Let’s talk about ladders. Not the kind you buy at Home Depot or use to clean your gutters, but the ones in our minds—the ones that shape how we rank, prioritize our relationships. I know that sounds mechanical at first, but hang with me. We do prioritize things and people in our lives. We have favorite foods, favorite movies, favorite tv shows and of course favorite people.
If you're in a relationship with a modern marriage dynamic like mine, you’ve probably already noticed that your connection with your husband doesn’t sit on the same rung as your connection with your boyfriend. And that’s not a bad thing—it’s natural, expected even. But what’s less often explored is how these roles split into two distinct ladders: the emotional ladder and the sexual ladder.
With emotional connection comes safety—the deep, grounding reassurance that we are loved, seen, and accepted. It's the warm blanket of trust that allows us to truly open up. And with sexual connection comes play—the spark, the thrill, the space where we flirt, explore, and rediscover ourselves and each other. In many traditional marriages, both emotional and sexual intimacy are nurtured within the same relationship, creating a powerful fusion of safety and play.
In modern marriage dynamics, these connections can come from two distinctly different people—one partner offering emotional depth and stability, while another brings sexual excitement and exploration. Neither approach is wrong; both acknowledge the simple truth that we thrive when we feel safe and alive. Whether it's one partner or two, it's this dance between emotional security and erotic freedom that keeps a relationship rich, evolving, and deeply satisfying.
If you’ve been around relationship psychology of any kind, you might have heard of Ladder Theory. In its original form, it’s a bit simplistic and maybe even reductive. It suggests that men see women on one ladder—based largely on attractiveness and sexual availability—while women see men on two ladders: one for friendship and one for romance/sex.
But I want to remix the female side of that and apply it to modern, more nuanced relationships, especially those involving balancing relationships with multiple partners. The emotional ladder and sexual ladder don’t just exist in general—they exist separately for each partner you have.…
