Ask Emma: How Do I Get Rid of My Cuckold Fetish?

Dear Emma,

My wife and I have been readers of your blog for several years, and recently became supporters. We really enjoy reading your posts, especially when it comes to the cuckold fantasy. It has been something that we’ve played with in our relationship for a while, but lately, it seems like it’s overtaken our marriage. Neither of us wants to go full cuckold and involve a third person, but the fantasy feels all-consuming—mostly for me.

I can’t even get hard unless I think of her with another man, and all of the porn we watch is cuckold porn. We’re constantly exploring humiliation through roleplay. At first, it seemed fun, but we’ve both realized that we don’t actually like it and don’t want to continue down this path with cuckold defining our sex life. The problem is, we can’t stop it cold turkey.

I know this probably sounds silly, especially because you are a huge advocate of cuckold relationships, but I honestly don’t know where else to turn.

Thank you so much for reading and for any advice you can offer.

Sincerely,
Feeling Stuck

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Hi Feeling Stuck,

First, thank you so much for supporting the blog and for trusting me with your question. It’s never easy to bring something so personal into the light, especially when it’s something that feels overwhelming or complicated. You’re definitely not alone in navigating this—many people go through similar experiences, and I appreciate the opportunity to help you process it.

Let me start by saying this: I’m a strong advocate of relationships, and I believe the best thing you can do in any relationship is to get to the core of what works for you and your partner. Sometimes that means exploring dynamics like cuckolding, and sometimes it means deciding that a certain dynamic no longer serves you. You’ve identified that this cuckold fantasy is no longer working for you, and I applaud you both for being willing to face this issue head-on. This is a huge step in the right direction.

I think a lot of people assume that because I write about cuckold relationships, I’m always going to advocate for all forms of cuckold play. But that’s not the case. The reality is that what works for some couples might not work for others—and that’s completely okay. Relationships are personal, and as you’ve clearly realized, it’s important to be honest with yourselves about what brings you both fulfillment.

So, How Do You Deprogram a Fantasy?

Deprogramming a kink or a fantasy, especially one that’s become so entwined with your sexual identity, is no easy task. But it’s definitely possible, and it requires patience, self-compassion, and intentionality.

The first thing to understand is that kinks and fetishes don’t just appear out of nowhere—they are shaped by various factors, including past experiences, psychological associations, and the media we consume. In your case, it sounds like the cuckold fantasy has become something that’s not just an occasional turn-on, but something that you’ve come to rely on for arousal. You mentioned that you can’t even get hard unless you’re thinking of your wife with another man, and that suggests that your mind has connected that fantasy to sexual arousal in a powerful way.

This kind of conditioning is actually pretty common in sexual psychology. When certain stimuli (like thoughts, images, or fantasies) become associated with pleasure or sexual satisfaction, it can be difficult to break that association. Your brain has essentially been rewiring itself to rely on that dynamic in order to feel sexually engaged.

But just because this conditioning has occurred doesn’t mean it’s permanent. With time, effort, and a thoughtful approach, you can retrain your brain to break that cycle. I wrote a blog about decucking your life but it is asked from time to time and worth revisiting a bit.

Start by Examining Why You’re Attached to the Fantasy

It’s helpful to start by reflecting on why this fantasy became so important to you in the first place. What feelings does the cuckold fantasy evoke? Is it the thrill of humiliation, the sense of powerlessness, or something else? Understanding the emotional component of your fantasy can help you figure out what needs to be addressed. Are you craving something external, like the feeling of being controlled or the desire to see your wife empowered?

Often, fantasies are tied to deeper psychological needs or emotional desires. They may reflect a longing for validation, excitement, or emotional release. By identifying those needs, you can begin to shift your focus to ways that you find more fulfilling within your relationship.

Create New Associations

Once you’ve started identifying the emotional root of the fantasy, it’s time to focus on creating new associations. This is where the deprogramming starts to take shape. Instead of relying on the cuckold scenario for arousal, try introducing new fantasies or behaviors that excite you both but don’t involve that particular dynamic.

For example, explore roleplay that empowers both of you without introducing a third person. Maybe it’s about building more trust and intimacy or playing with other types of power dynamics that don’t tap into humiliation. You might also explore fantasies that feel empowering for both partners, such as exploring dominance and submission in other ways.

Pick something new or different to replace cuckolding, something like pegging. Think of her going to town on you with a strap-on every time you are aroused. Don’t try to replace the idea of cuckolding, let the thought exist and fade but don’t reward it with dopamine. It is much easier to replace a fetish by fetishizing something new and novel than it is to try and remove something. Cuckolding will never go away completely, it will just become less important to you and less arousing.

Gradually, you can begin replacing the cuckold fantasy with these new experiences, retraining your brain’s sexual associations. It’s important to remember that this will take time, and it’s okay to experience some frustration or setbacks along the way.

Be Open with Your Partner

Since you and your wife are already on the same page about not wanting to continue with the cuckold dynamic, it’s important to keep the lines of communication open. Make sure you’re both checking in with each other regularly, not just about the changes you’re trying to make but also about your feelings throughout the process. Changing a dynamic that has become so integral to your sexual life can be challenging, and being supportive of each other will go a long way.

It’s also important to be realistic. You’re not going to stop cold turkey without some effort, and you might still find yourselves slipping into old habits at times. That’s normal, so don’t be hard on yourselves when it happens. The key is to stay consistent, stay curious, and keep pushing toward a healthier sexual dynamic. You might consider entertaining a cuckold fetish once a week, then once a month and then every few months until the urge is out of your sexytime play completely.

Redirect Your Energy to Exploration

As part of deprogramming the cuckold fantasy, consider expanding your sexual exploration to new territories. You don’t have to throw out everything you’ve enjoyed, but maybe it’s time to try something different. Focus on intimacy-building activities like tantric sex, exploring mutual fantasies that don’t involve a third party, or learning how to communicate even more openly about your desires.

Remember, your sexual connection isn’t defined by one kink or one fantasy and I think that is where you came to together. You are starting to feel like the cuckold fantasy is consuming you, as you put the brakes on cuckolding and put the gas on something else, you might find that you want it in your life in a lesser capacity. The entire thing is fascinating and it is an evolving journey that will continue to grow as you both explore together.

Why Do We Use Kinks and Fantasies in the First Place?

Kinks, fantasies, and fetishes are part of the complex human sexual experience. They provide excitement, a sense of novelty, or even emotional release. Sometimes, they allow us to explore power dynamics, control, vulnerability, or intimacy in ways that feel safe or exhilarating. But they also help us explore our emotions and experiences that we might not otherwise process directly.

In some cases, people become deeply attached to a particular fantasy because it allows them to feel something they may not be able to access otherwise—whether that’s empowerment, freedom, or a feeling of being deeply desired. Understanding why we use these fantasies is crucial to deprogramming or shifting them. Once you understand the emotional or psychological reward they’re providing, you can find new ways to achieve that same satisfaction through healthier, more sustainable practices.

The Ball is in Your Court

I hope this gives you some insight into the process of moving away from this cuckold fantasy. It’s great that you’ve both identified that this dynamic isn’t working for you anymore, and that you’re committed to making a change. Take your time with this process, stay patient with each other, and remember that growth in relationships is all about continuous communication and exploration.

And of course, thank you again for your support of the site. I take questions from supporters, and your comments and questions might show up in a future blog just like this! So supporters, hop over to the secret forum and ask away—I’d love to hear from you. For those of you who aren’t able to support the site, please post in the forum, I still want to hear from you!

Best of luck on this new chapter, and keep us posted on how things are going.

With love and support,
Emma