Evolving Your Man

Category: Sexuality

  • Sitting One Out: You Don’t Always Need to Participate

    Sitting One Out: You Don’t Always Need to Participate

    There is a relationship between all emotions but compersion and jealousy have one of the most unique. Jealousy is a beast of an emotion since jealousy in the context of a relationship produces many secondary emotions such as fear, suspicion, rage and humiliation. Compersion on the other hand is joy and empathy in the happiness of others.

    What causes jealousy?

    Many emotions can trigger or be triggered by jealousy such as possessiveness, inadequacy, low self esteem, control issues or even vulnerability and fear. If you don’t have a rock solid relationship and you are watching your partner in a sexual situation with another, there will likely be a level of fear related to losing your partner. I feel like the existence of jealousy is an indication that the relationship exists on a weak foundation. Frequent communication about feelings and directly addressing insecurities can help solidify a weak foundation.

    Sometimes there’s nothing wrong with watching

    For deeply emotional relationships, many men and women are able to experience pleasure when the other partner experiences pleasure or joy. Feelings of compersion can be attached to watching a partner win an award, receive a promotion at work or it can be attached to physical feelings like relaxation, massage or even sex and orgasm. In and my relationship, one of the best examples of compersion is when Kev is locked and I don’t feel like having penetrative sex. Sometimes I am just fine with pulling my rabbit from the nightstand for some solo adventures into manual stimulation land. Sometimes this starts with some oral stimulation from my favorite guy and sometimes it doesn’t. It usually involves Kev sitting on the side of the bed or in the desk chair on the far side of the room watching. Do I like an audience? Absolutely! Knowing that I am the object of Kev’s affection and knowing how much he enjoys watching me arch my back and body tense and relax with an orgasm or two is deeply arousing. I know with his big guy locked up, his attention and subsequent satisfaction aren’t related to his on his own pleasure. His satisfaction is derived from watching my sexual experiences and watching waves of dopamine course through my body. How hot is that? A partner that is so focused on my pleasure that he derives his own pleasure from it? Yes please!

    Doesn’t watching make him a cuckold?

    You can’t talk about compersion in a relationship without talking about the cuckold relationship. I personally don’t like the term cuckold so I don’t like to use it to describe our relationship. We have a monogamous relationship that sometimes includes others, a bit of consensual non-monogamy. Let’s call it poly-friending. I view the term cuckold as derogatory because it implies that the sexual experiences of the female are without the awareness and approval of the male partner. This is never the case for us, we are an open book of communication both sexual and otherwise.

    What does he gain by watching?

    Men are very driven by physically sexual feelings. By watching, it redirects him to get his fulfillment in a more emotional way. Rather than watching me and and touching himself when he gets aroused, watching while he is locked allows him to get lost in my pleasure. It allows him to separate the deeply physical connection that men have with their penises and experience sex on a more emotional level. The emotional disconnect that our society imposes on men is detrimental to self-awareness, communication and emotional pleasure. Opening new doors and windows into pleasure centers in the male psyche simultaneously complicates and simplifies their ability to experience pleasure in the context of a relationship.

    What do I gain when he watches?

    From a female perspective, it isn’t a straight comparison since many of the same emotions are different between genders. The drive to please isn’t as strong from women to men as it is from men to women. A man who feels that he has a sexually satisfied wife feels like he has satisfied her in all other aspects. This of course is rarely the case as we are great at compartmentalizing. It also help dispel the rumor that a sexually satisfied wife is an emotionally satisfied wife, like men we are complex creatures and we are capable of being either, neither or both when it comes to emotional and physical satisfaction. It also adds credence to the fact that we shouldn’t feel so obligated as partners to completely fulfill every sexual and emotional need. Sometimes we really are not enough and that should be ok. Kev is not emotional enough to be my only emotional connection. I have girlfriends who are far more emotional than he could ever hope to be. Does that make him any less of a partner? Does that make him any less of a man? Absolutely not. I don’t want him any other way.

  • Casual Sex While In a Relationship

    Casual Sex While In a Relationship

    I’ve learned many things over the last year but one of the most interesting is the tie between an emotional and a physical relationship. Why is casual sex while in a relationship so frowned upon? I am not saying that I want to go out and do bunches and bunches of casual sexing but I like to talk about things.

    • Pregnancy/STD
    • Hurt feelings
    • What others think
    • Threat to the relationship

    When we hear about someone cheating, it is framed in such a way that we are led to believe that they are a bad person or did it to hurt their partner. This is rarely the reason although some partners use infidelity as revenge or tit for tat. I personally don’t see the purpose in this and would highly recommend communication as a better way of handling relationship problems.

    Men and women cheat for largely the same reasons although the order is often different.

