Non-Monogamy

My Husband Wants to Share Me

My husband said that he wants to share me, what do I do? This is a question I get pretty frequently and although it may seem alarming, it almost always comes from a good place. The question itself is becoming more and more common and is almost always initiated by the man. Before we get down to the actual question, let’s do some research together.

Sperm Competition Theory

The sperm competition theory is the theory that sperm inseminated into a female are competing amongst each other as well as sperm which were inseminated by another male. We are essentially saying that women have evolved to have multiple partners inseminate her. As a culture and through religious ideals, we’ve decided that monogamy is the cultural norm for us. Research shows that women’s libidos flatline when they are in a long-term relationship but the same doesn’t happen for men.

Dead Bedrooms

There is an entire subreddit dedicated to deadbedrooms which is a support group for people who are lacking in sexual intimacy. This is certainly a mix of both sexually dissatisfied men and women but the majority are male. Men and women get married for many reasons including security, stability, child rearing and sex is certainly one of the reasons. Few go into a marriage with the expectation of not having sex so when things change, partners often question why things changed. Resentment, infidelity, porn, financial reasons; the list of things that can pull a couple apart are endless.

Other Partners

The idea of taking another partner goes against much of what women are taught as we are growing up and random hookups go against much of what we actually need sexually. Men are typically fine with no strings attached sex but women need some emotional attachment to enjoy it. Because of the fact that our bodies can bear children, our minds require a level of emotional attachment for arousal to occur. The emotional attachment is the challenge for us, not getting you into bed. On the flip side, the challenge for men is getting us into bed. We are wired differently and that is ok.

How can we cope with a dwindling libido especially when the love for our partner grows stronger with each passing day? Our ability to show love in a physical sense can taper off after time. Many men make the incorrect assumption that the butterflies of newness women feel are the same as love and they are very wrong. I can love my boyfriend but feel intense butterflies about someone else. Have you ever sat at a bar, flirting with someone new and felt intense chemistry? That chemistry is your body telling you that you might be sexually compatible with someone.

The Newness

When you’ve been married to someone for half a century, you don’t need your body to tell you that you are compatible with that person. You stop flirting with each other and those feelings go away and that is ok. Getting those butterflies back is something many couples desperately try and force but it isn’t happening. Those butterflies are a chemical reaction and it is impossible to bring newness back to a relationship. You can rekindle your relationship and you can take wonderful adventures but trying to create newness is an exercise in futility. You aren’t new anymore. Deal with it.

If you can’t create newness with a man that you love and trust unquestionably, how can you feel these butterflies with someone that you met ten minutes ago? Your body is wired to seek out new partners and new experiences. Did you know that your body is actually wired to push the long term mate away? The mood swings around your period actually have evolutionary roots. PMS is designed to dissolve couples that might be infertile or incapable of producing offspring by pushing the unsuitable mate away to allow her to hook up with other more fertile mates. Ok so now I know that my body is trying to sabotage my relationship by taking my newness and then push him away with the powers of PMS. Thanks for that, body.

It’s Not About You

Ok thanks for the science lesson but what does this all have to do with my husband wanting to share me? Hold your horses, I was getting there. For many relationships, sexual or perceived sexual satisfaction is the number one sign of a healthy relationship to men. If it feels like you are dissatisfied sexually, he feels like he has failed as a mate. Men feel like it is their job to ensure your safety, security and sexual satisfaction. That’s a ton of S words, I promise I didn’t plan it that way. The point is that men will do their best to satisfy you with toys, their mouth and suggesting things to spice up the relationship. Subconsciously, that is what they are trying to do when your guy comes to you with exciting fetishes like chastity, pegging or one of the millions of other fetishes.

Make it About You

So you begrudgingly try locking his penis in a cage, maybe you peg him a time or two to try and satiate his need. You aren’t into it but you give it the old college try because you care about him. You love him. What he really wants is for you to feel those butterflies again. What if trying one of those fetishes is exactly what you need to feel those butterflies again? I know that chastity for me gave me a man who was chivalrous, emotionally available and hell he actually flirts with me when he is locked up. Pegging was the same thing for us, I feel strong, empowered and incredible when I strap on that rubber dong. Those things are great but another man? Are we sure that this is a good idea?

