Hi Emma,
I’m at my wits end with my husband because we have completely mismatched sex drives. I like sex maybe once a month. That’s it. He wants it more often, a lot more, and I just don’t have the desire or the time or energy to come close to meeting that. I realize that leaves him wanting, and I don’t want to deny him entirely as you say with pussy free marriages that just seems wrong. Outside of that I do not want to be his primary source of sexual fulfillment. The thought of that responsibility on my shoulders alone is a total turn-off.
So, to my question, can I have a female-led relationship where I set the rules and still allow him to get his sexual needs met elsewhere? I’m fine with him having an outlet but I don’t want him forming emotional attachments with anyone and I personally don’t want to be involved in any of it beyond green lighting it to happen. I’m not jealous, I don’t feel ashamed but I just want him satisfied without it needing to be my problem.
I refuse to carry the emotional or sexual weight of his constant libido. It’s exhausting to even think about being “enough” for him all the time, I don’t want to feel guilted into sex and I refuse to live under that kind of pressure. If a blowjob or two happens while I’m at work, it doesn’t bother me. I just want him to handle his desires elsewhere so that it doesn’t become a source of tension between us.
Is there a healthy way to do this in a female-led relationship? One where I still lead, I still control, and I can say, “Here’s your outlet, handle it,” without feeling guilty or like I’m failing him? I want rules, boundaries, and clarity with nothing more. And honestly, if I can’t have that I don’t know what to do.
Thanks,
Larisa
Hi Larisa,
First off, I’d like to thank you for your honesty. It takes guts to put your feelings into words, and even though your tone makes it sound like you’re already set in your view, I think the fact that you reached out means there’s a part of you that’s questioning whether this arrangement will really work.
You say you don’t want to be your husband’s primary source of sexual fulfillment, that you’re fine with sex once a month, and you don’t want to feel pressured by his desire. You’ve framed it like outsourcing “if a blowjob happens at work while I’m away, fine, as long as he’s fed and I’m not responsible.” That might sound tidy in your head, but here’s the catch: men aren’t vending machines where you can outsource desire with no emotional cost. Men, unlike women, don’t often compartmentalize sex without emotion as easily as they think they do. And the risk isn’t that he will suffer, it’s that your emotional bond with him will slowly erode.
The Myth of “Just Sex, No Strings”
It’s incredibly rare almost unrealistic to expect your husband to have ongoing sexual fulfillment with another woman and not develop some kind of attachment. You may think he’s capable of compartmentalizing, but study after study shows that men tend to bond emotionally with the women who meet their sexual needs and create distance from women who do not. Dopamine and oxytocin, the bonding hormones, are released during sex, not just for women but for men too. Men imprint on the women who satisfy them sexually because they subconsciously want those needs to be met in an ongoing way. Choosing to imprint his effort where his needs are met is a subconscious biological directive to follow fertile females. If you got ice cream cones from one man and not from another, and you love ice cream, you would probably invest more effort in the ice cream cone man than the other. Crudely simplified I know, but I’m trying to illustrate the point in an overly simple way.
So while you might think of it as “a blowjob or two while you are at work,” he’s probably not going to see it that way. Even if he starts casual, it’s almost inevitable that sex will create a gravitational pull. That pull will shift his emotional focus. He’ll start craving her presence, not just her mouth or her body. And the danger isn’t that he’ll leave you, the danger is that he’ll slowly emotionally disconnect from you because he’s attaching to her. It isn’t intentional, he is simply wired for it.
You may think you’re keeping things neat by limiting him to sex-only encounters, but you’re setting up a system where he builds intimacy elsewhere while you remain checked out. Over time, you won’t just be the wife who isn’t sexual, you’ll become the wife he emotionally drifts from. And that rift won’t feel neutral, it will feel like absence, distance, rejection, or even resentment.
Women Compartmentalize Better Than Men
Here’s where things get interesting. Women are better at separating sex and emotion when they consciously choose to. We’re wired to think about attachment, security, and resources when it comes to sex, and we’re overtly aware of how our sexual choices shape our relationships. We use sex to Many women can choose to have a purely physical fling without emotional entanglement. Men? Not so much.
Women use sex strategically, and that’s something men don’t typically do. Sex isn’t always about lust or intimacy, sometimes it’s about reinforcing emotional bonds, securing commitment, smoothing over conflict, or even gaining leverage in a relationship or a tribe. Anthropological and psychological research shows that sex can be wielded as a tool of influence and negotiation just as much as it can be an act of passion. In fact, Cindy Meston and David Buss’s well-known study documented 237 distinct reasons why people have sex, many of which are related to the ability of women to use sex to ensure their needs are met; emotionally, financially, and socially
Men believe they’re capable of detached sex, but when you look at their behavior long-term, what you see is emotional leakage. They may not “fall in love,” but they become more emotionally invested than they planned. They may crave affirmation, validation, or simply the presence of the woman who provides release. They might even say they don’t care but their actions will prove otherwise.
While some men are very capable of separating sex from emotion, it often comes down to mindset and confidence. Men with an abundance mindset, those who believe sex and intimacy are plentiful tend to compartmentalize more easily because they don’t attach their sense of worth to one partner or sexual source. High confidence reinforces this separation and they see sex as an experience rather than a lifeline. Men with a scarcity mindset, on the other hand, especially those with medium to low confidence, are far more likely to imprint on the woman providing sex. To them, sexual access feels rare so they attach emotionally to protect the precious supply. In short, confidence and abundance create freedom, while insecurity and scarcity create attachment. Most men fall into the latter but bulls or men with high confidence often fall into the former.
That’s why your plan of “just let him get a blowjob from someone” is more fantasy than reality. Unless his is paying for sex from a sex worker, he won’t be able to keep it sterile. You’ll feel the shift in your marriage even if you don’t see the evidence of it right away.
What This Means for Your Marriage
You wrote that you don’t want to be the one carrying the burden of his desire, that being “enough” feels like pressure. I get it. Desire can feel heavy when it’s mismatched. But let’s consider what happens if you push his needs out the door and wipe your hands of it.
Here’s what I see happening:
- He starts seeking out casual encounters.
- Those encounters inevitably develop into repeat experiences because men crave familiarity as much as novelty.
- He bonds with her—whether you want him to or not.
- You feel a growing distance from him.
- The core of your relationship, your emotional connection erodes because you’ve distanced yourself sexually.
- The long term viability of your relationship is threatened.
It’s not that you’ll lose him to another woman as much as he will lose himself as a connected husband. You’ll have him as a roommate, a co-parent, or a financial partner, but you won’t feel the warmth of emotional intimacy.
What Are You Holding Back?
So I’ll ask bluntly, why are you so reluctant to connect sexually with your husband? You didn’t frame your letter as asexuality, you framed it as annoyance. There’s a big difference.
Some women view sex as a kind of currency. They withhold because they subconsciously equate giving sex with losing value or power. Others hold back because they see their husband more as a platonic partner, maybe even drifting toward a familial kind of love, where sex feels awkward or unnecessary. And still others, yes, are somewhere on the ace/aceflux spectrum, where desire genuinely isn’t part of their identity.
