Quit feeling guilty about sex!

Quit feeling guilty about sex!

For women it seems like sex and guilt go hand in hand. If we sleep with him too soon, we feel guilty. If we sleep with too many guys, we feel guilty. If we don't sleep with our boyfriend enough, we feel guilty. Most sexual guilt is self imposed and you may be guilty of some of it yourself. To experience true sexual confidence, we must rid ourselves of years of societally imposed sexual guilt.

When we are young, virginity is a virtue and once we lose our virginity we must overcome the shame of doing so. Learning to physically enjoy sex and embrace arousal isn't an easy process for most of us. Couple that with overcoming deep levels of guilt for actually wanting to be sexual it is a wonder anyone actually does it. Except maybe for the fact that it feels good. Once we feel like we get a grasp on sex and have a committed partner, he (or she) may guilt us into having more sex than we want. Perhaps guilt us for wanting a different type of sex or a not wanting a certain flavor of sex. We need to teach our children sex positivity and not burden them with years of guilt which they must unlearn. Get them on birth control when they are young and experimenting. Encourage safe experimentation and exploration of their own bodies with toys and masturbation.

Once we are in a relationship and have a committed partner we can feel guilty if our sexual desire isn't completely on par with their. We can feel guilty for wanting it too much or wanting it too little. We feel guilty and ashamed about sharing fantasies with our partner. Women crave newness in a relationship and crave variety but we feel guilty about finding ways to experience those feelings. One of my best friends jumps from relationship to relationship because she craves the newness that exists in the first six months. When the newness dies, her interest wavers and she has lost a few wonderful partners because of it. Why must we feel shame and guilt about sex parts and why is sexual desire such a negative thing?

What if sex in a relationship is bad? We feel guilty about telling our partner that we are losing interest. What if we hurt his feelings? There are plenty of relationships that are great aside from lackluster sex life. Why must we destroy a wonderful relationship with resentment because we refuse to talk about what is missing? Talk to each other about your sex life and every few months honestly rate your sex life on a scale of one to ten. Is your sex life a four? A two? A ten? None of those answers should be guilt inducing. If your sex life is a two, figure out what the two of you can do to fix things. Can you spice things up with toys or perhaps a fantasy or two? Is he open to chastity or perhaps pegging? Give them a try to kick things into overdrive. Why on earth would you feel any guilt for bringing any of those topics up. What if you've had feelings about another guy? Do you keep it a secret and cheat or do you openly tell him that you have feelings that you want to explore. We all feel chemistry from unexpected places and at unexpected times.

Make your own rules and don't assume that he will follow the exact same rules of monogamy as your grandmother did. There is a very good chance that he wants you to be as happy as possible, most guys really and genuinely do. Give him the chance by communicating your needs. Do you want to feel something bigger, perhaps more muscular? Maybe it isn't about the physical form at all, perhaps you just want to feel the sexual chemistry of a new connection.

Sorry about my rant. I've been talking to someone about her feelings of sexual guilt and it threw me into a mental state that I needed to write about. Writing helps me sort through things and stops me from dwelling on things that I cannot change.…

What is Small Penis Humiliation (SPH)?

What is Small Penis Humiliation (SPH)?

I've been trying to become more active on my twitter and I've come across yet another artist that I love and want to share with you. @burdle does some awesome sketches about chastity and small penis humiliation that really bring out the emotion and the fantasy of this popular fetish. I'll be sprinkling a few of his sketches in with this blog, please check out his twitter if you like these work, he has tons of great stuff just like them. A big thanks for letting me use them!

SPH or small penis humiliation is a fetish that is popular among many men because the penis is so closely related to his perception of his own vitality and manliness. Since pleasing a woman is important to most men, a larger member seems like it would be the key to being able to satisfy a woman. Fetishes are the body's way of turning pain into pleasure. In some cases, this is physical pain and other cases it is emotional pain. This can be feelings of powerlessness turning into chastity or bondage fetishes. The body actually makes those feelings feel arousing which helps as a coping mechanism and actually makes us seek out our greatest fear for the arousal that it inspires.

Men produce more sperm, have more forceful ejaculations and have higher testosterone when they feel competitive to other men. SPH and associated fetishes play directly into the theory of sperm competition and give the man an enormous rush. Despite feeling humiliated, men with a SPH fetish will likely get very hard when you play with this fetish. Start with some gentle teasing and push it as you watch his responses. There is really no harm from playing with this fetish if you go slowly and remind him afterwards that he is more than enough man for you. Aftercare, as it were.