    • Low Self Esteem
    • Emotionally Starved
    • Using Infidelity as Revenge
    • Crave Excitement
    • Sexually Deprived

    First let’s look at the differences between casual sex and relationship sex. Sex is intimate when you are doing it with someone that you’ve got feelings for. When you don’t have a deep connection, sex can be hot and exciting but it is more about the physical attraction and lust. Having sex with a hookup is almost always awkward with awkward silences and awkward touching as you try and guess what the other person likes and dislikes. You are always on edge that one or both of you might get emotionally attached. It may seem like I am trying to talk you out of it but I’m not. Casual hookups are awesome! The passion and spontaneity are hotter than hot and it makes you feel attractive and alive. It validates that you are beautiful and this other person knows it too.

    So we’ve established that casual sex is hot af. Now what about the psychological effects? Depending on your upbringing and the baggage that you bring to the table (we’ve all got it), casual sex can make you feel shame, depression and can have a negative impact on self esteem. If you find yourself enjoying the hookup and taking it at face value, then it probably works for you. If you feel like trash the next day, you need to evaluate your feelings and decide if you need something more meaningful to fully enjoy yourself. Casual sex isn’t inherently bad but the meanings that you give it can make it bad to you.

    If things are still sounding relatively good, let’s ask some more questions. Does the idea of sex outside the relationship make you feel threatened? If so, why does it make you feel this way? Do you feel like sex outside the relationship could turn into feelings and jeopardize your relationship? Discuss the tough questions and recognize that we can’t expect one person to fulfill all of our emotional and physical needs. If we expect this, we will always come up short. If we recognize that some of our needs may go unfulfilled by being with one person, that may be a tradeoff that you are prepared to make and that is perfectly fine.

    Casual hookups may not be the same as an open marriage. In many cases, only one partner is allowed to go out on their own and even then there can be many rules to accompany the openness. The female may have a higher sex drive and the male might be fine with her experiencing some things and watching her eyes light up as she comes home to tell him all about it. The couple may experience some of these things in the same room. Other couples may both go out on their own for separate experiences. Would a threesome suffice for what you are missing? As you can tell, there are many different options and no single option is a perfect fit for every couple.

    Based on what I’ve learned about our relationship and our experiences with having a third for the past year, I think our relationship would lean toward a hot wife style relationship. Kev loves seeing my face light up during a sexual experience and loves to make eye contact while I experience pleasure. His aptitude for compersion is something that I find incredibly endearing as I know it is the most selfless level of love that he can offer.

    I didn’t intend for this article to be about open relationships and non-monogamy but I suppose it is leaning that way. Depending on what is right for you and your relationship, you can do whatever the two of you decide and you are free to call it whatever you will. Whether you decide to call it open relationship, hot wife, swingers, cuckold, nonmonogamy; I just ask that you communicate and agree on a set of ground rules. I recommend that those ground rules be written down somewhere and signed so they are more impactful and tangible. You are free to discuss and amend those rules at any time but having a written set of rules will help prevent them from being bent or broken in the heat of the moment.

    Does this mean that Kev and I are going to have an open relationship? Nope, it isn’t looking like that is the direction we are going for the moment but we have talked about it. I encourage you to talk about it with your significant other. Even if you aren’t interested, start a dialog and enjoy a deeply meaningful conversation with the person that you love. You might just learn something about him or her.

  • Penis Size: I Like Them Small

    Penis Size: I Like Them Small

    To me, a large penis fosters a purely physical connection while a small penis supports a level of closeness and intimacy. A large penis gives me anxiety and a gasp at what the heck I am even going to do with it. The small penis gives me a sense of admiration and adoration.

    For the last year, I’ve been open about having two men in my life. One is larger and the other is somewhat smaller although they really are fairly similar in size and shape. One curves upwards more and the other has a slightly larger head. Can I tell them apart in the dark? Most of the time, yes. Does it really matter? Most of the time, no.

    Despite being sized differently, both guys offer different styles of lovemaking. Kevin is more sensual and erotic with lots of foreplay, closeness, eye contact and a deep level of intimacy. Andrew on the other hand is a more physical connection with a shallower level of intimacy. A smaller penis is infinitely more suited to a gentle and intimate style of lovemaking. A larger penis is better suited for a more aggressive style of – lets call it what it is – fucking.

    Having sex with a larger penis can leave you with discomfort or soreness that you may not feel with a more gentle guy. A smaller guy can feel like less of a penetrating object, he can be inside you and feel more complete with him inside. This can lead to long nights of lovemaking where he slides in and out with little regard for the logistics of the matter. Smaller penises feel good almost immediately where larger ones take some warming up before my body starts feeling pleasure. The hardware isn’t necessarily incompatible but it doesn’t work without a little bit of fiddling around.

    Smaller guys work harder to make sure that you are satisfied, maybe he feels like he has something to prove. Giving head is easier and deepthroating is never a concern. Small penises are cute and I know Kev hates when I use that word for him but I’d much prefer something adorable than something intimidating. I want to cuddle up with it and not feel threatened or intimidated by him. Last but not least, anal sex is sooooo much easier with a small guy than a big fella.

