Reflections on my Journey

Here are some reflections on my experiences with FLRs and my own marriage.

I first came across FLR stuff around two years ago. Some of it was intuitive, but I previously didn’t know how to describe what I wanted out of a relationship the way FLR put those ideas into words. Then something clicked in me about a year and a half ago. I rediscovered my love for my wife. I found genuine enjoyment in doing acts of service for her. I wanted to pleasure her in every way possible. I saw her visibly happier and more comfortable with herself as a result of my actions, which in turn motivated me more. I would look at pictures of her on my phone and would be awestruck that this beautiful woman was my wife. I wanted to give her everything, including the ability to define our marriage how she wanted.

This lasted for about half a year. Then, other life obligations distracted us - work, finances, kids, physical issues leading to less sex, etc. Setbacks happen, and you lose your motivation to keep up the energy you put into your spouse, which affects her energy, and so on. We were back to the way we used to be in harder times - usually cordial but distant, preferring to spend our free time alone rather than with each other, and more bickering and fights. During this time, I looked back on everything I read about FLR as a phase and took on a more traditional view of marriage and being a husband. I felt the need to assert my will more and set expectations for my wife. Looking back, neither of us were happy during this period.

In recent weeks, we’ve experienced a revival of what I felt a year and a half ago, when we first started toying with some FLR ideas. I’m currently feeling what I felt back then - an intense love for my wife and an overall optimistic outlook, except now we’re in an even better position in life and have made steps in achieving some of the goals we set out to do years ago. There are more concrete ways to support my wife’s ambitions now. And she is noticeably happier too.

I write all this because it’s clear to me how natural this is, at least for us, over what I used to think I had to be as the man. When I put my wife first and step back and let her take the lead in areas where we previously butted heads, we’re both happier. I’m more laid back, which is a version of myself both my wife and I like more. There’s more affection and intimacy and no fighting. We work together as an amazing team. At the moment, my wife is in the early stages of making a home business. I’ve been the sole income-earner in our house for the past several years, but I’ve never been particularly passionate about my current career. It’s a means to support us. The idea that I can use my income toward my wife’s business, so she can build something that she loves doing and is skilled and attentive at, makes me incredibly happy. I want to see her flourish and I’m more than happy to take a supporting role while she steers the ship.

The first time I discovered FLR, I had some misconceptions and made some mistakes. This time around, things are more refined to me. I don’t have any expectations. I just enjoy every moment I get to spend with my wife, no matter what it consists of.

I don’t know if this is how most men are wired, or just the men who find their way to a site like this. I’ve taken on dominant roles in relationships and in other areas of life. I certainly have it in me. But I’ve never felt like I feel now being in that role, and that just doesn’t make for the best relationship we can have. Still, I’m not meek or submissive, even to my wife. She doesn’t want a weak man. I take the lead in areas of our relationship, but only because I’m more suited to by my wife’s own admission.

All this being said, I wanted to distill everything I’ve learned down to a few points. I don’t label this as FLR, dominance/submission, etc. It’s simply what I’ve found to be true for us.

1. My wife is at her best when she does not feel controlled and is free from pressures and expectations. She doesn’t feel the need to hide her preferences to be agreeable.
2. I’m at my best when I’m chill, not anxious, and don’t try to control things to produce a certain outcome I want.*
3. I’m thoughtful and add good input, but things are easier for both of us when I accept whatever her final decision is if there’s any disagreement on an action or plan (unless she delegates that responsibility to me).
4. My wife has control over intimacy. I’ll make requests or suggest things, but when she tells me “no,” I accept it without any more discussion.
5. We’re overall very loving and sweet to each other. As stated, she’s at her best when she’s more direct and blunt and I’m at my best when I’m chill and deferential. We joke sometimes about her being the boss, which amuses us both a bit and has some truth to it, but at our core we’re equals (with my wife being the tiebreaker when necessary).

*I’ve learned from my marriage and past experiences with women that this is a quality many women find attractive in men, but I can go into that more another time.

With sex, my wife is starting to let go of old notions of what sex should be: ending when the man comes, always being fast and hard intercourse, etc. She’s told me for years how she always felt pressure when she was younger to make sure the guy got his pleasure, even to her own detriment, and she admitted that as a result, she always had mixed feeling about sex. I’ve encouraged her to drop all these notions and simply do what makes her feel the best, with my full cooperation. I’d love to see where it leads and whether she can discover a new sexual appetite.

I’ll end by saying that I don’t find any of this to be inherently incompatible with traditional ideas of masculinity - it’s just a different interpretation that puts value in women and femininity as leaders. Men are traditionally providers, capable, and extremely devoted to the women they love. Most great love stories and love songs are about all a man will go through to bring happiness to his woman and his craving for her affection. I don’t think it’s accurate to make having dominance over a woman to be a trait of traditional masculinity. A man can choose not to devote himself to one woman and focus only on his own needs and success, as many do, but I wouldn’t call this dominance. Many married men I know do their own thing and choose to check out from their wives. I’d call this apathy and numbness, not dominance, nor would I call it masculine. Men truly in love have always felt the urge to give themselves entirely to their women. And from personal experience, I know how much more fulfilling this path is as opposed to the opposite path with no obligations or responsibilities, finding gratification from many passing women as opposed to one lifelong partner, and generally other traits of the “alpha male” lifestyle which glorifies conquering. No doubt, I’ve had periods of my life where this was appealing and fun, but it’s nothing compared to what I’m experiencing now. And I’m not ashamed to admit that what I’m experiencing involves giving certain control to my wife.