The purpose and scientific motivations for human relationships and bonding comes down to lust, attraction and attachment. Each of these three have their own set of hormones. Testosterone and estrogen drive lust. Serotonin drive attraction and oxytocin and vasopressin drive attachment. When we feel the right cocktail of those hormones, we feel the complex emotion of love.

What is love anyway?

The American Psychological Association defines love as “a complex emotion involving strong feelings of affection and tenderness for the love object,” as well as “positive sensations in their presence, care for their well-being, and sensitivity to their opinions.” Many describe love as a relationship between two people that makes them feel a certain way. We sum this up with one word, love which I personally think is overly simplistic because the love I feel for a sibling is quite different than the love I feel for Kevin or the love I feel toward my boyfriend. In some relationships, love can feel like something you can’t give enough of while in other relationships love can feel like an obligation. We can feel levels of love for someone shortly after meeting them and we can feel love for people years after they have passed away.

But, beyond these definitions, how exactly does love work? Let’s talk through some of the chemistry, biology, and evolutionary aspects of love and sexual/interpersonal relationships. The greeks for example have many words for love and each is very difference nuance to this complex emotion.

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Men are sexmongers!

Men in modern society are seen as lust driven monsters who will act on every sexual opportunity that presents itself in front of them, often by force or coercion. Married women, children, nobody is safe from a man in heat. While sexual predators exist, this couldn’t be further from the truth. When sexual scarcity exists, some men become more dominant while others retract to emotion. When there is a scarcity of food, some people will start a farm and others will steal food from others. Sex is a resource like food, water, housing and money and you can trade any of those resources for sex. The oldest profession in the world, prostitution is proof that sex is a a resource. This doesn’t mean that all men are monsters, it simply means that like all humans, men are driven by resource accumulation. Attaining a sexual resource is staking your ownership claim on a woman as the modern institution of marriage is often seen.

Love and motivation

In my mind, love is the motivation emotion. If I love you, I’ll drive across the country for you, I’ll give you money, maybe I would even die or kill for you. If you need to bury a body, you know the short list of people you can call that will help you and there is no doubt that every last person on that list loves you. Does it matter if it is mutual? It often does but sometimes unreciprocated love can be every bit as strong or even stronger if the person feels like it may motivate the favor of the other person.

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Pair bonding

Sexual activity in pair bonds is associated with the activation of subcortical structures that support basic motivational and physiological processes which mediate complex thinking, empathy, and other processes that make us feel a greater level of well-being. In human relationships, partner preference and pair bonding is greatly influenced by sex. While our sex drive for many women is noticeably stronger during ovulation, we have sex in times when pregnancy is unlikely or nearly impossible. Satisfying sex is seen as an indicator of good health and an influencer of partner preference. Orgasm is a rush of those sex hormones and also increases the chances that men and women will select that partner again for a sexual encounter. A reward for a job well done, if you will. Many couples feel an intense physical closeness after orgasm while others repel their partner after orgasm.

Women: More satisfying sex

With women having the role of selector and men having the role of selectee in human sexual relationships, women also experience a greater level of sexual dissatisfaction and desire a greater level of mate novelty. Most men have a lower level of sexual opportunity, resulting in a real or perceived mate shortage. That disparity can cause men to hold on to female mates who may have shown signs of desiring younger, more attractive, healthier, higher status or more money. Women on the other hand have been conditioned to suppress the desire for sex and favor the emotional connection by placing safety and security on a higher pedestal than personal pleasure. Women tend to look at sex through the lens of long term consequences of successful procreation. While options exist such as abortion and adoption, the result of a successful procreation is a nine month pregnancy and caring for a child. For men, sex has for fewer consequences so it is easier to see it through a short term perspective.

The ability to have separate partners to fulfill those separate needs takes us back to the first paragraph where I outlined the different sets of hormones. A core, anchor or emotional partner who triggers oxytocin and vasopressin or attachment hormones is key to provide a foundation of safety and security. Without the secure emotional base it is difficult to unlock our more animalistic sexual energy. In fact, women who leave one partner for another on the basis of fulfilling lustful urges often finding themselves changing the dynamic of the lust powered relationship to an emotional relationship, thusly repeating the cycle. Men who identify as sapiosexual and somewhat reserved will usually be the best core or anchor partners because they will allow your baseline feelings and emotions to feel more validated. These men are typically career driven, more likely to be college educated and intelligent. They aren’t afraid to have a philosophical conversation in bed, laughter and smiles often accompany a deeply connected partner like this.

More traditionally masculine partners will drive your the testosterone, estrogen and serotonin which drive lust and attraction. Emotions take much longer to cultivate and grow while lust burns like a match, brief and powerful but typically burns out quickly. Laughter and emotional connection in bed will rarely accompany this type of partner.

Learning to separate the needs of our minds and bodies within a cuckold type relationship is the best way to gain fulfillment of both of your sexual sides. I typically recommend two partners who are polar opposites because you can get those vastly different needs met while still maintaining very separate and concise boundaries between them. With that said, we all have a “type” and commonalities with the features and characteristics that we find attractive and comfortable so your partners will often feel similar and in some ways.