But what I hear in your letter is a woman who doesn’t want to feel obligated. The obligation kills your desire. You equate sex with responsibility instead of pleasure. And that’s not just about libido, it’s about how you view your own sexuality. You come off as a woman who seems to know what she wants but I’d push deeper and say that your walls of decisiveness come from a deep insecurity and fear of abandonment. You have a harsh exterior because you are afraid to give more of yourself to him and be vulnerable.
When you say, “I don’t want to be his source of fulfillment,” what I hear is, “I don’t want my worth tied to my sexuality.” But you’re not protecting your value by withholding. You’re diminishing it. You’re turning yourself into a sexual gatekeeper rather than a sexual partner. Sex doesn’t cheapen you. Withholding sex cheapens the intimacy you share.
Marriage is about exchange. He gives, you give. And if you’re closing the door on one of the biggest needs men have, sexual closeness then what fills the gap? You can say “love,” you can say “companionship,” but to him, love and sex are intertwined. By cutting off sex, you’re not just cutting off orgasms, you’re cutting off intimacy. You’re cutting off the sense of being wanted by his wife. And if another woman offers him what you won’t, it’s unrealistic to think he won’t seek a closer bond with her.
The arrangement you’re describing—him sneaking off for anonymous sex while you disengage—sounds like a recipe for dishonesty and disconnection. You want control, but you also want detachment and that’s avoidance, not leadership.
The Busy Professional Woman Dilemma
Now, Larisa, I suspect part of this isn’t just libido—it’s lifestyle. You sound like the classic busy professional woman. When you’re juggling work, responsibilities, and the mental load of running life, sex can feel like one more obligation. And that “couldn’t be bothered” vibe is real.
If that’s you, here’s a thought: what if you let your husband do all the heavy lifting? If the idea of bringing in another man intrigues you but you don’t have the energy to manage it, then hand him the reins. Let him plan it, set it up, “set the table” so to speak. He becomes the author of this new sexual chapter, and you simply show up when it’s convenient for you.
Think about it—he does all the work, you reap all the rewards. You get to direct, approve, and veto anything you don’t like, but you don’t have to carry the logistical or emotional labor. He’s your sexual plaything, your facilitator. You’re the director of the experience, and he’s the one serving the vision. That’s the essence of a female-led relationship: you hold the authority, but you don’t exhaust yourself managing the details.
This way, sex doesn’t have to feel like one more job on your plate. Instead, it becomes a performance where you’re the star and he’s the stage crew.
A Better Path Forward
Here’s what I’d suggest instead:
- Face the sexual mismatch – Be honest with yourself and him about your libido. Don’t frame it as annoyance, frame it as your reality. Because of the current sexual mismatch, I would say that your husband probably has a scarcity mindset when it comes to sex. When something is more rare, it becomes more valuable (sexual economics). Increasing the frequency of sexual attention will disrupt the scarcity mindset and make it more about connection than about validation. For clarity, sexual attention does not necessarily mean sex, be creative. Understand that you’ve likely been using sex as a mechanism of control and addressing the sexual mismatch will make sex about connection rather than manipulation.
- Stop outsourcing – Instead of pushing his needs away, create a structure where his needs are met within your relationship dynamic.
- Consider another man – Sometimes women with low libido aren’t actually low in desire; they’re just uninspired. A confident boyfriend, lover, or bull can light up your erotic energy. This isn’t just for him, it’s for you. You might discover desire you didn’t know you had. If this sounds like work, make your husband find the man, set the stage, setup the date. This type of service will make him feel like he is an instrument in your sexual satisfaction rather than a burden.
- Modern marriage dynamics – Allow him to support your sexuality. Ironically, if you bring another man in, your husband might actually feel more fulfilled than if you let him sneak off for casual sex. Why? Because his sexuality remains linked to you. His arousal is directed through you, not away from you. Modern marriage dynamics can make him see you as a source of sexual fulfillment especially as your sexual confidence grows
- Therapy or sex coaching – Explore whether you’re actually on the asexual spectrum, or whether you’ve simply disconnected from your own erotic self. A therapist can help you unpack whether you’ve equated sex with guilt and obligation instead of joy and connection.
Can you do it the way you suggested? Yes, you can push his needs away. You can tell him to handle it elsewhere, and maybe you’ll get peace in the short term. But should you? No. Because it’s toxic. It sends the message that his needs are an inconvenience and you don’t care as long as you’re not bothered. That’s not female leadership, it’s female disengagement.
If you want a female-led relationship, lead. Create rules. Create structure. Create intimacy on your terms, but don’t push away responsibility for the health of your marriage. That’s not power, that’s not leadership, that’s apathy, that’s avoidance.
Evolving the Conversation
- Do you think women sometimes weaponize sexual gatekeeping without realizing how deeply it erodes intimacy?
- If you’ve ever felt “low libido,” was it truly asexuality—or was it more about feeling uninspired by your partner?
- What role do you think about the idea of bringing another man into your relationship to create a boost in erotic energy and address mismatched libidos in long-term marriages?
- Can a female-led relationship work if the woman disengages from sex entirely?
Where do I find the ice cream cone man? 🍦
EXACTLY!
I find it interesting that Emma always finds a way to circle back too…Husbands,cucks men in general will be happier, more loving,more fulfilled/fulfilling if and when the wife has someone else that she would actually want to be with in a sexual way..That the cuck husbands life will grow in incredible ways..That the more the cuckolded husband submits and serves the better it will be for both..That she should be allowed unlimited authority to exercise any and all wants ,needs and desires..While the husband( who only gets the wife’s clearly divided attention() needs to be fed by the very finite box that the wife is willing to grant (depending on her mood and whether he’s earned any benevolence)She plainly states men are not capable of abstract thought.. OR any real thoughts without direction from a woman..I might point out that even very loyal ,denied cuck husbands want to be more than just the bread winner,emotionally present listening post.. Just maybe he’d like to be sexually wanted/needed and desired..something I don’t see ever being addressed here!! I am not suggesting that anyone here does any of this wrong.. If out of line I apologize..
Your conclusion may be not 100% correct on everything, but you are close and yes in general these are the themes here.
I agree that many of my current thoughts around relationships come back to dual mating strategy, strategic pluralism as a basis for the success of modern marriage relationship dynamics.
Nothing is wrong with dissenting thoughts, keep them coming. I write about the things I know work for us and I’m happy to entertain any and all ideas that the community wants to throw out there. I’m no expert, I only base my opinions on my own admittedly limited experience.
You have tremendous expertise and offer valuable advice to the FLR community. As a male I find your writing to be inspiring.
A guy can’t separate sex from emotional connection 🧐
Seriously 😳
And woman can 🧐
As someone who not only can and does this let’s put out a example that you haven’t thought of if what you say is true then your bull/boy friend will eventually become a problem he can’t separate him self therefore will eventually become the man or will walk away never to be seen again
And of course you would never be hurt at all or upset because you can separate that right ….. Wait isn’t he your boyfriend…. Oh with your husband right…..
Let’s not mention that most men nowadays seek hook up not relationships …. No emotional connection…..
