This article was written by a guest contributor named MagicalMolly after seeing my ping pong blog. She said that she had a story to tell me that might help me sort things out. After emailing back and forth for a few days, I was able to shove it all together for your reading pleasure. Yet another guest contribution, I may not ever have to write anything again (kidding). Enjoy and make sure you let Molly know what you thought! Thanks Molly!
My marriage had a big gaping home where passion used to be. Passion for me is a wonderful and essential part of a happy marriage. After twelve years and two wonderful children, the passion was mostly gone. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is an incredible father to our children and a wonderful husband to me. He buys me flowers, he surprises me with regular dates and he is everything that I ever wanted from a husband. He is the picture of marital perfection. Further, he is passionate and we have a wonderful sex life but something is missing.
Feeling bored and mundane in a relationship is normal and certainly not a sign that your partner isn’t right for you. Love is a wonderful emotion and it has the potential to build amazing bonds and tear other bonds apart. Most married women will either have an affair or simply deal with the passionless marriage as the normal result of a twelve year relationship. Biologically it is nearly impossible to keep the same feelings present all the way through a twelve or twenty year relationship.
Emotions change, we grow together and we grow apart. Then we grow back together once again. As our lives become intertwined in the most complicated of ways, we transition from lustful lovers to life partners. Love has a series of ups and downs and the absolute pinnacle of those ups and downs is to find someone who you want to spend your life with. I am convinced that with my husband, I have absolutely won the game of life.
So what about the passion, is that simply destined to go away? When we find love, marriage and a life partner does that need to be at the expense of passion? I don’t think so!
My marriage is wonderful, my husband is amazing. Nothing is lacking aside from that fire of feeling alive. I would never cheat on my husband, I would never hurt him in such a way. My husband is my everything and hurting him would cause an agonizing emotional toll on me as well.
I approached my husband about the lack of passion. He reminded me of everything that he does to keep the fire alive. He does everything for me, he is by no definition boring. I wasn’t able to pinpoint what it was and weren’t able to come to terms with it. Our sex life is far from boring, we have sex two or three times a week and I genuinely enjoy our intimate time together.
I determined that the missing piece for me was a chemical. Something that couldn’t be fixed by my husband. I wanted to obsess about someone, I wanted to feel my heart racing, get sweaty palms and fantasize about the things we would do together. I talked through this with my husband and he calmly said that it sounds like I need an affair. I got defensive and scolded him, saying that I would never do that to him. Infidelity was always ingrained in my mind as the ultimate betrayal and something that no relationship can or should survive.
He responded by telling me that I meant the world to him and that he knew he would never lose me. If I needed to have an affair, he wanted to give that to me. Being a person prone to jealousy, I immediately assumed that he was trying to use this as an opportunity for him to see other women. An opportunity to become swingers or have an open relationship. He calmly put his hand on my arm and said that he only wanted me to be happy and didn’t want me to read into it too much.
My husband suggested that we go on a vacation to help clear our heads. I thought about a vacation which seemed interesting at first glance. Make a list of things to pack, plan some activities, take time off work, make arrangements for the pets and finally coordinate our schedules so we can spend time together in a different place. This assumes that we don’t involve the (now grown) kids which would add yet another layer. I realized that it was impossible for me to let go completely. A break with the family was really just a change of scenery. We would have many of the same conversations about work, money, projects around the house, goals and the same menial topics that wouldn’t ever let me truly escape.
I did some separate thinking and research about what I wanted. About what was missing and I finally approached him and said that I was interested in his idea about an affair. I could tell that he was surprised but I went on and explained that I wanted to feel the feelings that we would have when sending naughty texts back and forth. I wanted to have that flirty fun that felt naughty and wrong and dirty. Doing things with my husband, even when we do kinky things seems somehow acceptable and normal since it is in our bedroom and in our household.
We agreed to talk more about it and keep the dialog open. We also agreed to talk openly about our feelings and pull the plug on the entire idea if it ever started to create a rift between us. My husband created a tinder profile for me and we started going through potential matches together. Swiping left, right, left. I am very specific with the attributes that I find attractive so there were far more left swipes than right.
I chatted with a few of the guys that I met but it seemed they were mostly sleazy and I really had no desire to be buried in dick pics or the endless braggadocios claims about size and stamina. There is nothing more undesirable to me than a guy who is arrogant and cocky especially in a sexual context.
Finally I started chatting with a guy who seemed genuinely nice and lived just a short distance from us. I shared the conversations with my husband who agreed that the guy sounded like a genuinely nice person. I talked to him a few times a day for nearly week before I decided to meet him at a nearby coffee shop for a quick chat. I arrived and he was already seated with a coffee in hand and one that was clearly for me. He didn’t know what I wanted but I appreciated that he simply ordered something and gave it to me. My husband would never do this, he would patiently relay my complex order about the fine details of my coffee preference.
