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A small message to compare once again our points of view and our experiences.
I notice that many of you gentlemen call your wives/girlfriends mistresses which leads me to wonder how your couple works?
I have never, for my part, considered my husband as a submissive, I have never called him a "valet" or asked him to call me mistress (well, in fact, it happens a few times but more during sexual games between us).
From my point of view, my man, chaste and caged, is not inferior to me, he is my equal and has simply entrusted me with the power to manage his sexuality, a power that I use and abuse sometimes, but isn't that what you expect from us when you give us the role of keyholder?
My husband, before chastity, was what you might call a modern man, contributing to the household chores and actively participating in the education of our child. Chastity has not brought a new division of labour into our lives, although sometimes I use the power of the key to assign him a few extra household chores that I am lazy enough to do myself (Matt is now an ironing pro!).
All this to say that in our lives, chastity has mostly brought a better communication within our couple, a more fulfilled sexuality for both of us and a better understanding of our expectations and fantasies.
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However in no case would I take pleasure in using the power that has been entrusted to me to belittle him or to make him feel inferior to me. I know that I would not live well with the fact that he continually calls me mistress. I am not trying to impose a gynarchic model on my relationship, but perhaps I am an exception...
What about you ?
For our part my wife is not a fan of Mistress, she hates it in fact. I do use a few different honorifics but they are less severe and more respectful pet names than anything else. She is however the leader of our marriage in an undisputed manner. Not in a dominant way, she is loving and tender, if insistent on things being done her way. We don't have a set of rules that we follow for our relationship but I know what my rough expectations are and if specific things need to be done they often get delegated to me. With the path our life has taken us on we have both come to the realization that she has a better vision and drive of the two of us. It made no sense for me to try and push myself into a role that she fills better just because it is still what society expects of men to a large degree.(I wonder if the women's rights movement would gain more ground trying to convince men it's okay to go against what is expected of them by society.)
While it seems there is an imbalance of power it evens out well. I run the day to day operations of our home and family as the stay at home dad for our son, I do every household task and my wife either relaxes or watches our son if she is home. It is a balance because she works a 50 hour week and works a rotating schedule, if she had to worry about household concerns as well there would be no time or energy for us to enjoy each other.
It is much easier to maintain my focus on her and our home when she keeps me locked. Without that I tend to lose focus and chores fall by the wayside too often and things become out of balance. Chastity has also fostered better daily communication and a significantly improved emotional connection.
We don't have a Gynarchal relationship, and she does not like to demean me, we both just came to the conclusion that there is no reason to do things a certain way just because that's how it was done.
She is a better leader but needs more energy to get things done, I have bountiful energy and little direction. It made sense to us, and ultimately that's what matters.
Posted : 24/08/2020 5:12 am
Topic starter
Thanks for coming back @vikter.
That's kind of the way I feel, too.
I was already the manager of our couple before chastity came into our lives (I have always been the most organized of the two of us, whether in the management of money or of everyday life).
For me, chastity has really brought a plus in the sexual domain of our couple (both in the practices and in our ability to communicate our respective expectations in terms of sexuality). To put it in a nutshell, chastity allowed me to understand more correctly a man with whom I had been living with for more than 10 years. To better understand his desires, his expectations in terms of sex and by extrapolation to live better and no longer have to hide my own desires.
Is my husband submissive to me for all that ? To a certain extent certainly because I am the one who controls his sexuality.
Am I abusing this power to establish my authority over him? No, because that would be disrespectful to a man I love.
However, like any power, the power to hold the key is exhilarating and one must know how to use it intelligently. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going too far in our games, because I know that a man who is caged and properly stimulated can hardly refuse you anything.
But I don't want to take control of my husband. I want him to have a fulfilling emotional and sexual life just like me.
Posted : 24/08/2020 6:26 am
One of the confusing things about discussion surrounding kinks is human need to define things a certain way based on what we know or even just on how we perceive it. I have found that those that are emerging into their kinks initially feel as though they must fit into a particular pre-determined mold that has been defined by someone else, as if there is some universal requirement that they "do it right". Words have meanings, yes, but words also have different meanings to different people and as such, there are many variations on how those words get defined.