Sorry to poke holes in this but seriously your kinda talking out the side of your mouth
Now there are reasons to not open the relationship that you did state above and they are true right up until you put it all in men’s laps because if you look hard you see over and over again you crossed the same lines (with consent of course) all these reasons are valid and well thought out and true….. But for both parties not just men
Just food for thought 🤔 have a epic day
Absolutely spot on. Men are FAR FAR better at seeking sex without emotional connection since they aren’t the ones who face the consequence of pregnancy. This is the ironic thing about bulls which Emma is so obsessed about neutering every man who she feels should be cuckolded (which appears to be 90% of the male population). Bulls aren’t in it for an emotional connection, they’re in it to get their rocks off and help humiliate the poor husband.
Emma finds a way of making literally everything about cuckolding and it’s so tiring. I wish she could make some posts which aren’t about it and also aren’t about diminishing men, reducing husbands to some pathetic loser while the wife gets her rocks off by screwing every man in sight.
You know my wife some times reads this stuff over my shoulder….. She has told me over and over again she will never make a account or be on here ….. Why you might ask … The very words you just sead … ( Reducing husband’s to some pathetic loser while the wife is gets her rocks off ) …. To my wife that is weakness that’s a weak woman she’s weak not strong not empowered…. Now I understand there is more to it …. His needs her needs and what comes in-between I point out this and that in hopes that something good will come out …. My wife on the other hand is a demon 😈 riding on a recking ball
🎵🎶 I came in like a recking ball 🎵🎶
Her and Emma would bump heads so much ….. It’s just not worth it for my wife …. Me I’m just trying to help 😂
For what its worth, I’d love to bump heads with her. Nobody is reducing the husband to a pathetic loser and I’d never call Kev that.
You never did say you where … Did you miss the bit where I say ( now I understand there is more to it ) 😁….. And no 🙂↔️ my dear you would not like to bump heads with her … You two could probably have coffee shoot ideas off eachother…. But to have a conversation about relationships omg 😳 you don’t want that.
My little wife is a Dom in meny ways but the way she gets control it 100% the other detection she builds men/woman up you would very quickly be under her sway or hate her guts …. But only if you try and tell her how to be who or what she should be or if she saw you do something she sees as derogatory
But friends you would be fine ….. Other then I’d have to work triple time to translate what you say to a way she could understand without thinking your being mean 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂
Haha. I can be friends and still disagree. When you create an environment where people feel comfortable enough to disagree and know it won’t jeopardize the relationship it creates opportunity for the most incredible conversations. *Looks intently at Kev*
Oh god don’t force me to translate for both of you 😭😭😭😭 ….
And don’t you dare bring Eric in on it that’s three people oh god 😭😭😭
And then at home 🏠…..
😂🤣🤣🤣🤣
In all honesty it’s just different mindsets I can do that jump from one mindset to the other my wife …… Not so much … 😂
But she’s the best part of my life keeps me on my toes 💘
Hi guys,
I can understand Anathema’s viewpoint here. I often find myself incredulous about what Emma recommends as a pathway to a man’s satisfaction (devotion/sacrifice/denial etc).
The trick is not to take any one article as a chapter-and-verse expression of what Emma advocates. In many instances, she’s playing the role of an agent provocateur, and probably loves stirring the kind of reaction that this piece has stimulated.
As far as her relationship with Kev is concerned, I too felt sad for him until I read https://evolvingyourman.com/creating-a-culture-of-sexuality-in-your-marriage.
I think this behind the scenes look at Kev and Emma’s relationship showed that they are, in fact, co-conspirators in a game that they both enjoy. It’s a high risk game, to be sure. But in this article you get a glimpse of how tight they are in how they pursue their quest for heightened intimacy.
So I take Emma’s posts with a small grain of salt. I don’t for one second, for example, believe that Emma never lets Kev’s cock near her mouth. That’s simply at odds with the clear love and regard she has for Kev. It may be part of a game they engage in, but I suspect that if Kev ever felt a deep need for any specific kind of intimacy, (including penetrative sex or a tow curling blow job) Emma would be there for him.
In short, I always remind myself that this is a blog designed to attract readers who have an itch to scratch. Emma plays to that. She is a skilled writer who does an amazing job at keeping us intellectually ‘edged’.
SPH, making him clean you up after you have sex with Eric, telling him he’s not good enough so you’ve got another man, reminding him how he’s not as big as Eric and can’t satisfy you as much as Eric can. You even say in one of your blogs that size matters so when you say that as well as tell Kev that he’s too small and can’t satisfy you, that’s reducing Kev and any cuckolded husband to a pathetic loser.
What may look like mistreatment from one perspective is something Kev and I both lean into because it works for us and our relationship. SPH, cleanup, size comparison are all role play scenarios that turn an insecurity into something erotic and connecting. It’s not about tearing anyone down, it’s about being honest, playful, and even vulnerable with each other. The difference is consent. When it’s chosen, humiliation isn’t cruelty, it is intimacy. So no, there are no pathetic losers here.
If that works for you both that’s great. For me humiliation is never something I want. It would only create a rift between me and my SO
I write about what fascinates me currently and the logical conclusions that I draw from them. I get clarity by writing and much of my writing is just for myself while some of it is to get thoughts and feedback. Some of that feedback comes in the form of comments and other feedback comes from private emails. I have several psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists that email me on the side with some fun thoughts and conversations. While professionals don’t want to comment publicly because of current views on some of these controversial topics, we’ve had a fun/anonymous discourse about it. I am happy to poke around with new topics if you want to make recommendations or post ideas in the forum, potentially even a guest blog if you feel like you can eloquently string 1000 words together. I’m sorry you find the site tiring but I offer you the opportunity to do something about it, should you so choose.
You don’t often see Emma get riled up. 🍿 😂 💗
Don’t worry, I’m not riled up, I’m just enjoying the conversation and even well formed disagreement sparks creative and insightful discussion.
I think part of what frustrates me is your site is called Evolving Your Man and yet what when I see what you are trying to evolve men into, it’s summarised by cuckolded husbands and bulls.
Your site encourages women to evolve their husbands into men who get nothing out of the marriage apart from being doormats who are expected to prioritise their wives needs above their entire lives and survive on compersion alone with no other needs satisfied. They don’t get sexual satisfaction as they’re not allowed to even sleep with the wives. They’re expected to be the support for their wives and get nothing in return apart from that which comes from compersion alone. They’re reduced to servants expected to wait on their wives’ every needs hand and foot. They’re reduced to living a permanent life of submission but instead of having a domme who prioritises their sub’s happiness and needs as in a healthy happy D/S relationship, only the domme’s needs and happiness are prioritised.
The other type of men you are encouraging women to evolve men into are bulls. Men who only see women as sex objects, don’t care about relationships, abandon their offspring after impregnating the woman and then abandoning them to be a bull to the next woman? These men have the genes that women are looking for, large muscular bodies, large penises etc.
So you’re encouraging women to practice eugenics by only mating with the bulls and then expecting their genetically inferior husbands to raise their so called genetically superior offspring. This is the unwritten bit of the strategic pluralism you linked.
