Why are sexual needs so difficult for us to talk about? If you are hungry, you talk about how to satiate your hunger. If you are bored, you talk about exciting activities to do together. There are so many couples who have reached a point of stagnation in their relationship. They've become best friends, and her spark of lust has changed. She no longer looks at him lustfully because the limerence period is over. Many couples look to cheat or build up resentment for their partner.
Men have a deep emotional need to feel validated and this comes in many forms but the biggest form for most men is to know that their partner is sexually satisfied. In the male mind, a sexually satisfied partner is animalistically attracted to him and can't get enough. Guess what, that animalistic attraction is a chemical reaction and it is impossible to sustain with any permanence in a relationship. If you constantly seek it out, you will find yourself hopping from one relationship to the next while never finding a long term emotional bond with a partner.
In your day-to-day life you meet guys whom you find attractive and you may even fantasize about what it would be like to be intimate with. You watch porn, knowing that hung guy with dark hair, chiseled chin and ripped abs is off-limits to you. You think about him while you masturbate and you wonder what he would feel like, intertwined with you. Your husband is nowhere in this fantasy but why should he be? This is YOUR fantasy after all.
In fact, you might be surprised at the fantasies your guy has. The limerence period is far less important to the male sex drive and he still yearns for you in the way you yearned for him at the beginning of your relationship. He wants you intimately and he wants you often. He loves you and he feels a deep need for you to be satisfied. If he knows that intimacy with him isn't crossing your t's and dotting your i's he may even want to watch you with someone to satiate your chemistry.
I'd love to watch her satisfied by another man, watching her physically satisfied is a beautiful thing and she deserves to have her fantasies satisfied. Doing this with my blessing would make me feel like I provided the sexual satisfaction in a round about way. I wish I could tell her but I worry she would think I don't love her if I am willing to share her. The exact opposite is the truth! If did not love and trust her as much as I do, there is no way that I would be willing to share her.
Men can see the sexual attraction diminish in longer term relationships as the bond goes from physical to emotional. The number one fantasy for married men in relationships of 10+ years is to watch their wife with another man. …
So cuckolding is a natural way how the relationships may evolve as the lust is wearing off and her sexual needs increasingly remain unsatisfied. Then does he need to accept himself as a beta male to be put in chastity? Who you feel should initiate the change to the cuckolding relationships?
Hey @hotNwife I think it is an important distinction that cuckolding is A natural way, not THE natural way. Cuckolding is not the best path for every relationship but it can be a good path for many relationships. If your connection with him feels like it is purely emotional, you either need to change your dynamic to be more passionate or supplement the emotional connection with a purely physical one.
Who should initiate the change? Both partners reap the rewards of a happy and fulfilled relationship so the burden of self awareness is on both of your shoulders. He needs to be in tune with your needs and comfortable enough to try new things with you. You need to be aware of the reasons behind your libido and feelings of passion in the relationship. You both need to communicate and understand your needs and give yourself the runway to try things that may seem different or potentially uncomfortable.
Does he need to accept himself as a beta male? I don’t think having an emotional connection with a partner would make him a beta male. I think very strong alpha male types can make excellent partners in a female led relationship. Any man can be in touch with his emotions fostering a deep bond with his partner and that need not define any other characteristics of his personality.
This:
“I think it is an important distinction that cuckolding is A natural way, not THE natural way. Cuckolding is not the best path for every relationship but it can be a good path for many relationships.”
combined with this:
“He needs to be in tune with your needs and comfortable enough to try new things with you. You need to be aware of the reasons behind your libido and feelings of passion in the relationship. You both need to communicate and understand your needs and give yourself the runway to try things that may seem different or potentially uncomfortable.”
do an incredible job of summarizing/explaining my thoughts on cuckolding. I’ve evolved. (See what I did there?) I’m a “very strong alpha type” that I believe makes an excellent partner to my wife, Ms. K., in our glorious Wife Led Marriage. I’ve evolved from being a husband that would’ve been NOT at all OK with any thought or consideration of Ms. K. having sex with another man, even in the context of our then burgeoning WLM. As we have become seasoned in our lifestyle, my thoughts have changed from NO WAY, to if she decided that was something she wanted in our marriage, I would support her in it.
Over the years of our WLM (12+), I only now ever want whatever would please her sexually, even if there were to mean sex with another man. Her happiness and bliss are all I ever hoped to be able to help provide for her from the very beginning. I thought long and hard about it before approaching her back then to consider this lifestyle. Among other things, the difference being that now, her deciding to have another lover is no longer a hard limit. In fact, not even a soft limit. We have grown in our love for each other and the depths of trust and love we feel for each other have allowed me to find comfort in her trusting her completely if she were to take on another man (or woman) as a lover.
Of we would communicate thoroughly and deeply if she were to evolve in that direction, but for me, her joy and pleasure is what matters to me the most. It’s truly what I live for.
Emma, “hanging around” you for the past several years has taught me so much. Who knows where our rapidly accelerated journey will take us, but I am committed to helping her find joy and bliss every step of the way.
cuckolding is A natural way, not THE natural way.
Yes to this also!
This is ever so timely and well written, I love sharing your site with my husband and then spending time discussing your blogs. We discussed this blog and agree with this one completely!
He is my sole mate and we are best friends but the flame of passion started to flicker out. I still need him sexually but in way that supports a loving emotional bond. I want a more passionate sex but I want an emotional sex from my husband. Its like im not going to go running in heels but I still want to wear my heels for other things. Sometimes I want to go running.