This was simple. It was just black coffee with some cream and sugar beside it. Steve said that he would get me something else if I wanted but figured that he would just grab something while the line was short. It seemed so thoughtful yet assertive. I liked it. Simple. That’s what I was missing. Things used to be so simple until they became complicated. He wanted me, I wanted him. The rules were few. It was very simple.
We hit it off and I explained my whole situation including my husband whom I found myself constantly coming back to. Going on and on about your husband probably is not the best idea for date conversation. Steve didn’t seem to mind, he said that he is fine just being friends and seeing where that goes. That put me at ease, I certainly didn’t want a pushy guy when I was already incredibly uncomfortable with the entire situation. Steve didn’t seem to have any drama in his life, his wife had passed away due to cancer and he had no children.
I enjoyed the conversation, I felt at ease and I found him quite attractive. When I left, he went in for a hug and I surprised even myself by giving him a peck on the cheek. I felt some butterflies in my tummy and it was a feeling that I barely recognized. It made me smile.
I hurried home and my husband asked how it went. We sat on the bed and I was surprised that he wanted a full download of the date. I told him the details that I remembered and even mentioned the peck on the cheek expecting to see signs of jealousy. I didn’t see any indication that he was jealous so I asked him how it made him feel. He responded and said that he can’t remember seeing my face and smile beaming like this in a long time. If this is what it takes for me to feel happy, he was on board. His reassurance calmed me and reminded me that I wasn’t sabotaging anything. If either of us wanted to end this, we could do so.
Steve and I had a few more dates. The next date ended with a full kiss and every time I would come straight home and tell my husband all of the juicy details. Each time, partially expecting him to be jealous or angry in response. Each time he was excited and supportive of me. I was sure to tell him that I loved him and appreciated his support and I would remind him each time that he is my one and only, my soul mate. Since we had been on a few more dates, I asked my husband how he would feel if the relationship got got more physical. He responded that he would support whatever the next steps might be. I mean who is this amazing man and how did I luck out to land him as a husband? I keep asking myself if this is for real.
During the three or four weeks of seeing Steve, the sex life and passion between my husband and I was on fire. I felt like my batteries had been recharged and I had never been so alive. We had the spark together and I appreciated him more than ever.
The next date with Steve was at his place. I knew that we might be going further so I wore some cute panties and shaved my legs in anticipation but I wasn’t sure if I would have the guts to take things any further. I got to his place, we started talking and the conversation clicked immediately like it always seemed to. One thing led to another and we both ended up making out and performing oral on each other. It was nice. I thoroughly enjoyed it and the smile on my face matched the smile in my heart.
I arrived home and was terrified to tell my husband. I pulled into the driveway and sat there for a moment, debating on whether to lie. I went inside and I was terrified. My husband saw the blank expression on my face and asked what the problem was. I proceeded to tell him that things had gone farther and explained that I was nervous about telling him. My supportive husband wrapped his arms around me, chuckling and told me that he wasn’t upset in the slightest. He motioned to sit down on the couch to discuss. We started talking and I glossed right over the sexual bits but he slowed me down and wanted to hear every juicy detail. He was asking for details that I’d never even tell one of my girlfriends. He even wanted to know details about Steve’s penis and how Steve was at oral sex. I could tell that my sexual excitement was contagious and we were both getting very turned on talking about it. We didn’t even make it into the bedroom, we just leaned over into one another and passionately made love on the couch.
I was excited, confused and more turned on that I had ever been. We spoke about it again in a less sexual setting and I told my husband that I enjoyed the feelings that I felt when I was with Steve. I clarified that these were not feelings of love but feelings of excitement and passion. I also told him that I was confused as to why he wanted to know so many details about the specific experiences. He told me that he wanted to know every detail because he could see the joy on my face when I described it to him. My husband wanted to see me smile, wanted to see me glow as I described this man going down on me. This is a unique type of love that truly made me feel special.
A few weeks later, Steve asked me to go on a weekend trip with him to the local winery. I was excited but I didn’t know what to say. I told him that I appreciated the offer but politely declined. On the way home, I was beating myself up because I really wanted to go. I really needed an escape for a weekend. I told my husband and he agreed that I should reconsider the offer. I called Steve and told him that I had changed my mind.
Over that weekend, we had conversations which allowed us to get to know each other. I still checked in with my husband from time to time and told him that I was doing well, having fun and filled him in on some of our adventure. I felt like I was able to mentally escape my life and all of the daunting tasks about it. The weekend getaway was truly relaxing and helped me understand my husband and the essential role that he played in my life. It also helped me understand Steve and the important role that he played in my life.
My husband’s role is permanent and he is my companion, my rock. Steve’s role is wonderful but very different than the role of my husband. I would say that I share a different part of me with Steve. I share who I want to be rather than who I actually am. He is a mental and emotional distraction that allows me to distance myself from my own world and step into a different one.