    If you’ve been on this site longer then five seconds, you know that I like my boy parts under lock and key. Smaller ones look better locked up, they are more comfortable for the wearer and less noticeable under clothing. That isn’t to say that you can’t lock a bigger one up but it might take some custom cage fitting to get one that is just right.

    For guys who enjoy teasing (most guys) it is much more fun to tease about a small thing than a bigger one. A bigger one seems like a compliment where the small guy takes it as gentle teasing. Be careful before pushing things too far but lighthearted teasing can be fun if you both enjoy it and his reactions are priceless (in an attractively vulnerable way). Don’t cross any lines but gentle humiliation can be a fun relationship dynamic especially if he knows that he is smaller than a good subset of the male population. I like to tease him about it being small when he is soft but when he is hard, I am quick to compliment.

    When I say smaller, exactly what I am calling a dinky winky and what am I calling a long dong? In my mind, a small one is 3-5 inches hard and a big one is bigger than that. Something smaller than that range isn’t what I am talking about here. Even with a smaller guy, there are lots of positions where you can still feel all of the action.

    So what about some love for the big guys? Don’t get me wrong, I still love a big penis. A man with a beautiful penis regardless of size is gorgeous. A well endowed man with defined muscles yet not too muscular is an absolutely incredible turn on. I don’t know why our culture doesn’t appreciate the male form in the same way that it worships the female form. Our society associates a large penis with masculinity with strength and vitality and a smaller penis with weakness and impotence. My personal view is that society’s view is wrong and men with small to average sized penises are the ideal loving partners while the larger guys are great hookup material.

    So let’s talk about the bigger guys. A good fucking is wonderful but it takes preparation; both mental and physical to get into a headspace where you can handle something larger. I enjoy it but there is always a level of apprehensiveness about an unexpected pain or god forbid a bruised cervix. Even a perfect encounter leaves you with the knowledge that you will be feeling quite sore the next day. As with the small/normal sized guys, there are positions that will help as well. But what about the guy attached to the penis? Guys with smaller penises aren’t as arrogant and are usually capable of sharing genuine feelings.

    I realize that this entire blog has been a huge generalization. Some of the nicest guys I know have come in all different shapes and sizes so one size (pun intended) certainly doesn’t fit all but for the most part, this rings true for me and the experiences that I’ve had.

    That’s just my two cents what about you?

  • Introducing: Krystine Kellogg

    Introducing: Krystine Kellogg

    I just came across Krystine Kellogg last night and did a binge listen through her entire backlog of podcasts. She is certainly someone that I think each of you will appreciate. Like many of us, she is somewhat new to the world of female led relationships and in her personal life, she and her husband preach communication and partnership.

    Not only does Krystine have one podcast, she has two! The first podcast is called Krystine’s FLR Podcast where she talks about female led relationships in a very normalized way. She talks about everything from money management, cage selection to pegging.

    Krystine Kellogg Profile

    “My podcast is about my journey into the FLR (Female Led Relationship) lifestyle. While my marriage looks mostly normal from the outside, I fully control my husband through the chastity device that I have his “manhood” locked in. Follow along weekly as I bring you up to speed on where we are now, and how an outwardly vanilla life operates alongside a very kinky secret life!”

    — Kyrstine Kellogg

    The second podcast is called Control which is an erotic fantasy where she really shows off her voice acting skills. At this time, there are only two episodes. I really enjoyed the down to earth storytelling and believable character development in the first episode entitled The Beginning. The second picks up where the first one left off but I found it to be a bit over the top for me but I still enjoyed the fantasy that she described. I can’t wait for the next one!

    You can find more about Krystine on her website and patreon. She offers quite a bit of free content on her onlyfans if you’ve got an account there. As if this busy lady hasn’t done enough to build her female led empire, she also does voice recordings. I’m not affiliated with her in any way but I’m hooked. Give her a follow and a review on your favorite podcast platform. Don’t forget to let her know that you found out about her here!

  • Soaking: The Dock and Talk Approach

    Soaking: The Dock and Talk Approach

    In countless previous blogs, I’ve discussed the merits of separating sex from ejaculation. I’ve received comments that make it seem impossible but it really isn’t that difficult. The problem is getting started and changing what you’ve taken for granted all of these years.

    Soaking is an interesting concept of inserting a penis into a vagina and waiting until it gets flaccid or your bedroom pal needs to pull it out to prevent accidental spillage. So what do you do while you and your guy friend are all intertwined? You talk. You touch each other. You do everything aside from thrusting and poking and bouncing.

    It really isn’t that crazy. Talking is that thing the two of you did while you were getting to know each other and it really shouldn’t be too much more awkward now that you are up in each other’s personal space.

