When it comes to any type of sexual exploration—whether you're curious about swinging, cuckolding, BDSM, polyamory, or any other form of consensual non-monogamy—there’s one vital ingredient that often gets overlooked: having a secure base as a couple. Without that solid foundation, all the wild adventures in the bedroom (or outside it) can bring more confusion, resentment, and emotional shutdown than joy and connection. So, let’s dive into why this "secure base" is essential and how to make sure you have one before jumping into anything new.
First, let’s break it down. When I say “secure base,” I’m talking about a deep sense of trust, understanding, and connection between you and your partner. It’s the kind of bond where you both know, without a shadow of a doubt, that no matter what happens—whether it’s a failed experiment with a third partner or a kink gone wrong—you’ll still have each other’s backs. You’re solid. You’re each other’s ride-or-die.
Having a secure base doesn’t mean you’re a perfect couple with zero issues (who is, right?). It simply means you’ve built a strong enough relationship that can weather the storms. You trust each other fully, you communicate openly, and you’ve laid a foundation of emotional safety. And let me tell you, without this, any new sexual exploration you try will be shaky ground.
The concept of a secure base and safe haven is beautifully discussed in Jessica Fern’s book Polysecure, which is required reading in ENM circles and explores attachment theory with a focus on non-monogamy. Expect a full book report at some point in the future. In her book, Fern explains that a secure base is the foundation from which we feel safe to explore and grow, both in life and within our relationships. In this context, it refers to the emotional connection and stability we share with our partners, giving us the confidence to pursue personal interests or new sexual experiences, knowing we have a secure and supportive partnership to return to. Without this foundational trust, feelings of insecurity or fear may surface, disrupting the relationship’s ability to navigate complex dynamics.
The idea of a safe haven, on the other hand, focuses on the emotional safety a partner provides when we face stress, challenges, or fears. Fern writes, “A safe haven means that when things go wrong, you know your partner will be there for you, offering comfort, reassurance, and love.” This is crucial when engaging in any kind of sexual exploration, whether monogamous or polyamorous. Having a partner who serves as a safe haven ensures that no matter what happens during new experiences, both partners can seek comfort and reconnect emotionally.
Fern emphasizes that in polyamorous or open relationships, maintaining both a secure base and a safe haven is even more critical because of the complexities and potential emotional vulnerabilities involved in navigating multiple relationships. Without this dual layer of security, partners may become emotionally fragmented, leading to jealousy, misunderstandings, or attachment injuries. By nurturing a secure base and safe haven, individuals are better equipped to handle the emotional and sexual fluidity that comes with consensual non-monogamy, allowing them to explore safely while protecting their primary relationship’s emotional health.…
