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Is It Fair?

On this website I spend quite a bit of time discussing differences between women and men. Along the way, some have accused me of being a female supremacist. Do I feel like women are superior? Do I feel like males are inferior and placed on this earth to serve women?

I feel like women and men are different and understanding our humanity is embracing the gifts and differences that we were given.

Physical Differences

I don’t think there is any disputing that Women are the weaker sex. Women are just over half as strong as men in their upper bodies, and about two-thirds as strong in their lower bodies. That difference is quite significant. The male metabolism burns calories faster and the female metabolism converts more food to fat. Men’s bodies are covered in more hair than women’s bodies. Voices are quite different with women having higher pitched voices and men having deeper voices. Then we get to the whole penis, vagina, breasts situation. These differences will come as a surprise to very few of you and we generally accept these differences as fact. So what else is different?

Hormones

Hormones make males and females different on a chemical level despite the fact that we have the exact same hormones in our bodies. Both males and females have estrogen, progesterone and testosterone but levels and concentrations are different depending on gender. These hormones also are used by the male and female bodies in different ways. Hormones also control our basic urges like sex drive, desire to pick fights and the desire to spend time caring for young. Hormones also seem to control gene expression in the brain. This is how gender reassignment through hormone replacement therapy effectively changes the hormonal balance and effectively reverses these gender traits even if the bits and pieces contradict the assigned gender.

So what?

The point I am trying to make is that we are all different. Men are stronger, women are weaker. Is that fair? No, probably not. The fact that the male metabolism burns calories faster is absolutely not fair! So treating us like we are equals doesn’t make sense. We aren’t equal. We are different and we are different in beautiful ways. Should we get equal pay and equal rights? Of course, that’s not what we are talking about here. What I am proposing is that our definition of relationships should evolve. A man is always going to have sex hormones that overpower his thoughts and cloud his judgement while the woman will typically be more pragmatic.

When a woman practices orgasm control for her partner, she is acknowledging that there are differences between them and embracing those differences. She is accepting her strengths and his weaknesses to create a stronger bond between the pair. Orgasms are essential in pair bonding women and men and harnessing that energy is something that cultures have done for thousands of years. From Chinese Taoists to India’s Tantra; orgasm control has shaped cultures around the world. I propose that western culture’s insistence in treating genders as equals in all things is flawed.

Relationships

When it comes to relationships, women’s sex drive takes a nose dive when they are in relationships. “While some would say that this means the women have an easier time being monogamous because their sex drive has gone down, sex experts would say that this is not the healthy state for these women,” write Dr. Aaron E. Carroll and Dr. Rachel C. Vreeman, both of the Indiana University School of Medicine. “The women are losing their desire to initiate sex or to have sex with their partners, which does not reflect sexual health.” So this means that women are wired to lose interest in sex in relationships because they are not generally wired for monogamy. Men on the other hand typically stay consistently interested in their pair bonded mate.

With women’s sex drive being more hormonal and intellectual, it requires constant stimulation and change. Let’s use porn as an example. Think of watching the same pornographic movie every day for your masturbation stimuli. Eventually you will get bored of that porn and want to watch something different. With the advent of the internet, we can watch all varieties of porn with a click of a mouse; lesbian, gay, bisexual, midget, you name it! Now imagine if your brain is stimulated by hormonal, experiential, emotional instead of visual. Now we are talking about women. I personally don’t like most porn. The stories and scenarios aren’t believable and they don’t allow me to grow emotionally connected with the actors and actresses due to the poor or nonexistent character development.

Emotional Porn

So women need sexual stimuli, how do they get it? We ask for flowers, cards, and all of the typical cliche things. Why do we want those things? I would argue that we want them as a way to satisfy the animal part of our brain that strives for that emotional connection and the hormonal rush. In my relationship, I gain a tremendous amount of emotional satisfaction from controlling my partner’s orgasms. This comes from the feeling of power and excitement that I feel when he is under my lock and key. The attention that a teased and locked man provides is difficult to describe but I’ve spent the last few years trying to do so with this blog.

Pegging is another thing that gives me very little physical satisfaction. We rarely use vibrators inside the harness or things that provide physical sensations when pegging. The enjoyment that I get is almost completely emotional. As with orgasm control, I enjoy seeing my partner beneath me. I enjoy being in control. I would go so far as to call pegging more of an emotional experience for both men and women than a physical one. Women feel empowered and men feel dominated but so many other emotions and connections happen when couples try alternative ways to increase their emotional connection.