Another Guy

Society absolutely frowns upon women that take another lover. An adulterous man is almost an accepted occurrence. A woman who takes another lover is shunned as a whore and a slut. Step outside of society’s dumb double standard and assume that only you and your husband would know. What would taking another guy do for your self esteem? Assuming you’ve communicated your concerns, what are the risks?

What are his REAL motives?

One of the first things that comes to mind is the assumption that he is doing this because he wants to justify an open relationship. He is only suggesting this because he wants another woman. We always go back to that “I am not good enough” mentality. If I do this, he will hold this over my head later. If this is a concern in your relationship, set this one straight right away. You may be surprised that he is simply wanting you to experience more and experience a deeper sexual connection. Women after very sensual beings and most of us thrive on attention and constant validation validation of our self worth. Consider for a moment that his real motives may be your happiness and sexual satisfaction.

Flirting

Let’s say you meet a guy at a bar or club and flirt innocently, you don’t exchange numbers or other contact information. This is relatively innocent and you will feel the endorphin rush of flirting. It stops there, mission accomplished. You will probably take that endorphin rush home and have some pretty wild sex with your partner regardless of whether or not you tell him about your flirting experience. Your body got a dose of that newness and it liked the way it felt.

Beyond Flirting

Imagine that the flirting scenario happened but your partner was with you. You were flirting with this guy and your partner was either with you or watching you from a safe distance. You really liked flirting with that guy, your partner could see the glimmer in your eye so you decide to exchange numbers and talk to your partner about it.

Threesome

You talk to your partner and decide that you want to invite your new friend over. The three of you have a few drinks at your place and eventually go to the bedroom, together. The two men share you and excitedly focus their attention on you and your body. Still relatively safe. You and your partner are on the same page and he was an active participant. You took things beyond flirting and you took things as far as you felt comfortable in the bedroom. Cool!

Cuckold

Same scenario as before except you invite the new friend over and your husband doesn’t go to the bedroom with you. He stays in the main room as you go off to the room with your new friend. He might also go to the room with you but watch rather than participating. In either case you get what your body has been craving, newness. This can be an intensely hot make out session or you can take things all the way, whatever you and your partner feel comfortable with.

It Happened Now What?

This part is important. You satiate his insecurities and COMMUNICATE openly about the experience. Start by thanking your partner for sharing you, thank him for being confident enough in your relationship to allow you to try something like this. What did you like about it? What did you dislike about it? Did he smell nice? Did he have a nice penis? How about his abs, his chest? How did he feel when you squeezed him, when you touched him? Talk to your partner and enjoy the conversation together. He will see the glow in your eye as you rehash the experience. For this to be successful, he needs to open up completely as well. It is very likely that something about the experience made him insecure and require your reassurance. While you may boast about the experience, remind him that it was a physical treat and nothing like the intimacy that you share together.

Allow Him To Reclaim You

This sounds stupid but after sharing you, he may feel more distant. Pull close to him and be affectionate. He may feel the need to cuddle, lay with his head on your lap or otherwise accept a nurturing role from you. If you are up to it, allow him to go down on you or massage your legs or feet. This is about him realizing that you value, love and respect him. This is physical reassurance.

How Does it Feel?

The first time for me, it felt weird. When I entered a relationship, my mind totally shut off to the advances of other men. I would avoid situations that might encourage other men. It took time and introspection before my mind would open up to allow me to look for signs of guys taking interest in me. It took even longer before I felt confident enough to reciprocate by sending signs back his way. The experience of feeling sexually desired by a new man without any guilt cannot be explained. As I grew more comfortable, it became like having my cake and eating it too.

Is This a Healthy Relationship

If two consenting adults do something that makes them grow together then I don’t think anyone could argue that it isn’t healthy for the two of them. Make sure that you are on the same page, always. If one of you shuts down, hurt feelings are inevitable. Setting aside time without the distraction of tv or phones is essential to make sure that you are both level setting together. If at the end of your conversation, you determine that everything is great then the relationship is healthy. If you don’t see eye to eye on something, discuss it and then discuss it again until you feel good about it and about each other.

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dharmaproject

Great article. Interesting how we’ve been conditioned to be monogamous by society. I know ENM is not for everyone but it may be more normal than society will accept at this time.