Weekends with Steve are no reflection on any failings of my husband. He is still the best man I could have possibly married and the same guy I would marry if I had it to do all over again. We both agree that having a boyfriend allows me to be a better wife, a better mother to my kids and helps me keep my sanity during the ups and downs of life. My husband continues to be my biggest supporter and my partner in life. On more than one occasion, he has seen me stressed and has suggested a weekend with Steve to take my mind off things. The first few times it happened, I thought he was trying to push my buttons but I eventually realized that he realizes that my breaks give me calm. I return a happily rested woman that is ready to hit every day as the best version of me.
i feel so famous now. let me know if you have any questions.
Hello Molly,
No particular questions, just a thank you for sharing your experience.
It seems that you have found a good gambling partner, which I think is the most difficult thing if this kind of relationship is to last.
For our part, we “roamed” quite a bit before meeting a friend who was able to give us what we were looking for without expecting more.
Ms. MagicMolly I hit the hyperlink that appeared in the intro by Ms. Emma, which took me to a new site with nothing there. I’m glad you came up on this blog. You my lady are ABSOLUTELY OUTSTANDING. The story that yourself and Ms. Emma imparted is the perfect example of what my QUEEN’S life is fast becoming. I have helped, pushed and provided information to her in the hopes that it would lead to the same steps your story detailed. Perfect timing as she recently met up with a gentleman that is exactly as the one you describe in your writing. Plus your detail of the emotions and feelings as you moved deeper into the relationship with Steve are the same as she is currently experiencing. I can’t begin to thank you enough and as I stated to Ms. Emma if you were local I would willingly and gladly kneel before you and beg you with enthusiasm to continue providing this type of information. It helps both males and females to find their way through the puzzle of life.
Thanks Molly.
And Emma the reversed distracted boyfriend meme made me laugh out loud. How do you think of these things?
Hi Molly,
I enjoyed reading your post. Thanks for sharing. I am married and at times think about being with another woman.
I am curious about something. Would it be OK with you if your husband searched for and found a girlfriend?
Mark
I think the male desire to be with another woman is selfish and could turn to an emotional connection outside the relationship. I would not permit him to search for and find a girlfriend. Does this sound like a double standard? Yes I am sure it does. I was never able to make sense of this until I read Emma’s blog about fairness. In typical Emma form, it resonated with me and I was now able to put it into words.
Thanks for your blog post, MagicalMolly. Strangely enough, I agree with this double standard. I think women are more emotionally capable of separating the intimate relationship of marriage and the companionship of a “friend with benefits.”
That said, I read your story a couple of times and there is an aspect that touches on my fears about cuckolding. For me, cuckolding is just a fantasy and my wife has never acted on it. Although I find it hot, the fantasy is more than just the sexy images of what is happening in the bedroom; it’s about a genuine desire for my wife to experience pleasure and happiness in every way. She had had more sexual partners than I had when we got together. Part of me thinks that it would still take more than just me to fully satisfy her.
But my deepest fear is the possibility of real love and intimacy that is exclusive to the wife and boyfriend. I can understand the dates that you and your boyfriend have, but the story about the weekend away seems to cross over into love that resembles marital love. These sorts of getaways are at the core of our marriage and we use them to strengthen our pair bond and attend to the relationship as a whole. Do you see the getaways as a different level? Did your husband have more difficulty with them, compared to dates?
@midlife_marty
“But my deepest fear is the possibility of real love and intimacy that is exclusive to the wife and boyfriend. I can understand the dates that you and your boyfriend have, but the story about the weekend away seems to cross over into love that resembles marital love. These sorts of getaways are at the core of our marriage and we use them to strengthen our pair bond and attend to the relationship as a whole. Do you see the getaways as a different level? Did your husband have more difficulty with them, compared to dates?”
This is my fear as well. Holy shit, all of this is a really amazing mindfuck, isn’t it?
It really isn’t a concern. Our getaways are primarily physical and I would never look for husband traits in a boyfriend. I see my husband as my rock. A highly intelligent man that I share an incredible emotional bond with.
A boyfriend fills a physical need and an emotional need of feeling desired. If I didn’t consider my purposes, the intimacy could get confusing indeed.
Am I looking for deep conversations over wine on a moonlit evening or am I looking for flirty conversation, dancing, steamy passionate sex that leaves me gasping and quivering?
Hopefully that makes sense.
I reply to this wanting to be very careful not to come off as a pain-in-the-ass type that is looking for a gotcha comment or some other reason to call bullshit. That would be disrespectful, so please know that I am not looking to be that, or be perceived as that. In order for me to process this in my mind, and as part of the necessary effective and meaningful conversation about it between partners, it needs to make sense first, then when the truths are understood, those truths must genuinely be acceptable to the other party … the husband/boyfriend.
