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Todd
 Todd
(@todd)
New Member

What’s the best way to approach my vanilla wife about locking me in chastity cage.

Quote
Posted : 01/10/2019 9:26 pm
UnderHerControl
(@underhercontrol)
Active Member

Todd,

That is a difficult question and there is no one answer. It depends on your wife and you know her best. It was a 4 or 5 year journey to get mine to lock me up. A chastity device can be a real shock to an unsuspecting vanilla wife so I would suggest starting with something fairly tame. Maybe the next time you are getting busy with her, tell her you want to forgo your orgasm and focus on pleasing her. See how she handles it and go from there. If you are like me what you really want is some kind of power exchange. The device is just one way to experience it. I started by (timidly) discussing female led relationships and expressing my desires for her to lead in more ways. I screwed up a hundred times by exposing her to some pictures or ideas that were way to "femdommy" for my very traditional lady and I am lucky she stuck with me. lol. After stressing love, trust, good sex, togetherness, and a desire to please and empower her she is slowly coming around. In fact she now prefers denying my orgasm.

Others can disagree but the book Real Women Don't Do Housework is a good place to start because there is no real hardcore sex talk in it. My two favorite blogs are this one and The Femdom Think Tank but when I expose my wife to them I do it on an article by article basis. Pegging, cuckolding, piss drinking, etc., are things that turn my woman off so I try to be careful.

Never let her think she is inadequate, a bad lover, or anything else negative. For me it is about making our relationship more, rather than trying to fix something that is broken.

Good luck,

Allen

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 01/10/2019 11:15 pm
spinpole2001
(@spinpole2001)
Eminent Member
Posted by: @underhercontrol

Todd,

That is a difficult question and there is no one answer. It depends on your wife and you know her best. It was a 4 or 5 year journey to get mine to lock me up. A chastity device can be a real shock to an unsuspecting vanilla wife so I would suggest starting with something fairly tame. Maybe the next time you are getting busy with her, tell her you want to forgo your orgasm and focus on pleasing her. See how she handles it and go from there. If you are like me what you really want is some kind of power exchange. The device is just one way to experience it. I started by (timidly) discussing female led relationships and expressing my desires for her to lead in more ways. I screwed up a hundred times by exposing her to some pictures or ideas that were way to "femdommy" for my very traditional lady and I am lucky she stuck with me. lol. After stressing love, trust, good sex, togetherness, and a desire to please and empower her she is slowly coming around. In fact she now prefers denying my orgasm.

Others can disagree but the book Real Women Don't Do Housework is a good place to start because there is no real hardcore sex talk in it. My two favorite blogs are this one and The Femdom Think Tank but when I expose my wife to them I do it on an article by article basis. Pegging, cuckolding, piss drinking, etc., are things that turn my woman off so I try to be careful.

Never let her think she is inadequate, a bad lover, or anything else negative. For me it is about making our relationship more, rather than trying to fix something that is broken.

Good luck,

Allen

 

A well thought out response and great advice!

ReplyQuote
Posted : 05/10/2019 12:47 pm
jc5200
(@jc5200)
Active Member

This is definitely tricky, because you have to introduce it in a way that doesn't leave her shocked when she searches the internet. If she simply searches male chastity it will probably leave her horrified without the proper setup. I am working a very gradual plan myself.  Some "phase one" activities:

Offering her a massage. I gave her a card with a date in it for a "for her pleasure only" massage. I explained that it is not something that is in any way intended to lead to sex, that it is a pure act of love and there are no strings attached of any kind. She was suspicious so I told her if she really felt compelled to return the favor, she could allow me a night to have beers with my friends.

Do something every morning for her that I don't usually do.  I get the kids ready for school and bring her coffee in bed. You could make toast or whatever she likes.

Do other things around the house that she usually does. For us that's vacuuming.

Have flowers delivered. Nice ones, something above what I would normally do.

Fill her car with gas.

