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Talk to him about masturbation

Masturbation is a huge part of our sexuality. We all masturbate and taking matters into our own hands is nothing to be ashamed of. The problems come when masturbation causes conflict in the relationship. Problems occur when the masturbation of one partner gets in the way of the sexual or emotional needs of the other. Some feel that masturbation is a healthy part of a relationship and others feel that masturbation is cheating.

Male sex hormones are very different and cause different reactions and behavior. By its very design, the male orgasm causes men to shut down and become distant so limiting orgasms makes sense for relationships where emotional distance is a problem. For most men, masturbation is a daily habit that increases the amount of emotional distance on a daily basis. If this sounds like your guy, consider some corrective discussions to bring communication and closeness back to your relationship.

For us, orgasm doesn’t have the same impact and really doesn’t have negative emotional consequences. If you go on a vibrator binge, there is some desensitization that can occur for your clit. If you are used to clitoral orgasms from your hitachi power wand, you may not be able to orgasm as easily from clitoral stimulation during sex.

Before you commit to having sex, ask him when he last masturbated!

As with every part of your relationship, communication is key to success. Why shouldn’t masturbation be discussed? When masturbation is hidden, it causes confusion and resentment. Before you commit to having sex, ask him when he last masturbated and gauge your sexual response accordingly. Below are some recommendations to help keep his sexual interest and give him the tools to minimize his masturbation habits. Rather than complaining that your husband masturbates too much, have a conversation with him about his masturbation and the impact on your relationship.

Imagine if you are laying down in bed and expecting to have sex and you remember to ask him when he last masturbated. He sheepishly responds and tells you that he masturbated earlier that day. You recognize that his sexual hunger is mostly satiated and acknowledge that he will have very little sexual energy left for you. We’ve all experienced that half-hard guy who keeps slipping out and it certainly isn’t my idea of the perfect sexual experience.

Rather than react with anger or disappointment, make it a game for him. Since his sexual needs have already been met, have him sit beside you while you masturbate. Perhaps you can bring a chair into the bedroom and ask him to sit across from you and watch you pleasure yourself. Watching you orgasm will spur many of those hormones that will help build that connection. He may not be permitted to have an orgasm but he will certainly be permitted to enjoy watching you have yours.

What if he responds and tells you that he had an orgasm the previous day or maybe a few days prior? You need to figure out how frequently your guy should be permitted an orgasm and work with him to keep that schedule. It may seem strange to schedule orgasms but it truly is necessary. If left to his own devices, he will ejaculate every day. For many men, masturbation is as routine as brushing his teeth or showering. A orgasm schedule will ensure that neither of you give up stimulating conversation and lasting closeness that keeps the spark alive.

What if he just masturbated that day and you still want to have sex? That’s a bit more difficult but with practice it doesn’t need to be a problem. Men do not need to ejaculate every time they have sex. You read that correctly. Just because you engaged in sex and have been thrusting away for twenty minutes, he doesn’t absolutely need to get off. Separating orgasm from sex is important and “blue balls” aren’t a real thing. Until he is accustomed to having sex without release, he will experience some slight discomfort as his body expects sexual release. Once his body understands that sex and orgasm aren’t always linked, he will have a few moments of frustration before moving on.

I’ve been told that this can seem mean or controlling, why not just allow orgasms whenever he wants? The answer is easy. You want to have the best man that you can possibly have. You want him to be the guy that he was when you were dating and you simply aren’t going to get that with a guy who is orgasming all the time. If this is presented to him as a way to improve the quality of your partnership then it seems far more selfless than selfish.

For some relationships, this sexual rationing is a challenge and for others it is simply not a big deal. Don’t allow it to cause conflict in your marriage or relationship, this is about creating closeness. If your guy is one of the many that has a harder time limiting his orgasms and masturbation, there is hope. Most guys have been masturbating on a daily basis since their teens and changing that behavior is going to be difficult if not impossible without help. Chastity cages. This is where I risk losing you but stay with me here. A properly fitted cage is an easy way to help control his habit and retain the closeness that you deserve together.

In our relationship we do use the cage from time to time because my Kevin doesn’t have a tremendous amount of willpower especially toward the end of his week or when we are apart or when he is working from home. Regardless of whether he is caged or not, we are aligned in wanting the best relationship that we can possibly have. Kevin knows to ask for my loving help if he is worried that he may not beto keep his idle hands away from himself. The cage isn’t a punishment in our relationship, it is simply a tool to help us both achieve the best relationship that we can get.

In our relationship, we do quite a bit of pegging. While pegging isn’t for everyone, it is a great way to feel that closeness and increase intimacy in your relationship. Pegging doesn’t typically result in release for him and that can be a way to help him disassociate sex from orgasm. I’ve written a great deal about pegging in the modern relationship which you can read here.

So what about orgasms? For us, male orgasms happen once a week. He knows that every Sunday he will be having an orgasm. If we are having relationship or communication problems that week, we may skip a week here and there but for the most part we are able to experience that intimate moment together once a week.

4 thoughts on “Talk to him about masturbation

  1. Emma,
    Thanks so much for putting all this info out there and sharing your experiences. I generally lurk and don’t comment but your site is different and felt it’s only fair to contribute something myself as I have gained quite a lot from here.
    My wife and I have been playing with chastity on and off for a few years now, mostly as a short term kink. I brought it up and I go through periods where I want it, then periods where I don’t. My wife has not quite yet taken complete control, but we are working toward that and she definitely likes having me locked.
    After having read through your blogs, and a couple other resources that weren’t just crazy kink stuff, I’ve come to realize I have really been somewhat selfish. The times I wanted a break from the chastity cage was largely because I wanted to get myself off every few days. When I did this I most definitely felt low afterwards. By low I mean actually guilty for a short while but not guilty enough to stop at least for a while until after a month or two, the kink built again and I was ready to play at chastity for a while. At the time, I wasn’t thinking about what that was doing to our relationship.
    I have a new perspective now, and because of it, I don’t feel the desire to stop with the chastity device. Sure there are moments when I’d really like it off in the heat of passion, but I like the heightened feelings I am having. I really feel it has helped our relationship, we ARE closer in so many ways. We’ve been together 25+ years and I feel we are at one of the best places we’ve been in a long time, and we’ve always had a good relationship.

    A couple of things I would tell anyone learning about all this… take it slow, talk to each other a lot, be patient at first. Look for real resources, like this blog, I’ve only come across a few, most of what’s out there is kinky fetish stuff which doesn’t deliver the message or better yet, explain the physiology and psychology that finally made me glimpse the light.
    Thanks again!

    1. Wonderful comment. Thanks for contributing.
      I do think that your advice about being patient and separating kink from valuable information is a good idea. That is the main reason that I started the site!

      That said, we still ended up going down a bit of a kink rabbit hole initially but I feel like we’ve come back out the other side and realized exactly what works for us. Equally as valuable we’ve decided what doesn’t work for us.

      Check in every so often and tell us about your journey!

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