![Body & Self: Is small penis shaming a feminist issue? [XOJane]](https://evolvingyourman.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/pickle-sizes.jpg.avif)
In the wake of a recent article about small penis humiliation and similarly themed works from the artist Mare I’ve thought about the body shaming and negative body image associated with this type of play. In a comments thread, @chaste_hubby brought up some similar questions. I ran across an article from the now defunct xojane online magazine which talks about small penises and body shaming. Kev and I have been doing SPH play off and on and he really enjoys it but sometimes I wonder if my comments are hurtful even though they are said in jest. Perhaps reinforcing an unhealthy body image that may lie beneath his surface. In any case, here is a republish of a blog from the XOJane online magazine which was written by Julieanne in November of 2011. While it doesn’t go as far as I would like in terms of concerns about male body shaming, it does address some thoughts around the subject. Leave a comment below and let me know what you think!
There are a lot of times when I’m aware that I’m being a bad feminist. I own an Eazy-E album. I am harder on female comedians who have slept with my ex-boyfriends than I am on male comedians who have slept with my ex-boyfriends. I have used the C-word in a non-kooky-English way. If he were a real person, I would prrrrrrobably have sex with that Turtle guy from “Entourage. “But every once in a while, I really can’t tell. I certainly bristled at Brett Ratner calling Olivia Munn a fake-Asian trailer whore. But my response to her assertion that he had a terminal case of shrimp wang was a hearty, Nelson Muntz “HAH ha. “Over at another web site, I have a write-in an advice column for young men. The topic that always comes up in the emails they send is the sensitive one of dick size: “Do I have to tell a girl I have a small dick?” “Do women really care about dick size?” “Are there any girls out there who like small dicks?” “A four inch dick is small? I heard four inches was average!” I want to write them back and tell them that their penises are perfect and how it doesn’t make a difference, and that four inches is basically a megalodon dick, but that would be a lie. Preference aside, we all know that different dicks feel different, unless we have one of those blind vaginas from “Middlesex. “It feels hypocritical for me to defend women whose bodies are different and then turn around and use an (albeit hilarious) nickname for my ex-boyfriend. I can’t say I’ve ever broken up with guys over dick size, but it’s definitely gone in the pro or con column. A guy I’d only been seeing for a few weeks threatened to break up with me if I “didn’t stop working so much,” and even though that’s a bullshit reason to break up with somebody and we really liked each other, I was kind of like, “Goodbye, brother. Peace in this life.” Because his penis was the size of a piece of sushi.
I let a relationship with a guy with a Vincent Gallo tattoo go on for entirely too long (which in this case was anything over 30 minutes) based on the fact that his dick exercises the kind of psychological grip that necessitates professional deprogramming. This was Waco dick.
I just recycle-nailed The Guy who Broke My Heart™ to the horror of my friends, who have no way of knowing that he is hung like when you get too many fillings at Chipotle and the guy behind the counter is like, “Uh oh! Gonna need to add a second tortilla. “In general, unzipping a dude’s pants and finding a piece of Halloween candy is definitely a sad slide whistle moment. It’s probably the same way a guy feels when he takes off my shirt and finds out I’m built like Artie Lange. Does this mean I didn’t learn anything at Bennington???
But, like having fat, we tend to treat having a small penis like a character flaw. These aren’t character flaws! I know it feels good to say something about some jerk’s microbial excuse for genitals, but an asshole is an asshole whether his penis is a sapling or a mighty oak.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I love all underpants creatures, great and small. Fellas, any time you let me see you naked, I’m “Thank you, Jesus”-ing inside like an Anthony Michael Hall movie virgin.
But I DO talk about dicks a lot with my friends. 1/2 Priced Appetizer hour at the Atlantic Pacific Applebee’s might more aptly be called, “Penis Talk with Julieanne Smolinski.”
I think the reason why these conversations are shared with such relish by straight women (and OK, gay men) is that they’re sort of the photo negative of the locker room. It’s a way to parry an objectionable culture that we’ve always been sure happens just out of our ear shot. It’s cattiness in response to bullying, but that doesn’t make it an appropriate salve.
