The vast majority of sexuality isn’t about the positions, the toys, or even the orgasms. It’s about the emotions. It’s about how we make our partner feel during and after sex. Your biggest sex organ is your brain (yes, even men).
I think sometimes we underestimate the power of a moan, a “you feel so good,” or a whispered “yes, baby, just like that.” These little pieces of feedback are what transform sex from an act into a story that your partner will remember, replay, and crave again and again.
Because here’s the truth: sex doesn’t live only in the body. It lives in memory, in the ego, and in the stories we tell ourselves afterward. That’s why the way we frame our sex life verbally has such a huge impact on the kind of relationship dynamic we create.
Is he walking away from sex thinking, I’m such a stud, she couldn’t get enough of me?
Or is he thinking, Wow, she’s way out of my league. I’ll never measure up and I’ll never be enough for her but God, I love how she teases me about it?
The story he takes away from the bedroom comes from you. You’re shaping the narrative with your words. And that narrative is the foundation of whatever dynamic you want to build together, whether that’s a traditional modern marriage, a hotwife arrangement, or a cuckold dynamic.
Words Matter More Than We Admit
When I think back on some of my hottest memories with Kev or Erik, it’s not always about the physical sensations I felt in the moment. It’s about what was said. The whispered encouragement, the playful taunts, the moans that slipped out of me when I wasn’t trying to hold back.
And for men, this effect is magnified. So many men are hardwired to measure their worth sexually. They want to be told they’re good, big, strong, skilled, satisfying. Or they want to be reminded that they’re not, there’s always a bigger man waiting to satisfy you and they’ll never measure up, that they’re yours only because you allow them to be. Either way, the words you use control how they interpret the sex you’re having.
The psychology here is simple but powerful. Men crave narrative. They don’t just want to feel good in the moment, they want to look back and feel aroused again because of the way you made them feel about themselves. That’s why verbal encouragement isn’t just sexy, it’s key to an ongoing dynamic. Give him a sexual experience that leaves him thinking about you long after you leave the sheets, positive or negative. It doesn’t really matter.
The Stud or the Sub
As women, we hold the map of the relationship dynamic. We get to choose the story we want him to take home with him. We get to choose the fantasy we want him to have when he jerks off and thinks about you.
If you want him to feel like a stud:
You shower him with praise. Tell him he’s big. Tell him he’s the best you’ve ever had. Tell him you can’t walk straight afterward. Moan like he’s breaking you apart (in the best way). When he looks back on the experience, he remembers being powerful, wanted, irresistible and manly. That feeling keeps him coming back, eager to reclaim that role and those feelings again and again. This dynamic gives him feelings of sexual power in the dynamic.
If you want a cuckold or submissive dynamic:
You play with his insecurities. You remind him sometimes gently, sometimes teasingly, that he doesn’t quite measure up. Maybe you use small penis humiliation (SPH) to underline the contrast. Maybe you moan louder when you are with your boyfriend and let him hear the difference. Maybe you tell him how cute it is that he tries so hard. That leaves him feeling inferior, but in the way that fuels his desire for you. He wants to prove himself. He craves the dynamic of being “not enough” yet still desperately yours.
Both approaches work. Both are deeply erotic. And both come down to the words you choose.
Men Are Simple
I say this with deep love for men – men are simple creatures when it comes to sex. Their brains are designed to be wonderfully manipulatable. The male ego is tied so tightly to sexuality that the way you speak to him can condition his desire almost like Pavlov’s bell.
Moan for him, and he’ll want to repeat what made you moan. Tease him about being small, and he’ll crave that dynamic because it’s linked with arousal. Praise him as your king, and he’ll step into that role again and again because it makes him feel powerful.
Now, when I use the word manipulatable, I don’t mean sneaky or underhanded. I don’t mean tricking him into something he doesn’t understand. Quite the opposite. The most powerful relationships are the ones where we acknowledge the game we’re playing. Where we say out loud, “Hey, I love teasing you about this, it turns me on when you squirm.” Or, “I love when you talk dirty to me, it makes me want you even more.”
Reinforcing your modern marriage dynamic with subtle manipulation is a great way to guide your relationship with purpose and intention. “God, he made me feel so good last night with his big dick. Did you like seeing me with a real man’s cock? You are the best husband, thank you so much for being so supportive of my needs.” This type of comment gives him security, importance, and makes him feel like he is doing a good job as a husband. If he can’t please you sexually, he can facilitate someone who can and that creates a win/win relationship.
That’s not manipulation. That’s erotic transparency. It’s choosing to shape each other’s desires consciously instead of leaving it to chance.
Building the Narrative Together
So how do you actually put this into practice? It comes down to three things:
- Encouragement in the moment. Don’t be silent. Let him know what’s working. Tell him how he’s making you feel and then exaggerate it for effect. Those words stick in his memory and build his arousal for next time.
- Reinforcement afterward. Pillow talk is your secret weapon. After sex, as you’re cuddling, drop a few lines that reinforce the narrative you want him to believe. “God, you destroyed me. I’m going to be feeling this tomorrow.” Or, “You looked so cute trying to keep up.” “I loved looking deep into your loving eyes as he filled me.” Those are the sentences he’s going to carry with him into his next fantasy session. Those are the sentences that will think about time and time again.
- Integration into your dynamic. Over time, you’ll notice patterns in what excites him most. Build on that. If he melts every time you call him small, lean into SPH. If he lights up when you tell him he’s the best, feed that. The more consistent you are, the more you condition him to crave that exact dynamic. Prioritize your needs, if you want to feel in control of the sexual dynamic, go for the cuckold/SPH path. If you want to feel submissive and let him be your sexual conqueror, go that direction.
