What do you think of when you masturbate? Sometimes I fantasize about an elaborate romantic fantasy usually in black and white like an old movie. Sometimes I imagine an intimate encounter with someone I recognize, sometimes with a past lover and other times with a complete stranger. When I’m short on time or especially determined to get there, I’ll just focus on the pleasure and let my Hitachi Magic Wand take me away to another place. How about you?

According to this pair of articles on bustle.com it turns out that Men and Women have generally similar fantasies.

Top 5 Male Masturbation Fantasies

  1. A sexual situation involving their current partner.
  2. A sexual situation with a previous partner.
  3. Erotica seen online or via a mobile device.
  4. A sexual situation involving role play.
  5. A sexual situation involving BDSM.

Top 5 Female Masturbation Fantasies

  1. A sexual situation involving their current partner.
  2. A sexual situation with a previous partner.
  3. Erotica seen online or via a mobile device.
  4. A sexual situation involving BDSM.
  5. A sexual situation involving role play.

Number one seems incredibly healthy on both lists. Thinking about a sexual fantasy with your current partner. Absolutely! Think of the hottest time that you had sex or perhaps hotel sex during a vacation. I encourage you to share this with your partner! Share the details of your experience and the specific fantasy. Try and remember in the greatest amount of detail that you can. I keep thinking of the time that Kevin and I stayed in a local hotel and lounged around all day doing absolutely nothing. Nowhere to go, nothing to do. Just a simple getaway and opportunity to reconnect. All I can remember is both of us eating room service on the bed and the way his chest looked under the soft light of the sheer drapes.

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How about number two, a sexual situation with a previous partner. Are you comfortable enough in your relationship to admit these fantasies to each other? Would you or your partner find this sexy or hurtful? If you find it hurtful, stop and analyze why it made you feel that way. Did you get jealous? Did her description of the previous partner make you feel insecure about yourself? Stop for a moment and focus on the specifics that made you feel uncomfortable. Would you consider sharing this experience in detail so your partner can enjoy the memory with you? Many couples feel a level of guilt when they find their mind drifting to a past partner but I suggest that you embrace it and share with each other. If the story causes feelings to come up, share those feelings and communicate together.

Let’s jump back to number three, PORN. I was surprised that porn wasn’t number one, especially on the male list since you guys are so visually motivated. Maybe it is sexist but when I think of men and their primarily visual stimulation it came as a surprise to see fantasy in the number one and two spots for the boys. So the rest of this blog is going to focus on visual stimulation and porn. Hooray for porn.

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I don’t think that porn is inherently unhealthy. In fact, I think porn is exciting to make and exciting to watch together. What I do think is that porn makes our minds lazy and desensitizes us to our own fantasies. Within a two minute span you can go from something incredibly sensual and erotic to a midget gangbang orgy. While I don’t find either of those offensive (midgets deserve gangbang orgies too), it illustrates how quickly our fantasies can run away from us. In fact, a rabbit hole of porn addiction can push you into deeper fantasies and even create fetishes and fantasies based on our body’s very own reward system.

Do you find that you have difficulty reaching orgasm without watching porn? That might be because porn has the ability to short circuit your brain as an easier way to get the hormonal dopamine rush associated with arousal. It seems like a huge leap to go from our erotic fantasy to the midget scenario above, few of us would start at the more graphic option but many of us gravitate to that point as our minds require more intense and graphic stimulation to get the same dopamine release.

I went through a period of about a year when I was single and all of my masturbation was accompanied by porn. When I tried having sex with a partner during that time, I found sex to feel good but it didn’t give me the mental stimulation that I needed to get off. That is because I trained my brain to only orgasm when I was lying on my back with my legs spread wide, vibrator in my left hand and my phone in my right hand. If that wasn’t the exact scene, my mind wouldn’t unlock the big O for me. I was going through some things, I had a level of loneliness and I was using porn and masturbation as an escape. I was using porn as a stimuli instead of allowing myself to actually be present in the moment and feel the situation.

I orgasm from sex now and it comes quite naturally and relatively easily unless my mind is distracted. So how did I rewire my mind to unlock the big O during intimate experiences with other people? I did not decrease my masturbation frequency but I did set the porn down and start using my imagination to get by body aroused. This is infinitely harder since my body was conditioned to only release an orgasm under a certain set of circumstances. More than a few of my masturbation attempts were met with disappointment because my mind couldn’t muster up the erotic fantasies needed to get my body aroused.

This makes me sound like some sort of a hero that came up with a revolutionary idea but that isn’t the case. I got involved with the NoFap movement and read everything I could about this group. There is a forum and also a large community on reddit of people just like you and I who inadvertently rewire our brains to require porn for masturbation. Much of the insight that led me to male orgasm control came from this group. The group itself is almost completely male which was curious to me as well. Although I gravitated away to other places such as YogaGirl’s now defunct FLR101 blog, the roots of my interest in masturbation and orgasm modification came from the problems that I initially had along with the solution that I used to get things under control.

Although they are sometimes portrayed to be, masturbation and porn addiction are not inherently male problems. Females enjoy porn just as much as men although we tend to gravitate to different styles of porn. I personally like slower porn that is more erotic and sensual while the guys like porn that is faster and to the point. We do enjoy watching porn together or having it playing in the background during activities that we may partake in together as consenting adults. I particularly enjoy the sounds when they are realistic.

Isn’t masturbation bad, shouldn’t I just stop masturbating? If you stop masturbating, you simply pause stimulation and you don’t retrain your brain. If you have a dog that you tell to sit and give a treat each time she successfully sits then you are training your dog and providing a treat for each successful attempt. If you stop telling your dog to sit, she will eventually need your help to relearn the act of sitting. This isn’t to say that you will forget how to masturbate but it does mean that you will need to re-learn to masturbate and it will be more difficult for the first couple attempts. Of course masturbation will need to pause if you and your partner have made an agreement about masturbation or if you are locked up.

Cut to the chaste did a blog about excessive masturbation that you might find interesting as well. In the blog that I linked below, they go over the hormonal changes that occur when a man ejaculates and how chastity can help curb the masturbation cycle.

https://cuttothechaste.net/breaking-the-cycle-of-excessive-masturbation/

Porn is culprit to a large amount of male sexual dysfunctions as well. Have you ever been with a guy who has trouble getting an erection? Perhaps he cums too soon. How about a guy who doesn’t cum at all? All of these conditions can be caused or further complicated by excessive masturbation. If he can’t get hard, his body may have a conditioned reflex to porn. He might need a porn detox to help separate the porn from the orgasm. Same with the minute men who focus on orgasm and not whole body sensuality. Slowing down and cutting the porn will help them focus on the intimate experience and remove the focus from repetitive stimulation. How about those guys who can’t cum from sex at all? This sounds the most like my problem and the solution is the same. Stop conditioning your body to cum with porn and focus on pleasure and fantasies to get you over the edge. You can even help train him to ejaculate using positive reinforcement and pavlovian training techniques like my dog example.

So coming back to the beginning of this blog. The most common masturbation fantasies are sexual situations about current and former partners. Embrace those and share them openly with your partner be open participants in each other’s sexuality. When you masturbate, pick favorite fantasies that take you over the edge and use those to help free your mind from any grasps that porn may have on you. Don’t stop masturbating, be as varied in your positions and fantasies as possible so you can get off in different positions and using different emotional stimulation. I encourage you to use porn for arousal but shut it off when it comes time to rub one off or stroke one out.

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