I’ve just been thinking and researching some things about human sexuality and felt the need to put some thoughts down. Both men and women are wired to be monogamous but in some sort of angry paradox of nature we are both also wired to be promiscuous.
It seems that we either go into a relationship with the intention of potential short term sex or long term coupling. So why do we select the short term hookup culture instead of longer term relationships. I guess that goes to show why Tinder and Match.com are completely different apps and business models.
When relationships are new, the body secretes large amounts of dopamine and dopamine is closely associated with sexual arousal. Studies have found that women crave that dopamine arousal more than men because women have less consistent levels of sexual arousal. Dopamine levels in a relationship decrease over time until they are virtually nonexistent about two years into a relationship. The newness wears off.
Female infidelity frequently starts with a confidant that develops over time. As she feels an emotional connection, she may open up to the possibilities of a physical connection.
Male infidelity can start the same way but is more opportunistic. If a man finds an opportunity for sex, and validation of his male psyche he will frequently take it regardless of whether an emotional bond has been built.
There are really no rules when it comes to infidelity however. There is no denying that sometimes a connection or spark appears and creates an immediate sense of euphoria which can lead to anything.
To keep his dopamine flowing, push his boundaries. Keep his body wondering, yearning and slightly uncomfortable. If you want to keep things new and exciting, pushing your sexual boundaries and trying new things will keep that dopamine level high. For men, this is typically related to new physical experiences such as fulfilling new fantasies and developing new kinks to fuel the dopamine. For women, physical experiences do fuel dopamine response but it is much more indirect than men. For women, we take a must less direct route to the dopamine response. We desire new emotional experiences such as flirting, romance novels and is far more complicated than men.
Stimulate Your Mind
I find that innocent flirting boosts my libido and gives me that newness feeling. I enjoy a night out with the girls and flirting with random guys and girls to give me those butterflies that have all but subsided in my relationship. This of course is no reflection on Kev but a purely physical response that subsides with time. It seems that kinks develop over time and older men and women are more prone to having specific kinks that fuel their dopamine response.
Swinging and Hotwives
Let’s take a closer look at the swinger, hotwife, cuckold relationship fantasies that both genders seem to enjoy. These relationship types of activities are like throwing gas on the dopamine fire for both genders. When a woman experiences a new emotional experience with another person, the dopamine response comes back in an enormous way. When this type of relationship can be experienced and feelings of guilt do not need to be suppressed, she can truly become addicted. Women lose contact with their sexuality when they are in long term relationships and new experiences bring that sexual confidence back. If she feels secure in her relationship or marriage an experience like this can be tremendously liberating and exciting. Men are no different although their dopamine response is stronger with the physical aspect than the emotional aspect.
For our relationship, pegging does a wonderful job of fulfilling both of our dopamine needs. For me, pegging is generally a psychological experience. I don’t typically enjoy vibrators in the harness and the pleasure that I receive is purely emotional. Being in control makes me feel confident, dominant and is very exciting. For him, the physical aspect of being controlled and dominated excites all of his senses.
One may look at the world through traditional eyes and see things very black and white. Traditional monogamy implies that you are either with someone or you aren’t. Our culture ranks desirability of women in particular based upon the number of sexual partners that they’ve had. The likelihood of finding long term love for promiscuous or formerly promiscuous women is much lower than women who limit their sexual partners due to stereotypes and reputational concerns. Although interestingly enough if you eventually do want monogamy, a large percentage of men would prefer a partner who’s had a lot of sexual experience, as long as they have some assurance that you won’t be unfaithful to them.
All in all, your life is what you make of it. I beg you to communicate openly with your partner and life your life to its fullest. If you have a toe fetish or a stuffed giraffe fetish, by all means enjoy your life. If you know that your fetish has the potential to hurt someone, seek help and work with a professional to redirect that sexual energy. The conclusion here really boils down to communication. Keep those lines of communication open with your partner and with yourself to ensure that your needs are consistently met. Don’t forget to stop and smell the roses along the way.