A Gendered Perspective on Ethical Non Monogamy (ENM): Why Men and Women Have Very Different Experiences

Men and women often experience ethical non monogamy (ENM) very differently. Our personal experiences all shape how we approach relationships, intimacy, and commitment. From a young age, we’re fed different messages about love and sex—men are encouraged to "conquer," while women are taught to "be chosen." These ingrained beliefs don’t just disappear when we step into ethical non monogamous relationships; they influence how we navigate them, what we seek, and what defines a fulfilling relationship.

For men, especially those who married early - non monogamous relationships are a confidence boost and a chance to step into social validation they may not have felt earlier in life. They often approach it with a sense of adventure, excited by the idea of more attention, status, and sexual variety. Having multiple partners can reinforce their internal desirability, making them feel attractive and powerful in a way they might not have before. It’s not just about sex—it’s about feeling seen, wanted, and valued.

Women, on the other hand, often find value in ethical non monogamy with a lens of desirability, emotional connection, and personal empowerment. For many of us, exploring multiple relationships isn’t just about having options—it’s about owning our sexuality, embracing our worth, and stepping into a dynamic where we call the shots (clearly I like this part). There’s something intoxicating about knowing you’re desired, not because society tells you to wait for a man to choose you, but because you’re actively choosing yourself. These differences don’t mean men and women can’t thrive in ENM together—they just highlight why our motivations and experiences can be very different.

When men and women recognize and embrace these differences, ethical non monogamy can become a dynamic where both partners thrive—where men get the confidence boost they crave, and women feel the intoxicating power of desirability. ENM can create a space where both partners lift each other up rather than compete for external attention or validation. A man who feels more confident in himself becomes more attractive to his partner, and a woman who feels truly desired steps into a power that deepens their connection. This is often why you see highly compatible ENM relationships evolve into polyamory—when both partners’ motivations align, and they find fulfillment not just in external connections but in how those connections strengthen their bond with others. It’s less about replacing what’s missing and more about expanding what’s already there, turning their relationship into places of growth where dynamics are ever fluid and evolving.

For men, ethical non monogamy often aligns with social status and personal confidence. Younger men, especially in their 20s, may struggle to attract partners as they build their careers, social standing, and emotional intelligence. However, as they enter their 30s and 40s, their desirability tends to increase due to financial stability, leadership qualities, and confidence.

A 22-year-old man for example, has a limited dating pool, mostly attracting women within a few years of his age who are still exploring their independence. Many young women seek partners with confidence and stability—qualities most men in their early 20s are still developing. In contrast, a 42-year-old man has far more options, appealing to women in their 20s, 30s, and beyond due to his maturity, life experience, emotional intelligence and established confidence. If he’s taken care of himself and built a fulfilling life, he’s often more desirable than he was in his 20s, making his dating prospects significantly broader.…