Male chastity and submission
A small message to compare once again our points of view and our experiences.
I notice that many of you gentlemen call your wives/girlfriends mistresses which leads me to wonder how your couple works?
I have never, for my part, considered my husband as a submissive, I have never called him a "valet" or asked him to call me mistress (well, in fact, it happens a few times but more during sexual games between us).
From my point of view, my man, chaste and caged, is not inferior to me, he is my equal and has simply entrusted me with the power to manage his sexuality, a power that I use and abuse sometimes, but isn't that what you expect from us when you give us the role of keyholder?
My husband, before chastity, was what you might call a modern man, contributing to the household chores and actively participating in the education of our child. Chastity has not brought a new division of labour into our lives, although sometimes I use the power of the key to assign him a few extra household chores that I am lazy enough to do myself (Matt is now an ironing pro!).
All this to say that in our lives, chastity has mostly brought a better communication within our couple, a more fulfilled sexuality for both of us and a better understanding of our expectations and fantasies.
However in no case would I take pleasure in using the power that has been entrusted to me to belittle him or to make him feel inferior to me. I know that I would not live well with the fact that he continually calls me mistress. I am not trying to impose a gynarchic model on my relationship, but perhaps I am an exception...
What about you ?
For our part my wife is not a fan of Mistress, she hates it in fact. I do use a few different honorifics but they are less severe and more respectful pet names than anything else. She is however the leader of our marriage in an undisputed manner. Not in a dominant way, she is loving and tender, if insistent on things being done her way. We don't have a set of rules that we follow for our relationship but I know what my rough expectations are and if specific things need to be done they often get delegated to me. With the path our life has taken us on we have both come to the realization that she has a better vision and drive of the two of us. It made no sense for me to try and push myself into a role that she fills better just because it is still what society expects of men to a large degree.(I wonder if the women's rights movement would gain more ground trying to convince men it's okay to go against what is expected of them by society.)
While it seems there is an imbalance of power it evens out well. I run the day to day operations of our home and family as the stay at home dad for our son, I do every household task and my wife either relaxes or watches our son if she is home. It is a balance because she works a 50 hour week and works a rotating schedule, if she had to worry about household concerns as well there would be no time or energy for us to enjoy each other.
It is much easier to maintain my focus on her and our home when she keeps me locked. Without that I tend to lose focus and chores fall by the wayside too often and things become out of balance. Chastity has also fostered better daily communication and a significantly improved emotional connection.
We don't have a Gynarchal relationship, and she does not like to demean me, we both just came to the conclusion that there is no reason to do things a certain way just because that's how it was done.
She is a better leader but needs more energy to get things done, I have bountiful energy and little direction. It made sense to us, and ultimately that's what matters.
Thanks for coming back @vikter.
That's kind of the way I feel, too.
I was already the manager of our couple before chastity came into our lives (I have always been the most organized of the two of us, whether in the management of money or of everyday life).
For me, chastity has really brought a plus in the sexual domain of our couple (both in the practices and in our ability to communicate our respective expectations in terms of sexuality). To put it in a nutshell, chastity allowed me to understand more correctly a man with whom I had been living with for more than 10 years. To better understand his desires, his expectations in terms of sex and by extrapolation to live better and no longer have to hide my own desires.
Is my husband submissive to me for all that ? To a certain extent certainly because I am the one who controls his sexuality.
Am I abusing this power to establish my authority over him? No, because that would be disrespectful to a man I love.
However, like any power, the power to hold the key is exhilarating and one must know how to use it intelligently. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going too far in our games, because I know that a man who is caged and properly stimulated can hardly refuse you anything.
But I don't want to take control of my husband. I want him to have a fulfilling emotional and sexual life just like me.
One of the confusing things about discussion surrounding kinks is human need to define things a certain way based on what we know or even just on how we perceive it. I have found that those that are emerging into their kinks initially feel as though they must fit into a particular pre-determined mold that has been defined by someone else, as if there is some universal requirement that they "do it right". Words have meanings, yes, but words also have different meanings to different people and as such, there are many variations on how those words get defined.
Take the word chastity for instance. Mostly everyone here on this site uses the word universally to mean chastity cage, when in fact the word chastity is defined as (from Websters)
Hello @subhubphx and thank you for coming back.
I can't imagine your mistress, or goddess (or whatever you want to call her) necessarily dressed in leather and armed with a whip or a riding crop.