Your site also plans to contain masculine energy (apart from bulls off course since they’re useful as genetic ubermenschen). You want to redefine emasculation by renaming it as this concept of polarity. You are trying to convince non bull men to be willingly emasculated, neutered and reduced to raising another ubermenschen’s offspring as they’re not worthy to reproduce under your vision.
You are trying to do this by telling men that this new weak, unworthy of reproducing, woman worshipping, abject loser, are in fact somehow strong by changing the terms used. You’ve changed these words into words which are intended to make these new weak, pathetic, unworthy men feel strong by calling them words like
While these words can be seen as admirable, they also describe stone which is walked all over. It’s only valued in what it can provide and be used for, not for it’s own inherent value. After all granite isn’t valuable as anything other than to be used by others. It reduces men to only being valued as a resource, not as a human being.
Even bulls are only judged by the value of their genes and their ability to satisfy the women.
You try to convince men that cuckolded men are strong by giving them the following strengths but each one is easily dismantled with regards to them being evidence of cuckolded men’s strength
The last sentence shows the lie in this so called cuckolded strength. In your vision of evolved men, the man’s pleasures, desires and autonomy aren’t important at all. Only the wive’s pleasure, desires and autonomy matter and are prioritised. All your articles state this over and over again. Only women’s desires, sexuality and pleasure matters (apart from compersion.
While it does take confidence to challenge societal norms, surrendering and subsuming one’s pleasures, desires and autonomy to one’s wife is also risky, dangerous and open to abuse and therefore this confidence can be regarded as hubris and foolhardy considering that unlike normal D/S relationships where the domme prioritises the sub’s happiness and desires, in your vision the sub is simply there as a resource, a servant and a thing to be used.
Again while this is true, since he’s submissive and his sexuality and happiness are not prioritised since only female sexuality and happiness are prioritised, this communication is simply a way of the wife telling her emasculated neutered husband what she’s going to do and he can like it (using compersion) or he can learn to accept it. Communication is used as a way of giving orders. His boundaries are irrelevant because his desires and satisfaction are not the priority as per your article.The only desire which is met is compersion. His desires for a sexual relationship with his wife, for his needs to be met are irrelevant. He gets to masturbate, onto her clothing if he’s lucky (as per an article you wrote about Kev seeing you as a roommate because you denied him release) or he gets to wear his chastity device forever and be ignored.
The term empowered cuckold is an oxymoron. Cuckolds have no power and indeed your evolved men have no power at all. Women have all the power. Even bulls have no power, other than the ability to breed. He forges his own path towards gynarchy and the destruction of male power which I feel is what you are aiming for. The relationship is definitely uniquely suited for him, his wife and somewhat for her bull but uniquely suited doesn’t mean it’s good for him.
For instance you wrote in your article on FLM
The first sentence shows this falsehood for what it is. The men you’re trying to evolve men into are oppressed. They are turned into servants, their desires and sexuality is ignored as only the female desires and sexuality is prioritised (other than the bulls which the cuckolded husbands are not).
You are trying to convince men that surrendering and being turned into only resources to be used by women is an admirable thing. You even use the words “something greater” thus admitting that you’re encouraging men to resign themselves to be lesser beings, to be used as a resource with no inherent value other than what they can provide to something greater.
It does indeed shift. He becomes merely a resource, a servant, a lesser being who’s needs and desires are ignored other than their need for compersion. Their happiness other than through compersion is irrelevant since only female happiness and satisfaction is prioritised.
I could go on and on and on quoting article after article. However as a TLDR I’ll summarise.
You want approx 90% (based on only breeding with the tallest, most handsome, most clever men with the largest penises) of men to evolve into sterile worthless losers who’ll never get to breed as they don’t deserve it due to inferior genetics, and are only worthy of raising the bulls’ children for being the stone foundations for women and bulls to walk all over and for the use of their tongues to clean the unused semen out of women after the bulls have cum inside her. They will be the doormats which the women use to clean themselves on when they return home. They will be seen as servants like in Downton Abbey who are only valued for their service and nothing else. They will simply be a resource to be used and only valued for what they can give to their wives.
The other approx 10% of your evolved men are simply bulls who are only valued for their genetics and their willingness to support women in their oppression of their own gender.
I can tell you’ve put a lot of thought into what you wrote and I appreciate you taking the time. But I think you’re missing the point or reading my site through a lens that assumes every man wants or needs the same kind of physical and emotional fulfillment. For some couples, modern marriage dynamics create more intimacy, honesty, and freedom than a traditional setup ever could. No one is being reduced to anything if both partners choose it and thrive in it and that’s the point.
What I find interesting is how strongly this content seems to trigger you. If you don’t connect with it, why does it feel so personal to you?
Does it brush up against something deeper about your past or sexual identity that makes you feel somewhat unsettled or uncomfortable?
In all honesty ,do I feel uplifted, loved,appreciated, closer to, my wife because of the fact she desires and has made me a cuckold… Absolutely Not.. She gets all the “good” out of both relationships!!! I get whatever she chooses to “pass on” to our relationship. Do I understand all of the intricacies of the cuckoldress mind? Absolutely not,that’s why I’m here. I’ve spent 20ish years trying to understand why someone would get married only to have/need another or multiple others.. (I have no problem BTW with any of this) It does however make me wonder why. Why she needs more yet requires the cuck to only serve her?Why the cuck deserves chastity and orgasm control/denial to be an acceptable human? Why she deserves/demands all she can be (I am happy that she gets this). But thinks that the husband is reduced to whatever she deems acceptable to allow him to receive. BTW this is not meant in any way as a negative towards any women!! Especially my wonderful wife 😊
If I may, i am not speaking for Anathema but from his text i get the vibe he has similar thoughts about this like me. Probably his reasons for it are different then mine.
What disconnects me from your point of view Emma is the fact that humiliation or people putting me down is against my emotional need for safety and happiness. I know you said Kev and you enjoy it and its good for you. But for me being humiliated destroys these feelings and puts me into a “Fight-Or Flight”-Mode which is very counter productive for a close connection to your SO, because it triggers me to “fight back”. In some case, with people I like, it is a trigger for me that leads to a shutdown of most of my emotions while it heightens anger, hurt and defiance. Not a good combination if you want a loving relationship and a open communication.
I don’t feel any connection with people that hurt me, quite the opposite.
When I picture myself in the situations you describe in your articles I often feel despair and i think to myself “If that is how my relationship will look like,i think its better to give up any hope for Love. Being single suddenly sounds more appealing to me”
To be frank around 1/4 of your content from the last 12 months just ruins my mood for the day and i am feeling depressed at least half of the day. I like some of your points and see some wisdom in them but others make me sad.
This is definitely part of it yes. I agree with everything youve said and I have other reasons too.
The reason does brush against my past yes and also brush against my love of history and the dangers we need to be wary of which history has taught us.
You post article after article focusing on diminishing men (other than bulls). You posts articles saying non bull men don’t deserve to breed or even have sex because women only deserve the bulls, which are the top 10% of men.
This is eugenics and I’m astonished that you’re proposing this disgusting way of advancing humanity. This is the 3rd Reich and their ideas of breeding the perfect human by only certain people being allowed to breed.
