What do you think of when you masturbate? Sometimes I fantasize about an elaborate romantic fantasy usually in black and white like an old movie. Sometimes I imagine an intimate encounter with someone I recognize, sometimes with a past lover and other times with a complete stranger. When I'm short on time or especially determined to get there, I'll just focus on the pleasure and let my Hitachi Magic Wand take me away to another place. How about you?
According to this pair of articles on bustle.com it turns out that Men and Women have generally similar fantasies.
- A sexual situation involving their current partner.
- A sexual situation with a previous partner.
- Erotica seen online or via a mobile device.
- A sexual situation involving role play.
- A sexual situation involving BDSM.
- A sexual situation involving their current partner.
- A sexual situation with a previous partner.
- Erotica seen online or via a mobile device.
- A sexual situation involving BDSM.
- A sexual situation involving role play.
Number one seems incredibly healthy on both lists. Thinking about a sexual fantasy with your current partner. Absolutely! Think of the hottest time that you had sex or perhaps hotel sex during a vacation. I encourage you to share this with your partner! Share the details of your experience and the specific fantasy. Try and remember in the greatest amount of detail that you can. I keep thinking of the time that Kevin and I stayed in a local hotel and lounged around all day doing absolutely nothing. Nowhere to go, nothing to do. Just a simple getaway and opportunity to reconnect. All I can remember is both of us eating room service on the bed and the way his chest looked under the soft light of the sheer drapes.
How about number two, a sexual situation with a previous partner. Are you comfortable enough in your relationship to admit these fantasies to each other? Would you or your partner find this sexy or hurtful? If you find it hurtful, stop and analyze why it made you feel that way. Did you get jealous? Did her description of the previous partner make you feel insecure about yourself? Stop for a moment and focus on the specifics that made you feel uncomfortable. Would you consider sharing this experience in detail so your partner can enjoy the memory with you? Many couples feel a level of guilt when they find their mind drifting to a past partner but I suggest that you embrace it and share with each other. If the story causes feelings to come up, share those feelings and communicate together. …
Hi Emma … hope you and yours had a beautiful Christmas.
How can there be no comments here 3 days later? Sheesh.
This is a fascinating topic Emma. It’s been nearly 8 years since I’ve independently masturbated. Masturbation for me now is something that happens only in my wife’s presence, only with her permission, or simply because she wishes to be entertained. Trust me … I’m not complaining even a little.
Rarely, if ever am I allowed to orgasm, so, I can’t speak from recent experience, but I do remember that when I did independently (before our WLM) and I can honestly say that the overwhelming majority of my fantasies or sexy thoughts were about or included my Wife.
I will tell you though, your porn choice was hot!! Thanks for sharing. Perhaps we should start a Forum for links to videos you and members find hot? *grin
Glad you enjoyed! I absolutely fine with posting videos and pictures in any part of the forum where appropriate. If I don’t like them, I’ll just take them down and give you some sort of reason as to why I removed them.
I was also surprised by the lack of responses but the site seems to be much less busy over holiday weekends. I think everyone is just busy and this site isn’t the most appropriate when visiting with family.
I’m also surprised at the lack of comments on this topic. My fantasies tend to blend 1 and 5, with some influence for ideas from 3… So they almost always have my wife involved in some kind of BDSM activity, either the -ee or the -er, with ideas taken from recent erotic readings or written stories of my own. My fantasies when alone are almost always on the receiving end, or threat of, some kind of discipline, often for coming without permission. This usually involves being “forced” into lingerie and sometimes includes a self-spanking. She is aware of my desire (need?) for this, but although she tolerates my panties fetish (more on this later), she doesn’t enjoy spanking me herself (this is slowly changing though :)). So when she goes out she will tell me more or less how long she will be so I can indulge… I now avoid ejaculation when masturbating, but a few years ago I would often use porn to get to an orgasm. I agree with Emma on this being addictive, and am glad to be over that phase. Regarding what kind of porn, I prefer descriptions or images of real-life situations, usually through blogs (Strict Julie Spanks or, before it disappeared, Almost a Femdom Wife), or stories by authors like Case Wintermute or Rick Oh.
I agree that we need to engage our imaginations more and indulge in porn less. In general, staying away from porn and focusing on your partner is a best practice. I’ve also learned from experience that older men should limit orgasms, whether achieved through masturbation or with others. After an orgasm, at least for several days, I tend to be less interested in my spouse and certainly less motivated to go out of my way to please her. To the contrary, chastity has been a great help for me and my relationship.
Thank you, Emma, for your excellent blog and for sharing so much about yourself and your experiences with your readers!
“After an orgasm, at least for several days, I tend to be less interested in my spouse and certainly less motivated to go out of my way to please her. To the contrary, chastity has been a great help for me and my relationship.”