I’m an F cup, so I know what it’s like to have insults or even just “things said” about the size of body parts over which you have no control. I get it! It is the worst! I mean, I guess it’s even worse for men, because there’s no safe and effective cosmetic dick surgery that health insurance will cover. I’m also self-conscious about the size of my nose, and I’ve never been asked to pleasure anybody with it. (It’s me, though, so give it time.)Some men have a great sense of humor about their penises, the way many women have a sense of humor about being fat or brunette or tall or whatever we’re daily forced to have a sense of humor about. The excellent writer, Jason Mulgrew, has expounded notably about living with a Totino’s pizza penis. But am I allowed to joke about it? When I describe a guy to my brunch friend as “the most tragic example of meat rationing since World War II,” and he laughs, is he a bad person? I mean, he is, but that’s why he’s my brunch friend. I will never, ever laugh at a fat joke — not even accidentally. I just don’t find them funny (exception: Fat Guy in a Little Coat, because come on). And yet a poorly-executed mini ween pun can make me laugh appreciatively like a bearded old professor. When I’ve discussed the issue with guy friends, they’ll inevitably say something like, “Well MAYBE women who like huge dicks just have LOOSE VAGINAS.” No, friends. Even world record gang bang holder Lisa Sparks’ vagina can’t be “stretched out” by penises. Any reputable gynecologist whom you ask (for work purposes) will tell you: barring the odd medieval torture device, the only thing that can “loosen” you are age and childbirth.
But see? Having to champion vaginas as a whole when bringing up penis size is disconcerting, as is anything that puts human bodies on the defensive.So, as I tell young guys who ask: Sure, there are women for whom a small dick is not a problem. But just like a lot of men are attracted to women with huge, perfect breasts, a lot of women prefer a big dick.
I’d be tempted to say that, empirically, certain sizes of body parts are just more effective, much in the same way that a bus is more effective at holding 30 people than a car. But it is not objectification to admire a very large bus. And at its root, objectifying people is a feminist issue. Normally, I try to get all of my life lessons from porn and old episodes of “Family Ties.” But if you guys have anything to say on the subject, me and my jingoist vagina are very receptive.**Not in a “loose” way. Ship shape down there.
Note: I wasn’t able to find anyone to ask for permission at XOJane to republish this article. If you own the rights to this article and wish that it be removed, please let me know and I will happily do so.
Thanks for this blog Emma. I didn’t comment on your other references (blogs/forums/comments) about SPH because I happen to be one of those that believes that even when joking or in the context of pressing on someone’s inadequacy emotions, the recipient will always feel that on some level, the person administering the humiliations has some level of actual belief of the reason for the humiliation. Even in jest.
I hope you know by now that I am avid “to each their own” fan and supporter. I know there are people that actually do have a fetish for emotional turmoil related to humiliation, jealousy, inferiority, lack of self-esteem, etc., and to those that receive legitimate enjoyment in theirs lives from it, Godspeed to you. But I believe that many of those fetishists are reluctant participants and that deep down, it is a source of shame for them. And not the good kind. Only they will know the difference. So because it seems to be a high possibility (at least to me) that their self-deprecation is something may feel compelled to participate in while being a source of unhappiness to them, I just never got into humiliation based eroticism … much. Of course there are examples to the contrary like when Ms. K. calls me her slut or her bitch, but the confidence to know that she truly only says that in a playful way comes after many, many years in our lifestyle. Is it any different? Only if I were to truly take offense to it and then felt like it was something I had to endure to keep her happy.
Clearly sexual humiliation can be fun and fruitful, assuming of course that the understanding of the feelings of the one being humiliated are truly and fully understood to be a “good” thing in the context of their relationship. Otherwise, it’s just bullying and mean.
Another excellent blog Emma!