    If your guy is new to the idea, talk about bills, chores or holiday plans to help keep his mind distracted. Start off slow and work your way to sexual or erotic conversation. If he is a seasoned pro, you can rub each other’s shoulders and connect on a more sensual level.

    The point is to feel the deep physical connection that PIV sex provides while working to separate the end-goal of ejaculation from sex. Sure, sex can end with ejaculation sometimes but it shouldn’t be the expectation and his penile eruption shouldn’t be the focus of your experience together.

    How do we know when we are done? This one is easy! You are done when he violates the thrusting rule or you’ve had enough. If he gets soft during the experience, that is ok! This is a new experience and his body will be very confused about what is going on. If he gets soft and slips out, you can continue cuddling and talking perhaps starting once more in a few minutes. If you run out of things to talk about or simply get tired of hanging out together, simply end it and go about your day.

    Once you are ready for pro-mode, you can mix soaking in with PIV sex. Kevin is excellent at holding back when it comes to ejaculation but we still really enjoy soaking for a while after sex to reconnect. Five or ten minutes of thrusting followed by another five minutes focusing on connection and giggling together and simply enjoying our intimate time.

    If you are practicing chastity using a cage device like we do, this is a wonderful break for him to get the physical connection that he craves in the middle of a long lockup period. Remember that teasing and maintaining an emotional and physical connection is important even if your fella is under lock and key. Lock him and leave him is a recipe for resentment and sexual challenges.

    Which position works best for soaking? All of them! Missionary is one of the most intimate since you are face to face but sitting on his lap with my back to him while he cups my breasts is also very intimate. Spooning and doggy work just fine too.

    If you practice your Kegels, this is a great time to show off your hard work and dedication to pc muscle fitness. When in position, you can substitute movement with some good, old fashioned pc muscle flexing.

    What happens if he insists on thrusting or won’t stay still? This one is very easy, you simply stop. Ending the activity and moving on to something different is the best way to nip this right in the bud. If he doesn’t want to participate on your terms, he doesn’t need to participate at all. If your guy is locked, you can use a term like “playtime is over” which is the universal cue in our household to put the cage back on. You can certainly give warning or two if you wish but it might take tough love for the first time or two before he realizes that you mean business.

    I find that soaking is a wonderful time to discuss sexual fantasies. You can talk through some scenarios and have an instant indication of how hot he might find it due to the rigidity of his member. Talk about sports or chores and he goes soft but switch the conversation a fetish or sexual fantasy and things firm right up. The feeling of control is quite intense, shifting the conversation to inevitable lock-up after your session usually gets rock hard arousal followed by a guttural whimper. Denial is a hell of an aphrodisiac.

    So where did soaking come from? I researched this topic ad nauseum in my typical fashion. From what I can find, it looks like soaking or at least the term came from sexually frustrated Mormon girls who thought it to be a loophole for maintaining their virginity. The practice is has also been called cockwarming.

  • The Male Orgasm is a Finite Resource

    The Male Orgasm is a Finite Resource

    The male orgasm is interesting when I compare it to my own. I can have seven or eight orgasms before I simply feel too exhausted (and sore) to go on. Despite that, my arousal stays generally the same during and after each orgasm even increasing from one to the next. On the male side, the orgasm causes a refractory period where the man loses arousal and ability to perform for a period of time. For some men, this is a very short time and for other men the orgasm results in loss of arousal and sexual interest. As we’ve covered in other blogs, this is a direct result of the hormonal differences between the two genders even though orgasm experience as a whole is quite similar although longer in females. Experts say that “orgasm does not differ by biological sex” so aside from duration, we experience generally the same orgasms. My biased view is that the female orgasm is vastly better than the male orgasm since it has a longer duration and frequency. Most men also enjoy watching a female orgasm as much as experiencing one of their own. Further proof!

    Sorry boys. Just trust us here and accept it.

    How can I make his orgasm more like mine?

    His orgasm is different and it isn’t realistic to try and make it more like yours. Your best bet is to focus on extending his pleasure and gamify his arousal reward system by increasing his non-orgasmic pleasure. The clitoris alone has over 8,000 pleasure receptors while the penis only has 4,000. I don’t think it is realistic to try and make him experience a similar sexual experience. We’ve clearly won in that department, sorry guys. The focus should be on helping him experience sexual pleasure outside of a sexual experience and increase the intensity of each sexual experience that you enjoy together. As we’ve discussed, sexual release for men deflates their sails, per se. If you keep his sails up all day long his arousal energy will grow and redirect to you as attention, compliments and acts of service. This will also make him feel more intense sexual energy overall.

    The Sexual Response Cycle

    Both the male and female sexual response cycles start with excitement and end with orgasm but as I described above, the female cycle has the potential for multiple orgasms since it never really drops below the plateau until excitement decreases.