If this isn’t bad enough you encourag the 90% of non bull men to support this non breeding in the name of female leadership. You encourage them to let their wives go out and fuck whatever bull they want while they stay at home locked in a chastity cage awaiting whatever crumbs of sexual satisfaction they can get when you come home.
You encourage these men to only get pleasure out of compersion and all other forms of sexual satisfaction are forbidden.
So as someone who’s been told their whole life that they’re not good enough, not good looking enough, not funny enough, and simply not enough, you wonder why I’m triggered?
You’re telling me I should simply be happy to be one of the 90%, that I should never have had my beautiful children because I don’t have good enough genes to breed in your ideal vision for humanity.
Another thing that makes my uncomfortable is I’m a campaigner for women’s rights and equality. One of the major things I hear from men is women don’t want equality, they want revenge and I try and convince them this isn’t true.
And yet here you are with your ideas for men where they’re either in the 90% of worthless inferior men who don’t get to breed or even get sexual satisfaction other than compersion, or they’re in the 10% of bulls who are only valued for their breeding stock and nothing else.
You’re encouraging women and men to evolve into a world where men are either worthless apart from being caretakers, cleaners and cuckolds, or they’re valued for their genes and nothing else.
And you wonder why I’m triggered.
I can see why you are triggered but I want to call out that what you’re describing isn’t what I write about, nor what cuckolding or female-led relationships are about. If what you described resembled what I write about, I’d be triggered too. (and probably shut down a very, very toxic blog)
Cuckolding isn’t about diminishing men, and it’s certainly not about eugenics or assigning some sort of value to people based on genes. I’ve been very clear that a bull should never be tied to reproduction or breeding choices. That’s not the point, and it’s not even on the table. Words like worthless or inferior have no place in this conversation , and they’re not part of my personal relationship philosophy.
What I write about is empowerment. Female empowerment, relationship empowerment. Using some fascinating parts of our biology that may not align with our mainstream ideas of relationships. Female-led relationships, male chastity and cuckolding are about women stepping fully into their desires, while men who choose this dynamic discover a deepened purpose in supporting, loving, and celebrating their wives and their sexuality. Many husbands that participate in a dynamic like that describe feeling very seen, useful, desired, and fulfilled in ways they never were in their previous relationship dynamics. They thrive in the role of support, devotion, and deep loving erotic surrender.
The generalization you’re making that my site says 90% of men are inferior, or that women only deserve bulls just isn’t what’s written. I honestly feel like much of this comes from the story you’re telling yourself about my intentions rather than from the actual content. My words are about reframing power and intimacy, with absolutely zero Nazi influences. I have zero desire for Nazi ideals and I don’t see the parallels.
If anything, cuckolding is a relationship model that offers freedom. Freedom for women to own their sexuality, and freedom for men to find fulfillment in loving and serving their wives without needing to compete in outdated, ego-driven measures of “manhood.” That’s not revenge. That’s evolving. Together.
Thanks for your reply, and I’d not seen that post about children and bulls, thanks for linking that.
To explain where I got the 90% from, all your cuckolding stories only have the bull cumming inside the lady, never the husband. The husband is only ever portrayed on cleanup duty.
Therefore since the husband never cums inside his wife, means he’ll never father children. Since ONLY the bull cums inside her, ONLY the bull can ever be the father.
Since bulls are portrayed as only the top physical specimens with large penises with superior physiques etc and only they can be fathers, this is where I’m drawing the logical conclusion of eugenics from. Men like these are the top 10% and even this is being optimistic.
The story which you posted the parts of “My Journey Into A Loving Female Led Relationship” shows the husband being reduced to the pathetic loser I have described. The bull fathers the wife’s child and the husband is forever on cleanup duty and reduced to being a babysitter who is never allowed pleasure with his wife. He’s almost perpetually in chastity and has to masturbate to relieve himself as his wife won’t touch him sexually other than for her pleasure only. The husband is also forced (despite not being gay or bi) to give oral sex to the bull and the husband notes he’s swallowed gallons of the bulls cum, or he’s licked it out of his wife. He’s forced to watch his wife give her anal virginity to the bull as he’s not deserving of it. I could go on and on. Bearing in mind this is a story you’re promoting on your site, and thus implicitly approving of.
In response to your other points, while I can definitely see the freedom for the women, men in non FLR’s support, love and celebrate their wives.
With regards to husbands in cuckold relationships feeling
I’m not surprised they feel as such. They are seen as useful stepping stones for their wife to achieve her desires and fantasies while he gets nothing apart from compersion.
I’m at a loss as to how they feel desired when the wife rejects them sexually since their penises are too small, or they’re not good enough in bed and the wife tells them this over and over as part of the humiliation?
In a perverse way I suppose the wife desires them since having a doormat husband who lets her fuck anyone bull she likes, explore any fantasy she wants, without him divorcing her and continuing to support her in the marriage, makes him extraordinarily desirable husband to have. There is literally no downside for her. All the downside is for him. What I’m failing to see is how he feels desired when he’s sexually rejected and humiliated? How does this make him feel desired?
Equally, how does this make him feel fulfilled? mean if all he wants to achieve in life is to be a servant (since she’s in charge and orders him around 24-7), not get any sexual satisfaction other than compersion and enjoys watching his wife get fucked silly by examples of prime masculinity and all he gets to do is lick her clean afterwards then yes he would be fulfilled. However you can imagine my disbelief of this.
One can be devoted to one’s wife or partner without surrendering all of one’s own pleasure apart from compersion.
Short term chastity is a fun game to play, but only for a short period of time. You even posted an article which I can’t find right now, talking about discovering the problems when Kev wasn’t allowed to express himself sexually with you so you were forced to allow him to masturbate on your clothes (from memory, apologies if I’m misremembering the details of this as I can’t find it).
Long term male chastity when combined with SPH, other forms of humiliation, sexual rejection and allowing compersion only is a recipe for a broken and utterly defeated man, since although you talk about the importance of communication, since the wife has the ultimate control, she can simply keep him in chastity forever and since he’s been convinced his place is as her servant, there is no escape for him.
You talk about outdated concepts of manhood and male ego, and yet you are encouraging women to do not only the worst that men have done in the past, but to go even further. You might not see this as revenge but from the other side, this is exactly what it looks like. Simply referring to the concepts of outdated ego driven manhood shows that you intend to remove male ego and manhood and replace it with world where men don’t have egos, manhood is irrelevant (apart from the bulls) and they are simply there to serve, ie you wish to reduce men (apart from bulls) to being servants, leaving women as the ruling class.
This is how you want to evolve men and women. 90% of men are evolved into being faithful servants (doormats), 10% of the prime physical specimens are kept as breeding bulls (since we’ve already established that the husbands are in chastity and never cum inside their wives so only the bulls can breed). The women on the other hand are evolved into sexually free people who keep multiple male partners to support her (presumably financially) while she spends all day laughing with other women, ruling the world, having babies with superior genetics and getting fucked silly by bulls.
In addition this article Security Is Sexy: Women Are Wired For Survival – Evolving Your Man shows you support having a dependable man or men supporting you financially but when this is combined with cuckolding this creates the scenario I envision above where the cuckolded husband is only used financially and for the stability and yet he gets nothing back apart from compersion.