The reasons for the desire to pursue a boyfriend for a married woman are understandable and real. The newness. The butterflies of a budding intimate relationship and where it might naturally lead. A great deal of emphasis is placed on nearly constant reassurance that her love for her husband is unwavering, that he is her rock and that she has no interest in replacing him. The need to replace passion lost is inherent and the development of a new passion with another lover is a logical way to replace that lost passion. I completely understand that. In that my desire in service to my wife is based on proving or helping to provide the joys, passion and pleasure in her life that she seeks, naturally I am receptive to her desire to pursue another lover in order to replace that passion, excitement, etc. I’m also a man very much in love with my Wife, while also being a human being uniquely subject to my emotional feelings. One of those emotions of course is fear of the unknown.
Logically that fear (jealousy) rears its ugly head wen witnessing the progression of a intimate relationship she seeks, finds and revels in the joy associated it with it, as it grows. Because it does indeed grows. In these past few weeks of being immersed in this topic on this amazing forum, the real, emotionally fueled fear for me, substantiated or not, is the desire for and need for progression of the new relationship that the love of my life is marinating in. Once the “missing chemical piece” for her is discovered, the ball is rolling. The very words in your amazing blog post outline the progression of the very feelings you are developing for this new lover in a way that beg a natural question(s). Where does that progression stop? As feelings develop and deepen for this man, can they be stopped? What started as an innocent first date over coffee, a sheepish and adorable peck on the cheek, the full full kiss goodnight, the making out with earnest, and
“One thing led to another and we both ended up making out and performing oral on each other. It was nice. I thoroughly enjoyed it and the smile on my face matched the smile in my heart.”
Each of those being an example of how the sexual tension between her and the new lover would naturally progress. Very exciting indeed. Clearly from there, more intimate and explicit sex was involved, again as intended and as desired. Given the newness, the excitement and the butterflies, I’m sure it was an amazing experience for both of you.
Then comes the next logical development in the budding, intimate relationship …. the weekend(s) spent with Steve. @midlife_marty said this and I believe that on some level, it applies to every husband whose wife had another lover:
“But my deepest fear is the possibility of real love and intimacy that is exclusive to the wife and boyfriend. I can understand the dates that you and your boyfriend have, but the story about the weekend away seems to cross over into love that resembles marital love.”
I have to admit, when I got that part of your story my heart sank and began to clog my throat. Again, it was completely based on my imagining what that would be like if your story was that of my Wife and I. I know in that moment I would struggle immensely with wondering where does this lead? Where does it stop? What are the lovers true feelings for my wife? After all, he’s merely a human being too and surely he is is subject to feelings that might develop that would outside the scope of what you, your husband and he initially intended. Let’s be honest, being with a beautiful woman in an intimate emotional and sexual way, who is wallowing in the all of the joys of newness, freedom and excitement that the situation offers, would be a powerful attractant for any man.
All of the genuine and meaningful assurances of lack of failings on the husbands part, him being her rock and constant shoring up of the ‘this changes nothing in our marriage’ aspect notwithstanding, the question of where the sacred line is and if gets crossed is renewed and updated with each new, exciting stage of a clearly exciting and intimate relationship. And what happens if that sacred line does get crossed regardless of unintentional it may seem or be? I’ve said it before … it’s an incredible mind fuck to be balance on that razor thin edge of excitement and fear. The reality of it being that with time, there will always be a growing chance that something careless or unintentional will happen that could cause that razor thin edge to cut so deep that a nasty wound could development that at the very least would leave a painful scar. At worst, that same razor thin edge could sever something completely in half.
All that said (whew, my mind is racing), in my life and in my amazing relationship with my beautiful Goddess Queen and keyholder, I know in the bottom of my heart that if she really wanted to experience the passion and excitement of a new lover, that I would do whatever I could to help her realize that passion and joy, in whatever form that looked like because in the end, I truly do exist for her pleasure, her service and her joy, from which I get my pleasure and joy. Wow, what a mind fuck!
Molly, I hope you are able to take this in the spirit in which it is intended. I think the woman I have gotten to know here (Emma of course, MsTara and Ruined-Julie) thus far, and now you, are all amazing and intelligent women that are leaders and that participate in the husband’s lives with their best interests at heart and with genuine love and compassion for the primary roles they play in your lives. I admire and respect each of you immensely and consider myself extremely fortunate to have come across this site, and marvelous people that participate in it. Thank you so much
Best always,
subhubphx
Do you feel that a female/female relationship outside of your partner would have a similar results as a male/female relationship?
That’s an interesting question. From my perspective, I would think it might incite less jealousy and that might be less of a struggle for the couple to overcome. Otherwise it might be similar. I’m interested to hear Molly’s take on it.
With out direct experience I can’t be sure of anything. But I see there being less physical jealousy (i.e. penis or performance envy), with a female partner a man knows what he has that the other partner does not.In a less committed and emotionally secure relationship I could see there being more of an emotional jealousy. A few of the lesbian couples that I know liked to joke about only dating for a few weeks before moving in, and that was years ago for them.