    The Sexual Denial Curve

    Male sexual denial keeps his body in a heightened level of excitement all the time which leads to a higher sexual plateau when arousal does occur. This leads to a plateau that is closer to an orgasmic state. While an orgasm does not occur, many of the same hormones are release to make him feel euphoric sensations of an orgasm. This can be prolonged for quite some time. The key is teasing since teasing ensures that sufficient stimulation occurs to keep resentment low but sexual attention high. The single biggest step for us was the removal of orgasm from sexual experience. When orgasm is no longer directly tied to sex, he enjoys the ride and isn’t laser focused on the grand finale. This is incredibly difficult at the beginning but it quickly becomes normal. Before long, sex becomes about experiencing a deep connection together and and not his release.

    Denial is Not the Opposite of Arousal

    Quite the contrary, denial can be incredibly arousing! For example, when Kev and I are having PIV sex and I say anything about locking him up or not allowing an orgasm it triggers something inside him. I can feel him immediately stiffen up and he has even let out a moan or frustrated grunt. The opposite of arousal is calm or nothingness which goes back to the challenge of locking and leaving your guy. If you lock him and leave him, it is creates a high level of resentment and decreases sexual attention. In fact with no arousal or teasing, he will eventually become more frustrated and less interested.

    A Finite Resource Huh?

    His orgasm is finite and it causes damage to your connection if it is permitted too frequently. Your orgasm is infinite (within reason). You can have as many as you like with very few adverse side effects. Either take his orgasms under your control or at least be aware when they are happening. You can ask him to tell you, to request permission, or even… pay you (lol) each time an orgasm happens. If he has an orgasm, I guarantee that sub-par sex and poor emotional connection are to follow for the two of you later that day. The science is there and it incredibly easy for you to prove at home. So what are you waiting for? Improve your sex life and your overall relationship quality by flipping the script on orgasms. Thanks for reading!

  • Oral Pleasures

    Oral Pleasures

    Like most of you, I enjoy oral sex. I mean, I really enjoy oral sex. Not just receiving but also giving. There are so many nuances to oral sex and it can be about dominance or can be an act of service or submission. I enjoy waking up and feeling a warm mouth on my nether-regions. I don’t always have an orgasm with oral sex and I don’t always want to have an orgasm with oral sex. The act of oral sex can be the culmination of that sexual encounter or it can be foreplay for a more penetrative subsequent experience.

    I enjoy waking up to oral sex (who doesn’t, right?) but I don’t have the patience for more than a few minutes of it. When I wake I usually need to pee shortly thereafter and I don’t like to have an orgasm when I have to pee. They don’t feel good and I am too distracted by the pee sensation. Enough about pee, let’s get back to orgasms.

    I mentioned above that I enjoy receiving oral sex but guess what. I also enjoy giving oral sex. A giver by nature, I enjoy kneeling before a guy and feeling his body tense and relax as I pleasure him. So many women expect to receive oral sex but don’t enjoy giving it. First off, they are crazy because oral is as much fun to give as it is to receive.

    Is Oral Sex Submissive or Dominant?

    I enjoy the dominance of oral sex. I enjoy holding the back of his head as he goes down on me. I enjoy walking through the door and aggressively pointing downward and saying “suck my pussy”. I even enjoy receiving blowjobs on a strapon. That last one I did to be silly but despite having no sensation in the dangly bit of rubber I enjoyed it immensely. The control of dominance in oral sex is an incredible feeling.

    I don’t think that giving oral sex must necessarily be an inherently submissive act. Is there any difference between me saying “suck my pussy” and Kevin or Andrew saying “suck my dick”? I don’t think so.

    For example, when I give blowjobs I usually feel like I am in control. His body yearning for my mouth, lurching as I take him into my mouth and into my throat. I hold the power of pleasure and pleasure can be a powerful force.

    I’ve heard of guys who refuse to go down on me stating “real men don’t do that”. Good luck Mr. Macho man, let’s see how long that lasts. I’ve heard of girls that like to receive oral but are grossed out when it comes time for their turn to give. To those I say, get over yourself ladies!

    Oral Sex Positions

    Oral sex takes on so many different roles from facesitting to the famous sixty nine. Oral sex can be performed by both parties in bed, the shower and is arguably the easiest sex act to do in public. I’m going to focus this part on the oral sex positions that I enjoy receiving oral sex the most.

    Let’s start with the standing position. Lie back against the wall or counter, push your pelvis out and have your partner drop to his knees. Use your hand behind his head to guide him to the right spot.

    Another favorite is the as yet unnamed “from behind” position. Lie face down on the bed with pillows beneath your tummy so your bum is pushing out. Use your hand or a toy beneath you on your clit and let him kneel beside the bed or lay behind you and lick. The logistics of this one can be a bit weird but really enjoyable after some trial and error.

