About Her

An Affair Made Me a Better Wife and Mother

This blog entry isn’t about me, it is paraphrased from a few different blogs that I’ve read. The content reflects things that I’ve heard from personal friends and from LOTS of women who have emailed me over the last year. Although I am not a wife nor a mother I’ll do my best to channel my inner housewife for my loving audience. Over the last month, my household has undergone some changes that make this conversation more relatable to my own life. Enjoy!

Many women admit that having an affair actually improved their marriage. Society tells us that the affair is the nail in the coffin of a relationship. Some point the finger at the cheating spouse and say that they wrecked the marriage. On the other hand, some have found an affair to actually strengthen their marriage.

Marriage is an Interesting Thing

When you marry someone, you are designating that one person to fulfill all of your emotional and physical needs. This is a huge task and a enormous ask for any one person. As a married couple, you are asked to confide in each other with your challenges and be a support blanket. At the same time, this person is meant to satisfy your sexual needs as well.

Conversation

Putting it bluntly, dinnertime conversation for a married couple is boring and bland.

How was your day at work?
Fine.

How was yours?
Fine.

Did anything exciting happen?
No.

Does this sound like you? If so, you aren’t alone. The couples that do everything together lose the bond of storytelling. At the very basis of society and civilization, storytelling is how you built the bond together in the first place. Remember when you were dating and would regale each other with stories of all the exciting times before the two of you met? Since you spend much of your time together now, all you have are second-hand regurgitated stories about the lives of your friends.

An Affair Can Awaken Passion

Sharing emotional or physical intimacy with a person other than your husband can be a healthy thing. Our bodies are wired to thrive on the newness of a relationship. When that newness is long gone, it is impossible to feel the passion that we felt when we first met our husband. Those feelings of intimacy need not be tied to one person.

A Better Mother

As humans, we become less critical and happier when our needs are met. Patience and laughter are the byproduct of a happier person. When children enjoy laughter and happiness, they thrive. We shift from scolding and negative reinforcement to praise and positive reinforcement. Is a shift like that possible without having an affair? Of course it is but it can sure be difficult to fake happiness. Imagine how easy it would be if you were truly happy. Another byproduct if a night away from the kids. If you are going out with a special someone, it goes without saying that your husband will be staying home with the kids. His time with the kids is an excellent time to bond with them. When you arrive home after the kids are in bed, the two of you can cuddle together and have guilt free conversations about whatever parts you feel like sharing; with a smile on your face.

Protecting the Marriage

Most women cite protecting the marriage as one of the most important things in their life. While their husband may not be their emotional confidant, or their only sexual partner, the bond they create is one of partnership. That partnership is more than the sum of its parts. A sexual relationship can never be a replacement for a marriage partnership. Marriage provides household safety and dependability, neither of which are especially “sexy” traits. As both partners grow to see their spouse as safe or dependable, passion dies. This is only natural since we’ve achieved what we sought after. We wanted a household partner and we found that in our husband. Once married, we long for what lit the fire of passion in our eyes and in our hearts. Even with the best of intentions, a married life can quickly become dull and deliberate.

Make Your Indiscretions Deliberate

So many times, women seek a replacement for a marriage rather than seeking a replacement for just the part that is missing. Your husband may be a wonderful emotional confidant and best friend but lackluster in the bedroom after all these years. Seek only to replace the part that is missing. Your husband may be too distracted with his busy job or social life to give you the attention that you need. Seek only what is missing and find a male friend that can provide time and un-rushed intimacy.

I Will Feel Guilty

This is something that I can’t help with. My recommendation is that you enter into the affair with the blessing of your husband. Share openly the areas where you have grown apart and where your lives do not permit you to fully meet each other’s needs. Understand that both partners deserve to have their needs met and work together to see that they are. The guilt should come from knowingly staying in a relationship where your needs are unmet. The guilt should come from knowingly being in a relationship with a best friend that you are unable to meet the needs of.

Set Rules

Make sure that you create a set of rules that you are both comfortable with. These rules are your own so they can be as mild or wild as you want them to be. You can have a sexless relationship, a friend without benefits per se. On the flip side, you can have a sexual relationship only. No emotions, just lustfully steamy hotel encounters. Perhaps you are ok with companionship and oral sex but no penetration. The point is, make rules that you are both comfortable with and give it a shot. You can come back and revisit your rules anytime you want but start somewhere and focus on your happiness.