Secondary physical relationships are another way to create those dopamine feelings of newness that accompany a new partner while strengthening the pair bond in your primary relationship. This one is new to me but it has really made me look deep and analyze what I get emotionally from a partner vs what I get from a secondary physical relationship. As with orgasm control, we can create a redirected or externally controlled emotional experience. When I spend time with my secondary partner, I direct the feelings of euphoria and well being back at my primary partner. This creates a deepness with the primary partner that is unlike any other despite the fact that those feelings are based upon experiences that are not primarily with that partner. Much of this is attributed to the hormonal makeup of women since they are hormonally wired as nurturers and caregivers.

For men, secondary physical relationships can validate self worth and the “I’ve still got it” part of the psyche but male hormones don’t vary with relationship duration like women’s do. His body doesn’t need new mental stimulation since the drive is still strong. While there is no question that new sexual experiences are novel and exciting for him they normally do more to hurt than help the primary relationship. Studies have shown that for men, secondary sexual experiences outside of the pair bonded relationship tend to pull apart rather than push together. They create friction and distraction rather than strengthening bonds and attraction. The emotional bond for men can be disrupted by his mind finding the new secondary partner as the primary source of sexual fulfillment since she is new and novel.

So what does it all mean?

In my typical long winded fashion, I am saying that men and women are different and we need to accept and embrace those differences if we want to be truly equal. We may need to make some changes if we wish to create and maintain and incredible pair bond with another individual, as is my desire with Kevin. We all know that divorce rates are soaring and marriages are failing at unprecedented rates. I choose to learn about what makes us tick so we can strengthen our bond using whatever means necessary to fulfill our emotional and sexual needs and desires.

For Women

Consider that your man is as attracted to you as the day you met. In fact, he is probably more attracted to you. If he approaches you with new ideas, be open to those ideas and consider their pros and cons. Ensure that you communicate openly about each new step that you take and don’t bite off too much at the same time. Take baby steps and communicate openly about how your latest endeavor made you feel. If you decide to take a secondary physical relationship, take small steps and discuss openly.

For Men

Be open to new experiences and recommend them to your partner. Orgasm control, pegging and any experiences that allow her to use her mind in addition to her body will fuel her emotional attraction. Consider communicating about how a secondary physical relationship may benefit your wife or girlfriend. If you decide to move forward always keep the lines of communication open. If you keep her stimulated mentally, you can maintain a healthy long term relationship.

Fairness

It really isn’t about what is fair and what isn’t. If you are both committed to a strong and wonderful relationship, do what is best to bond the two of you together. Obsessing about fairness isn’t healthy and will only create resentment between the two of you. We’ve acknowledged that we are all wired differently. Some of us have hairy faces and bodies, some of us have periods and menstrual cramps while some of us have significantly different amounts of hormones. Some of us have bodies capable of giving birth to tiny humans while others of us have dangling bits that make it easy to pee standing up. None of this is fair and the sooner you accept it, the sooner you can start acknowledging and manipulating your differences to bring you closer together.

Enjoy, love, respect and challenge each other at all times. If either one of you feels uncomfortable, respect your partner enough to stop. Make time to communicate about any steps that you take before, during (if possible) and after experiences to make sure that you are moving together on this journey instead of apart. I will say that we moved too quickly on several occasions and it caused us to take a step back in terms of closeness. Thankfully with some deep and distraction free conversation, were able to make two steps forward together. Lots of love to you all and thank you for reading.

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Ruined-Julie

Hello, Emma,

Thank you for this very interesting article. I must admit I was surprised that you are not “stimulated” by the standardized porn featuring a photocopier repairman working in an office where two bisexual secretaries can’t resist its devastating charm (the whole thing being moreover badly dubbed in French in my home…).

More seriously, I totally agree that men and women are wired differently and that what stimulates one partner will not necessarily stimulate the other.
As always (yes we’re rambling) communication is the basis of a healthy relationship. At one time in my life, my couple went through a delicate period (momentary separation) because we had to communicate. Too much unsaid, unshared things, unassumed fantasies had kept us away from each other (add to that a child and you have a time bomb). If I can give advice based on personal experience, don’t be afraid of your spouse. You have chosen to share your life with, and life is good times and bad times. But to internalize too much blame and not to communicate what you are exposing yourself to? Only to disaster. Open up to your better half, maybe he or she won’t understand your expectations at first, but at least you will have talked about it and dialogue is the cure for everything. It is better to open up and dialogue than to keep everything to yourself while waiting for an impassable gap to open up between you.