However, as you rightly point out, words do have meaning. The word "mistress" as we understand it is defined in the dictionary as :
1 / Person who takes care of a domestic animal.
2/ Slave owner.
What I am pointing out, without calling into question the relationship that you and your wife may have (who would I be to judge it), is simply the fact that in my own relationship I do not consider my husband to be inferior to me, to be an animal or to be my slave. I regard him as my equal.
Based on this observation, I can only bless your relationship if each of you is happy in your respective roles. I like my role as a keyholder because I think it makes me a better woman and mother, a better wife and our couple is stronger in this configuration.
Now everyone is free to live their sexuality as they wish.
I'm just saying that I wouldn't necessarily want a man who is only interested in my pleasure. Just as you say that your happiness today is to give pleasure to your mistress, my happiness is to share in an equitable way (well, let's say a little more for me anyway) the sexual pleasure with my husband.
It all comes down to personal meaning and connection, my wife does not like Mistress not because of preconceived opinions about the women. Rather she does not like the connotation that it carried in past games we played so when control shift truly to here she did not want it used. I could take it or leave it, but had few other reference points early in our relationship.
You and you Mistress Wife have found a title that holds the meaning she desires and reinforces your intent to serve her as she expects. What we call the expression for that desire and intent doesn't matter to me. Just that it works for the parties involved in the way they want.
Glad you have found a way to stay happy and close. However you get there people just need more of that these days.
Thanks for the kinds words Vikter. Couldn't agree more. In the end, a husband that has a level of devotion to his wife that pleases her is what matters. This site and its contributors (Emma of course, @Ruined- Julie, you and others) do a marvelous job in articulating the reasons why .. how. I'm really enjoying this place.
I don't care for the word mistress either because of the leather clad dominatrix connotation, at least in my head. I DO however consider Kevin to be submissive but only to me. He isn't a beta male or some sort of subservient bitch boy. I would grow weary of a partner like that. Kevin is my equal but when making most of our decisions when we reach an impasse, we almost always defer to my judgement. Does that make him any less of a partner? No, I don't think so. He understands that any decision that I make isn't done for selfish reasons but for the betterment of our relationship. We are a couple, a pair and a team. If he protests a decision that I make, it will absolutely be strongly reconsidered.
Very well said Emma, and thank you for pointing out that there is a difference between a submissive Kevin in general, and a submissive Kevin only to you. There are some (not me) that believe a submissive man somehow is or needs to be submissive to all women. Like Kevin, I am also not a subservient bitch boy, even within the context of our relationship and neither of us want to turn me into a passive pile of submissiveness. Also like your relationship with Kevin, whenever we reach and impasse, we always also defer to My Wife's decision.
As an aside, her final decision authority comes in very handy when and if we ever find ourselves at the threshold of an argument. If one begins to develop, Mistress K. is supremely capable and willing to stop it in its tracks and without exception, when that happens I know where the line is and that line is not crossed. She doesn't make selfish decisions. She makes decision based on what is best for us and for her, not necessarily in that order. I love her dearly for it.
Thank you again for this incredible blog.
Thank you for your input, Emma.
It allows me to bring out certain points in my own relationship.
I think my relation with Matt is in some ways quite similar to your relationship with Kevin.
As I've said before, I don't consider Matt to be subservient or inferior. However, just like you, I am still the decision-maker in our relationship and in case of a dispute I know (and he also knows) that I will have the last word. So to a certain extent Matt is certainly subject to me as well.
Finally, by reading you again and extrapolating everyone's feedback, we can come to the conclusion that most chaste men (caged or on the honor system) are submissive. The degree of submission simply varies in relation to the relationship with her partner and the latter's own vision of the desired degree of submission (in my case I try to keep our couple at an equal level).
Very nicely said @Ruined-Julie. The whole inferior - superior aspect of anyone's relationship is unique to that relationship. Clearly there are men that wish to be considered inferior for reasons that are there own. For me personally and more importantly for my wife, I don't understand the attraction for those men or their Wife, but if it makes them happy then i support their happiness.
My wife doesn't want and wouldn't settle for an inferior husband. I know there are some that do and again, to each their own. Clearly you, Emma and the other incredible women on this site understand the importance of the responsibility that comes with being the ultimate decision maker in the relationship, and how reasonable, measured benevolence on your part is essential fuel to keep the fire burning in your relationship. After all, it is exactly why we all live and practice the chaste-husband lifestyle to begin with.
Have I mentioned before that I really love this site? *smile