Rate Your Sex Life

It is important to separate your partner from sex. You may have the world’s best husband but the monotony of monogamy can make even sexiest of bedrooms mundane. You didn’t get married exclusively for the sex, you got married because you found your best friend and your soulmate. Sex together is simply icing on the cake that helps solidify the bond together.

Consider having an conversation about the quality of your sex life and rate it honestly on a scale of one to ten. It might be tough to hear that you are a one or two but can you imagine the resentment of holding that in? This will lead to some deeper conversations and some hurt feelings.

If the two of you work together, you can come up with ways to build excitement in the bedroom which spills over to the rest of your partnership.

Conclusion

Nobody can tell you if going outside of your relationship is wise or foolish but look outside the box as you make the decision. A marriage is the union of to individuals who truly want the best for each other. If the butterflies go away, it might be time to look at safe ways to try and bring them back. So many couples, women especially go through the motions. Over the years, the routine has drained every ounce of fun from sex and they’ve learned to loathe sex.

Love yourself and love your partner enough to live life and enjoy everything that it has to offer. Imagine the stories that you will have to tell and the things you will have to talk about. Be transparent with your feelings and know that you will always have your loving husband to count on. I feel that men get a bad rap. Every single man that I’ve met on this site has been very thoughtful and puts the needs of his wife ahead of his own, especially the sexual needs. Consider that you might just have one of the good guys and focus on being the best version of yourself. Do it for yourself and do it for him.

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subhubphx

There is a lot to unpack for me here. Marriage isn’t for everyone. For most, marriage is forsaking all others, till death do us part stuff. Clearly the husband and wife can mutually decide to alter those things if they want. If they truly want.

I’m not here to judge anyone’s thoughts or lifestyle. If it works for them, truly works for them, then it is the kind of love they have for each that makes for a beautiful, devoted life together and I support it implicitly.

For me in my life with my Wife, I don’t agree with that it is a forgone conclusion that “passion dies” or that it is impossible to keep the passion fire lit. In fact, it is precisely what a true (not fantasy), loving WLM/FLR gives the Wife. It takes work, but it does work. It’s the kind of work that comes from love, passion desire and yes, even the butterflies that come with “newness”.

Scratching the relationship “newness” itch is entirely different than the desire to scratching the better sex only “No emotions, just lustfully steamy hotel encounters.” It can’t be both.

If the desire for the “newness” butterflies, comes from starting and establishing a new on-going relationship that originates from sex with another man, it logically will meet the same fate of the marriage. Then what? Love (a rose is a rose) has developed and now there is another relationship facing the challenge of the newness wearing off.

Things that matter require sacrifice. If “forsaking all others” was or remains as an anchor point, on any level, for the husband (or wife) in a marriage, it seems logical that it would require forsaking the desire to experience the newness of pursuing a relationship with another man. If the couple truly wishes to ignore or abandon the forsaking all others aspect, then an ethical non-monogamous relationship can thrive and even be a good thing for the couple. Like everything in life and like Emma always pounds the table about, actual COMMUNICATION and an understanding and agreement among the parties is necessary. If either person in the marriage thinks they fully communicated things but actually didn’t, there will be sad problems that develop.

Clearly, those that have non-monogamous relationships with others do so in order to fill a void that exists from their partner, and that’s perfectly ok given the type and amount of communication that took place. Much of what is discussed here and other places is the kind of non-monogamy that fills the holes that exist for the wife. Those very same holes exist for husbands, especially those that exist in a relationship led by the wife (orgasm control, chastity, retention, WLM/WLR, etc.). Does the same logical apply for those husband that desires to have their holes filled (no pun intended)?

I’ll mercifully end this epistle (a new word I learned from a smart person recently) with a bit of advice; Y’all know it already and you’ve heard it repeatedly before from our gracious host Emma … without full and actual communication, and without a complete acceptance and support of the other persons desires that are lacking in the relationship … some level of sadness is certain to happen, perhaps like the attached picture. Conversely, with properly and fully communicated needs and unquestioned respect and support for each other, all of the things Emma writes about here can be the source of a tremendous amount of bliss, especially for the wife.

