Sexuality & Gender Differences: Is It Fair?

On this website I spend quite a bit of time discussing differences between women and men. Along the way, some have accused me of being a female supremacist. Do I feel like women are superior? Do I feel like males are inferior and placed on this earth to serve women?

I feel like women and men are different and understanding our humanity is embracing the gifts and differences that we were given.

Physical Differences

I don’t think there is any disputing that Women are the weaker sex. Women are just over half as strong as men in their upper bodies, and about two-thirds as strong in their lower bodies. That difference is quite significant. The male metabolism burns calories faster and the female metabolism converts more food to fat. Men’s bodies are covered in more hair than women’s bodies. Voices are quite different with women having higher pitched voices and men having deeper voices. Then we get to the whole penis, vagina, breasts situation. These differences will come as a surprise to very few of you and we generally accept these differences as fact. So what else is different?

Hormones

Hormones make males and females different on a chemical level despite the fact that we have the exact same hormones in our bodies. Both males and females have estrogen, progesterone and testosterone but levels and concentrations are different depending on gender. These hormones also are used by the male and female bodies in different ways. Hormones also control our basic urges like sex drive, desire to pick fights and the desire to spend time caring for young. Hormones also seem to control gene expression in the brain. This is how gender reassignment through hormone replacement therapy effectively changes the hormonal balance and effectively reverses these gender traits even if the bits and pieces contradict the assigned gender.

So what?

The point I am trying to make is that we are all different. Men are stronger, women are weaker. Is that fair? No, probably not. The fact that the male metabolism burns calories faster is absolutely not fair! So treating us like we are equals doesn’t make sense. We aren’t equal. We are different and we are different in beautiful ways. Should we get equal pay and equal rights? Of course, that’s not what we are talking about here. What I am proposing is that our definition of relationships should evolve. A man is always going to have sex hormones that overpower his thoughts and cloud his judgement while the woman will typically be more pragmatic.

When a woman practices orgasm control for her partner, she is acknowledging that there are differences between them and embracing those differences. She is accepting her strengths and his weaknesses to create a stronger bond between the pair. Orgasms are essential in pair bonding women and men and harnessing that energy is something that cultures have done for thousands of years. From Chinese Taoists to India’s Tantra; orgasm control has shaped cultures around the world. I propose that western culture’s insistence in treating genders as equals in all things is flawed.

Relationships

When it comes to relationships, women’s sex drive takes a nose dive when they are in relationships. “While some would say that this means the women have an easier time being monogamous because their sex drive has gone down, sex experts would say that this is not the healthy state for these women,” write Dr. Aaron E. Carroll and Dr. Rachel C. Vreeman, both of the Indiana University School of Medicine. “The women are losing their desire to initiate sex or to have sex with their partners, which does not reflect sexual health.” So this means that women are wired to lose interest in sex in relationships because they are not generally wired for monogamy. Men on the other hand typically stay consistently interested in their pair bonded mate.

With women’s sex drive being more hormonal and intellectual, it requires constant stimulation and change. Let’s use porn as an example. Think of watching the same pornographic movie every day for your masturbation stimuli. Eventually you will get bored of that porn and want to watch something different. With the advent of the internet, we can watch all varieties of porn with a click of a mouse; lesbian, gay, bisexual, midget, you name it! Now imagine if your brain is stimulated by hormonal, experiential, emotional instead of visual. Now we are talking about women. I personally don’t like most porn. The stories and scenarios aren’t believable and they don’t allow me to grow emotionally connected with the actors and actresses due to the poor or nonexistent character development.

Emotional Porn

So women need sexual stimuli, how do they get it? We ask for flowers, cards, and all of the typical cliche things. Why do we want those things? I would argue that we want them as a way to satisfy the animal part of our brain that strives for that emotional connection and the hormonal rush. In my relationship, I gain a tremendous amount of emotional satisfaction from controlling my partner’s orgasms. This comes from the feeling of power and excitement that I feel when he is under my lock and key. The attention that a teased and locked man provides is difficult to describe but I’ve spent the last few years trying to do so with this blog.

