About Him · Chastity & Orgasm Denial

Modern Marriage: Using chastity as a tool and not a weapon

In some relationships, the cage is used as a tool to coerce the man to proactively be something or act a certain way. In other relationships the cage can be used as a way to punish the husband or atone for an action or lack of action. One of these is a proactive and positive approach and the other is a reactive and negative approach. The negative approach has the potential to create resentment and negativity. Consider instead, a committed modern relationship that employs the use of chastity as a relationship tool to proactively build trust and intimacy together.

If he does something noteworthy, give praise, a hug and whisper into his ear “go lock it on for me and bring me the key”. Some couples equate the cage to his penis being locked in jail while he is sentenced to some sort of period of penance. Once the period of time has elapsed, the cage is removed and he is no longer serving his sentence. Relationships should not be punitive! You both are committed to the happiness of the other and it is unlikely that one or the other partner is doing deeds to intentionally upset the other. If so, that is a bigger problem but a problem that should be solved with conversation and discussion. Kev and I went down the road of punishment and correction but realized that it created unnecessary distance and removed intimacy.

The cage on the other hand is a tool for the purpose of helping him redirect his sexual energy. By redirecting sexual energy, he is able to become more in touch with his emotional side and less focused on sexual release. For men, sexual release can become an unconscious undertone for so many interactions, this is known as the sex barter system. When the man’s actions are rooted in the sex barter system, many of his interactions and communication with you are rooted in an unconscious bargaining for sex. There is more to both of you than your sex organs, your relationship and your self worth should all be rooted in so much more than your sexuality.

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Accompany his unlocking with much touching and sexual attention. So many couples say things like “they keys are on the counter, unlock yourself” which is so anticlimactic. Remember that he has been building his sexual energy for days as his body yearns for release. You don’t need to have a parade and cake to celebrate his unlocking but accompanying his unlocking with some light play and teasing is highly recommended to build a strong emotional tie.

Consider flipping the script on your chaste relationship and present chastity and all sexual interaction as a reward and a true act of love. Locking him is a privilege and he should take pride in wearing a cage for you. Over a period of weeks, you may find yourself in a situation where he is asking if he can lock up for you as an act of service rather than the other way around. Wouldn’t that be nice?

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lbp6855

It is truly amazing how deep and nuanced the sex barter system gets with men. Men who are married or in monogamous relationships will still have this undertone in so many ways with women whom in their mind will have potential in the future. Be it true or not. Chastity eliminates this and focuses the energy where it needs to go.

sub-manchester

Very true:We both unconsciously used the sex barter system ‘by default’. Our chastity started as i was obsessed with Her boobs and She teased me wearing no bra in private; we casually discussed how sexy it would be for Her to wear no bra in public, but quickly came to the concept of Her giving me the gift of covering Herself for me. Soon after, a friend sent me some porn pics and She was upset and said i needed to keep myself for Her. i agreed. She was upset for some time so i ‘pursued’ Her again and We realized i was only doing it to get sex. We then agreed sex would be a gift at Her discretion, and that i should always do my best and keep myself for Her.

As We enjoyed the benefits of chastity, i became very clear on how men need this ‘education’. We love chastity as a gift, i indeed see it as a gift from Her to me.

midlife_marty

For us, the only thing that attracts “punishment” is when I violate the chastity oath. My wife makes me feel ashamed like a horny teenager caught in the act. Her encouragement and the shame of losing control are what keeps me on my best behaviour.

Russ195

For us, it is a tool and not done to be cruel or “you’re not having an orgasm for 6 months”. It is a tool that encourages me to not masturbate without permission. It is a tool to reduce male masturbation. Males can go without masturbating, but need a little boost to stay honest about it.

williamportor

JMHO – This is simply wordplay. Call it “correction” “education” “behavior modification” “edification” or whatever… submissive males locked in chastity cages are often kept locked beyond their normal lock up time because their dominant women feel they have engaged in behavior or have made comments she feels to have been rude, offensive, or disrespectful. It’s called punishment…and there is nothing whatsoever wrong with it. The increased lock up time raises his frustration level and keeps it that way until she decides otherwise. This practice is perfectly acceptable, harms no one, and results in a better behaved sub male who will respect his dominant lady’s wishes, and speak and act in a manner she deems appropriate.