It is no secret that about 80% of male chastity is initiated by the male and in this blog I provide context and encourage men to communicate about the pros and cons of embracing this kink/lifestyle. Sometimes the conversation goes very well and sometimes the conversation goes poorly. Below is an example of a conversation that went poorly and the wife in the email excerpt below is not to be faulted for her reluctance to accept the kink that her husband approached her with. Some men feel like their wives owe it to them to participate in new kinks such as chastity, pegging or other female domination fetishes. Newsflash, your wife owes you absolutely nothing sexually.
This email came from a reader, her name has been changed, links have been added and some personal details omitted but otherwise very similar to the email that she sent. She did provide permission for this email to be published, of course. Her email is respectful, and I really feel for what this couple must be going through together.
I think both J and her husband have the best intentions but don't quite know how to navigate this. Their communication about sex leaves something to be desired. I wanted to post this as a blog because all too often men think that relationship challenges are their fault and problems for them to solve on their own. You cannot create happiness by yourself, it just doesn't work that way.
Please talk about problems and work on solutions together. Don't try to figure it out on your own. Your relationship is a two way street and coming up with a own one-sided solution is a recipe for resentment. If you don't communicate, she may not even know there is a problem that needs solving.
Fantastic answer. She and her husband need to find out what the problem is. I am not sure the husband knows himself what it is. He just knows something isn’t quite right.
They are going to need to talk a lot but if they can things will get better.
I imagine J’s story is more than just common. J, if read this, please understand that it’s likely his deep deep love for you and his desire for that love to remain until “death do you part” that is behind his desire to reveal this to you. Like Emma said, communication is important.
I went through the very same trepidations at the threshold of our journey in this lifestyle. I knew that if her reaction was unfavorable, I, no we may be doomed. As such, I spent a long time rehearsing in my head exactly I wanted to deliver the most thing for me I was hoping for in asking her to accept my submission. That being my desire to be in a constant state of desire for HER and her only, and in doing so, provide her with the most fulfilling, loving and blissful life possible. *knock on wood, this is is exactly where we are today.
My very first blog entry (8 years ago) tried to explain the “why” behind it all. Reading it again 8 years later, I see where I could’ve used different, better words to explain what I mean, but for the most part does a good enough job explaining the “why”.
If you have an interest, feel free to check it out here.
Welcome to the site and stay close to Emma on this. She knows what she is doing.
I think you gave good advice, Emma. Based on my own experience, I suspect the husband has always had fantasies of sexual submission, but as long as he and his wife were having good vanilla sex, his D/s fantasies were in the background. Unfortunately, after years of marriage, vanilla sex comes to seem boring and routine for both partners. If the wife has a health problem that makes intercourse painful, or if the husband begins to struggle with erectile dysfunction, their sexual bond will be further damaged.
So what does a husband do in that situation? He finds a sexual outlet in masturbatory fantasies, and since he has always had D/s fantasies, he is drawn to websites like yours that explore various kinds of FLR. The more he withdraws into his D/s sexual fantasies, the more alienated he feels from his wife. He probably feels guilty about masturbating too, as you said. So he asks his wife for a D/s relationship involving enforced chastity. That would have a dual advantage: it would restrain him from masturbating, thereby relieving his feelings of guilt, and having something as intimate as his access to orgasms controlled by his wife would satisfy his deep desire to feel submissive and emotionally connected to her. I think you are also right that if penetrative sex has become unpleasant for his wife, he probably misses the self esteem he used to get from being able to give her sexual pleasure. Therefore, he is perhaps hoping to that, with his penis locked up, he and his wife will find new ways for him to pleasure her that don’t give her discomfort or make him feel inadequate.
I empathize with the wife who feels alarmed by the discovery, after years of marriage, of her husband’s D/s kinks. But they will need to communicate about it, as you said, because those D/s kinks are not going to go away. She is not obligated to act on his kinks, but simply ignoring them isn’t a realistic option either.