My husband said that he wants to share me, what do I do? This is a question I get pretty frequently and although it may seem alarming, it almost always comes from a good place. The question itself is becoming more and more common and is almost always initiated by the man. Before we get down to the actual question, let's do some research together.
The sperm competition theory is the theory that sperm inseminated into a female are competing amongst each other as well as sperm which were inseminated by another male. We are essentially saying that women have evolved to have multiple partners inseminate her. As a culture and through religious ideals, we've decided that monogamy is the cultural norm for us. Research shows that women's libidos flatline when they are in a long-term relationship but the same doesn't happen for men.
There is an entire subreddit dedicated to deadbedrooms which is a support group for people who are lacking in sexual intimacy. This is certainly a mix of both sexually dissatisfied men and women but the majority are male. Men and women get married for many reasons including security, stability, child rearing and sex is certainly one of the reasons. Few go into a marriage with the expectation of not having sex so when things change, partners often question why things changed. Resentment, infidelity, porn, financial reasons; the list of things that can pull a couple apart are endless.
The idea of taking another partner goes against much of what women are taught as we are growing up and random hookups go against much of what we actually need sexually. Men are typically fine with no strings attached sex but women need some emotional attachment to enjoy it. Because of the fact that our bodies can bear children, our minds require a level of emotional attachment for arousal to occur. The emotional attachment is the challenge for us, not getting you into bed. On the flip side, the challenge for men is getting us into bed. We are wired differently and that is ok.
How can we cope with a dwindling libido especially when the love for our partner grows stronger with each passing day? Our ability to show love in a physical sense can taper off after time. Many men make the incorrect assumption that the butterflies of newness women feel are the same as love and they are very wrong. I can love my boyfriend but feel intense butterflies about someone else. Have you ever sat at a bar, flirting with someone new and felt intense chemistry? That chemistry is your body telling you that you might be sexually compatible with someone.
When you've been married to someone for half a century, you don't need your body to tell you that you are compatible with that person. You stop flirting with each other and those feelings go away and that is ok. Getting those butterflies back is something many couples desperately try and force but it isn't happening. Those butterflies are a chemical reaction and it is impossible to bring newness back to a relationship. You can rekindle your relationship and you can take wonderful adventures but trying to create newness is an exercise in futility. You aren't new anymore. Deal with it.…
