When it comes to any type of sexual exploration—whether you’re curious about swinging, cuckolding, BDSM, polyamory, or any other form of consensual non-monogamy—there’s one vital ingredient that often gets overlooked: having a secure base as a couple. Without that solid foundation, all the wild adventures in the bedroom (or outside it) can bring more confusion, resentment, and emotional shutdown than joy and connection. So, let’s dive into why this “secure base” is essential and how to make sure you have one before jumping into anything new.
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ToggleWhat Does Having a Secure Base Really Mean?
First, let’s break it down. When I say “secure base,” I’m talking about a deep sense of trust, understanding, and connection between you and your partner. It’s the kind of bond where you both know, without a shadow of a doubt, that no matter what happens—whether it’s a failed experiment with a third partner or a kink gone wrong—you’ll still have each other’s backs. You’re solid. You’re each other’s ride-or-die.
Having a secure base doesn’t mean you’re a perfect couple with zero issues (who is, right?). It simply means you’ve built a strong enough relationship that can weather the storms. You trust each other fully, you communicate openly, and you’ve laid a foundation of emotional safety. And let me tell you, without this, any new sexual exploration you try will be shaky ground.
The concept of a secure base and safe haven is beautifully discussed in Jessica Fern’s book Polysecure, which is required reading in ENM circles and explores attachment theory with a focus on non-monogamy. Expect a full book report at some point in the future. In her book, Fern explains that a secure base is the foundation from which we feel safe to explore and grow, both in life and within our relationships. In this context, it refers to the emotional connection and stability we share with our partners, giving us the confidence to pursue personal interests or new sexual experiences, knowing we have a secure and supportive partnership to return to. Without this foundational trust, feelings of insecurity or fear may surface, disrupting the relationship’s ability to navigate complex dynamics.
The idea of a safe haven, on the other hand, focuses on the emotional safety a partner provides when we face stress, challenges, or fears. Fern writes, “A safe haven means that when things go wrong, you know your partner will be there for you, offering comfort, reassurance, and love.” This is crucial when engaging in any kind of sexual exploration, whether monogamous or polyamorous. Having a partner who serves as a safe haven ensures that no matter what happens during new experiences, both partners can seek comfort and reconnect emotionally.
Fern emphasizes that in polyamorous or open relationships, maintaining both a secure base and a safe haven is even more critical because of the complexities and potential emotional vulnerabilities involved in navigating multiple relationships. Without this dual layer of security, partners may become emotionally fragmented, leading to jealousy, misunderstandings, or attachment injuries. By nurturing a secure base and safe haven, individuals are better equipped to handle the emotional and sexual fluidity that comes with consensual non-monogamy, allowing them to explore safely while protecting their primary relationship’s emotional health.
A Secure Base
The desire to explore sexually—whether that’s inviting a third person into the bedroom, experimenting with new fetishes, or opening up your relationship—is totally natural. But if you dive into these adventures without a secure emotional foundation, things can get messy, fast.
I’ve seen it happen. Couples rush into polyamory or BDSM play before they’ve really built that solid trust, and soon, feelings of jealousy, resentment, or insecurity crop up. These are feelings that don’t magically go away; they fester. And worse, when they’re not dealt with properly, they can create emotional distance between partners, causing them to shut down or compartmentalize their feelings.
According to a study published in The Journal of Sex Research, couples who have strong, secure attachment styles are better equipped to handle the complexities of consensual non-monogamy. They’re less likely to experience jealousy or feel threatened by a third partner because their bond is unshakeable. On the flip side, couples with insecure attachment styles often struggle with trust issues and communication problems when navigating open relationships or sexual exploration, leading to emotional fallout.
A Safe Haven
Having a safe haven before diving into sexual exploration is crucial because it provides the emotional security needed to navigate new experiences without fear of abandonment, judgment, or disconnection. In any form of sexual exploration—whether it’s consensual non-monogamy, kink, or simply trying something new with your partner—emotions can run high. A safe haven means you have a partner who will be there to support you emotionally, offering comfort and understanding if things don’t go as planned. This safety net allows you to explore freely, knowing that no matter what happens, you can come back to each other with love and reassurance.
Without a safe haven, exploring sexually can leave you feeling vulnerable and exposed. It’s common for unexpected feelings like jealousy, insecurity, or even shame to surface during sexual exploration, and if you don’t have a partner who provides emotional comfort, those feelings can quickly spiral into resentment or emotional shutdown. A safe haven acts as a buffer, creating a space where both partners can openly express their emotions and work through any challenges that arise. This emotional safety encourages deeper connection and mutual growth, even as you step into unfamiliar sexual territories.
Moreover, a safe haven is about trust—knowing that your partner has your back, no matter what. This level of trust is essential when you’re taking risks in your relationship, whether that’s introducing new partners, experimenting with fetishes, or exploring sexual dynamics like cuckolding or polyamory. When you and your partner act as safe havens for each other, you’re reinforcing your bond and ensuring that no matter what external experiences you engage in, the emotional core of your relationship remains intact and resilient.