    Oral Sex During Intercourse

    This one is WON-DER-FUL although it does require that your partner be a contortionist or more realistically a third partner. While receiving penetrative sex, your partner provides oral attention to your clit. This can require a sexually confident/open partner since their face will be close to the action. The sensation is overwhelming, it is like using a toy on your clit during sex but you don’t have to concentrate on maneuvering it to all the right places. Not only does it empower your femininity with all of the energy on your nether regions but it feels absolutely incredible. One of the biggest turn-ons for me is to see two guys working together to see me receive pleasure.

    Orgasms During Oral Sex

    For boys, it really helps to have an established doctrine of what happens when ejaculation happens prior to the act itself. My personal preference is for that man nectar be delivered into my mouth but some don’t like the taste or consistency and would rather the precious cargo be deposited on their chest or face. Having the “where should it go” conversation is great pillow talk and also sets expectations that could put a damper on the whole situation if done improperly.

    Ladies can be just as complicated with oral sex, if you are anything like me you are super sensitive during and after an orgasm. If he continues, it almost becomes ticklish (in a bad way). I had one partner who kept trying to stimulate me during orgasms even though I told him it was uncomfortable. I am not sure if he thought I was joking but not listening to your partner is a big turn off. Being the control freak that I am, I like placing a hand on the back of the head of a fella when he is down there. Some guys don’t enjoy this and it changes the dynamic of the act for them. Back to the dominant/submissive act paragraph above, I suppose.

    Oral sex is wonderful. So, let’s talk about giving and receiving pleasure!

  • Sexual Contingent Self-Worth

    Sexual Contingent Self-Worth

    People base their self esteem on many different things including their job, material possessions and interpersonal relationships. If their job is going well, they feel good about themselves. If their relationships with friends are going well, they feel good about themselves. For many of us, including myself, sex is an enormous indicator of how I feel about myself.

    In psychological circles, this is called Sexual CSW or SCSW. For people that exhibit this trait, sexual relationships are the underlying basis for their sense of perceived well being. I started thinking about this after our guest contributor’s post about painful sex and some thought about others with various sexual dysfunctions.

    Sexual self worth is prevalent in both women and men. Women often see sex as a representation of their womanhood and many see a prolific sex life as an indication of a successful marriage or relationship. Men on the other hand frequently link sexual success to their identity as a man. Many men see a man who is unable to procreate as not a man at all. Impotence can be one of the most psychologically impactful things that a man can go through.

    Men don’t care if women have an orgasm.

    There couldn’t be a bigger myth. Most men care deeply about the sexual satisfaction of their mate whether his partner is a one night stand or twenty year marriage. When a woman has an orgasm during a sexual experience with a man, he feels like he is a complete stud. A woman’s orgasm gives him a greater sense of masculinity and self esteem. When a woman has an orgasm, the man feels responsible even though it is true, that nobody ever “gives” someone an orgasm. If a woman has an orgasm, it does mean that her affection and comfort with the man is genuine and she feels comfortable with him. I for one, have never experienced an orgasm in a scenario where I felt uncomfortable. I would venture to say that I am not alone. Comedian Amy Schumer has a message for men who don’t give their women orgasms.

    On the flip side, many women find male ejaculation and sexual satisfaction core to their worth as a woman. While this isn’t to say that women are to be used for their sexuality, male orgasm does help validate sexual worth for many women. Many women It is something they experience together.

    What about men and women who inorgasmic or simply unable to reach orgasm with a partner? How does that impact the happiness and long term viability of a relationship? In many cases an inorgasmic partner (male or female) may be just fine with the way things are. The other, orgasmic partner may feel like they left their partner unsatisfied or that they aren’t good enough. Although men and women with inorgasmia may experience difficulty reaching orgasm, they still enjoy the psychological benefits of intimacy with with their partner. They still experience the deep connection that sex brings.

    So how does this all come back to Sexual Contingent Self Worth? Many women and men who have SCSW have come to equate their sexual contact whether accompanied by an orgasm or not with their worth – not only as a lover but to their self image and self esteem. Promiscuous females looking to satisfy their self worth in the arms of man after man. Men looking to bed as many women as possible to “score” or increase their body count. We all go through phases, I know I have.

    At this point in time, I do love satisfying the opposite sex. I’ve always seen myself as a giver in a relationship. My self worth and relationship quality is tied directly to the sexual satisfaction that I bring my partner. Deep in my heart, I know that a sexually unsatisfied man is an emotionally unsatisfied man. Inversely, I know that I must be sexually satisfied to be fully emotionally satisfied. I must also be emotionally satisfied to want to be sexually satisfied. In a loving and partnered relationship, sex and emotions have a very direct correlation.