You get the picture.  The idea is that I am serving her without any strings attached, just because she's my queen and it is my duty to serve her and take care of her.

This leads naturally to a conversation about how different I have been lately and she wonders why. The response is that I've been practicing being chaste for her, that I have found that I am physiologically different when I don't have orgasms 3-4 times a week (or more). I have realized that it is not right to masturbate all the time, as it takes away my natural sex drive and effects our bedroom activity. In short, I want all my orgasms to belong to her. I also mention how much energy it gives me and how much closer I feel toward her. I tell her that I need her help in doing this, but I really enjoy how much adoration I feel for her when I am not having frequent orgasms.

Wish me luck on phase two...

ReplyQuote
Posted : 07/10/2019 1:35 pm
Emma
 Emma
(@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j)
Member Admin

Hi JC!  We would love to hear any news about your relationship!

ReplyQuote
Posted : 18/10/2019 8:42 pm
UnderHerControl
(@underhercontrol)
Active Member

Thank you Spinpole 🙂

Also good advice from JC.

 

Allen

ReplyQuote
Posted : 19/10/2019 8:43 pm
jc5200
(@jc5200)
Active Member

@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j

Well, so far I haven't gotten very far. I keep telling myself I'm playing the "long game", but it feels like we're going nowhere.

We've briefly touched on my masturbating less and that it is causing a change in me for the better. We've talked about this a couple times, but have not gotten to the point of discussing me being chaste for her.

I'm very nervous about this, as we are both pretty vanilla sexually and she comes from a family of traditionally strong male types. I think she expects me to occupy that role for her. Secondly, we both masturbate, so it's not something she's opposed to me doing.

I'm a little lost at the moment as to what my next steps might be. My focus is that I want to serve her as my queen in whatever capacity she needs me to take on. I have this feeling that asking her to be my keyholder would be less of a servant and more of a burden to her.

I have considered writing a letter to her explaining how I feel, but I am afraid of how it could potentially go very wrong.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 23/10/2019 4:05 pm
Dplaything
(@dplaything)
Eminent Member

@jc5200

I feel for you JC.  Your story is not dissimilar to ours.  While we have been in the chastity LS for the past 8 years, my wife is not naturally dominant (not that she is submissive either) and very much anchored to traditional roles/behaviours.  It is only in the past couple of years that it has evolved from feeling like role play she would do for me to being an integral part of our relationship.  So be patient and focus on the gains and not the lack of progress.

A couple thoughts:

  • Communication is key.  Create the language and space to safely share with each other.  For example, we are also consensually non-monogamous and were before we engaged in chastity (no, we aren't into the hotwife/cuckold scene).  During that journey we found that misconceptions and assumptions often hijacked our conversations so we created new language.  Specifically we needed to differentiate between a thought, desire and fantasy.  For example:
    • thought - just a comment without any need for action - e.g. "he is good looking" does not translate into "I want to sleep with him", or "wow, that cage has a PA lock too!" does not translate into "I would love to wear one of those".
    • desire - something you would really like to see happen - e.g. a threesome, being locked up, etc.
    • fantasy - some that really turns you on in your head, but not in reality - e.g. having everyone know about your lifestyle or never being allowed to come again (this is one of mine - love the thought in concept, but really ....?)
  • Come at it from her perspective and desires, continue to show her how her needs can be met along with yours.  If she sees you are truly empathetic and understanding to her needs (don't guess what they are, ask!), she will probably be more open to yours.  
  • Take baby steps and experiment as .  We have tried lots of different things (toys, rules, activities, etc.) - those that worked for us we kept doing and those that didn't we stopped (but learned from and evolved our approach to chastity).
  • With openness, willingness and creativeness there is an "and" solution to be found, where your needs and her needs can be met.  If one, or both of you, come at it from the "or" perspective (it is either my way or your way), then sadly both will miss out.

Good luck!

ReplyQuote
Posted : 23/10/2019 7:25 pm
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