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gallifreystyle

If I could I would like this comment ten times!

Brian

I cant say I’ve had much luck with the extra marital sex thing, either her doing it or me doing it. It always ended up sticky for us emotionally, but honestly, I carry a lot of damage from the past and I tend to be with women who do as well so there is that. We ended up finding the best way to keep things fresh was to be creative and keep trying different things and places as opposed to people.

Anyways, I do wonder about this topic in relation to evolution.

Quite happy to say I could be wrong, but as far as I know, our ancient ancestors where roaming hunter gathers who traveled around in groups of 50 to 75 people. Apparently we all lived together, slept together, and pretty much shared everything, i.e. everyone who wanted multiple partners had multiple partners. I know there where alphas in the mix, but the multiple partner thing was a thing for millions of years across the genus Homo and I believe the australopithecus. Monogamy on the other hand is pretty new being only a few thousands years old.

Last edited 14 days ago by Brian
subhubphx

Excellent stuff!

Brian

Think about today’s society. Are we better off?

Huge topic with many factors, but if we narrow it down to sexual satisfaction, from my experience…

My first wife had a much lower sex drive than me and a very different sexual style which didn’t help. While I loved her greatly and we had a lot in alignment out of the bedroom, it was always a ton of work to feel there was decent balance in it. If multiple partners where the norm in this society, I would have had a friend with benefits as well as a wife. Under those circumstances, my marriage would have very likely survived.

My second wife and I on the other hand where very aligned sexually and the ease and connection of that really played well in our relationship opening up all sorts of avenues of connection and communication. We tried multiple partners but because of various issues, it wasn’t right for us.

I know all of this is overly simplistic, but yea, I think there is a good argument to be made for multiple partners and i know in societies where its more accepted, Italy, Sweden, Holland, for example, it works well.

I’d really like to see a much more open attitude to sex in the US as well as proper sex education. I really feel a lot of marriages fail because people get into relationships knowing little to nothing about their personal sexual preferences and carry so much societal junk, they cant express or explore with their partner.

subhubphx

Well said Brian.

subhubphx

Speaking for myself ……

Without mixing things up with a different partner, how can you regain those feelings of newness?”

It depends. For me and Ms. K, there is a big difference between the thrill of a new one-and-done sex partner, and the newness of courtship that comes with wanting to develop a relationship with that sex partner. For Her (and I agree), the feelings of love that will develop with a new developing relationship and the limited physical opportunities to have sex in general all have to come from somewhere/someone, which require sacrifice by the primary/permanent partner. There’s only so much to go around and as such holes develop for the permanent partner that aren’t being filled.

The thought isn’t to find a new permanent partner with the expectation of having the newness last forever, the thought is to supplement an amazing relationship with torrid sexual encounters when the opportunity presents itself.”

I get it completely. Isn’t there a natural concern about what happens when the newness of the new fella wears off? Back in the same boat unless there is an agreement and understanding ahead of time that when the newness wears off, the relationship is over.

If the newness one seeks is limited to the thrill of fucking a new one-and-done (effectively) partner without the chance of a recurring relationship developing, there’s very little chance of broken hearts or misunderstanding. It’s as if the “new” lover is a human sex toy.

Emma, I’m not trying to convince you or anyone else that how Ms. K. and feel about this is how they should should feel about it. I’m a huge believer in “it works for us”, whatever the “it” might be.

We’ve talked in the past about Ms. K. having another lover. We’ve talked about what it might even look like. What it would look like would be he (or she) would come in, do their business then leave. No hanging around for drinks or coffee or breakfast. No calling you tomorrow. No let’s hang out. No otherwise normal contact. Even though it would clearly be her prerogative to take another lover given the context of our lifestyle, and however unlikely it might be that she would actually take another lover, her steadfast concern would be to avoid ANYTHING that would allow emotional feelings to develop either with her or the lover. I guess not anything … emotional feelings can and do develop from sex only, but it would be much less risky. Again, that’s us. It works for us, or perhaps would if it ever happened.