Sub hub, your words resonate with me, especially this part:
“I hope you know by now that I am avid “to each their own” fan and supporter. I know there are people that actually do have a fetish for emotional turmoil related to humiliation, jealousy, inferiority, lack of self-esteem, etc., and to those that receive legitimate enjoyment in theirs lives from it, Godspeed to you. But I believe that many of those fetishists are reluctant participants and that deep down, it is a source of shame for them. And not the good kind. Only they will know the difference.”
I get off on SPH, and my wife has become quite skilled at dishing it out in a way that doesn’t completely destroy my self esteem, but you are right that deep down there are real feelings of shame and humiliation involved. Is it all “the good kind”? I’m not sure, to be honest. Some of my most powerful orgasms have resulted from SPH play, especially when done in conjunction with cuckolding. You might think that because I get so aroused by jealousy, humiliation, and shame, I don’t experience them as painful emotions. But that isn’t entirely true. I think that for a masochist like me, there has to be some real emotional discomfort in order for SPH to have its full erotic effect. I know that most people here aren’t into spanking, but I see the emotional pain from SPH/cuckolding as analogous to the physical pain of spanking. Just because it turns me on to be paddled hard by my wife, that doesn’t mean I don’t experience the pain as real pain. I do. In fact, the reality of it is an essential part of the kink. Does that mean I am a “reluctant participant”? Not really. But then I initiated all the S&M type kinks my wife and I play with. Had the SPH been initiated by my wife, and at an earlier time in our marriage when I felt less secure than I do now, I may not have been able to handle it.
“I know that most people here aren’t into spanking, but I see the emotional pain from SPH/cuckolding as analogous to the physical pain of spanking. Just because it turns me on to be paddled hard by my wife, that doesn’t mean I don’t experience the pain as real pain.”
I understand this completely HC. Spanking, forced cum eating, cuckolding (which I have not experienced) and other rituals involved in a WLM fall into the category of “I love to hate it” or that “I hate to love it” … but I do.
I am among those that are spanked, and sometimes the spankings really hurt. I will often get an erection from spanking but I know that it is NOT from the act of being spanked, but rather the fact that my Wife loves her role and mine enough to want to do it. There is a humiliation aspect to have my pants (or sometimes panties) pulled down for the sole purpose of receiving a hard spanking, of course. But, in our lifestyle, it is a necessary part of how she maintains control and discipline.
Emma, I would like to try to answer the question you raised in your introduction to the XOJane article: is SPH hurtful even if it is done in jest? I can only answer based on my own feelings about SPH play with my wife, of course, but I am going to say that, yes, it can be somewhat hurtful, even though it is sexually exciting. My wife and I only began cuckolding, and SPH in conjunction with cuckolding, after many years of marriage. I’m not sure I would have been able to handle those things as a young man or if I didn’t feel very secure in my marriage. To be perfectly honest, I must confess that SPH has probably undermined my sexual confidence. I started having problems with erectile dysfunction at a fairly young age, but I was for a long time able to overcome it with Viagra. But Viagra doesn’t give me the same boost it used to, and I think the reason is, at least in part, psychological. I guess my wife and I are a bit of a cliché because when she started to have sex with other men, she really cut down on piv sex with me and eventually stopped completely. Sometimes when we are having non-piv sex, I manage to get half decent erections. When that happens, I sometimes ask my wife if she would like to have piv sex with me. When she inevitably turns me down, I always feel a little disappointed but greatly relieved because I think I would probably lose my erection due to performance anxiety if my wife said yes. I think I have come to feel that my penis really is inadequate for piv sex, so I feel more secure when my wife says she doesn’t need me for that kind of sex. SPH has also affected my fantasies about extramarital sex. I used to think that I would like to have an open marriage that would allow me to engage in extramarital sex too. But I feel much safer and more secure as a cuckold than I would as a swinger because I feel that I would have terrible performance anxiety if I became sexually involved with any woman other than my wife. I guess all this is to say that SPH may be sexually incapacitating, even when done playfully. I am not complaining about my lot. I enjoy the way things are with my wife. But I think that some people may see my experience as a cautionary tale.