This is something deeply rooted in the male psyche, we all know that penis size alone is certainly not the determining factor in the selection of a boyfriend or husband. I personally think that penis size plays some sort of part in the formative years of a man and the way he relates to women. If he has a huge one, every sexual experience was probably accompanied by ooh's and aah's as his partners examined the monster unfolding in front of their eyes. That validation time and time again probably fueled a massive amount of confidence about his sexual prowess. On the flip size, men with smaller ones probably developed more emotional relationships prior to unboxing their goods once they realized that it wasn't going to garner the oohs and aahs of their larger counterparts.

To men I think size determines their sexual confidence. Men with large ones feel proud and men with smaller ones feel ashamed. While from personal experience I know that a larger one absolutely does not guarantee a good time, it does seem to offer a different type of sex. I wrote a blog some time back where I professed to like the smaller ones better. I'll save you the reading but I find that I am capable of a deeper connection with a man with a normal sized penis. A larger penis might be fun for a fling or a one night stand but I don't feel like Mr. Big Penis is capable of a deep intimate connection like Mr. Normal Penis might be. Do I have proof of my assumption? Absolutely not, it is drawn from a sample size of me and a few friends that I've discussed this topic with. …

Husbands: You are not enough

Husbands: You are not enough

As I learn more about my sexuality and about how both males and females are wired, I have to question our society's husband and wife normative. I understand that the world is roughly equal in terms of the ratio of males (50.4%) and females (49.6%). With that ratio, a 1:1 pair bonded ratio makes sense from a societal perspective but for the sake of conversation, let's ignore that for the moment.

I know it isn't popular to talk about but most women need more communication. I personally feel like I need constant reassurance and conversation. Kev knows this and is absolutely fine with conversation but I am typically the one who initiates it. If he is sitting there and not talking, my first reaction is that he is upset or perhaps that I should be upset with him about something. I always overthink things and I usually catch myself before I get too deep into thought but without communication, I almost immediately assume that something is wrong. When I was living with two fellas, there was always someone talking to me. I know it sounds silly and perhaps needy but when I was engaged in communication twice as frequently and it left my mind less time to overthink.

Our relationship with a third wasn't always threesomes, sometimes it was spent connecting one on one. I love those one on one connections and the intimacy. My communication with Kev was constantly reassuring as he wasn't present for some of that connection time with Andrew but I personally think that making time for everyone is important. Kev needed to feel that intimate connection and know that my love for him was as strong as ever. Andrew needed reassurance that our passionate connection was as strong and exciting as it had been in the beginning.

Women can handle more than one man in a sexual experience. Men cannot. Now I know that the FMF threesome is probably more prevalent than the MFM threesome but the variant with two women doesn't typically result in the sexual satisfaction of both of those women. Likely neither of them would leave the scenario with their lust fully satiated unless of course they engage each other sexually. The threesome with two men and one woman almost certainly guarantees that the woman will be satiated and men rarely leave this type of scenario without an orgasm.

Credit: Razornick

While threesomes come to mind when we are talking about sex among three people it isn't always the case. While it is true that we shared one bed, we wouldn't always cuddle together as a throuple (such a weird word). In some cases, I'd cuddle Kev and in other cases, Andrew would cuddle me. Sometimes we would just be a huge mess of arms, legs, penises and boobs. I am a huge cuddler and I absolutely love to hold or be held at night. I never seemed to have an issues finding someone that was willing to give me my sweet cuddle-fix. …

Sitting One Out: You Don’t Always Need to Participate

Sitting One Out: You Don’t Always Need to Participate

There is a relationship between all emotions but compersion and jealousy have one of the most unique. Jealousy is a beast of an emotion since jealousy in the context of a relationship produces many secondary emotions such as fear, suspicion, rage and humiliation. Compersion on the other hand is joy and empathy in the happiness of others.

Many emotions can trigger or be triggered by jealousy such as possessiveness, inadequacy, low self esteem, control issues or even vulnerability and fear. If you don't have a rock solid relationship and you are watching your partner in a sexual situation with another, there will likely be a level of fear related to losing your partner. I feel like the existence of jealousy is an indication that the relationship exists on a weak foundation. Frequent communication about feelings and directly addressing insecurities can help solidify a weak foundation.

For deeply emotional relationships, many men and women are able to experience pleasure when the other partner experiences pleasure or joy. Feelings of compersion can be attached to watching a partner win an award, receive a promotion at work or it can be attached to physical feelings like relaxation, massage or even sex and orgasm. In and my relationship, one of the best examples of compersion is when Kev is locked and I don't feel like having penetrative sex. Sometimes I am just fine with pulling my rabbit from the nightstand for some solo adventures into manual stimulation land. Sometimes this starts with some oral stimulation from my favorite guy and sometimes it doesn't. It usually involves Kev sitting on the side of the bed or in the desk chair on the far side of the room watching. Do I like an audience? Absolutely! Knowing that I am the object of Kev's affection and knowing how much he enjoys watching me arch my back and body tense and relax with an orgasm or two is deeply arousing. I know with his big guy locked up, his attention and subsequent satisfaction aren't related to his on his own pleasure. His satisfaction is derived from watching my sexual experiences and watching waves of dopamine course through my body. How hot is that? A partner that is so focused on my pleasure that he derives his own pleasure from it? Yes please!

