy. I felt like I was finally living without apology, not just following rules other people made up. I know he felt that way too. We’ve learned so much about each other, jealousy, talking through hard stuff, and especially about what we wanted and didn’t want in bed and out of it.
But here’s where it gets messy for me. Lately, I feel like I hardly see him at all. He’s always out with other women, or texting them, planning for or talking about his next date. There is nothing I love more than falling asleep with my head on his chest but that is so few and far between for me anymore. I feel like I’m just a background character in my own house like you said once, it’s more like roommates than lovers, or like we’re just passing each other in our own story. I really miss being the center of his world, the one he’s chasing, the one he wants to impress, the first person he tells his news to. There’s just not much thrill trying to lock him in chastity or tease him when he’s come home from yet another evening with someone else. It’s killing the fun of our relationship, honestly.
I keep coming back to your blog posts about “pussy lite” relationships where he is more focused on me and my needs because sex is short and focused on connection. I want our connection back more than anything and I’m not angry at him, and I’m not trying to give him an ultimatum or say “it’s me or them.” But I do need things to change, for me. I need him to pick me, to show me that I matter most, and to put as much energy into us as he does into everyone else.
I’m not saying he has to cut off seeing other women entirely, I know he has built meaningful relationships but I need him to reel things in. I’d feel so much better if he only had one outside partner, someone I actually know, like, and trust a little. Someone who gets that I’m the center of his universe and who respects my place in his life. It’s about setting rules were we never had them before. Instead of letting things just “happen,” I want to be more intentional with a focus on me. I want him to crave me, to need me, to look forward to what I have to offer him in and outside the bedroom. I know that connection for him is built in the bedroom and extends outward, he always feels emotionally closest to the person who is more sexually available to him and we’ve talked about that.
In turn, I know that I can be more present, more attentive, and way more turned on by him. I know I would, if there was even a small amount more attention back on me. But it isn’t about just having sex more. It’s about that feeling of being seen and needed, you know? It’s about making him feel more attention, I see that now. I neglected his needs because I was looking for newness and he found ways to meet those needs elsewhere. I want him under my spell, locked in chastity and teased often, or teased and pegged or just make him feel like I am thinking about him, sexually. You know?
I realize I opened things up hoping we’d get closer, not farther apart. Sure, I have lots of fun with my bull and I get much of the sexual attention I needed, but that was never supposed to be instead of my husband. It is more like letting something extra into our world. I want my bull to be an “and,” not a “versus.” I also find myself looking to my bull for emotional attention and he isn’t there for that and he’s told me as much. So that leave me where I’m at, no real emotional connection, nobody’s priority and that hurts. Yes I have my body to give but my bulls attention is dependent on my sexual availability and no fault to him, that’s the dynamic we created because I always want my husband to be my primary emotional connection.
That’s where your advice about bringing things home, making the outside adventures fuel the spark inside the relationship, really makes sense to me now. It took a while, but I see it. I want my husband to be jealous sometimes, to ache for me, to crave my attention the way my bull does. If I pull away from my husband, he just goes elsewhere, I pushed him away, I get that. But I want his hunger back.
I also want to explore with him in ways we both used to shy away from. He has gotten into exploring prostate play with one of his partners and I always wanted that with him so it hurt when I found out he was doing it elsewhere. I want to try pegging, sissy play, with letting go of all that macho stuff so I can really lead and connect with him deeper emotionally. Like you say, “let the woman run the show and see what magic happens.” I love when he gives in and lets himself be vulnerable with me, especially when my bull can see too. I crave a relationship like you and Kev and Erik have. I think with three, it can feel so close, so wild and so new. I want new experiences and I want to experience them with him but I know it can never work if he’s giving his energy and enthusiasm away all over town.
If I’m being real with myself, I regret opening the relationship without planning for what would happen when it stopped feeling fun. I always assumed we could just reel it back in but at the same time, I know we both grew so much and he learned to share his feelings, and I learned what being a true dominant woman means. I’m grateful for that, but I also want to take what we’ve learned and use it to build something together, something that feels right for both of us now. He is a catch, I understand why he found other connections when we opened up. Men with physical availability are a dime a dozen but men who are good communicators with emotional availability don’t exist at my age.
So, here’s where I get a little lost, and why I’m turning to you. How can I tell him all this without sounding like a nag or someone who wants to take away the freedom I opened up to him? Can I ask him to give up relationships without him becoming resentful? How do I ask for him to be all in with me invested, needful, ready to follow my lead in a female led relationship without making him feel like I’m closing the door on our adventures? How do I invite him to see my bull as a team player for our fantasies and not a threat?
I want us to build something real, something fun, something hot and connected again. I want him to WANT to invest more in me, to see that if he gives more to this, I’ll have so much more to give back. Your words always make me believe it’s possible, Emma. That’s why I hope you’ll give me a nudge, or just tell me I’m not crazy for wanting these things.
