This article was written by a guest contributor named MagicalMolly after seeing my ping pong blog. She said that she had a story to tell me that might help me sort things out. After emailing back and forth for a few days, I was able to shove it all together for your reading pleasure. Yet another guest contribution, I may not ever have to write anything again (kidding). Enjoy and make sure you let Molly know what you thought! Thanks Molly!
My marriage had a big gaping home where passion used to be. Passion for me is a wonderful and essential part of a happy marriage. After twelve years and two wonderful children, the passion was mostly gone. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is an incredible father to our children and a wonderful husband to me. He buys me flowers, he surprises me with regular dates and he is everything that I ever wanted from a husband. He is the picture of marital perfection. Further, he is passionate and we have a wonderful sex life but something is missing.
Feeling bored and mundane in a relationship is normal and certainly not a sign that your partner isn’t right for you. Love is a wonderful emotion and it has the potential to build amazing bonds and tear other bonds apart. Most married women will either have an affair or simply deal with the passionless marriage as the normal result of a twelve year relationship. Biologically it is nearly impossible to keep the same feelings present all the way through a twelve or twenty year relationship.
Emotions change, we grow together and we grow apart. Then we grow back together once again. As our lives become intertwined in the most complicated of ways, we transition from lustful lovers to life partners. Love has a series of ups and downs and the absolute pinnacle of those ups and downs is to find someone who you want to spend your life with. I am convinced that with my husband, I have absolutely won the game of life.
So what about the passion, is that simply destined to go away? When we find love, marriage and a life partner does that need to be at the expense of passion? I don’t think so!
My marriage is wonderful, my husband is amazing. Nothing is lacking aside from that fire of feeling alive. I would never cheat on my husband, I would never hurt him in such a way. My husband is my everything and hurting him would cause an agonizing emotional toll on me as well.
I approached my husband about the lack of passion. He reminded me of everything that he does to keep the fire alive. He does everything for me, he is by no definition boring. I wasn’t able to pinpoint what it was and weren’t able to come to terms with it. Our sex life is far from boring, we have sex two or three times a week and I genuinely enjoy our intimate time together.
I determined that the missing piece for me was a chemical. Something that couldn’t be fixed by my husband. I wanted to obsess about someone, I wanted to feel my heart racing, get sweaty palms and fantasize about the things we would do together. I talked through this with my husband and he calmly said that it sounds like I need an affair. I got defensive and scolded him, saying that I would never do that to him. Infidelity was always ingrained in my mind as the ultimate betrayal and something that no relationship can or should survive.
He responded by telling me that I meant the world to him and that he knew he would never lose me. If I needed to have an affair, he wanted to give that to me. Being a person prone to jealousy, I immediately assumed that he was trying to use this as an opportunity for him to see other women. An opportunity to become swingers or have an open relationship. He calmly put his hand on my arm and said that he only wanted me to be happy and didn’t want me to read into it too much.
My husband suggested that we go on a vacation to help clear our heads. I thought about a vacation which seemed interesting at first glance. Make a list of things to pack, plan some activities, take time off work, make arrangements for the pets and finally coordinate our schedules so we can spend time together in a different place. This assumes that we don’t involve the (now grown) kids which would add yet another layer. I realized that it was impossible for me to let go completely. A break with the family was really just a change of scenery. We would have many of the same conversations about work, money, projects around the house, goals and the same menial topics that wouldn’t ever let me truly escape.
I did some separate thinking and research about what I wanted. About what was missing and I finally approached him and said that I was interested in his idea about an affair. I could tell that he was surprised but I went on and explained that I wanted to feel the feelings that we would have when sending naughty texts back and forth. I wanted to have that flirty fun that felt naughty and wrong and dirty. Doing things with my husband, even when we do kinky things seems somehow acceptable and normal since it is in our bedroom and in our household.
We agreed to talk more about it and keep the dialog open. We also agreed to talk openly about our feelings and pull the plug on the entire idea if it ever started to create a rift between us. My husband created a tinder profile for me and we started going through potential matches together. Swiping left, right, left. I am very specific with the attributes that I find attractive so there were far more left swipes than right.
I chatted with a few of the guys that I met but it seemed they were mostly sleazy and I really had no desire to be buried in dick pics or the endless braggadocios claims about size and stamina. There is nothing more undesirable to me than a guy who is arrogant and cocky especially in a sexual context.
Finally I started chatting with a guy who seemed genuinely nice and lived just a short distance from us. I shared the conversations with my husband who agreed that the guy sounded like a genuinely nice person. I talked to him a few times a day for nearly week before I decided to meet him at a nearby coffee shop for a quick chat. I arrived and he was already seated with a coffee in hand and one that was clearly for me. He didn’t know what I wanted but I appreciated that he simply ordered something and gave it to me. My husband would never do this, he would patiently relay my complex order about the fine details of my coffee preference.
This was simple. It was just black coffee with some cream and sugar beside it. Steve said that he would get me something else if I wanted but figured that he would just grab something while the line was short. It seemed so thoughtful yet assertive. I liked it. Simple. That’s what I was missing. Things used to be so simple until they became complicated. He wanted me, I wanted him. The rules were few. It was very simple.