Take the word chastity for instance. Mostly everyone here on this site uses the word universally to mean chastity cage, when in fact the word chastity is defined as (from Websters)
1 : the quality or state of being chaste: such as
a : abstention from unlawful sexual intercourse
b : abstention from all sexual intercourse c : purity in conduct and intention sought to protect her threatened chastity
d : restraint and simplicity in design or expression
2 : personal integrity
I have mentioned in past posts that I live a life of strict chastity in that I am simply not allowed to engage in sexual activity without permission from and under the supervision of ... here it comes ... my Mistress Wife. I am one that has referred to my Wife as Mistress because in the context of our marriage, our relationship, our mutually acknowledged existence, she is my Mistress and I am devoted and loving submissive/slave husband. I can understand how those words conjure up particular images and predetermined ideas of what that may mean in the minds of those that would read or hear them. Most would (at least at the outset) believe that our life consists of humiliation, latex, leather, deviant kinky behavior and the kind of relationship where my Wife or I would consider me "inferior" to her. It's just simply not the case. If you were to meet us, you'd never know that we practice a Wife Led Marriage where she is in charge of everything … and not just sex. We are both upstanding citizens in our community. In every aspect of my life I am the alpha, the one in charge, a leader among people, a business owner with a vigorous reputation for strength in action and character, except for one of course, my devotion to my Mistress Wife in our loving, caring Wife Led Marriage. Our day to day existence has nothing to with the stereotypical idea of what a Mistress-sub/slave relationship might otherwise look like.
The affect of the effective use of a chastity cage has on an otherwise "normal" marriage is well document on this by our gracious and articulate host, most of readers and by eloquent and communicative commenters such as yourself. The cage is the center point of attention when it comes to the desired outcome …. controlling the mans sexual activity, managing his orgasms as the woman deems appropriate or necessary, with the desired outcome of course being a better, more well adjusted man that has been conditioned to better devote his adoration and attention to his mate in a way that continuously deepens their love for each other, thereby strengthening their relationship.
In my marriage, I am kept chaste by my Wife by the knowledge that she owns and controld my sex. All of it. It was something that I carefully and with deep love in my heart asked her to consider taking it because I felt it would be a natural way for us to enhance the deep devotion and love we had for each other, and wanted for that to continue till death do we part. She considered it, she loved the idea and concept and we blissfully set out on the rest of our lives together, evolving along the way. She was/is in complete control. She had/has no interest in turning e into her valet, a feminized version of my former self (although she does make me wear panties occasionally), or anything other than the strong, loving man she fell in love with in the beginning.
It requires a great deal of trust and respect from each other and for each other because in the end, she has absolute final say on everything in our lives. Everything! Including of course, deciding on if, when and how I am allowed to experience sex. In my role as her submissive/slave husband, the love and adoration I have for this woman was immense to begin (in our vanilla days) has grown and deepened to astounding levels. Our sex life together is better than it has ever been and continues to get better every day, even though (actually especially because) our sex is solely centered around her. Her pleasure is what ONLY matters. I can honestly say that my source of pleasure is now primarily on seeing and knowing that she is having pleasure, and I have been able to replace orgasm and even ejaculation as the goal for me in sex, with the unmitigated joy that comes from being in a constant state of arousal that begins immediately after we have sex.
I was required to wear a cage in the beginning because we believed, based on pictures and stories, that one was necessary to achieve the desired effect of chastity. She then began to wish that I wasn't wearing a cage because she enjoys access to my penis when she edging or teasing me, and wanted for those activities too be spontaneous without having to unlock and clean, and wash. Over time, Mistress felt that if our vows as Mistress/slave were worthy, a cage was not necessary to achieve chastity and declared that my chastity was going to be managed by me with the knowledge that if I stole what was owned by her (my sex, my orgasms, my semen, my ass, etc.) that it would be akin to adultery and it would effectively end our marriage. My hand to God, to this day I have never stolen what is hers and have only ever orgasmed or ejaculated with her permission and under her supervision.
What has become of the cage? It is used for punishment purposes now, for when she is especially disappointed in my behavior. It's use is almost always accompanied by a significantly red and sore bottom. There is also the occasion when she just likes me to put it on for her viewing pleasure.
Orgasm control is the foundation of our loving, respectful life together and no matter it gets accomplished, chastity is vital in our marriage. We wouldn't have it any other way.
Forgive the long comment/reply @Ruined-Julie. The term Mistress I hope doesn't have to have a stereotypical idea of what it is. If you were to meet her, my Mistress Wife is and appears to be nothing like a leather clad, whip weilding sadist that is typically portrayed. She is a loving, sweet, considerate, beautiful, normal redheaded Goddess that is easily mistaken for so many soccor moms that are in the world.
I really enjoy your comments and participation on this site, and admire the amazing relationship you have with your husband. Continued joy to you.
subhubphx
Posted : 24/08/2020 7:05 am
Topic starter
Hello @subhubphx and thank you for coming back.
I can't imagine your mistress, or goddess (or whatever you want to call her) necessarily dressed in leather and armed with a whip or a riding crop.
However, as you rightly point out, words do have meaning. The word "mistress" as we understand it is defined in the dictionary as :
1 / Person who takes care of a domestic animal.