You see the way I see all your articles (that I’ve read which I’ll admit isn’t all of them) as part of a greater scenario, not to be examined individually.
So when I start to combine all the ideas you are proposing, we are left with a horrendous world view I’ve discussed above – the 90% – 10% male split and each article you write is being written to justify this scenario and to raise support from women (who’ll jump at the chance) and to convince men that they’ll somehow benefit from being reduced to sexually frustrated servants who’ll live only to serve both their wife and the bulls their wife chooses while being kept in chastity and not fit to breed the next generation because how can a man in chastity who’s never allowed to cum in his wife, father children?
After all you are encouraging the “pussy free” marriage in this article Himless and Happy: How My Finger-Led Relationship Left My Husband Pussy Free – Evolving Your Man
What further scares me is you have written articles advising women how to deal with men’s objections and being angry and upset about being reduced to being servants and chattels such as this article
When a Bad Mood Becomes a Relationship Power Move: Hidden Manipulation – Evolving Your Man
and this one
When He Pushes Too Hard: Balancing Kink, Real Life, and Relationship – Evolving Your Man
So you’re even providing women with tools and ways of keeping their husbands ground beneath their heels. Husbands are not allowed to escape, they’re not allowed to object, they’re reminded they have no power and no authority. To paraphrase Warhammer 40K (something I never thought I’d do here) only in death does their duty end.
I think it’s important to pause and untangle something here. You’re pushing a narrative that doesn’t actually align with the content of the blogs you’ve linked.
The “pussy free marriage” blog was never about eugenics or removing men from intimacy—it’s about offering women in sexless marriages a path forward, a step up from resentment and loneliness. It’s a way of saying: you still have options, you can still claim joy, even when conventional intimacy has stopped.
The “bad mood” blog is about weaponized moods as manipulation in relationships—helping both women and men see unhealthy dynamics and stop enabling them.
“When he pushes too hard” is about boundaries. It’s about giving women tools to say no when a partner is pushing past their comfort zone. That’s not about cruelty—it’s about protecting love, respect, and trust.
So, let’s reset the lens here: cuckolding, chastity, FLR—these are not schemes to erase men, they are frameworks for relationships where men get to love and support their wives in a way that feels authentic to them. The submissive men I speak to don’t feel “less than”—they feel seen. They finally get to express devotion without hiding behind outdated notions of manhood.
When you say “the husband gets nothing,” you’re looking only at penetrative sex and ignoring the depth of intimacy that these men describe. Many of them say they’ve never felt more connected, more purposeful, or more desired than when their wife takes the lead. It’s not about rejection—it’s about redirection. Desire doesn’t vanish because she shares herself with another man; it transforms. He gets the privilege of serving, of facilitating, of being trusted with her most vulnerable, intimate truth.
This isn’t about creating a “90/10 split” where men are broken down. That’s a fear-based fantasy you’ve constructed. What I actually write about is women reclaiming agency, and men benefitting from the relief of not having to perform under rigid, outdated definitions of masculinity. It’s not revenge; it’s liberation for both.
If you truly believe men in FLR or cuckold dynamics are “doormats,” I’d ask you this: why are so many of them reporting happiness, intimacy, and fulfillment? Why are they choosing these dynamics willingly? A doormat doesn’t choose his place. A submissive man does—lovingly, consciously, and often joyfully.
So yes, the lens matters. If you look at cuckolding as deprivation, you will only see loss. If you look at it as empowerment, for her and for him you’ll see love reimagined in ways that many modern marriages desperately need.
If you look at r/deadbedrooms you will see over half a million people who are struggling with intimacy, it’s not as easy as you’ve framed it out to be. Sexual relationships are complex and unique dynamics have a way of restoring magic and newness and excitement to couples.
For this particular blog which seems to have created such a strong reaction, I’m pointing this woman toward healthier options. I’m suggesting therapy, acknowledging the reality of a sexual mismatch, and encouraging her not to outsource the sexual connection with her husband, citing the long term damage to their relationship.
It isn’t about diminishing men, it’s about creating a structure where both can feel seen & connected.
I’m curious..Has it ever occurred to you that cuckolds might like to be desired (in a sexual way) by their wives.. Not Just for the constant services that are expected to be provided..or that his service to you is all he is to you.. How do you show him that he is of importance to you?NOT just as a servant. I’m not smart I’ll admit.. I can’t understand how being cuckolded make a wife feel closer to the husband..And the same for the cuck .Obviously from this blog the husband has to adapt because it’s been stated many times that he isn’t needed or wanted in a sexual way.So is her only need for him to unquestionably serve.. No identity for himself..just interesting questions for me.
Thanks for your response and I accept your analyses of the blogs I linked.
You talk about advising and helping women in sexless marriages, and yet you’re advocating for men to become cuckolded husbands who then enter sexless marriages.
You say penetrative sex isnt everything, and yet you recommend women get a bull with a large penis so she can be satisfied. Therefore penetrative sex is important, or maybe it’s only meant to be important to the wife and the husband is meant to accept it’s not important.
In another blog you describe and promote only women receiving oral sex in an FLR so this form of intimacy is not available for the cuckolded husband either.
I also doubt that anal sex where the women are receiving is also an option although I cannot find any articles or blogs from you to confirm this. The only anal sex I can find you supporting is pegging (which I happen to love so no arguments from me on that).
So, other than pegging and compersion for the wife’s pleasure, what intimacy do the cuckolded husbands you refer to, actually get?
I agree a cuckolded husband’s desires don’t vanish, they’re simply ignored apart from his desire to serve. Ergo he becomes a servant or chattel. I’m not surprised that there are men who desire this and therefore who are happy. That’s their choice and I respect that.
What alarms me is you’re encouraging women to “evolve” all men apart from bulls into these servants and chattel. He is in no way empowered. His entire life, desires, happiness, opinions and feelings become irrelevant as only the wife’s happiness etc are prioritised. He becomes irrelevant.
This blog in particular is troublesome as the lady is asking if she should display some care and consideration for her husband so that his desires can also be met, while still within the relationship (just as hers can be via her bull).
Unsurprisingly you say no but what does surprise me is your reasoning
You say
“Marriage is about exchange. He gives, you give. And if you’re closing the door on one of the biggest needs men have, sexual closeness then what fills the gap? You can say “love,” you can say “companionship,” but to him, love and sex are intertwined. By cutting off sex, you’re not just cutting off orgasms, you’re cutting off intimacy. You’re cutting off the sense of being wanted by his wife. And if another woman offers him what you won’t, it’s unrealistic to think he won’t seek a closer bond with her.”
This is absolutely 💯 spot on and I completely agree with you here. Therefore what I don’t understand is how you can get this advice so correct and yet on the other hand argue in support of cutting off access to sex for cuckolded husbands?
You correctly say love and sex are intertwined for men, and yet you support denying access to sex for cuckolded husbands in preference for the woman getting this solely from her bull?
You correctly say the lady is cutting off access to intimacy for the husband and cutting off his sense of being wanted. This is all true.
