A man who does laundry, cleans around the house. Pure hotness. Are you kidding me? On the other hand, we are hard wired to have a man who provides security (financial and otherwise). That means a domesticated man should be completely unattractive to us. Ladies, ask yourself if you find an apron wielding man to be a sexual object or a sexless eunich. For those of you with a stay at home man, do you find that this adds to his sex appeal or does it make you more observant and critical of his shortcomings? Do you find your stay at home man to be the object of your affection or do you find yourself drifting elsewhere for mental stimulation when it comes time to paddle the pink canoe, finger paint, visiting the old safety deposit box or woman ‘splain yourself to yourself. (Yes, these are all lovely euphemisms for masturbation.)
Chores make men sexy
Tidying up the house is hard work and although picking up after yourself is an expectation, it can’t be taken for granted. A man that goes the extra mile to either do chores equal to that of his partner or exceeding that of his partner is a better and more thoughtful lover. While I don’t know that I find it sexually appealing to see Kev vacuuming, I do feel like he is more on my team. I feel like he is a better, more caring and selfless partner.
Who is on top?
One of the interesting things which may reinforce the gender role stereotype is that I often find myself fantasizing about penetrating rather than being penetrated by my domesticated spouse. When I see him clean, I find myself wanting to dominate him sexually rather than allow him to dominate me. Our love life is a give and take relationship, sometimes he gives while I take and other times I give while he takes. A family that pegs together stays together. Right? A domesticated man lends himself to a female led relationship or female led partnership because he allows himself to accept a submissive role and that is hot.
What kind of sex is it?
The sex you have with a man who does chores is an emotionally connected sex. This isn’t passion fueled pheromone fueled fucking, this is an emotional connection. This is a man who is your partner and has proven such by accepting a nontraditional role. Is that to say that a man who snubs his nose at housework is a better lover? It might be, in fact he might be a great roll in the hay but never as a long term partner. A man who shows his generosity and helpfulness around the house is long term partner material.
Transactional sex
I washed the dishes and vacuumed the house, now you owe me sex. Uh hello, this is the most unattractive attitude a man can take and nothing will make me resent you and sex more. I’ve talked to a few lovely ladies who agree with this. The motivation behind the act is far more important than the act itself. It is almost like compersion or cuckolding. If he wants to make me have sex with someone else to push his will on me, that is far different than allowing me to have sex with someone so I can experience added pleasure that might add to our relationship.
The trophy husband
Your guy goes to the gym while you are at work, worries about his appearance, plays some sports and is… well… hot. How is the hunk different than the dad bod wielding man who helps around the house? I think it comes down to his mentality, does he workout to compensate for staying at home? Does he do it for me? Does he do it for his self worth and to fish for compliments from me? Long term relationships go beyond physical attraction. At some point, his body becomes secondary to his mind and the emotional connection. Kev isn’t a trophy husband but he is a runner and when he goes to the gym, it doesn’t take long before he has a noticeable change in his physique. Jealous stare in Kev’s direction! Progress at the gym takes me forever but fitness is most certainly a shared passion for both of us.
Time as an indicator of value
The partner in a marriage with less valuable time is the less valuable partner. If I have spare time, I am less highly demanded and therefore less valuable. I make $200 an hour at work therefore my time is more valuable than the $0 an hour that you earn for our family by vacuuming at home. This is a fallacy that is easy to slip into when trying to apply traditional supply and demand economics to a relationship. Guess what, supply and demand has zero bearing on relationships unless there is not sufficient supply of time to make the other partner feel important. Does your partner value your time? If you tell him a story, does he give you his attention or is he multitasking on something else? Make each other important by making the other person’s time valuable to you. Consider that the $200 an hour that you make is $100 per hour for yourself and $100 per hour for your spouse. His support is what allows you to earn such a wage, if he wasn’t doing the vacuuming and childcare you wouldn’t be able to maintain your fancy job.