2/ Slave owner.
What I am pointing out, without calling into question the relationship that you and your wife may have (who would I be to judge it), is simply the fact that in my own relationship I do not consider my husband to be inferior to me, to be an animal or to be my slave. I regard him as my equal.
Based on this observation, I can only bless your relationship if each of you is happy in your respective roles. I like my role as a keyholder because I think it makes me a better woman and mother, a better wife and our couple is stronger in this configuration.
Now everyone is free to live their sexuality as they wish.
I'm just saying that I wouldn't necessarily want a man who is only interested in my pleasure. Just as you say that your happiness today is to give pleasure to your mistress, my happiness is to share in an equitable way (well, let's say a little more for me anyway) the sexual pleasure with my husband.
i completely understand and I wasn’t calling you or your comment into question. All good? I sure hope so. ?
Posted : 24/08/2020 8:25 am
It all comes down to personal meaning and connection, my wife does not like Mistress not because of preconceived opinions about the women. Rather she does not like the connotation that it carried in past games we played so when control shift truly to here she did not want it used. I could take it or leave it, but had few other reference points early in our relationship.
You and you Mistress Wife have found a title that holds the meaning she desires and reinforces your intent to serve her as she expects. What we call the expression for that desire and intent doesn't matter to me. Just that it works for the parties involved in the way they want.
Glad you have found a way to stay happy and close. However you get there people just need more of that these days.
Thanks for the kinds words Vikter. Couldn't agree more. In the end, a husband that has a level of devotion to his wife that pleases her is what matters. This site and its contributors (Emma of course, @Ruined- Julie, you and others) do a marvelous job in articulating the reasons why .. how. I'm really enjoying this place.
I don't care for the word mistress either because of the leather clad dominatrix connotation, at least in my head. I DO however consider Kevin to be submissive but only to me. He isn't a beta male or some sort of subservient bitch boy. I would grow weary of a partner like that. Kevin is my equal but when making most of our decisions when we reach an impasse, we almost always defer to my judgement. Does that make him any less of a partner? No, I don't think so. He understands that any decision that I make isn't done for selfish reasons but for the betterment of our relationship. We are a couple, a pair and a team. If he protests a decision that I make, it will absolutely be strongly reconsidered.
Posted : 24/08/2020 4:57 pm
@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j
Very well said Emma, and thank you for pointing out that there is a difference between a submissive Kevin in general, and a submissive Kevin only to you. There are some (not me) that believe a submissive man somehow is or needs to be submissive to all women. Like Kevin, I am also not a subservient bitch boy, even within the context of our relationship and neither of us want to turn me into a passive pile of submissiveness. Also like your relationship with Kevin, whenever we reach and impasse, we always also defer to My Wife's decision.
As an aside, her final decision authority comes in very handy when and if we ever find ourselves at the threshold of an argument. If one begins to develop, Mistress K. is supremely capable and willing to stop it in its tracks and without exception, when that happens I know where the line is and that line is not crossed. She doesn't make selfish decisions. She makes decision based on what is best for us and for her, not necessarily in that order. I love her dearly for it.
Thank you again for this incredible blog.
Topic starter
@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j
Thank you for your input, Emma.
It allows me to bring out certain points in my own relationship.
I think my relation with Matt is in some ways quite similar to your relationship with Kevin.
As I've said before, I don't consider Matt to be subservient or inferior. However, just like you, I am still the decision-maker in our relationship and in case of a dispute I know (and he also knows) that I will have the last word. So to a certain extent Matt is certainly subject to me as well.
Finally, by reading you again and extrapolating everyone's feedback, we can come to the conclusion that most chaste men (caged or on the honor system) are submissive. The degree of submission simply varies in relation to the relationship with her partner and the latter's own vision of the desired degree of submission (in my case I try to keep our couple at an equal level).
Very nicely said @Ruined-Julie. The whole inferior - superior aspect of anyone's relationship is unique to that relationship. Clearly there are men that wish to be considered inferior for reasons that are there own. For me personally and more importantly for my wife, I don't understand the attraction for those men or their Wife, but if it makes them happy then i support their happiness.
My wife doesn't want and wouldn't settle for an inferior husband. I know there are some that do and again, to each their own. Clearly you, Emma and the other incredible women on this site understand the importance of the responsibility that comes with being the ultimate decision maker in the relationship, and how reasonable, measured benevolence on your part is essential fuel to keep the fire burning in your relationship. After all, it is exactly why we all live and practice the chaste-husband lifestyle to begin with.
Have I mentioned before that I really love this site? *smile
Posted : 25/08/2020 7:02 am