Relationship Positivity First
Here’s the important part. None of this works if it’s done with malice. The goal isn’t to hurt your partner or tear him down. The goal is to shape the kind of erotic story you both want to live in. Your erotic story is the backbone of your relationship. If you lose the erotic story, you shift to a friendship dynamic. If you cultivate and curate that erotic story, you get a rich, thriving relationship with a deep rooted sexual dynamic that ties everything together. Make mundane everyday tasks like grocery shopping and oil changes exciting by giving the entire relationship a sexual undertone.
That’s the difference between relationships that last and relationships that flounder. Decorate a wonderful layer of sexual icing on the cake of your relationship. That’s the part he craves and the part that will keep him coming back for bite after bite of delicious cake.
That means communication, lots and lots of communication. Talk about what excites you. Talk about the things you’re afraid to admit. Laugh about the fact that you are shaping each other’s turn-ons and how fun that is to experience together.
I know in my own marriage, the hottest moments are the ones where Kev and I are completely transparent. He knows I love teasing him about size, and he loves that I get so turned on doing it. There’s no secret manipulation, just playful honesty. That’s why it works.
Words Without Sex
Sometimes words carry all the weight. I love sex and I write about it endlessly, but words and sex don’t always have to be glued together. They can stand alone, each powerful in its own right. Silent sex can be electric; bodies colliding, heat building, no words needed. But on the flip side, words without sex can be just as charged. The mind is so wonderfully erotic that sometimes all it takes is a voice painting the picture, guiding the energy, and weaving a story to ignite desire.
One way this plays out beautifully is through verbal instruction. Think about talking him through his own masturbation, coaching his hand on his little peen as if you were his director. You’re not touching him, yet your control is absolute. The words drip with power; faster, slower, edge yourself, stop and he follows, intensely locked into your voice. You’re not having sex with him, but you’re completely entwined in his arousal. That’s words becoming sex without the act itself.
Another playful twist is incorporating erotic stories into your dynamic. Imagine handing him a story to read aloud while you stroke him, making it a little trade-off. He provides the words, you provide the touch. You can pause when you want, tease him with your hand, then pick back up again, all while his voice carries the heat of the narrative. What’s so beautiful about this is the transparency it creates. You get to feel, quite literally, the moments in the story that excite him the most. His body will betray his arousal, and you’ll know exactly what grabs him. This can be especially powerful for husbands who carry shame around what turns them on or who struggle to articulate their fantasies. The story does the talking for him, and your hand keeps him honest, creating a safe, intimate way to explore his hidden desires together.
Then there’s fantasy talk, which can tiptoe into something even more deliciously vulnerable. Imagine sharing a fantasy about a strong, handsome, well-endowed man who’s caught your fascination. You describe every detail this beautiful man holding you down and pounding the ever loving life out of you while your husband listens, pleasuring himself, fully aware he’s not in the fantasy. He is on the outside, not included, listening, aching, and aroused because your pleasure is real. It’s a borderline cuckold experience without another man even present. Just your words, his hand, and your willingness to share your desire. For many couples, this can be a safe, thrilling first step into the idea of cuckold dynamics with no physical risk, just the mental spark of letting him feel what it’s like to be on the edge of exclusion.
Applying This to Cuckold and Hotwife Dynamics
For those of us who live in cuckold or hotwife arrangements, words are the glue that hold it all together. Without them, the experiences risk feeling flat or even confusing.
When Kev watches me with Erik, it’s not just the physical contrast that excites him, it’s what I say. Both of them respond so vividly to my responses and I know how to play with those strings. It’s how I moan louder for Erik. It’s when I look over at Kev and tell him how much better it feels. It’s when I thank him afterward for letting me be fully satisfied. That verbal play is what transforms the experience into a deep, erotic ritual that feeds all of us.
When you tell your husband, “You’ll get your turn later,” or “I need you to clean me up,” you’re scripting his arousal. You’re controlling the story he takes home; whether that’s humiliation, pride, or devotion.
Encouragement in Modern Marriage
Even if cuckolding isn’t your thing, the principle still applies. In a modern marriage, where so many couples struggle with boredom, distraction, or dead bedrooms, verbal encouragement can be the key to keeping things hot.
When you tell your husband he’s sexy, he’ll believe it. When you whisper in his ear that he makes you wet, it fuels him. When you praise his efforts, even if it was far from perfect he’ll want to try again.
If you criticize him, if you give a lackluster effort, if you seem disconnected and disinterested, if you make sex an obligation without sexualizing the effort (positive or negative) you are missing the mark. The point isn’t whether he’s actually the “best you’ve ever had.” The point is how he feels, because that feeling keeps him connected, aroused, and devoted.
Next time you’re intimate with your partner, pay attention to your words. Rather than focus fully on your own pleasure, give a tiny amount of focus to the story you’re telling him. Are you making him feel like your stud? Are you reinforcing his submissive craving? Are you leaving him desperate for more, or proud of himself?
You control the narrative. You get to decide what kind of dynamic you want to cultivate. And once you do, his desire will follow.
Evolving the Conversation
- How do you think your words during sex shape the way your partner feels afterward?
- Have you ever consciously used encouragement or teasing to guide the kind of dynamic you want?
- If you’re in a cuckold or hotwife arrangement, how does verbal play intensify the experience for you?
- Do you think men are more influenced by what happens during sex or how they remember it afterward?
- What’s one phrase you could say in bed tonight that would change the story your partner tells himself tomorrow?