Turning the tables to his needs
So what about his needs? What does a stay at home husband need from you? What needs do reversed family roles create for a relationship? We already talked about time but it should be restated since he only has screaming toddlers to converse with during his day. Most of his male friends probably cannot relate to his daily tasks just like many men would find it difficult to relate to the daily tasks of their stay at home wives. We aren’t so different really, once we wear a certain hat we assume many of the characteristics of that role regardless of gender. What about feeling sexy, stay at home wives want to feel sexy and men do too. Men aren’t afforded many opportunities to feel sexy in our society which makes it even more difficult. Odds are, he won’t get what he needs from communicating what you actually feel for him because it doesn’t speak to his needs. You likely feel supported and loved but what he needs is to feel sexy and possibly even objectified. While you and I may not want to feel objectified because it reduces our worth to our physical appearance, men don’t always share the same hang-ups because society doesn’t treat men like sex objects. I think a little objectification can be a good thing for both genders and possibly even a requirement of a healthy relationship. Consider for a moment how the following compliments make you feel. You are such a good provider for our family. Your ass is absolutely stunning in those shorts, I can’t take my eyes off of you. We have such engaging conversations, I love talking to you. Looking into your eyes makes me hard, you are my perfect partner. Some of those hit harder in the feels than others, share the compliments that make you feel appreciated and really listen to your partner when he tells you what makes him feel good. The compliments that may make you feel emptiest might just make him feel fullest. As similar as we are, we are different in many ways as well.
Another great article Emma!!
That last section hit me so hard and so close to home.
“Odds are, he won’t get what he needs from communicating what you actually feel for him because it doesn’t speak to his needs. You likely feel supported and loved but what he needs is to feel sexy and possibly even objectified.”
This speaks to my needs and is right on the mark. I want to feel sexy to my wife. I want her to tell me and show me that there are times when she must have me at all costs; that I am hers for her pleasures and desires and that nothing will stop her from getting what she wants. Call it what you will, all be it objectification. I want it!!!
New twitter friend here ?. I saw this article and it works for me on so many levels. Two questions. We are new to female led relationships and don’t do pegging. How can I have submissive sex with him without pegging? and also how can I explain to him that there is a type of lovemaking that I cannot do with an emotionally bonded partner like my husband?
We always love inviting new friends to the EYM castle!
Don’t rush pegging, it is something you can ease into together when it feels like a comfortable next step. Some couples love it and others, not so much. The good news is that pegging isn’t a requirement for female dominant sex. There are several positions which are female dominant but the best way to exercise dominance in the bedroom is with orgasm control. That isn’t just orgasm denial, it is controlling the frequency of his orgasms. Sometimes I’m not in the mood for sex and I’ll just ask Kev to masturbate for me. Sometimes I’ll allow him to finish, sometimes not. Sometimes I’ll pleasure myself while I watch him. Other times I’ll just enjoy watching his body and the expression on his face while he plays with himself. The cage is an optional accessory as well but like pegging, it isn’t necessary. Welcome to the site, please introduce yourself when you have time, we would love to hear about your journey!
Remember, communicate, communicate, communicate. You can’t truly connect on a deep emotional level without knowing what is going on in your biggest sex organ. Your brains.
This one says it all!
Great article. I think this is one of the most simple and overlooked methods a man has to actually affect the SO’s mode in day-to-day life. It reminds me of an old blog Surrendered Hubby.
On Becoming A Surrendered Hubby: Put on those Aprons boys, and get back to your housework!
On Becoming A Surrendered Hubby: Housework – Learning to Love it!
Great topic. I especially like the section on going to the gym and keeping fit. As often happens with your blogs, it led me to reflect on why I like to keep fit. I do it for me but also for her — and she regularly tells me it is appreciated. Since we are both home, retired, it is not a question of doing chores because the other person is working. I just like to do it especially, when I hear her tell her friends that I am an expect on glass cleaning with my own secret vinegar and water mixture. I also enjoy serving the ladies and taking care of dishes when she has friends over. It is almost the opposite of the traditional custom of the men going to the drawing room to smoke. After dinner, the ladies will often sit on the patio sipping wine, I will discreetly clean the kitchen and then go read or otherwise occupy myself.