Johndalton

Emma , love your site ! I am a strong believer in the concepts of a WLM/FLR. As I matured in the lifestyle my views on the principles of Cuckolding ( hate the word ) changed and evolved greatly. My wife is free to pursue other love interests but I seriously doubt she ever will. She came very close once but likely did not follow through with the encounter. It was some time before I realized this so I have experience the incredible highs and lows of the emotional roller coaster that most men feel . The experience was incredible for both of us and made us so much closer for a time. Your insight and post is absolutely the best description and “ how to “ I have ever read! GREAT POST! Should be required reading for any man desiring a FLR/WLM as I believe it to be a likely development as the female led relationships matures.

Take care
John Dalton

HappyCuckold

John, I share your feelings about WLM/FLR. Although I embrace my status as a cuckold, I understand your dislike of the word. I don’t actually think of my wife’s sexual experiences with other men as “cuckolding” because that puts the focus on me instead of her. She has had erotic relationships with other men for her own purposes, not “to cuckold” me. I think that is an important distinction in a WLM. I detest cuckolding websites where men discuss ways of manipulating their wives into having sex with other men. I find that demeaning to women and contrary to the spirit of WLM.

Johndalton

HappyCuckold, we are on the same page for sure. My happiness is found in her freedom to experience the joys of her sexuality. No manipulation ! Very likely that she will never move outside of our relationship but the freedom changes everything ! I love seeing that excitement in her eyes as she describes flirtatious encounters with other men! It is obvious that the experience makes her feel alive , attractive and yes desirable. The energy of the encounter simply cannot be matched in the dogma of total monogamy. This is why I love the empowerment of a FLR/WLM. She is simply in control!

take care
John Dalton

HappyCuckold

Excellent article. My wife and I had a FLR for a while before I raised the possibility of her embracing the freedom to have sex with other men. I was nervous about telling her I had cuckold fantasies for the reason you said: I thought she might think I had ulterior motives. I didn’t. I honestly wanted her to experience a kind of pleasure I had never been able to give her due to the small size of my penis and my tendency to cum too quickly. She had always enjoyed oral sex and she thought her inability to have orgasms from penetration was normal. But when we started to play with dildos, she discovered a new kind of pleasure. Apparently, size did matter. Stamina certainly did. That’s when she became curious about sex with other men. She acknowledged that the idea of sexual variety turned her on. She didn’t rush into it, and she didn’t look for one night stands because what you said about some women needing an emotional connection to enjoy sex was true for her. Therefore, she has ended up having long term relationships that involve more than just sex. It was emotionally challenging for me to accept that her lovers were truly lovers, but we communicated openly about our feelings, and I learned to accept that loving relationships with other men didn’t diminish her love for me. If anything, it has deepened our love. Her pleasure gives me joy, and she is grateful that she has been able to explore her sexuality with other men, without endangering our marriage. Anyway, based on my own experience, I think your blog is informative and insightful. Thank you.

Justacouple

Thank you for sharing your perspective on this! I can relate a lot and don’t like the cuckolding word either.
For us it started when we ware talking about past experiences and she told me about one of her previous boyfriends who was very well endowed and how great and different it felt with him. I was stunned and aroused at the same time.
That was the moment when I understood that I can’t fulfill all her needs and it would be selfish from my side not to support her if she feels she wants to pursue that experience.

Last edited 1 month ago by Justacouple
ejaculatoryorgasm

and so it is decided for all of us.Maybe theres some of us that dont have a short attention span or maybe we have the understanding of what a monogamous long term relationship really is. The longer Ive been with just one other person the better the sex has gotten and isnt showung signs of slowing.

Johndalton

And maybe some of us understand too well what a monogamous relationship really is and want to share new experiences with the one we have chosen to live our lives with. It is in the oneness of monogamy that we share these new experiences as a couple. I celebrate your choice of total monogamy and often marvel when couples reach milestones of years in marriage……. but cannot help feeling sadness at all you have missed .

Take care
John Dalton

HappyCuckold

I don’t see this blog saying that anything is “decided for all of us.” It pretty clearly says the opposite, that different things work for different couples. Nobody is criticizing or judging your lifestyle choice. If you and your partner are happy, that’s all that matters. But why do you feel the need to judge people with different lifestyles?

Steven

Waw. So much sexist, outdated nonsense in this. Mixing and matching 1800s culture with little bits of 20th century theory to make a nonsense point and answer a question no one was asking.
Just a horrible, one sided, marxist-feminist load of garbage.
Writing style is also poor, I seriously got bored after the first paragraph.