    Let’s talk about some of the alternate sexual play that I promote on this blog and absolutely love to experience with my partner. If I gather such a deep emotional satisfaction from my partner experiencing orgasm, how can denying my partner’s orgasm provide satisfaction for either of us? Let’s begin with him. A man who is withholding his orgasm for his partner is doing so to build the emotional connection that she holds so key to intimacy. A man who is willing to do this for his partner, is almost always a giver. Almost always willing to forego his orgasm for her sake and for the betterment of the relationship. This man derives his own sexual self worth from her orgasms and from her emotional and sexual self image. He can see her sexual energy and empowerment and derives his own compersion from her empowerment. Another benefit of male orgasm denial is the increased sexual value placed on the male orgasm and the penis. As women, our bodies are often put on a pedestal. The female form is oft the modicum of beauty. Although women find men beautiful and attractive, society does not portray men as beautiful. Women struggle with keeping up to society’s image of what a woman should be and men do as well. While both are problematic, men are not seen as sexually valuable. A locked chastity device adds sexual value. The key, the shiny metal cage clacking as he walks. These things add something that men do not often receive. Sexual value.

    What about pegging? How does that play into this complex emotional concept? From my perspective, pegging is the ultimate giving act. There is very little direct clitoral stimulation even if you slip a vibrating bullet vibrator into the harness. If I am not getting stimulation, how can pegging be enjoyable and how can it heighten the sexual bond? The answer is also compersion. I enjoy seeing my partner receive pleasure from me. I enjoy seeing him arch his back and moan. I enjoy watching his body tense up and I enjoy seeing his body twitch. I derive sexual energy and sexual self worth by satisfying my partner. As with orgasm denial, I feel a tremendous amount of sexual energy when I wield my sexuality through pegging. As the penetrator in sex, I experience an entirely different set of emotions than I do when I am penetrated.

    Sexually contingent self worth is different than sexual self esteem. Your sexual self esteem is related to your ability to successfully perform a sexual act with your partner. You might be surprised to hear that married individuals frequently have lower levels of sexual self esteem. There could be many reasons for this but the most likely is that they lack the sexual conquest. They are comfortable with their partners and have not recently experienced a sexual relationship from first date to intercourse. Something is to be said for the emotional reward of a new partner. I’ve discussed the emotional benefits of newness several times. Sexually contingent self worth isn’t directly tied to sexual self esteem. It is very possible for someone with a low sexual self esteem to have a very high level of sexual self worth.

    Teasing is a great builder of sexual self worth. Like male orgasm denial, teasing adds desirability and sexual value. Desirability and sexual value are key to sexual self image and a wonderful for supporting sexual self worth.

    Sexually contingent self worth is not something that all of us have. For many people, self worth is derived from work, family or achievement of goals. I would argue that a lifetime of attributing sex to my own self worth is detrimental and has resulted in some mistakes and regretful experiences. If you find an alignment between your sexual happiness and self worth, I would advise you follow your heart but be cautious in both love and lust and give decisions time to marinate. We can be carried by a whimsical heart and make hasty decisions sometimes.

    Sex is a complex subject and I’ve built this blog around sexuality as I continue to learn about what makes us (me) tick. I enjoy this quest for emotional fulfillment and must acknowledge how closely it is tied to sexual fulfillment. Without each, I truly believe that the other is not possible.

  • Sexuality Has No Relation to Gender

    Sexuality Has No Relation to Gender

    He is gay so he likes penis. She is gay so she likes vagina. They are bi so they like both. Then you throw a throw in trans and that whole equation gets more complicated. I love beautiful women but I am not a huge fan of the girl parts down there. A beautiful woman with a penis is a wonderful invention. I am attracted to the femininity of a beautiful woman, the masculinity of a beautiful man and everything in between.

    What about the parts that I don’t necessarily love? I really enjoy her curves and breasts but her vagina? I can take it or leave it. How about a masculine trans person with a vagina? It doesn’t change things for me. I enjoy his masculinity and I am attracted that that masculinity but I don’t care so much for his vagina.

    Does that make me some sort of bigot, sexist or transphobe? Maybe. You tell me. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t know anything about transgender community. Like many others, I get most of my transgender education from pop culture and porn. I acknowledge that I am certainly not giving these wonderful people their due since these are probably the worst two places I can go. Nevertheless, this is the context that I am working with.

    With that in mind, we have four types of people.

    1. Those that identify as male and have male parts.
    2. Those that identify as male and have female parts.
    3. Those that identify as female and have female parts.
    4. Those that identify as female and have male parts.

    So if #1 and #3 get down and dirty, everything is alright but any of the others want to netflix-n-chill then suddenly a group of people has a problem with it?

    What about #2 and #4? That’s still a boy and a girl with boy parts and girl parts doing the nasty-nasty. That one is still off limits somehow? I just think it is all silly. Just love who you want to love and be who you want to be. Life is too short, don’t overthink it.