But with that I also see there as more room for full group play if everyone was open to it. You mentioned Kev and Andrew not being interested in that. From my perspective it could be something of a power struggle for them, if one were to preform on the other it might establish a hierarchy they (or even you?) might not like afterwards. Not with the level of relationship strength, you and Kev are obviously very bonded, just in the bedroom.
As a male with bisexual and submissive tendencies this is something I have had to consider with my own fantasies. In my mind I am okay the power shift of serving both other parties. However no plan survives first contact (with the enemy is the end of the quote, but that part did not seem fitting) so I guess I do not really know.
Again no hard facts, just speculation based off the information I have gathered here. Additional info or rebuttals are appreciated.
I agree, it would incite less jealousy and would be less of a struggle. Of course in the end, it would be only what Ms. K wanted that would matter, but I’m hopeful that what she may indeed wish it to be another woman because her previous immediate relationship when we got together was a relationship (lived together) of several years with another woman. Much like when she and I started our D/s relationship, it was vitally important that our potential new lifestyle would become a reality if it was what she wanted, whatever, if anything might happen with another person would have to be something she wants to have happen. In the absence of her genuine desire to be a part it would only mean that she would be doing it because I wanted to, and that she would never actually be able to experience the joy in her life that our current relationship gives us both. Perhaps her reading this amazing story from Molly could inspire her to think in that direction.
If it works for you and your husband and your husband is not hurt and upset by it, then great. Or maybe he pledged that he will be submissive to you and it does not matter how he feels. I am not going to be judgmental of someone else’s marriage. But if my wife searched for a boyfriend and started dating, then I would file for divorce. But that is just me.
In my earlier post I said I have thought about finding a girlfriend. Yes, that is true, but I have never gone through with it and even if I did search, I doubt I would find what I am looking for. I fantasize about having rough kinky D/s sex with a dominant woman. This is something I will never get with my wife. My wife would never accept me finding a friend with benefits. She would divorce me if I did that and she found out about it.
“Or maybe he pledged that he will be submissive to you and it does not matter how he feels.”
I don’t believe that a commitment to a man’s wife necessarily means that she doesn’t care how he feels. In fact that the opposite is true in most cases of a committed, loving D/s marriage.
In the many recent conversations on this site regarding poly-friends and non-monogamy, somehow I failed to come across this particular blog Emma has graced us with. It’s incredible! I must say that it resonates with me and would be helpful in a potential journey that my Wife might want to have herself one day. The articulate writing and meaningful information gives me comfort that helps to quell my natural anxiety about how I might feel if my Wife and i were in the same situation.
Thank you Emma for sharing this and thank you @MagicalMolly for your amazing story. The amazing women here are, well, amazing, and I appreciate being able to hang out with y’all. Thank you to all of you.
Glad you liked it. It is scary to think that your wife needs a break from her reality and from you but she does. Not because of any fault of yours. She simply needs to let her hair down and pretend to be someone else for an evening. The sooner that you can come to terms with the fact that it isn’t you and is nothing that you’ve done wrong, the easier it will be to add this wonderful boost to your life. Let me know if I can help.
I’ll let you know that you have already helped immensely, for which I am grateful. Thank you.
I do fully grasp and understand that my wife could benefit from a break in her reality, and the ability to pretend to be someone else. Truly I do.
It’s the “… for an evening.” part that allows me to want this for her if it something that she wants. For an evening is different though, than a ongoing recurring intimate relationship with a particular person for whom she would have all of those tingly feelings for. I blathered on and on about all of the fear association with something more than just an evening in your other comment, so I won’t bore with it again here. For an evening is an amazing, anonymous sexual act with different another-person from time to time that is easy get behind.
When it comes to “not my fault”, I’m the kind of person that places very importance on placing fault, unless that fault is intended to purposely hurt someone. In my everyday life, when I am not my wife’s submissive, I am Alpha in every aspect. Own my business, have 85 people working for me that I assume ultimate responsibility for in the ability to provide for their families. As a leader, I’ve learned that finding blame is only mildly important when a problem is present that needs solving now. Again, assuming there was no malice associated with the blame, the only time to have that mild interest in finding blame comes post mortem in an effort for others involved to be able to learn from. I know that any need for my wife to let her hair down and escape is natural occurrence in any marriage because of the nature of a long term relationship.
I guess in a perfect world, there would be a magic wand that would allow for the perfect other-person lover to appear just by waving it. Can someone please invent a Unicorn Magic Wand? *smile
In the many recent conversations on this site regarding poly-friends and non-monogamy, somehow I failed to come across this particular blog Emma has graced us with. It’s incredible! I must say that it resonates with me and would be helpful in a potential journey that my Wife might want to have herself one day. The articulate writing and meaningful information gives me comfort that helps to quell my natural anxiety about how I might feel if my Wife and i were in the same situation.