You can't talk about compersion in a relationship without talking about the cuckold relationship. I personally don't like the term cuckold so I don't like to use it to describe our relationship. We have a monogamous relationship that sometimes includes others, a bit of consensual non-monogamy. Let's call it poly-friending. I view the term cuckold as derogatory because it implies that the sexual experiences of the female are without the awareness and approval of the male partner. This is never the case for us, we are an open book of communication both sexual and otherwise.

Men are very driven by physically sexual feelings. By watching, it redirects him to get his fulfillment in a more emotional way. Rather than watching me and and touching himself when he gets aroused, watching while he is locked allows him to get lost in my pleasure. It allows him to separate the deeply physical connection that men have with their penises and experience sex on a more emotional level. The emotional disconnect that our society imposes on men is detrimental to self-awareness, communication and emotional pleasure. Opening new doors and windows into pleasure centers in the male psyche simultaneously complicates and simplifies their ability to experience pleasure in the context of a relationship.

From a female perspective, it isn't a straight comparison since many of the same emotions are different between genders. The drive to please isn't as strong from women to men as it is from men to women. A man who feels that he has a sexually satisfied wife feels like he has satisfied her in all other aspects. This of course is rarely the case as we are great at compartmentalizing. It also help dispel the rumor that a sexually satisfied wife is an emotionally satisfied wife, like men we are complex creatures and we are capable of being either, neither or both when it comes to emotional and physical satisfaction. It also adds credence to the fact that we shouldn't feel so obligated as partners to completely fulfill every sexual and emotional need. Sometimes we really are not enough and that should be ok. Kev is not emotional enough to be my only emotional connection. I have girlfriends who are far more emotional than he could ever hope to be. Does that make him any less of a partner? Does that make him any less of a man? Absolutely not. I don't want him any other way.…

Why are so many men afraid of doing anything sexual around other men?

Why are so many men afraid of doing anything sexual around other men?

My boyfriend Kev and I invited our mutual friend Andrew to stay with us for what we expected to be a few months. A few months turned in to nearly a year but we had a great time! We really did have a great time together and we all seemed to mesh well together, both in and out of the bedroom. One of the things that created an odd dynamic is the pseudo-gay-cooties that the two fellas indirectly expressed at the beginning. Our society has such a different view of homosexuality depending on gender. If two women kiss, they are just flirting or having fun but if two men kiss they are gay. Why is it that two men involved in a sexual experience together is somehow gay? Are they scared? Intimidated? Are they afraid that they will be turned on by each other?

Each time the two guys would get naked in front of each other, there would be an aura of awkwardness and they would refuse to make eye contact, instead directing my attention toward me. Now don't get me wrong, I am an whore for attention and I ate that up for our first dozen or two encounters together but after a while the tension between the two guys started to make things weird. They always made sure to be on opposite sides with me as a buffer between them and it made things less fun. I didn't really notice the subconscious dance that the two of them were doing to stay away from each other yet close to me. Eventually I'd had enough so we did something absolutely crazy. Are you ready for this? We communicated about it! I asked them to sit with me in bed, all three of us were nude. I started by asking them both if they were gay. Both guys of course responded that they were not gay. I asked both of them to give each other three compliments about the other's naked body. After a few compliments from both guys about butts abs and penises, I asked them if they felt weird being naked around each other. Both guys stuttered a bit with their responses and clearly they did. I asked them both what they liked about watching the other fuck me. We got some more responses, more sexual this time. Andrew asked what I was hoping to get with the line of questioning, was I looking to have the two guys hook up? He seemed a bit annoyed but I explained that I was just looking to get over the awkwardness. I told him that I wouldn't mind if they wanted to hook up in whatever context that meant. Oral, touching, anal, I am just looking for everyone to enjoy each other. I do enjoy watching two guys touch. As many men like watching lesbian porn, I enjoy watching gay porn. Two beautiful men, pleasing each other? Yes please. I'm not intent on making anyone stretch any sexual barriers but if they feel comfortable enough to do so, I would encourage it. I just want to break down the invisible wall of awkwardness in the bedroom and allow them to explore sexuality in a no judgement zone.