So therefore I don’t understand why you advocate doing these exact things in cuckolding relationships. You admit that you know how important penetrative sex, intimacy and the sense of being wanted are for men, but also advocate cutting all these things off for the husband, by entering a cuckolding relationship.
You seem to be advising the lady one thing and then arguing the complete opposite in your support for cuckolding. Your advice in this article is precisely the reason why cuckolding is so awful for the husbands.
Cuckolded husbands lose access to the sex you agree is essential to men in relationships. Cuckolding produces the dead bedrooms for the cuckolded husband and as per your own thoughts the following will result.
1- He starts seeking out casual encounters.
2- Those encounters inevitably develop into repeat experiences because men crave familiarity as much as novelty.
3- He bonds with her—whether you want him to or not.
4- You feel a growing distance from him.
5- The core of your relationship, your emotional connection erodes because you’ve distanced yourself sexually.
6- The long term viability of your relationship is threatened.
I think this is the core of why this post speaks to me so much although it’s taken a lot of complicated thinking, analysis and discussion between us, for me to get to this point
Your response to the lady asking the question on this post, above any other, shines a spotlight on everything wrong with cuckolding and it boils down to the advice you gave her:
“By cutting off sex, you’re not just cutting off orgasms, you’re cutting off intimacy. You’re cutting off the sense of being wanted by his wife. And if another woman offers him what you won’t, it’s unrealistic to think he won’t seek a closer bond with her.”
This paragraph of yours I’ve quoted, epitomises everything wrong with cuckolding for the cuckolded husband.
There will always be outliers, men who are happy to be servants and chattel and to be happy surviving on compersion alone. I suspect these are the men you’ve spoken to who are supporters of cuckolding. They’re free and welcome to choose to do so.
However to advocate for this for everyone, and to encourage women to enter a cuckolding relationship knowing the damage it could cause to their marriages and to their husbands is reckless and irresponsible at best.
I think at this point we’re getting highly off-topic. I love you and I appreciate your contribution and I do think it makes more sense to comment on individual blogs rather than misquoting and combining so many of them here. You’ve already acknowledged that you’re pulling from titles which, yes, I often make intentionally clickbaity (Not quite buzzfeed but you know what I mean) to provoke interest and emotion, those titles may not fully reflect the specific points I try to make in the longer format.
Rather than writing long stories back and forth, I’d suggest we focus on the specific pieces you factually disagree with. Otherwise, this will go in circles forever. For example, your premise that I am suggesting cuckold relationships are dynamics that serve everyone is simply not true. I’ve never written that, and I’d invite you to find anywhere on this entire site where I say cuckolding is a one-size-fits-all approach It simply isn’t. In fact one long time reader and I often go back and forth about how this does not and will never suit the dynamic he and his wife has. Alternatively they have a domestic discipline relationship which does not suit the dynamic that Kev and I have. Sorry to call you out on this @subhubphx but I think it calls out a very clear point.
The reality is, cuckolding is a dynamic that works for some couples. My writing is usually just my musings about how this works for me and what is working that day/week/month. I can’t speak to what will work tomorrow but I can write and journal about where I’m at today and where my thoughts are leading me.
The site is about explaining how and why it can work for those who are curious, and also about communicating when and where it won’t. Maybe some communication thoughts for how you can try to apply it to your own relationship if you so choose. I feel like you’re trying to invalidate these dynamics by villainizing me rather than addressing the actual nuance. A straw man fallacy, if you will. If you can villainize me then you prove cuckold relationships are bad and nobody should do them.
That’s simply not the case, whether this blog exists or not, they will be a good fit for some people as a long term or short term relationship dynamic.
The forum might make a better place for longer form off topic/generalized discussion as well, should you so choose.
Thanks for your responses and I’ll leave it here as per your request. Thanks for responding in such a nice respectful way. I’m not trying to villainise you. as I respect your right to live your own life.
I am interested in the seeming contradiction between removing sex for the husband which you identified as a risk in your response on this post, when combined with removing sex as part of a cuckold relationship.
I’d love to get your thoughts specifically on that subject? Maybe we can take this discussion elsewhere?
Sure! Post it in the forum and just add the link here and we can definitely continue the conversation.
“Sorry to call you out on this @subhubphx but I think it calls out a very clear point.”
Ha ha. Emma, you know I am honored any time I get mentioned by you. Not for nothing, it’s not “calling out” when it’s the truth. What you said about us is the truth. I think the difference of opinion we may have from time to time about the virtues of our respective types of WLM’s is healthy and wonderful.
Peace and love.
It really comes down to the reason that the man attaches to sex, if he finds sex as entertainment and is confident about it being plentiful then he won’t have problems compartmentalizing. If he attaches the availability of sex as an extension of his own self worth then he will attach to the source of that validation.
Ok that answer is a gold one in many ways …. Why I just pulled a tool out of it … So in open or one side open relationships it comes down to the reason …. Then add what you just sead take he or she away and boom 💥 a 100% acute and amazing insite good job Emma
Hello Larisa – The short answer is “No” your husband doesn’t need a surrogate sex partner. This might sound overly simplistic, but if you 2 really are in a female led relationship, simply lock your husband in a chastity cage and hide the key until you are ready for sex. 😊
Although I’m the first to suggest Chastity, might I also suggest that you invest in a male sex toy? A fleshlight, prostate tool, etc. You may not wish to ignore his habits, and giving your relationship tools is a good thing. but remember, this is “your fleshlight” that he must use for you, his devotions pushed into while you tell him he’s a good boy. If you can get him to lick it clean, cuckoldry is an easier next step…
Although I’m usually the first to suggest chastity (and yes, it’s a good suggestion here too), tools, male sexual tools, may help in this situation. purchasing fleshlight, and prostate tools to help him with his sexual tensions and expand your relationship. Pushing him past his limitations and using his hungers to pivot towards the relationship instead of self indulgence. this means you’re there, participating with him. Watching him, telling him he’s a good boy, as you milk him dry. I don’t mean one and done, I mean, 7 times in 1 hour. push his limits. and possibly yours too.
This is one of the most commented posts ever. Thanks for the engagement everyone, I love all the opinions and discussion.
Well parts thanks to Anathema and his large and thought out comments, who, i think, is still waiting for a response 🤔
I think I’ve responded pretty thoroughly, the responses are longer than the blog at this point. 😂
That is true 😂 When i wrote that comment that was not the case, but now it definitely is.
Well to be fair it’s a thought provoking topic me and the wife had a deep talk about out sorceing sex and what that means…….. Omg ….. 5 hours 3 friends called over for coffee talk to figure it all out
“Im not in the mood for sex often so maybe my husband should have sex with someone else sometimes?”
“No, YOU should have sex with someone else!”
I think youre getting lost…
It’s not about assigning blame, it’s about working as a team. Intimacy shouldn’t be a punishment or a chore. It should be a conversation and an opportunity for growth, pleasure, joy and connection in whatever form that might take. 💙
Une épouse qui ne veut accomplir sa corvée de sexe qu’une fois par mois est forcément Asexuelle.