We hit it off and I explained my whole situation including my husband whom I found myself constantly coming back to. Going on and on about your husband probably is not the best idea for date conversation. Steve didn’t seem to mind, he said that he is fine just being friends and seeing where that goes. That put me at ease, I certainly didn’t want a pushy guy when I was already incredibly uncomfortable with the entire situation. Steve didn’t seem to have any drama in his life, his wife had passed away due to cancer and he had no children.
I enjoyed the conversation, I felt at ease and I found him quite attractive. When I left, he went in for a hug and I surprised even myself by giving him a peck on the cheek. I felt some butterflies in my tummy and it was a feeling that I barely recognized. It made me smile.
I hurried home and my husband asked how it went. We sat on the bed and I was surprised that he wanted a full download of the date. I told him the details that I remembered and even mentioned the peck on the cheek expecting to see signs of jealousy. I didn’t see any indication that he was jealous so I asked him how it made him feel. He responded and said that he can’t remember seeing my face and smile beaming like this in a long time. If this is what it takes for me to feel happy, he was on board. His reassurance calmed me and reminded me that I wasn’t sabotaging anything. If either of us wanted to end this, we could do so.
Steve and I had a few more dates. The next date ended with a full kiss and every time I would come straight home and tell my husband all of the juicy details. Each time, partially expecting him to be jealous or angry in response. Each time he was excited and supportive of me. I was sure to tell him that I loved him and appreciated his support and I would remind him each time that he is my one and only, my soul mate. Since we had been on a few more dates, I asked my husband how he would feel if the relationship got got more physical. He responded that he would support whatever the next steps might be. I mean who is this amazing man and how did I luck out to land him as a husband? I keep asking myself if this is for real.
During the three or four weeks of seeing Steve, the sex life and passion between my husband and I was on fire. I felt like my batteries had been recharged and I had never been so alive. We had the spark together and I appreciated him more than ever.
The next date with Steve was at his place. I knew that we might be going further so I wore some cute panties and shaved my legs in anticipation but I wasn’t sure if I would have the guts to take things any further. I got to his place, we started talking and the conversation clicked immediately like it always seemed to. One thing led to another and we both ended up making out and performing oral on each other. It was nice. I thoroughly enjoyed it and the smile on my face matched the smile in my heart.
I arrived home and was terrified to tell my husband. I pulled into the driveway and sat there for a moment, debating on whether to lie. I went inside and I was terrified. My husband saw the blank expression on my face and asked what the problem was. I proceeded to tell him that things had gone farther and explained that I was nervous about telling him. My supportive husband wrapped his arms around me, chuckling and told me that he wasn’t upset in the slightest. He motioned to sit down on the couch to discuss. We started talking and I glossed right over the sexual bits but he slowed me down and wanted to hear every juicy detail. He was asking for details that I’d never even tell one of my girlfriends. He even wanted to know details about Steve’s penis and how Steve was at oral sex. I could tell that my sexual excitement was contagious and we were both getting very turned on talking about it. We didn’t even make it into the bedroom, we just leaned over into one another and passionately made love on the couch.
I was excited, confused and more turned on that I had ever been. We spoke about it again in a less sexual setting and I told my husband that I enjoyed the feelings that I felt when I was with Steve. I clarified that these were not feelings of love but feelings of excitement and passion. I also told him that I was confused as to why he wanted to know so many details about the specific experiences. He told me that he wanted to know every detail because he could see the joy on my face when I described it to him. My husband wanted to see me smile, wanted to see me glow as I described this man going down on me. This is a unique type of love that truly made me feel special.
A few weeks later, Steve asked me to go on a weekend trip with him to the local winery. I was excited but I didn’t know what to say. I told him that I appreciated the offer but politely declined. On the way home, I was beating myself up because I really wanted to go. I really needed an escape for a weekend. I told my husband and he agreed that I should reconsider the offer. I called Steve and told him that I had changed my mind.
Over that weekend, we had conversations which allowed us to get to know each other. I still checked in with my husband from time to time and told him that I was doing well, having fun and filled him in on some of our adventure. I felt like I was able to mentally escape my life and all of the daunting tasks about it. The weekend getaway was truly relaxing and helped me understand my husband and the essential role that he played in my life. It also helped me understand Steve and the important role that he played in my life.
My husband’s role is permanent and he is my companion, my rock. Steve’s role is wonderful but very different than the role of my husband. I would say that I share a different part of me with Steve. I share who I want to be rather than who I actually am. He is a mental and emotional distraction that allows me to distance myself from my own world and step into a different one.
Weekends with Steve are no reflection on any failings of my husband. He is still the best man I could have possibly married and the same guy I would marry if I had it to do all over again. We both agree that having a boyfriend allows me to be a better wife, a better mother to my kids and helps me keep my sanity during the ups and downs of life. My husband continues to be my biggest supporter and my partner in life. On more than one occasion, he has seen me stressed and has suggested a weekend with Steve to take my mind off things. The first few times it happened, I thought he was trying to push my buttons but I eventually realized that he realizes that my breaks give me calm. I return a happily rested woman that is ready to hit every day as the best version of me.