Thank you Emma for sharing this and thank you @MagicalMolly for your amazing story. The amazing women here are, well, amazing, and I appreciate being able to hang out with y’all. Thank you to all of you.
Glad you liked it. It is scary to think that your wife needs a break from her reality and from you but she does. Not because of any fault of yours. She simply needs to let her hair down and pretend to be someone else for an evening. The sooner that you can come to terms with the fact that it isn’t you and is nothing that you’ve done wrong, the easier it will be to add this wonderful boost to your life. Let me know if I can help.
To address and dismiss some of the concerns about me potentially falling in love. Our getaways are primarily physical and I would never look for husband traits in a boyfriend. I see my husband as my rock. A highly intelligent man that I share an incredible emotional bond with.
A boyfriend fills a physical need and an emotional need of feeling desired. If I didn’t consider my purposes, the intimacy could get confusing indeed.
Am I looking for deep conversations over wine on a moonlit evening or am I looking for flirty conversation, dancing, steamy passionate sex that leaves me gasping and quivering?
Hopefully that makes sense.
I would love to experience compersion! But my wife says that is a hard NO! She had many boy friends during her last marriage, and on some level her husband was aware, but there was no communication or nurturing going on. In her eyes he had dropped the ball! She was still married to him when we started dating, 38 years ago, and she told me, what she told all her men, and her husband, “If you’re not chasing me around the bedroom somebody else will!”
I have to believe that my wife and I are in rather small group of married couples. Because she still sends shivers up my spine with just a kiss, and if I look at her, that-way, her nipples get hard and she breakout in goose-bumps! I’m not saying it’s been all Champaign and roses, and anybody who says it has been after 32 year’s of marriage is lying through their teeth, or are just roommates who never loved each other.
I understand, and agree, that millions of years of evolution have chemically hard wired men to ensure the propetuation of our species by spreading our seed far and wide, and women have been wired to be more pragmatic because of the investment pregnancy imposes on them. As I read through this post (and some of the other post that discuss how we have learned to over come and manipulate our chemical hard wiring to meat enlightened social norms), there was no acknowledgment of the hormone that is largely responsible for the rekindled passion with your husband, and that recharged never been so alive feeling; Oxytocin!
Most people associate it with child birth. The physical act of giving birth dramatically increases oxytocin levels and conversely oxytocin levels increase in the baby when the mother makes physical contact with her child. It is a product of female chemical evaluation, and this hormone is released to promote bonding of the mother and child.
Now please don’t take this next bit as me being a Debbie Downer. I think the relationship you have with your husband is amazing, and that he is a man above men to be so wonderfully supportive. And as I said in the beginning, I would love to experience the joy of compersion, and I am truly envious.
I know, you have made it clear that Steve is just a friend with benefits, and if either you or your husband feels a threat to your relationship you will end it!
Here is the rub, when a woman engages a potential mating partner, and again, I know, just a friend with benefits, but your evolutionary chemical hardwiring has never heard of woman’s lib, birth control, or any other reasoning for your newfound freedom, and your oxytocin level will typically double in response to your racing heart, sweaty palms, and fantasizing about what you want to do with and to him. But beyond that renewed fire of feeling alive, the increase is to strengthen the bond with this new man so he will feel the need to protect and stay with you even after he has fulfilled his evolutionary purpose.
From what you shared, it sounds like you have been dating Steve for at least a few months, and your oxytocin levels will typically drop back to normal around sixth month. The heart racing will start to fade to comfortable, and that’s when you and your husband will have to decide if the getaway weekends with Steve, and your downloads afterwards are enough, or will you have to find a “new” boyfriend to get that rush again. And I can’t help but wonder how hard will it be to let Steve go at that point, and would you feel resentment if indeed your husband asked you to!
Sorry for the hard questions, I just heard feelings being put into neat little ?’s, and given that every thought we have is a chemical response, all I cold see was those chemicals/hormones leaking out of the bottom, and things getting messy!
Okay, I guess I should read the other comments before I respond to a post. I’m deeply disappointed in your reply to mark64. You say, “I see my husband as my rock. A highly intelligent man that I share an incredible emotional bond with.” then turn around and dump him in with any joe blow off the street and say, “I would not permit him to search for and find a girlfriend.” First of all, from everything you have said about your husband he has no intention or desire to look for another woman, and why would he?
By giving you the gift of finding that new passion with Steve, your husband is getting something he hasn’t had from you since the relationship was new and exciting. The cocktail of hormones running through your veins is allowing both of you to experience the same feelings that originally forged the bond you have and are now continuing to strengthen. Not to mention, sharing all the intimate details of your encounters with Steve is very erotic and obviously triggering his natural male competitiveness, driving him to prove he is every bit as good if not better. So in that respect, it’s a win-win!