I think the ethical non-monogamy relationships that you and the other amazing ladies that contribute here are fascinating and beautiful. You can tell they are beautiful by the way you each talk about them and I support and celebrate them alongside each of you.

The desire to experience “newness” needs to be defined and needs to be the anchor point of the best advice you always give ….. With proper communication of course.

Thanks for being awesome.

Submissivedanny355

I was never able to satisfy my wife sexually but she didn’t care. She loved me and she wanted to be married to me. After a short time being married I knew she was very unhappy sexually so I brought it up one night. She denied it at first but then she finally admitted it but she didn’t want to divorce so I suggested she have sex with another guy. She wasn’t in favor of that but she finally started to accept the idea. The only rule I had was that she not do it behind my back. I told her to be open and let me know what she’s doing. I told her if she was going to meet someone after work just call me and tell me she will be late because she meeting someone or call me and tell me she was bringing someone home.She finally did go out on dates and had sex with several guys. She finally found a guy she now calls her boyfriend. The come here and go to his place for sex and they go for weekends away and week long vacations. She is very happy and so am I. We actually spend more time cuddling and talking and she has me give her oral almost every night which I love doing.

mstara

My reaction to this piece is that the biggest danger here is if there are any feelings of betrayal?
The term ‘affair’ conjures up for me something that was done with out consent of the other party in the relationship. Surely this is where the damage is likely to be done?

To me it boils down to three words:-
Trust – firm belief in the reliability, truth, or ability of someone or something.
an arrangement whereby a person (a trustee) holds property as its nominal owner for the good of one or more beneficiaries.
believe in the reliability, truth, or ability of.
Consent – permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.
give permission for something to happen. 
Deceit– the action or practice of deceiving someone by concealing or misrepresenting the truth.
 
I’ve been thinking about these three words a lot recently in relation to my own situation and talking with hubby about the way forward.

To me the trust is the most important. Without that the bedrock of any relationship is on shaky ground in my opinion.
From that flows consent, or indeed no consent. If the trust is there then each partner should know what questions are likely to gain consent and which aren’t. If you know they won’t get consent then you shouldn’t ask them as you’ll be putting your partner into a potentially impossible position.
Deceit comes in if you don’t get the consent but go ahead anyway, or never ask the question as you know you won’t get the consent.

All relationships change over time and as we add new ones )sexual or otherwise) there will be an impact on existing ones. Both men and women often develop close relationships with particular friends and this can be seen as they develop into a confidant. Here your relationship with your spouse may be discussed, analysed or advice sought. These all impact on your partnership.

So I don’t see having an ‘affair’, or as I’d prefer to call it an ‘arrangement’, should be damaging as long as there is trust and consent but not deceit.

subhubphx

This is an amazingly profound comment MsTara. Especially this part:

From that flows consent, or indeed no consent. If the trust is there then each partner should know what questions are likely to gain consent and which aren’t. If you know they won’t get consent then you shouldn’t ask them as you’ll be putting your partner into a potentially impossible position.”

We all know and understand our partners, and we pretty much know if consent will be genuine and therefore given, or deep down the consent isn’t there but is out of sense of perceived obligation to acquiesce. In other words, an impossible position. How consent is obtained is a very serious matter and should be obtained ethically. If there is even the tiniest speck of regret from the person giving the consent, it’s a cancer seed that will grow.

Like every other aspect of a loving relationship, real, genuine and complete communication is more than just important, it is a matter of live and death for that relationship.

Thank you for your wisdom in words.

mstara

If there is even the tiniest speck of regret from the person giving the consent, it’s a cancer seed that will grow.

How very well put

Coastriders

Hi, my wife and I have been in a WLM for about 6 years now which developed from us seeking a way to finally align our 40 yr old marriage with our personalities.
As I let my ego fade into the background I became submissive and more loving but while this is what Mrs M needs from me, she sexually needs a much more assertive almost alpha male. We are well past the jealousy era so we opened up our marriage but clearly understanding that it was not a relationship. The men were friends Mrs M had the right to choose and take them but I was not. I loved that. We always talked and shared. Now we are older this need has gone it’s way but we do not regret it at all. Thanks Emma for discussing this. Mrs M and b