PS: Women do not (for the most part) seek to impose a matriarchal order and dominate the world. All we want is to be treated equaly.

khorina5

As a 15+ years married husband, i agree that we are wired very differently. And that we males accommodate/perpetuate the same excuses for infidelity. Honestly, i’m glad to have learned from my Queen about relationships. In particular, the “connection” part is what matters most to us. Through the years, i discovered that this connection is what She needs, and for men is harder to keep it as it implies opening way deeper than we are comfortable with. But once i experienced it i also don’t want anything less.

Regarding Vikter’s comment below, i don’t have academic info but my case is that religion does influence the perception of sex. My Queen is religious and living through Her perspective we’ve embraced (and maximized!) some of those restrictions, and it has worked great for us. We’ve been in permanent chastity/abstinence for months now and it has brought us way closer in unimaginable ways, and although this seems ‘unfair’ towards me from the outside, i am living it the best i can and loving it!

Vikter

“Orgasms are essential in pair bonding women and men and harnessing that energy is something that cultures have done for thousands of years. From Chinese Taoists to India’s Tantra; orgasm control has shaped cultures around the world. I propose that western culture’s insistence in treating genders as equals in all things is flawed.”

I have an academic curiosity about this statement. Do you have information about the prevalence of the following of these beliefs in a day to day life? Is it something that permeates the eastern cultures to the point that in hold true even in a globalized world?

Curiosity out of the way, I will just blame Disney for the unequal standing in sexuality. And acknowledge that nothing in life is fair, ever. Fairness is itself a social construct that in overall very new to the word and we are struggling with it. Maybe that’s just my pessimism showing through. I don’t need things to be fair, sometimes it better when they aren’t I know I work harder and fight to the bitter end when an unfair challenge is posed. It forces adaptation and innovation.

Being a parent I do get to hear plenty about things being “unfair”. Its hard to suppress the “Yes, and?” reaction.

With all of that being said, the content of this blog post was very on point with the relationship aspect and provided some great talking points for later. I will need to do some rereading and research beforehand.

The timing of your article also makes me question whether or not you have my house under surveillance…

buster146

I have enjoyed reading the Ping Pong adventures and MagicalMolly’s story. The differences between men and women do not seem to me to be unfair, but the way society (or men) treat women is and has been quite unfair at times. The differences are neutral, biological, and include different skin structure, and different ratios of rods to cones in the retina of the eye, so women see colors more distinctly than men, and men see better in low light situations.
The issues of promiscuity-monogamy and sexual control in the stories made me think of a book I have, Cupid’s Poison Arrow by Marnia Robinson (pub 2009; also a website). That book deals with those issues in a different way that I believe might be informative for readers of this forum. It has some history, some religion, and some modern science as they relate to human nature and human sexual behavior. It starts with a separation of sex for procreation from sex for emotional bonding, an ancient concept that has reappeared many times in history. One other main idea in the book is the role of genes as determinants of human behavior: we are programmed through sex to pair bond long enough to make and raise a child (2, 3, 4 years), but also programmed to seek new and novel mates as a strategy (or result) of evolution to maximize genetic variation in offspring. The book is not the least academic, although sources are well noted. It is her story of romantic failure and search for reasons for the pattern of relationship failure she observed, and what she found. Lots of quotes from all over, anecdotes, asides, and excursions into related areas of anthropology, neurology, and other interesting –ologies all told well and entertainingly. You will find reasons given for our behaviors, sort of like the recent post on copulins. Towards the end of the book she veers off into ways to reconstruct or maintain a good relationship, which this readership probably does not need.
Anyway, I felt like I was seeing parts of Cupid’s…Arrow acted out in front of me while reading the recent posts, and had to share my interest in the book.

Dirtbag57

Ms. Emma you have drawn the almost perfect description of how relationships work. Are you a trained psychologist? I have read numerous studies over the years (I’m older than most people believe) and this is one of if not the best descriptions of how humans act and react. You have described in great detail the way males and females are “wired” for relationships. And notably it works for just “relationships” in general not just for people in “love”.

Having just found your blogs in the last few weeks I have been catching up on reading the ones posted and have been providing the information you develop to my WIFE/QUEEN/OWNER. It is correct in so many ways and describes our relationship down to a “T”. Please keep going do my ever think you have reached the end of the information. It like reaching the end of the Internet (I unfortunately work with computers). It ain’t happening.