Men: Sperm competition

For men, the majority of the allure of cuckold relationships comes from a completely explainable and biological phenomenon called sperm competition. When a man mates with a female who has recently mated, he will naturally release more sperm and mate more vigorously. When a woman has a more timid or what one might call a docile or beta (I hate this term) male, who is more in touch with his emotional side, she often will love the opportunity to unlock another side. I personally love seeing my partner overcome with erotic energy whether that be pleasure, frustration or even just seeing him succumb to his purely animalistic side. I don’t want a man with predominantly animalistic traits as a partner though, I need a deeply emotional partner as my primary relationship in my life.

It isn’t uncommon for men to feel a deep shame for being aroused by the idea of their partner being with another male. That is the reason this practice falls into the genre of kink and fetish but it is a very human trait that is becoming more mainstream as it is better understood. For men, I think it is highly important to try and understand this trait rather than suppress it. As you actively begin to explore this arousal cycle, it will likely become addicting because you’ve tapped into a brand new response cycle. The fetishization and more appeal of cuckold dynamics is relatively recent although it has existed forever. A man with a cuckold fetish in past times would be a sexual deviant but in more recent times would more mainstream.

Sexual denial and humiliation

In porn, you will see sexual humiliation and denial in a cuckold relationship. While these two can go together and there is admittedly a fine line between the two dynamics, they can also be separated. Let’s discuss them separately. Sexual denial is about mate preference and you selecting another mate over your husband. When you deny him sex while simultaneously receiving sex from another partner, he feels replaced which increases the arousal levels of sperm competition. Let’s imagine that your husband is present during a sexual experience in a typical cuckold scenario where he is watching but not participating.

You can reinforce this positively by making direct eye contact, and mouthing the words “thank you” or “I love you” during the experience. You can show love and compassion in your eyes and try to connect with him emotionally during your experience with the other partner. This will typically have the largest amount of build up and emotional response from your husband because he enters a state of compersion. This compersive state allows him to focus on your pleasure and channel it for his own. He can see the joy and lust on your face and you can simultaneously see that he is satisfied by watching you being pleased. Men are problem solvers by nature, especially the sapiosexual and emotionally aroused bunch. Solving your arousal and sexual problem will be deeply rewarding.

There is a fine line between denial and humiliation and there are a few reasons to take the humiliation approach. If you husband needs reasons and reassurance, it can be useful to call out the obvious trait differences that you find attractive in your other partner. You may refer to him is a bull and use very direct comments like “he is so much more muscular/manly than you”, “his dick is so much larger than your little penis”. This is positive about your bull and draws a negative comparison to your husband which may over time feel less than. This also changes the cuckold dynamic from a passionate fling where your husband is denied sex, it becomes a comparison where his is denied sex because characteristics that he may be insecure about.

You can bump your level of power and control while simultaneously increasing both the denial and the humiliation by implementing a chastity cage which will prevent him from using or touching his penis until you choose to unlock him. You quite literally hold the key to his sexuality. It can be loads of fun and the power can be intoxicating.

The royalty perk

Another less discussed topic about male cuckold relationships is the royalty perk. This is the idea that he is king or most top dog when it comes to your desire. Ultimately she comes home to him and he is king of his castle and the object of the greatest affection. There is a fine line between feelings of misogyny/objectification and owning her sexuality vs genuinely feeling valued that she is so desirable to other men but coming home to you. This is one to talk about and if the reasons are directly related to relationship empowerment and supporting your relationship hierarchy then this might be a fun one to play with. I may write an entire blog about this one at some point because the line is so fine between wonderful and toxic.

A dry run

Whatever approach you decide to take, communicate openly about the pros, cons and fears about opening up each step of the way. role play at home a bit to see how each method works. You can play with a toy and communicate arousal and frustration levels openly. You can take frequent breaks to discuss feelings and stop altogether if things get too intense. It will be much easier to stop if there isn’t a third person present although you should feel comfortable stopping in any scenario.

Summary

A positive cuckold dynamic focuses on sexual denial and love and not humiliation. Humiliation adds a layer of negativity to the fetish that some couples may not like even though it is just a fantasy. Determine what you need from love and how does cuckold fantasy support the loving relationship that you have with your husband? This is after all about building and supporting your core relationship and satisfying parts of your life that you may find unfilled or longing for more.

Love can have wide-ranging effects on the brain and body, and it may serve an important role in the perpetuation of the human species. Most of the above is related to male/female relationships because that seems to be where most of the research has been done. It most certainly applies to any relationship dynamic and you should draw your own conclusions as to the partner in your relationship with more masculine and more feminine set of traits. While love can be filled with happiness and excitement, it can also be confusing, scary, and painful at times. It is important to communicate with your partner often and deeply to ensure that you are both on the same page. I can’t stress communication enough.

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