Sounds like a great testimonial for orgasm control and semen retention. I completely with your comment @James52
Totally agree. Welcome @James52
At this point in my life, after 30 years of marriage, my fantasies are centred almost exclusively on my wife. They almost always involve an element of BDSM too. I make use of femdom porn, but even then I generally project my wife into the scenario depicted.
Before our marriage became a wife led one, I often fantasized about other women, but WLM has made my wife central to my erotic obsessions. Shortly after my wife became the agreed HoH, she also started to act on my cuckold fantasies. Not only did she start having affairs, but she would cater to my taste for erotic humiliation by teasing me about the superior sexual endowments of her lovers.
I think my story could be seen as a cautionary tale insofar as I have lost the ability to have penetrative sex with my wife. No matter how turned on I get—and I get really turned on—I am no longer able to get an erection when we have sex. We still have lots of sex. It’s just that my cock isn’t involved anymore. I think my ED is psychological because I do get erections sometimes when I am alone. Maybe my inability to get hard when I am with her is the result of a kind of performance anxiety. She started teasing me about having a small cock and poor stamina because she knew I enjoy the humiliation, but now I really can’t perform that way at all. Sometimes I would like to, but I can’t. Maybe having been teased so much about my inability to satisfy her that way has undermined my self confidence to the point that I am afraid to try, so I get excited but not hard. Or maybe my subconscious mind sabotages my ability to get hard because I crave that humiliation that entails. Fortunately for me, my wife likes it this way.
My two favourite masturbation fantasies are being spanked by my wife under really embarrassing circumstances or imagining my wife having sex with another man. I am never allowed to witness that, so my imagination runs wild. Sometimes I masturbate to the fantasy of being one of my wife’s well endowed lovers, imaging the pleasure he must get from humiliating me by doing what I am unable to do for my wife.
I think my boyfriend suffers from this. He has some wonderfully healthy fantasies that he wants to enjoy together and has a tremendous amount of stamina but cannot cum from having sex. We’ve been together for about two years and it is a long distance relationship but we talk (text) every day. The times that we’ve met up the sex is AMAZING for me but he doesn’t get off and I can’t help but feel like we are missing something together. This makes total sense. We’ve talked about chastity which is one of his fantasies but it seems that your solution with all due respect cannot work with chastity. His orgasm is what ties the ejaculation to the fantasy. Unless I am mistaken, he would need to be unlocked and masturbate somewhat frequently for this to make any impact at all. This is a challenging problem and he has seen both a doctor and a psychiatrist about the issue so your solution may be an incredibly simple way to solve his problem. Thank you for the site! I read daily and I am constantly sending him your blogs to read and discuss with me. They have a fun and exciting way of keeping our conversations fresh and exciting despite the miles between the two of us.
My wife had a lover who had that problem. She says the sex was great for her because he was well endowed and had endless stamina due to his inability to cum during sex. My wife used to feel bad about being unable to make him cum while he would give her two or three orgasms. He told her not to feel bad about it because the sex was great for him, even though he would only cum when he masturbated to the memory of it afterwards. They also had a torrid email correspondence involving lots of simultaneous masturbation while they were going out. I could hardly believe an inability to ejaculate during sex was a real problem for some men when my wife told me about it, but I looked it up and saw that it was. I read that it is sometimes a side effect of certain medications, such as antidepressants.
If I had to make a guess about his masturbation habits, I’d say that the long distance relationship has led him to some unhealthy masturbation. I would suggest that you start with communication. Have a conversation about his masturbation. How frequently does he masturbate? Does he use his imagination or does he use pornography to excite himself and maintain his arousal until he finishes?
I agree that chastity and redirection of fantasies won’t work together since the chemical reinforcement requires the actual orgasm to occur. What do you think about asking him to masturbate regularly to a mental picture of you? Depending on his age you may want to ask him to masturbate as frequently as daily. After you get the ejaculation issue out of the way then you can go back to chastity. Limiting his porn intake would certainly help matters as well.
Here is a blog about ejaculation frequency that might help guide the frequency that you recommend. You should expect him to pull back emotionally (text you less) during this time, frequent ejaculations and emotional connections don’t really go hand in hand.
If you decide not to go to chastity after you get through this, make sure that you set expectations for his masturbation so things don’t get out of hand and patterns don’t develop.
I haven’t masturbated in about 7 months since we started with chastity. And I don’t miss it. We stick to PIV mostly these days which happens roughly once a week.
Back when I was masturbating, porn and made up people were on top on my list. Surprised to see that made up people are not in top 5 of either genders. Lemmings (my wife) rarely masturbates but she says she thinks about me whenever she does.
When you enjoy PIV together, are you permitted an orgasm? If so, have you tried removing your orgasm from sex some of the time? If not, what do you think about separating your orgasm from sex? Was it difficult for you? Do you see benefits?
I am completely against pornography. Porn has a bad effect on women and men. Fantasies are always better.