I realize you are on this site to communicate with like-minded women and made this comment in an estrogen flooded guy bashing moment, but what disappointed me the most about your double standard statement is that you say the male desire to be with another woman is selfish and could turn to an emotional connection outside the relationship. With that logic, the only double standard I see in this situation is that you are dating a MALE and expect us to believe Steve won’t develop feelings for you after throwing the love of your life, your rock and soul mate, under the bus!
At the end of the day, it is your life, and only you and your husband can determine what works for your relationship. I really hope everything works out because I do think what you have is very special, I just felt you were not giving such a caring and wonderful man the credit he deserves.
I’ve been deeply thinking about this basic concept of a married woman having a recurring boyfriend for much of the past month or so since first seeing the few stories blogged by our wonderful host and this incredible story told by Molly.
I would like to make it clear at the outset that my feelings are of course my own and exist for the sole purpose of how the dynamics might playout in my marriage if my wife were to ever want to have a poly-friend, non-monogamous in what would have to be defined as an ethical non-monogamous. Being able to openly express my ever-evolving personal feelings are of enormous benefit to me as take this journey through my mind. I want to avoid anyone here, especially any of the amazing woman here (I admire and respect each one of them) that are currently involved in a non-monogamous relationship, having them feel as though I am judging or otherwise disapproving of your loving relationship(s) you have with your husbands. I’m not judging. Clearly it is not really any of my business, but even still, it would be rude and disrespectful to say or even just imply that you’re doing it wrong simply by placing my standards, hopes, fears to your relationship.
In my deeps thoughts about this, it keeps steering me in the direction of consciously reminding myself of the difference between a married woman establishing and growing a non-monogamous relationship with a recurring lover (boyfriend), and a relationship with a strictly friends with benefits relationship for the purposes of being able to scratch that sex itch when it starts itching. The former has all the ingredients for the beginning of, and further development of true love between the wife and her outside partner. The latter does as well, but at least there is the barrier of an acknowledged and agreed upon (by husband, wife and her lover) of it being strictly about sex. I’m not naïve.
I fully understand that the sex-only arrangement still has the essential ingredients for the wife and her lover to fall in love and have damaging effects on the foundation of the cherished primary relationship she has with her husband. But in the sex-only scenario, the newness, hand sweating excitement is based on new sex with new people/person, and not on the newness of a budding new bond in a new relationship that has the goal of growing that relationship in much the same manner as the wife had with her husband. If knowing that the thrill of a new and growing intimate, not-just-sex relationship like she had/has with her husband is the goal, and all that may or may not come from that, then Godspeed and congratulations. My only hopes for anyone in a scenario like that is that the feelings of “my husband can pull the plug at anytime, can’t possibly take away the magic I currently have with my beloved husband, my new lover understands and accepts the boundaries of this new relationship” are really real, and just unintentional but still situationally justified anchor points made in the beginning. Because if any of those turn out to be not the case, well danger lurks for all three.
For me and my imperfect human fears and emotions, I know I couldn’t ever handle the new recurring boyfriend relationship where developing and deepening that relationship is part of hoes and dreams of my wife. Weekend getaways conjure up images of walks on the beach at unset with occasional pauses for deep, emotional, ‘I am so in love with you and so happy to be with you” kisses and embraces, and all of the other romance overtones images, real or just imagined by me, would be too much to bear.
I so very much appreciate you Emma for having this site, and to all of the wonderful, intelligent and beautiful women that are willing to share their stories, their experience and yes, their expertise.
I ment no disrespect, but after hearing MajicalMolly’s beautiful story of a complete respect, communication and support from her husband through ever facet of her exploration, that statement seamed unnecessary. I know hind sight is twenty-twenty, but if she would have simply stated that her husband has no desire to have another woman in response to mark64’s question, I guess it wouldn’t have cought me off guard. This is the first story of a couple making a completely open honest assessment of there needs and communicating as equals that I’ve read. I heard no demands or air superiority on her part, and it was a far cry from a loving wife getting dressed to kill and telling her husband, “Don’t wait up, I’m going to get laid,” as she walks out the door, leaving him blindsided and completely destroyed, wondering what he did wrong!
I was just so enamored with this beautiful relationship, that when I read that statement it didn’t fit the image in my mind! But as you say these are my feelings!
Again, MajicalMolly I ment no disrespect, and in hind sight, I could have been more tactful myself, and I only wish the best for you and your husband.
So let me just throw this into the pot for discussion.(Oh, and I’ve calmed down, for those of you who might be worried about commenting on what I’m about to write!)
There are loads of countries that legalise polygamy, with it apparently being legal in 58 out of about 200 sovereign states
.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legality_of_polygamy
Now I know that for the majority of these the practice is for the man to have multiple female partners, and I am absolutely sure that within these relationships there will be jealously and some discord at times or perpetually in some cases.
