Dear Emma,
I don’t really know how to start this, but I feel like I’ve been abandoned in my own marriage and my abandonment trauma is controlling the happiness I can feel with my wife. Five years ago, we decided to open things up, and since then, it’s like the spark between us has vanished. My wife has all but lost sexual interest in me. At this point, we’re more like housemates than anything resembling partners. We work together at my father’s business, so most of our conversations at home revolve around that. There’s no depth, no intimacy—it’s just routine.
We’ve tried cuckold scenarios in the past, and honestly, those moments felt like a lifeline for me. They weren’t perfect, but I felt a deep level of connection and intimacy at being included in that part of her life. It felt very special and she said it felt special to her as well – at least we felt connected in some way.
Now, she’s more into dating separately, and we’re living what feel like separate sexual lives. I don’t date because, frankly, my sex drive is lower, and that kind of connection doesn’t appeal to me the way it seems to for her. What I really want is some kind of validation—something that says I’m still a good husband, a good partner, and a man who matters in this relationship.
I’ve worked on this in therapy and talked a lot about how the validation I seek from cuckoldry ties into my past. My therapist says it’s likely connected to abandonment trauma—being put up for adoption as a kid, having my first wife leave without warning, and now, feeling like I’m being emotionally left behind in this marriage. It’s not just about sex for me. It’s about safety, connection, and knowing I still have a role in her life beyond providing for her financial and emotional stability.
I’ve tried to talk to her about this, but I’m at a loss. I don’t want to come across as the guy just begging his wife to “cuck” him because that’s not what this is. I need her to see how much I’m struggling and to meet me halfway. If she can’t, I’m not sure how much longer I can keep doing this.
– Abandoned
Dear Abandoned,
Thank you for opening up and sharing such a deeply personal story. Your vulnerability reflects a profound strength, and it’s clear that you’re earnestly seeking a path to emotional healing and connection. Let’s unpack your situation and explore how cuckold scenarios, or other forms of shared intimacy, might play a role in addressing feelings of abandonment while fostering a deeper bond with your wife.
Understanding the Roots of Abandonment Trauma
Abandonment trauma often leaves scars that influence our adult relationships in subtle yet powerful ways. Feeling left behind or dismissed, whether by a parent, partner, or anyone significant, can create an enduring sense of insecurity and an aching need for validation. This longing isn’t about weakness; it’s about wanting to feel seen, loved, and valued.
For you, it sounds like the cuckold fetish isn’t just about eroticism—it’s a framework that you’ve come to rely on to feel both vulnerable and valued. The dynamic allows you to observe your wife’s pleasure while also maintaining a connection to her, even indirectly. When consensually explored, this provides reassurance and affirms your role in her life, helping to soothe those old wounds of feeling “not enough.”
When Fetish Meets Healing
Cuckold dynamics can uniquely mirror themes of trust, surrender, and intimacy. For some, it’s not simply about the act itself but the emotional interplay that it fosters. Watching your wife embrace her sexuality, knowing she’s comfortable enough to do so with your blessing, can be profoundly validating. It’s a way to say, “I’m here, I see you, and I want this for you.”
The challenge, however, is ensuring it feels reciprocal and emotionally fulfilling for both partners. Your current struggle stems from feeling like this exploration has become one-sided. While she’s embraced her freedom, you feel left on the sidelines without the mutual connection you’re seeking. This imbalance has left you feeling abandoned once again, turning what could be healing into a source of additional pain.
Anchor Your Needs in Connection
Your wife needs to understand that this isn’t just about sexual gratification—it’s about emotional safety and validation. Frame your discussions not as a request for more cuckold scenarios but as a desire to feel closer to her, using this dynamic as a bridge. Share how this aligns with your deeper emotional needs and how her participation makes you feel cherished rather than abandoned.
Rebuild the Core Relationship
Before diving deeper into the fetish, prioritize rebuilding the foundation of your partnership. Relationships thrive on more than just physical intimacy; emotional connection, shared goals, and a sense of partnership matter deeply. Cuckold play can become a structured, intentional part of your relationship, emphasizing your bond instead of highlighting your separation.
- Carve out non-business-focused time: Your work overlap seems to dominate your shared space. Schedule time for activities that allow you to bond as individuals, not colleagues.
- Reignite emotional intimacy: Share memories, dreams, or even fears you haven’t discussed in a while. Emotional vulnerability paves the way for physical closeness.
- Involve her in discussions: Ask her what she enjoys most and how you can participate in ways that feel exciting for both of you. Your focus seems to be on your needs and your needs are important but they need to be framed in a way that validates both of your relationship needs.