Pegging is another thing that gives me very little physical satisfaction. We rarely use vibrators inside the harness or things that provide physical sensations when pegging. The enjoyment that I get is almost completely emotional. As with orgasm control, I enjoy seeing my partner beneath me. I enjoy being in control. I would go so far as to call pegging more of an emotional experience for both men and women than a physical one. Women feel empowered and men feel dominated but so many other emotions and connections happen when couples try alternative ways to increase their emotional connection.

Secondary physical relationships are another way to create those dopamine feelings of newness that accompany a new partner while strengthening the pair bond in your primary relationship. This one is new to me but it has really made me look deep and analyze what I get emotionally from a partner vs what I get from a secondary physical relationship. As with orgasm control, we can create a redirected or externally controlled emotional experience. When I spend time with my secondary partner, I direct the feelings of euphoria and well being back at my primary partner. This creates a deepness with the primary partner that is unlike any other despite the fact that those feelings are based upon experiences that are not primarily with that partner. Much of this is attributed to the hormonal makeup of women since they are hormonally wired as nurturers and caregivers.

For men, secondary physical relationships can validate self worth and the “I’ve still got it” part of the psyche but male hormones don’t vary with relationship duration like women’s do. His body doesn’t need new mental stimulation since the drive is still strong. While there is no question that new sexual experiences are novel and exciting for him they normally do more to hurt than help the primary relationship. Studies have shown that for men, secondary sexual experiences outside of the pair bonded relationship tend to pull apart rather than push together. They create friction and distraction rather than strengthening bonds and attraction. The emotional bond for men can be disrupted by his mind finding the new secondary partner as the primary source of sexual fulfillment since she is new and novel.

So what does it all mean?

In my typical long winded fashion, I am saying that men and women are different and we need to accept and embrace those differences if we want to be truly equal. We may need to make some changes if we wish to create and maintain and incredible pair bond with another individual, as is my desire with Kevin. We all know that divorce rates are soaring and marriages are failing at unprecedented rates. I choose to learn about what makes us tick so we can strengthen our bond using whatever means necessary to fulfill our emotional and sexual needs and desires.

For Women

Consider that your man is as attracted to you as the day you met. In fact, he is probably more attracted to you. If he approaches you with new ideas, be open to those ideas and consider their pros and cons. Ensure that you communicate openly about each new step that you take and don’t bite off too much at the same time. Take baby steps and communicate openly about how your latest endeavor made you feel. If you decide to take a secondary physical relationship, take small steps and discuss openly.

For Men

Be open to new experiences and recommend them to your partner. Orgasm control, pegging and any experiences that allow her to use her mind in addition to her body will fuel her emotional attraction. Consider communicating about how a secondary physical relationship may benefit your wife or girlfriend. If you decide to move forward always keep the lines of communication open. If you keep her stimulated mentally, you can maintain a healthy long term relationship.

Fairness

It really isn’t about what is fair and what isn’t. If you are both committed to a strong and wonderful relationship, do what is best to bond the two of you together. Obsessing about fairness isn’t healthy and will only create resentment between the two of you. We’ve acknowledged that we are all wired differently. Some of us have hairy faces and bodies, some of us have periods and menstrual cramps while some of us have significantly different amounts of hormones. Some of us have bodies capable of giving birth to tiny humans while others of us have dangling bits that make it easy to pee standing up. None of this is fair and the sooner you accept it, the sooner you can start acknowledging and manipulating your differences to bring you closer together.

Enjoy, love, respect and challenge each other at all times. If either one of you feels uncomfortable, respect your partner enough to stop. Make time to communicate about any steps that you take before, during (if possible) and after experiences to make sure that you are moving together on this journey instead of apart. I will say that we moved too quickly on several occasions and it caused us to take a step back in terms of closeness. Thankfully with some deep and distraction free conversation, were able to make two steps forward together. Lots of love to you all and thank you for reading.