The medical term for painful intercourse is dyspareunia (dis-puh-ROO-nee-uh), defined as persistent or recurrent genital pain that occurs just before, during or after intercourse. There can be many causes from Vaginismus, psychological issues, stress, surgeries or other medical conditions. I know from having a lick of Vaginismus, that it can be downright painful and debilitating. It can also be difficult from a self-worth standpoint. I know that I personally get a level of self confidence from satisfying my partner in bed and skipping or cutting sex short due to discomfort isn't my idea of a good time. One of our new readers agreed to do a question and answer session by email to discuss painful sex in her relationship and how she has come to terms with it. With no further ado, please welcome @eve.
Like I said in your forum, my husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5 years. He is a wonderful man and I am lucky to have him in my life. It was practically love at first sight when we were introduced by a friend. He is very handsome and our personalities are a very good fit for each other. I couldn't imagine experiencing life without my partner.
We get along quite nicely but recently we've been challenged on the sexual side of our partnership. Up until this point, sex has never really been a problem. Once sex becomes a problem for a couple, it can be devastating and tear even the closest of relationships apart. Distant and torn apart is a great way to describe how we began to feel.
I have a condition called Endometriosis or endo for short and that makes vaginal sex to be increasingly painful. Endo is a condition where the normally occurring endometrium from inside your uterus, grows outside and causes inflammation. This can happen in the ovaries, fallopian tubes or even in your bowels. For mine, this happens in my ovaries and fallopian tubes. Not everyone experiences painful sex and some of the symptoms are painful menstrual cramps, lower back pain, intestinal pain and very painful annual pelvic exams. If you experience any of those symptoms, please do some research and go see your doctor.
There is so much shame with anything female related. I even had a doctor tell me that the pain is all in my head and refused to continue prescribing pain medication for me to take during my periods.…
This turned out great. Thank you Emma. I can answer some questions if anyone has them.
Thank you for sharing. I feel like this is a topic that I know so little about that I don’t even know where to start with questions.
Is endometriosis something that can develop independently. Or is it something that is predisposed and is a matter of time before it appears?
I think it is amazing that you have found a way to conquer something that would have broken lesser couples apart. That took incredible strength and openness from both of you.
It has been difficult but we are finding our way through it together instead of separately. Thanks to you for your support.
The scary thing about endo is doctors really dont know what causes it. Here are some things I found about it from mayoclinc. Mine first started when I was 17 years but went away until this last bout.
Causes
Although the exact cause of endometriosis is not certain, possible explanations include:
Risk factors
Several factors place you at greater risk of developing endometriosis, such as:
Endometriosis usually develops several years after the onset of menstruation (menarche). Signs and symptoms of endometriosis may temporarily improve with pregnancy and may go away completely with menopause, unless you’re taking estrogen.
Hi Eve,
Great story and thanks for sharing it. For me two related things make it so interesting or impressive. One, that you turned painful but traditional sex upside down or inside out to make it pleasurable and more importantly that through chastity or male orgasm control you (or you both) found your way back from perspectives of strong mutual resentment. Obviously love and a desire to find something that would work was a part of this success but your story speaks to the power of a woman controlling a man’s orgasm. I’m curious whether prior to the point where endometriosis and pain made sex unpleasant, and the point where your husband was masturbating regularly had you previously desired to be in control of his orgasms or had you no prior reason to consider it.
JD
Did he struggle with social stigma of giving up control or manhood? Giving you control of his penis and allowing you to fuck him in the ass is a big step. You have completely turned the tables on the traditional relationship. I support it but this change must have been a big pill for him to swallow.
I think we were both ready to try anything. This was a stretch from where he was comfortable but he was excited about anything that shifted the focus to sex. Neither of us saw it as giving up manhood. We do make jokes about him being the girl in the bedroom sometimes but those are only jokes. This is purely sexual and neither of us has a desire for panties or cross-dressing or anything like that. Chastity is a bigger pill for him to swallow. To see a grown man whine and complain about being locked up is a sight to see.
We have shifted the relationship to be more female empowered and I make more of the decisions which is part of having a higher level of self confidence. I was feeling very depressed before we made these changes.
I don’t like your title of painful sex. I almost didn’t click on the email since I thought it would be about some sort of BDSM kinky sex. Maybe something like
living with sexual discomfort
Sexual discomfort reimagined
What to do when sex is painful
When sex hurts how to cope
If your pussy hurts fuck him in the ass
ok skip the last one but I think you can do better with your title.
Ouch that last one!!! You are too much.
About the title I thought the same thing too but I thought it was just me.
sexual discomfort re-imagined or maybe
endometriosis- sexual discomfort re-imagined
I see what you mean. Let me play with a few different titles.
Edit: I updated the name. Thank you both.
Hello, Very nice article (again)! I find myself in your interview (guy side). My girlfriend suffers from vaginismus and we haven’t been doing PIV sex for several years … Unfortunately, we don’t have a relationship as enriched as yours. Very little caress between us and I masturbate to make up for the lack …
Do you find yourself resentful of your girlfriend? Would she be open to trying some alternative things to keep the physical aspect of your relationship alive?
of course I feel a huge negative resentful … the problem is that I do not live up to my fantasies … I already have a hard time hearing friends say that my girlfriend is in charge, so imagining myself in chastity and sodomizing regularly is really complicated for me even if it turns me on deep down!
Hello, your article made me think so I decided to tell my girlfriend about my resentful. Unfortunately she took me on the wrong foot and told me that she definitely no longer wanted PIV sex … It casts me a little more and I do not know what to answer …
It is a delicate conversation and sometimes it doesn’t go the way we want it to go. Just be supportive and make sure that you continue to communicate your feelings. If she doesn’t want PIV sex, there are other options that you can explore together. If you have physical needs, they can’t simply go unmet. Together you can find a way to make sure that both of your needs are met. Have you considered sharing this blog with her?
I know this is an old article, but it was very insightful for me. My wife feels pain during intercourse as well and describes many of the same feelings which Eve described. Sex becomes a negative topic and resentment builds up on both sides.
I’m very open to other forms of sex other than intercourse, though, and I want to give my wife the freedom to explore those alternatives without feeling pressure to have intercourse.