    Skoliosexual

    Have you ever heard the term skoliosexual? I hadn’t until I went down a rabbit hole of research that I often find myself in. Skoliosexual is when you are aroused by middle school scoliosis exams. I am only joking of course. The actual definition is that you are attracted to nonbinary people. Other words such as allotroposexual or ceterosexual also define the same sexuality.

    Why define it?

    Why do we feel it necessary to define our sexuality with terms? Why can’t we just love everyone and experience love in the context that it happens. During our lives, we experience the feeling of love with three or maybe five people for those of us who are lucky. Do we really feel like those five people are enough to need a word to define our sexuality? By limiting our sexuality with a word, I feel that we we are not only closing doors but closing our mind to possibilities. You may find yourself gravitating to a certain group of people through your life but allowing that to evolve and grow over time is what makes us human and what makes us unique.

    The Obligatory Apology

    I know that I am being overly simplistic and frankly I am speaking out of turn when it comes to discussions of gender and sexuality since I am the most boring of the bunch. A mostly straight white female. For those I offended, I apologize. I invite you to inform me on anything that I may be missing or point me to a discourse to help better inform me about this topic that I find incredibly interesting.

    Just know that my heart comes from a place of love and curiosity, I mean no disrespect or disregard for feelings. Regardless of your sexuality or gender identity, you are no less of a person than I and your opinions and feelings matter no less than mine. Love you!

  • Caitlin V: Sex Coach

    Caitlin V: Sex Coach

    One of our readers sent me information about a sex coach named Caitlin V. She is animated, fun, sex positive, easy to understand and her videos are excellent!

    I’ve watched about ten of her videos and I’m really enjoying them. She preaches communication, communication, communication – something that I can’t stress enough.

    In her own words:

    I knew from a young age that I was going to help people have amazing sex and relationships.

    As a teenager, I would sit in the “adult” section of book stores and libraries reading whatever I could get my hands on, from science to smut and everything in between.

    All my peers called me to ask for relationship advice or to talk about sex. (Or to ask if it’s safe to masturbate with Icy Hot — it’s not).

     I declared my major as “sexologist” before I even got into college.

    I dreamed of spending every day helping people enjoy sex and relationships.

    Today I live my dream, helping men and women all over the world have better sex.

    I help people build confidence, gain skills, discover themselves, create intimacy, increase self-esteem and live better lives in and outside of the bedroom.

    But enough about her qualifications! Let’s watch some videos.

    Great videos, right? Subscribe to her YouTube channel or check out her website.

    Caitlin isn’t paying anything to promote her videos, I just really liked them and wanted to share. If you have any sex-positive resources that you enjoy, send them to me! Thanks for this recommendation, @subhubphx

  • What Does Chastity Have To Do With Gender?

    What Does Chastity Have To Do With Gender?

    Here’s an email exchange with a reader over the last couple days:

    Reader– We have a somewhat female led relationship and my husband wears a chastity cage regularly, we do pegging somewhat regularly, is the next step cross-dressing?

    Emma– Has he expressed interest in cross dressing?

    Reader– Well no but I’ve watched some of the porn and female led relationship websites and it seems like that that is the next step.

    Emma– Ah I see. As with your relationship, everyone and everything is different. If your husband wants to cross dress, more power to him. If he wants to skydive, more power to him. Many of the female led relationship material that you read is male based fantasy and isn’t a reliable source of information. The ONLY reliable source for information about your relationship than talking to your partner.

    There are tons of things on the sexual spectrum and absolutely zero of them are linked to one another. Does he like pegging? Does he like waffles? Which sports team does he like? None of these things are related unless you make them related.

    A man who likes chastity or pegging isn’t necessarily a feminine guy. He could be. He could be craving a transition to transgender. Maybe not. Anybody that you see on the street could be coping with their gender or assigned sexuality.

    The vast majority of couples who enjoy pegging and/or chastity simply do it because it suits their relationship. Some couples tumble down a rabbit hole of fetish like Kevin and I did with our foray into the whole discipline side of things. We then decided it wasn’t for us and took a path back to the more vanilla approach that suits our relationship. Your rabbit hole may be forced feminization, sissification, diapers or puppy play. If any of those things work for the two of you, there’s nothing absolutely nothing wrong with it. Do what makes you happy.

    Sometimes exploration is required for us to understand our likes and dislikes and that is totally fine. I went through an exploratory phase with women because I absolutely love the female form but I didn’t enjoy the anatomy that accompanied. Does that make me a lesbian? Hardly.

    Some, such as Dan Savage have even suggested that kink is a sexual orientation. One survey from the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom found that 35 percent of BDSM practitioners are bisexual.

    Depending on the type of kink you are into, I’d suggest that you are more in-touch with your sexuality and open to trying new things than the normies that walk among us. We are all individual humans and we are all learning up until the day we die. If you stop learning, you might as well be dead inside anyway.