However the point remains that one partner having and caring for multiple other partners isn’t as inconceivable as it appears to be feared from some of the comments made here.
So in my case I am seeing someone else apart from my husband. Do I have feelings for him? Yes of course there is some connection. Are they the same as those for my husband? No, the connection is completely different. With Micheal I enjoy the difference, the excitement and his company. If I didn’t find him attractive and engaging I couldn’t sleep with him. But with Martin my connection is deeper, longer standing and on many different levels that can’t be replicated. Our shared experiences will always only be ours.
I also have very deep relationships with a few of my girlfriends. These relationships are not sexual but I do reveal things to them, some of my innermost fears and thoughts, that I don’t share with my husband. Some of those thoughts are about my marriage, our family, my insecurities etc.Does that make me unfaithful? I don’t think so and I’d guess that many many women are in a similar place as myself in this respect.
Now I know the first comment I’ll get back is, yes but you are not having sex with your girlfriends, but the point I’m trying to make is that I have many different relationships on many different levels with different people. One isn’t mutually exclusive of the other and doesn’t mean that any previous relationships will be cast aside or that I’ll care any less for those people.
In the same way that one doesn’t care more or less for your children. When the new progeny comes along, the existing ones aren’t cast aside. Yes what you have to give will need to be shared and may be modified a bit, but that evolving of feelings happens to all relationships as time progresses.
Right, now I’ve thrown the hand grenade I’ll stand back!
Do you think the relationships with your girlfriends would change materially if they were sexual in nature? I don’t think they need to be. I understand that it may not be your cup of tea but if you decided that you wanted to be intimate with one of your girlfriends, I propose that things wouldn’t need to change much. You would just need to have good communication about what the sexual relationship means.
That’s a difficult one to answer. I guess if we both were of a mind to be intimate with each other then the underlying relationship would be broadly similar. Of course if it wasn’t reciprocated then it would spell disaster for the friendship.
However I think that it would bring us closer and so probably more effect the relationships I have with my other girlfriends as I wouldn’t be able to be so open with them and they’d probably notice subtle changes in the way I interact with the friend I was being intimate with.
So happy to see you MsTara. Truly. For me … there is no controversary or debate or need to shield oneself from a hand grenade. We all have our opinions, desires, preferences and emotions that require or our care and attention … to ourselves. Your life is yours. Every part of it is yours and you seem to be a deeply loving and caring person toward and for everyone in your life that you care about, be it your husband, your boyfriend, your girlfriends, family, other friends, work associates, etc. Each of those relationships has the unique circumstances and height of importance to each of us that establish the necessary rules of engagement for each. You love and care about each of those people on some level, clearly some more than others, and in order to maintain and nurture that love and care, we communicate with each other on a necessary level to ensure a mutually desired growth as time moves on. The relationships that eventually fade to black over time happen naturally because of an endless variety of reasons, leaving us with only memories that were either good or bad. , and some are “meh”.
the interpersonal dynamics we have with each and every person we care to know are unique and frankly private. Each with their own unique set of rules of engagement. The level of deep love and respect that a husband and wife have for each is paramount in most people’s lives. Hopefully so anyway. Because if it’s not … well bad things can happen. When it comes to your relationship with Martin, the only opinions that matter are yours and your husbands, and of course Martin. Those individual feelings that you each have need no defending to anyone but you and Martin, and to a lesser degree Michael. . Not only do you have Martin’s blessing for your boyfriend, you both acknowledge that Michael’s place in your heart adds to the joy of living for each of you individually and as husband and wife, and what a beautiful and loving thing each of you are able to give each other. Most people are unable (or unwilling) to live their best lives because they are unable (or unwilling) to communicate on a deeply emotional matter to the people that matter most to them in their life and as such, never realize all of the joys of living their life.
Congratulations to you and those you love for living and loving the way that only you know makes you happy. For me, when witnessing the things in your life, and that of the other wonderful people here, there is zero judgement, only admiration, respect and happiness for you. In the natural course of communication in this venue, when given a peek inside, outsiders (like me) will often respond by trying to explain how we would react or feel when putting ourselves in your shoes. Often times that is difficult to do without it coming off as being judgmental even though it is NOT intended to be judgmental. I love being able to hear Emma’s story, your story, MagicalMolly’s story, and others when it comes to ethical non-monogamy relationships here. It is a comfortable place to be able to exchange my own feelings of joy, fear and excitement as I navigate the thoughts in my my own mind as it relates to my won blessed relationship with my “rock” … my wife. And for that opportunity I am grateful to you all.
It really is wonderful to “see you” MasTara. I look forward to more peeks inside your wonderful life and for the opportunity to talk about them.
Happy to talk about our dynamic and answer any questions you may have. I do know you are accepting and not judgemental, I was having a bit of an off time of things before and so reacted too strongly.