Risks of Exploring
Let’s talk about what happens when couples dive into sexual exploration without that rock-solid foundation.
- Jealousy: Jealousy is often the first emotion that pops up when a couple isn’t secure in their relationship. It’s normal to feel a little jealous at times, but if your relationship doesn’t have a strong foundation, jealousy can quickly spiral out of control. This isn’t just about seeing your partner with someone else—it can be about fearing that you’re not enough, or that the relationship is threatened by the sexual exploration.
- Resentment: Without a secure base, one partner might go along with sexual exploration because they feel pressured, or because they want to make the other happy. But when their own needs aren’t being met, resentment builds. This can look like emotional withdrawal, passive-aggressive comments, or even outright hostility.
- Emotional Compartmentalization: When there’s no secure base, feelings of fear or insecurity can get pushed aside or compartmentalized. Instead of addressing them, one or both partners may ignore these feelings, hoping they’ll go away. Spoiler alert: they don’t. They just build up over time until they explode in ways that hurt the relationship even more.
- Emotional Shutdown: Worst-case scenario? One or both partners shut down emotionally. When you feel like your partner isn’t emotionally “there” for you, it can create a disconnect that’s hard to repair. This can lead to isolation, where both partners stop confiding in each other, stop supporting each other, and eventually drift apart.
Fun Facts & Statistics
A 2020 study from Psychology Today found that couples who engaged in non-monogamy (CNM/ENM) were more successful when they had a strong emotional connection and trust. The study found that 81% of couples in secure relationships reported higher satisfaction levels and fewer feelings of jealousy when exploring sexually with other partners . Compare that to couples who had unresolved trust or communication issues—only 53% of those couples felt satisfied with their sexual exploration, and a whopping 47% reported increased feelings of jealousy and insecurity.
And it’s not just about sexual satisfaction. A Journal of Marital and Family Therapy study found that couples who prioritize emotional safety and trust are 70% more likely to stay together in the long term, even when navigating complex relationship dynamics like consensual non-monogamy .
Build Your Foundation
So how do you build that secure base before you dive into anything new? It’s all about communication, trust, and mutual respect. Here are some tips to help you get there:
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate: I can’t stress this enough. You have to talk openly about your feelings, needs, and boundaries. This is the foundation of your secure base. It’s not just about communicating what you want to do sexually—it’s also about discussing your fears, insecurities, and concerns. You need to have those hard conversations about what feels safe and what doesn’t.
Reassure Each Other: Sexual exploration can be thrilling, but it can also bring up a lot of insecurities. Make sure you’re reassuring your partner every step of the way. Remind them that, no matter what, they are your primary partner, and nothing will change that. According to research from The Gottman Institute, couples who regularly offer verbal reassurance are 67% more likely to maintain emotional intimacy during times of stress .
Set Clear Boundaries: Boundaries are a form of protection for both of you. Whether it’s deciding how often you’ll check in with each other during sexual play or agreeing on specific limits (like “no kissing” or “we don’t stay overnight with others”), having clear boundaries is crucial for maintaining emotional safety. And remember: boundaries aren’t set in stone. They can be revisited and adjusted as your relationship evolves.
Rebuild Trust Regularly: Even in the best relationships, trust needs to be maintained. Take time regularly to check in with each other about how things are going—both in your relationship and your sexual explorations. A study published in The Journal of Family Psychology found that couples who actively work on rebuilding trust are 78% more likely to experience long-term success, even after moments of doubt or insecurity.
Secure Base Doesn’t Mean Monogamy
Now, just because I’m preaching the importance of a secure base doesn’t mean you have to be monogamous. A secure base can look like whatever you and your partner(s) decide it should. Maybe your secure base includes a throuple, a quad, or even a larger polyamorous network. The key is that within that structure, everyone feels secure, safe, and supported.
If you’re in a non-monogamous relationship, the secure base might be more about open communication and mutual respect among all partners. Or maybe it’s about ensuring that your primary relationship is rock solid before inviting other people into the mix.
Build That Foundation
Let’s say you’re reading this and thinking, “Oh no Emma, we don’t have that secure base yet!” That’s okay. The important thing is recognizing it. There’s no rush to dive into anything sexual if you’re not ready. In fact, I’d argue it’s more important to take a step back and focus on building that emotional connection first.
Start by having an open conversation with your partner. Talk about your feelings, your fears, and what a secure base looks like for both of you. You might even want to see a sex therapist or a relationship coach to help guide the conversation. Remember, building trust takes time. But trust me, it’s so worth it.
Whether you’re interested in cuckolding, chastity, pegging, polyamory, swinging, or just spicing things up in the bedroom, the foundation is essential. It’s the glue that holds your relationship together, even as you explore new dynamics. Without it, you risk feeling lost, disconnected, resentful or one of you feeling left behind emotionally. But with security the possibilities for sexual and emotional exploration are endless.
So take your time. Build that trust. Communicate openly and often. And remember, at the end of the day, it’s you and your partner against the world.
The absolute best advice!