We had an experience in a hotel where played with my husband and another man. It was a huge tease for Val (my husband) and I really enjoyed the confidents that it gave me. I did some teasing with my husband and he admitted that he never felt more aroused than watching me with another guy. Val was worried that I would get feelings for the other man but it is not about that. There is no emotional connection but feeling the passion of another guy made me feel alive. There is no way I could of gone through with it if Val wasn’t there with me because I would have second guessed or thought maybe his feelings would have hurt.
We only did it once but I think it is both of our biggest fantasy come true. It re awakened the feelings in our relaitonship and I scratched that itch for both of us. I know I will do it again but we may not seek it out exactly. Just you (my internet friends),Val, the other guy and my best friend since college know about it. If you can’t have fun and be sexually playful with your partner you might as well call your relationship dead and join reddit deadbedroom
This site is all about pushing boundaries and having fun with each other, I felt so much guilt but getting over the guilt and being my sexual confidents self is the best for me and Val says I am a different person.
Love this! Thank you @Bella909
You are absolutely right. I don’t much care if you are 18 or 81, play is key to any relationship. A relationship without play is dead indeed. Check out this blog for some of my thoughts about a playful relationship.
Miss Emma, this makes a lot of sense based on what I’ve seen with my Wife and our “FLR-Poly” relationship, as I have definitely been able to notice a pattern with Karin, regarding new partners.
Karin and I have been together about 11 years and married for four. Sex with Karin is always amazing. But being with Her that first month or so after a She has an encounter with someone new is just at another level, whether it is Her with a new man, or both of us with a new couple or new woman. She is more passionate, more playful, just more “Her” than usual.
She is definitely energized after someone new comes into Her life, and I get to feel that energy second-hand. It must be at least twice as intense for Her, as She literally glows with excitement. I think a lot of Her excitement comes from the reassurance that at 64 years old, She can both capture the attention of, and bed, men in their 20s.
But after some time, the relationship with the outside partner(s) no longer seems to bring Her the thrill that it once did. When it’s an M/F couple we’re swinging with, the duration of the “partnership” with the other couple is usually about a year to 18 months. When She is with another man, the partnership is even shorter, from a single night to 6 months or so.
I also get a bit of a new-relationship kick from when we first meet a new swinging couple or Karin brings a new lady friend of Hers into our relationship. But it’s virtually nothing compared to what She gets from a new man.
New partners are always Karin’s choice, both who and when. She has told me that Her best friend Joanne will be moving in with us come September, and that I should expect significant changes. She hasn’t elaborated, other than telling me our first act as an official threesome will be for me to be pegged by both women at the same time.
Well Emma, your opinion about cuckolding has certainly evolved!
I say this as you have expressed legitimate doubts about the hobby in the past only to have done your homework very well and found the key elements that lead up to this evolution in a long term relationship.
What a great way to avoid the pitfalls of serial monogamy and the casualties it leaves behind. Nature drives us to question our cultural conditioning creating more stress and self loathing. Here is an outlet that brings greater joy and adventure in life! True, not for all, and as the Greeks would hint, “nothing in excess.”
Your style of cuckolding includes a much more advanced or evolved form in that it adds chastity and pegging. This helps to keep his wandering hands away from genitals so they are available for more productive tasks while she is busy with a lover. Too many cuckolds loose their passion and interest and experience negative feelings if they ejaculate before or while during her encounter with a lover. This is cuckold advice 101 for men new to the pursuit.
Over at the “Our Hot Wives” forums, there is a wide spectrum of half open marriages mostly male initiated. Many different camps and styles, but the cuckold section is the most open minded and includes the choices you have mentioned.
My biggest cheer while reading this essay is that you understand the fundamentals that lead couples to this lifestyle. A super simple and easy to digest summary of what nature gives us and how we can embrace it in a positive and mature way.
Thank you!
“Over at the “Our Hot Wives” forums, ….”
May I ask where to find this?
ourhotwives.org Much to read as a non-member, even more if you join. There is also a women’s only forum that members can join with a verification. Of all the sites on the web that serve this interest, this is what I have found to be most level headed.
Thanks man. I’m going to take a look … and I’ll keep an open mind … but I might still think this site is the most level-headed. Just sayin. *wink
Thank you! I think there is an evolution that a couple must do together before it is a viable option. For many couples it will never be a viable option and for some it will. I am also interested about the “Our Hot Wives” forum. I love to get more and different perspectives.
The site is called evolvingyourman but I’d be an idiot if I didn’t evolve as well. To evolve and learn is to be human. I wouldn’t even go as far as to say that I was wrong before. It was right for us at that time.
Thanks!
There are many paths couples can take. Having those choices is so much better for us in these “modern times.” Being able to talk about them as a couple calmly and confidently strengthens the relationship and increases trust, even if it is something neither can imagine doing (for now?). Communication builds a stronger bond in a couple. Interests ebb and flow over time as work and family demands compete with fun times. Being open minded and adaptive helps relationships survive and evolve.
This makes sense. I really love how you take things back to what our bodies are telling us to do versus how WE can choose to live our lives. Live your life for you and not ten thousand years of evolution.
It even is tough to not be resentful about lack of attraction after a long term with a partner. It is his fault I am not attracted to him. He doesn’t work out enough. He no longer has chivalry opening doors or those sorts. I think accepting that even if he does those things our desire for long term partners can wane. No matter of whos fault it may be and it is easy to push blame rather than pulling him closer. Just an observation to share with you. Much love.