Le fait qu’elle souhaite que son Mari reçoive des fellations à son travail, montre un désengagement de l’épouse dans son mariage, elle délègue ce qu’elle ne veut pas faire et n’aime pas faire, une fellation.
Son envie de garder le contrôle et de se considèrer comme Dominante, tiens au fait qu’elle utilise la rareté, comme outil de manipulation de son mariage.
Elle est consciente que sa Libido, d’une fois par mois, n’est pas en adéquation avec aucun homme.
Son mariage est pour elle un arrangement financier.
Son Mari a d’autres options, il a essayé de renégocier son mariage et à très certainement parlé de ces collègues féminines qui ressentent son côté affamé sexuellement. Les besoins du Mari, ne sont pas satisfait et donner à son épouse du sexe avec un autre homme ne résoudra pas le problème, bien au contraire. Une femme aime faire l’amour avec ce qu’elle aime, donc une femme qui prend un Amant ou un petit ami, tombe amoureuse. Les hommes tombent amoureux par le sexe avec la femme qui les aime. Les hommes sont parfaitement capable de cloisonner besoin sexuel et Amour. Les Prostituées sont là pour répondre à ce besoin des hommes de ne pas tomber sur des femmes qui sont amoureuse d’eux, car ils savent qu’une femme amoureuse utilisera le Sexe pour créer un lien émotionnelle et fera tout pour faire naître un amour réciproque !
Si une femme Asexuelle, désire garder son Mari sous contrôle en le Dominant et botte en touche pour le sexe, considérant qu’une fois par mois est largement suffisant pour elle, si elle prend un amant, ne couchera plus avec son Mari du tout et sera obligée de coucher plus d’une fois par mois avec cet Amant qui imposera ses besoins et il ne voudra pas partager l’épouse infidèle ! On peut donc dire que la femme compartimentera le Sexe avec l’amant et la vie de famille avec son Mari. Si l’Amant est célibataire, il exigera de l’épouse de se séparer du Mari, de vivre avec Lui, en laissant le Mari seul avec les enfants si ils en ont, exigeant de l’épouse si elle doit passer une nuit de temps en temps chez elle, qu’ils fassent chambre à part et s’invitera dans cette chambre de l’épouse.
On comprend que l’épouse considère son époux comme un familier et une sécurité financière. Ce mariage est déjà terminé !
Translation:
A wife who only wants to perform her sexual chore once a month is necessarily asexual.
The fact that she wants her husband to receive fellatio at work demonstrates her disengagement from the marriage; she delegates what she doesn’t want to do and doesn’t enjoy doing—fellatio.
Her desire to maintain control and see herself as dominant stems from the fact that she uses scarcity as a tool to manipulate her marriage.
She is aware that her once-a-month libido is not compatible with any man.
For her, her marriage is a financial arrangement.
Her husband has other options; he has tried to renegotiate their marriage and has most likely spoken about his female colleagues who sense his sexual hunger. The husband’s needs are not being met, and giving his wife sex with another man will not solve the problem; quite the opposite. A woman enjoys making love with someone she loves, so a woman who takes a lover or a boyfriend falls in love. Men fall in love through sex with the woman who loves them. Men are perfectly capable of separating sexual desire from love. Prostitutes exist to fulfill this need for men to avoid women who are in love with them, because they know that a woman in love will use sex to create an emotional bond and will do everything to foster reciprocal love! If an asexual woman desires to keep her husband under control by dominating him and avoids sex, considering once a month more than enough for her, if she takes a lover, she will no longer sleep with her husband at all and will be forced to sleep with this lover more than once a month, as he will impose his needs and will not want to share the unfaithful wife! Therefore, it can be said that the woman will compartmentalize sex with her lover and family life with her husband. If the lover is single, he will demand that the wife separate from her husband and live with him, leaving the husband alone with the children, if they have any. He will also demand that if the wife occasionally spends a night at his home, they sleep in separate rooms, and he will invite himself into her room.
It’s clear that the wife sees her husband as a close acquaintance and a source of financial security. This marriage is already over!
I’m thinking maybe I missed something. She doesn’t want to be bothered with having sex with her husband. He wants to have sex a lot and she doesn’t. So he should go find her another man to have sex with? While he….doesn’t have sex.
Emma, I have been reading your articles for a couple and I really appreciate the insightful ways that you explain the dynamics that make the different flavors of FLR so intriguing. You have brilliantly expressed and articulated feelings about this unconventional approach to love that I have never been able to articulate Foe me, the most powerful common thread in all of the variations you describe is intentionality. The woman in an FLR is NOT having sex with her man, but she NOT having sex with him with keen awareness and enjoyment of the effect that her denial has on him. This article was a hard read and it drove me to write to you for the first time. Your articles describe so many ways that a relationship can be enhanced and strengthened by prioritzint the woman’s sexual needs, but the man’s need are redirected, not neglected. The woman is includes her partner by the conscious and deliberate and targeted ways that she excludes him. In the majority of your articles and examples the focus on the woman is not coming from a place of selfishness, but a strong desire for the couple to connect in a different way. “Female Led”‘ implies that the moman wants her man to follow. The letter writer seems to simply not care. The opposite of love is not hate. it is indifference.
@Emma I’m a little late to this conversation, but enjoyed reading it. I actually agree with Emma based on my own life experiences.
I agree on the notion of abundance vs. scarcity as a ruling factor. Most men, probably 90%, have sex with the women that are available to them based on social status, looks, or money. That’s not really an oversimplification, it’s reality. Women control the availability of sex for all men whether it’s casually or in a relationship.
Swinging was extremely eye opening to me. I started on that side of the lifestyle with a prior partner. Immediately, I realized she was going to have 10x or more the play opportunities as me. And, what I thought would be an unending flow of play or casual sex was often the crumbs that I could scavenge that were typically less interesting than what my own partner was already presenting. That was frustrating and can ruin relationships if you let it. It becomes a competition where you’re trying to keep up with your partner in non-monogamy. If she has a date on Thursday, you’re looking to fill your calendar on Friday.
Naturally, this leads you to latch on to a woman who fulfills those needs. If you find a steady sexual partner or FWB, you can easily become more attached to them as she’s fulfilling your need. Attraction and further desire are bound to happen. She’s fun. You’ve established rapport. So, you’re no longer having to do the leg work like going on more dates and spending money/resources in courtship.
Same time, your female partner, if she simply wants sexual release, can spend a couple hours on a dating app and find numerous possible playmates and connections while you, as the man, are taking resources from the primary relationship in terms of money, time, etc in your pursuits.
Not every male is wired for cuckoldry. But, if you are, why fight it? I do believe it’s natural for many men. Why battle against reality and the sexual currents, when you can find something genuine and beautiful?
The battle for swinging equality ruined a relationship for me. In my current relationship, I have tried to be more open with myself and not feel that need for equality. I have leaned into my kinks and desires. Her pleasure is my pleasure too in so many ways. As Emma has stated, when she feels desired and valued, I reap the rewards and get the sex I crave. It’s not with other women, but that is never the goal. Intimacy and release together has always been the goal. Cuckolding is just a mechanism to achieve that. It creates that spice, but also glue that brings us closer way more than me having an experience with another woman ever would.