Thank you for being the voice that so many of us need. I hope you keep doing what you do, because it means a lot more to us than you probably realize. I ask with great gratitude for everything you do for those of us trying to come to terms with non-standard relationship dynamics.
Lovingly,
Serena (LadySerenaReign)
Hi Serena,
First, thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story so honestly. I want you to know you’re not crazy for wanting these things and wanting to feel like the center of your husband’s universe, to be seen, craved, and emotionally connected is something all of us deserve.
Now, about expecting your husband to make the first move, that’s a tough spot to be in, and it’s not really fair to put that pressure on him. The truth is, you may have to take the lead and be the one who sets the tone. Make the first move with him. Be playful, be flirty, be downright sexy in showing him the woman you want to be for him. Don’t wait on him to show up, you’ll be waiting forever. Show up for him instead. Carve out time, just for the two of you, where you get to remind him of the magic you create together. That kind of attention and anticipation is what builds hunger and connection.
Ultimatums rarely work but you absolutely can let your preferences be known. Tell him you need so much more from him, more time spent together, more emotional intimacy, more love. Show him, through your actions and your physical presence, the depth of what you want. If you’ve noticed he connects deeply with his closest sexual connection, be that for him. That doesn’t need to mean more sex, it can simply mean more sexual attention. Feed into his kinks and if you want to try things like pegging or prostate play, invite him into that exploration. Most men will love to know they are participating in things that fascinate you sexually, men have a innate desire to please women. When you own your role and step into your desires with intention, you offer him a kind of connection he can’t find anywhere else.
You have an advantage that those other women don’t, you live at home with him. That makes a huge difference in the opportunity to build and maintain emotional and sexual intimacy. It’s not just about sex, too many women get caught thinking it’s all about frequency or mechanics, they put too much pressure on themselves. It is really about making him feel like he matters, like he’s the man you choose over and over again. That’s about teasing, about making time, about attention. Sexual attention regardless of type means so much to men; respect, adoration, love, commitment, you name it.
So initiate sexual play often, for Kev and I that means I do brief 15 second cage inspections frequently to show him my appreciation for locking up for us. I’ve begun to do sporadic spankings and timeouts as well, sexual reminders of our dynamic and my craving for his sexual submission. I’ll ask him to perform various tasks dressed in heels or panties, or BOTH. I will ask him to find some of the caption memes about whatever kink is arousing me that day. In fact, most of the caption images I post on x and bluesky are from those Kevtasks (as I so lovingly call them). I’ll even drop spontaneous requests to peg him, “go get yourself ready, I’m going to fuck your ass in twenty minutes” (pegging can never be completely spontaneous since cleanup is involved). These moments do more than you might imagine, reinforce your dynamic, remind him that he’s yours, your priority and the object of your sexual & emotional desire. Be sexually playful and adventurous, show him that you are his plaything and not an obligation and remember that expecting more from him emotionally without making him feel safe and desired sexually will be an exercise in futility.
For men, emotional connection usually follows sexual safety and physical connection. This dual mating strategy is very real. So, if things feel off, maybe you need to pull back a little on the dominant vibe for a while, especially if that has made him feel less safe or less connected. Once he feels safe enough to open up emotionally, you can explore a dominance dynamic, what he loves he will submit to. Reel him in with love and acceptance first, it’s not compromising your strength, it’s showing your power as a woman who can lead with fierce love and warmth both. Show him love and safety and explore from there.
Is it too late for you two? Maybe. Only you know the depth of your connection and his connections with others. Be honest about where you both are emotionally and sexually. If his outside connections run deep, he might not come back to you all the way, and it’s painful but important to accept the bed you’ve made when opening the relationship. As one of my favorite readers, subhubphx often reminds us, its a door that can’t be closed once opened.
Another thought is that your bull might be a tool to reinforce your connection with your husband. Men have this primal response to seeing other men value their woman. It’s the sperm competition or mate value instinct. When your husband sees another man appreciating you, desiring you, or even having sex with you, your mate value to him could skyrocket. If he watches your dynamic with your bull, it could stoke that hunger to connect with you more deeply and protectively. You asked about making your husband see your bull as less a competitor but perhaps that’s exactly what you need. It sounds like you are quite close to your bull and value that connection but if you are asking your husband to give up connections, consider that he may ask the same of you.
This is a very complex question and I really feel for the situation that you’re in but I know that showing your husband the woman you are with playful, loving, sexual energy is the way to bring him back into your orbit. Be honest with him, communicate openly and keep being the fierce woman you’ve grown into. You’ve learned so much together and it would be a shame for that to pull you apart rather than together. The mix of dominance, care and need for real vulnerability is potent.
Know that you’re not alone in this, and your desire for connection is completely valid. What you crave, you deserve and nothing you are doing is manipulative. Share openly about your needs, share this letter with him and keep setting that tone with open communication and don’t be afraid to lead in love and passion. I’d be happy to continue this conversation in the comments below or even in a follow-up because so many paths can open from here. You’ve got this.
Love and empathy,
-Emma