HappyCuckold

So why are you here, Steven? Why are you bothering to comment? In order to comment here, you even had to make the effort to register. Why was this blog’s effect on you significant enough to make you do that? It’s a bit strange, don’t you think?

HappyCuckold

For the record, I would like to say that you write well, Emma. You explain your ideas clearly. It is true that evolutionary psychology is highly speculative, so we can’t know for sure whether the theories are correct. But when I consider the experience my wife and I have had with wife led non-monogamy, the theories ring true. We have told few people we know about this aspect of our lifestyle because we fear they wouldn’t understand. I applaud people like you who blog about it in a way that encourages discussion and promotes understanding. Thank you.

I would like to add that when I was a young man, I may have reacted to your blog the way Steven did. It think I would have found your celebration of wife led marriage threatening, and if anyone had told me I would one day get pleasure from my wife’s enjoyment of a sexual freedom that is denied to me, I would have said they were crazy. Being cuckolded would have seemed like an unbearable humiliation. Maybe it is a bit like the phenomenon of men who are vehemently homophobic in their youth later coming out as gay.

Husband62

Emma does an amazing job with all of her blogs. So insightful and thought provoking. I so appreciate her efforts. I know it must seem like work at times. This notion that women lose their libido for their long term partner in contrast to men seems to be a fairly recent discovery. Perhaps the last 5 years or so. This new knowledge should really benefit men going forward. Men will know what the future holds a bit better and have better expectations for long term marriage. All of my male friends in long term marriages love their wives but want sex and intimacy way more than their wives.

We had always heard that a man’s sex drive peaked at 18 and that a woman’s peaked in their late 30’s. I remember getting married in my mid 20’s. We could not keep our hands off each other and I thought this is going to be even better when her drive peaks. Ah, youthful ignorance. I think husbands then try and figure out something that will enhance things. So chastity or cuckolding or other creative ideas are offered. And if you have a vanilla wife, it is a gut wrenching conversation even if you have the gumption to bring it up.

One other thing I have noticed as I have gotten older is that the husbands in these long term marriages seem to be more submissive as time passes. These gents were very successful in corporate America. Maybe they are just tired of leading or their wives have become more confident. I do think there is quite a high percentage of submissive men that would like to please their wives. Certainly a higher percentage than we realize. I think we all wish our long term wives had the same level of interest in intimacy as us.

Every once in a while you will hear of a wife being still crazy interested in sex. My friends and I just look at the husband in admiration and jealousy.

Emma, please keep up your fine work. All of us out here want to improve our relationships and love learning.

Husband62

I think you are exactly on point Emma concerning the emotional side of older men. One thing I have never been able to wrap my mind around is the testosterone equation of semen retention and the follow on emotions. I saw the study that showed testosterone increased by 145% in just 7 days of semen retention. You would think a man’s emotions and thoughts would be aggressive and alpha. In my case and I surmise many men, I go the other way. I find I have more submissive emotions. More giving. I want to be a better friend, husband, father.

it is almost like I am the best version of myself. I like the way I feel after say 7 days. Yet my testosterone must be peaking. The longest I have ever gone without orgasm is 20 days. I know that is not long compared to many on this blog. I know Emma and Kevin like the 7 day cycle. I can’t say I have noticed much change between the 7 and 20 day mark in terms of emotional state. It is so fascinating to experiment, learn and grow in attempts to be a better human being.

Raul

I have a very similar experience with semen retention – for a few days after orgasm I’m a bit low in energy and emotionally depleted, but by the 7th to 9th day have fully recovered and loving the emotional and physical surge. Interestingly, desire for my next orgasm diminishes by the 3rd to 5th day, which is helpful as we have PIV sex almost every day. We both love using my hard cock in the early morning, often laying still or barely moving, as described in Diana Richardson’s book Slow Sex. It sets us up for the day! 🙂 My wife likes an orgasm every two weeks or so, and sometimes has me ejaculate so she can rub herself with my semen as this really excites her. I’m happy to oblige, and find that my recovery period is shorter after a longer period of retention. I usually ejaculate monthly. I would like her to control when I may, but she isn’t interested.

I’m 73 years old, and started retaining after reading Yoga Girl four years ago. I’m convinced I’m healthier, and our love life and marriage (51 years) just keeps getting better.