I asked Kev what he liked about watching Andrew and I. Kev responded that he liked watching me orgasm while Andrew fucked me, he felt like he could share in the genuine pleasure that I was feeling. I asked the same to Andrew about watching Kev and I. Interestingly Andrew responded that he really enjoyed watching me peg Kev. He said that it was one of the most intimate things that he had ever seen. I feel the same way and it made me smile to know that it looked as sexy to him as it feels to me. Andrew also said that he found the chastity and teasing dynamic that Kev and I enjoy together fascinating and incredibly erotic. He felt incredibly powerful, dominant and lucky when he and I were together while Kev was locked.

I asked both guys if they would humor me with a little bit of awkwardness-reduction play. They looked at me, visibly nervous both both agreed. I directed them to sit across from each other naked while playing with themselves. Once they were both hard, I got between them and helped by taking both of them into my mouth, rubbing both of their cocks together in the process. They didn't back away despite their slight swordplay. I pulled them both out of my mouth and asked them to reach down and stroke each other. Both of them reluctantly complied and they were half heartedly tugging on each other. I stepped back, put my hand over my mouth and jokingly commented, "Look, it didn't turn you gay!" All three of us laughed and I think they got the point. We hopped into bed and had a much less awkward heterosexual romp in the sheets together.

Previous to this discussion, most of our conversations were about jealousy and top dog/alpha male type issues which we needed to squash right away. Those types of issues were absolute deal breakers to the type of situation that we were all hoping for. Some friendly male competition is alright but I didn't want anything toxic in the bedroom. Kev went through a few days where he felt that Andrew was a threat to our relationship. Andrew went through a few days where he got possessive of me. Both guys didn't love the fact that I didn't necessarily want group sex every time since that means someone is the odd man out. Eventually both of them got used to sitting on the bench from time to time.

So how did it go? How did things change after addressing the elephant in the bedroom? Yes, things slowly got better, I didn't turn either of them gay or bisexual and that of course wasn't my intention. I don't need them to become heterosexual or even heteroflexible but I needed to address the awkwardness. Once they realized that neither of them was going to magically become gay by smacking the other's butt or giving a friendly stroke or two, the tension simply evaporated. After a while, night time cuddles didn't always require that I lay in the middle as the no-homo buffer. I got both guys to agree to try a few things outside of their comfort zones but that is a story for a different blog.…

My Husband Wants to Share Me

My Husband Wants to Share Me

My husband said that he wants to share me, what do I do? This is a question I get pretty frequently and although it may seem alarming, it almost always comes from a good place. The question itself is becoming more and more common and is almost always initiated by the man. Before we get down to the actual question, let's do some research together.

The sperm competition theory is the theory that sperm inseminated into a female are competing amongst each other as well as sperm which were inseminated by another male. We are essentially saying that women have evolved to have multiple partners inseminate her. As a culture and through religious ideals, we've decided that monogamy is the cultural norm for us. Research shows that women's libidos flatline when they are in a long-term relationship but the same doesn't happen for men.

There is an entire subreddit dedicated to deadbedrooms which is a support group for people who are lacking in sexual intimacy. This is certainly a mix of both sexually dissatisfied men and women but the majority are male. Men and women get married for many reasons including security, stability, child rearing and sex is certainly one of the reasons. Few go into a marriage with the expectation of not having sex so when things change, partners often question why things changed. Resentment, infidelity, porn, financial reasons; the list of things that can pull a couple apart are endless.

The idea of taking another partner goes against much of what women are taught as we are growing up and random hookups go against much of what we actually need sexually. Men are typically fine with no strings attached sex but women need some emotional attachment to enjoy it. Because of the fact that our bodies can bear children, our minds require a level of emotional attachment for arousal to occur. The emotional attachment is the challenge for us, not getting you into bed. On the flip side, the challenge for men is getting us into bed. We are wired differently and that is ok.

How can we cope with a dwindling libido especially when the love for our partner grows stronger with each passing day? Our ability to show love in a physical sense can taper off after time. Many men make the incorrect assumption that the butterflies of newness women feel are the same as love and they are very wrong. I can love my boyfriend but feel intense butterflies about someone else. Have you ever sat at a bar, flirting with someone new and felt intense chemistry? That chemistry is your body telling you that you might be sexually compatible with someone.

When you've been married to someone for half a century, you don't need your body to tell you that you are compatible with that person. You stop flirting with each other and those feelings go away and that is ok. Getting those butterflies back is something many couples desperately try and force but it isn't happening. Those butterflies are a chemical reaction and it is impossible to bring newness back to a relationship. You can rekindle your relationship and you can take wonderful adventures but trying to create newness is an exercise in futility. You aren't new anymore. Deal with it.…

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