- Establish affirming rituals: Before or after any encounter, have moments where she acknowledges your value, praises your role, or expresses her gratitude for your support. For Kev and I this means quality time together, we find oral sex before and after an experience with someone else to be very empowering in a way that prioritizes our relationship and our value for each other.
Explore New Roles
If your lower sex drive has made you hesitant to date separately, consider other ways to explore the dynamic. Perhaps being more active in scenarios—whether as an observer, a participant, or even a cheerleader—could help you feel involved and appreciated. Consider that your wife may simply not be into having you present in her external relationships.
Cuckolding may not be something she wants to do with you but there are other options. Have you tried experimenting with pegging, BDSM, domestic discipline and male chastity? One or more of those concepts might appeal to you in ways that you found cuckolding.
While individual therapy is invaluable, working with a therapist together can help you both navigate these dynamics in a safe, supportive way. A skilled professional can help your wife understand how her actions (or inaction) may unintentionally reinforce your abandonment fears.
Understanding the Emotional Layers of Cuckoldry
Cuckold dynamics are often misunderstood as purely sexual, but for many, they are deeply emotional and psychological. In your case, it’s about much more than erotic scenarios—it’s a way to feel seen, valued, and connected in your marriage. Sharing this perspective with your wife is crucial. Explain that cuckoldry isn’t just an indulgence but a tool to address specific emotional needs, like validation and security. By participating in these dynamics together, you’re seeking a way to maintain intimacy while navigating her higher sex drive and your desire for connection. It’s not about control or competition; it’s about creating a unique bond that honors both of your needs.
Framing It as a Collaborative Experience
To help her understand the importance of this dynamic, shift the narrative from being “your fetish” to something you both share. Emphasize that cuckoldry can strengthen your relationship by fostering trust and communication. It’s an opportunity for her to express her sexuality freely while allowing you to feel included and valued. Discuss how intentional participation—like her acknowledging your role or sharing her thoughts and feelings—can make the experience feel more reciprocal and less isolating for you. When she sees it as a mutual journey rather than just your request, she may feel more invested in making it work for both of you.
Cuckolding should be something she does to you rather than with you, but that doesn’t diminish the collaborative nature of the experience. In fact, the core of cuckolding is deeply tied to trust, communication, and the careful consideration of each partner’s desires and boundaries. While the physical act may involve her engaging with another man, the emotional and psychological elements are woven around the commitment she has to you. She is choosing to prioritize you with her sexual energy, a powerful force that nurtures and sustains the connection between you two. This isn’t about exclusion; it’s about reaffirming the unique bond you share, one where your needs are still central. She uses her sexual experiences with others not to detach from you but to enhance your relationship by offering you a heightened sense of intimacy, trust, and personal validation.
For many, cuckolding can bring out an intense emotional connection, because it’s not about denying the cuck’s importance, but about amplifying it. When she directs her sexual energy toward other men, it can actually create an environment where you feel valued and validated. This experience may fulfill your need for emotional and sexual significance in the marriage, allowing you to see her as someone who is confident in her sexuality and still deeply invested in you. It’s a paradox of empowerment—her freedom and exploration enhance the relationship, making you feel even more secure and important in your marriage. At its core, cuckolding isn’t about competition or rejection; it’s about deepening the emotional and sexual bonds between you, reinforcing her desire to prioritize your connection, and affirming the trust that anchors your partnership.
Connecting to the Bigger Picture
Your wife may not realize how deeply this dynamic ties into your emotional health and the longevity of your marriage. Explain that the lack of participation or connection in this area doesn’t just leave a physical void but amplifies feelings of abandonment, which are rooted in your past experiences. This isn’t about pressuring her but about helping her see the bigger picture—by leaning into this dynamic, she’s actively contributing to your emotional healing and the long-term stability of your relationship. When she understands that her involvement isn’t just “optional fun” but an integral part of your bond, it may shift her perspective.
Inclusion by humiliation is a concept that may seem paradoxical at first, but for many, it creates a deeply empowering and cathartic experience. Humiliation, when done consensually and within the boundaries of a trusting relationship, can draw you in by forcing you to confront aspects of yourself in a way that feels both vulnerable and freeing. Comparing attributes of you—whether it’s your physical appearance, sexual performance, or your place within the relationship—can heighten feelings of submission and make you more acutely aware of your position in the dynamic.
This intentional lowering of your status within the context of cuckolding can evoke a sense of submission not only to her but also to her bull, accentuating the power imbalance in a way that can amplify desire and deepen intimacy. It’s a psychological dance where the power of submission becomes something that you choose, something that ultimately brings you closer to her by allowing you to express and process raw emotions.
The catharsis of humiliation often lies in its ability to strip away external defenses, leaving room for profound emotional release and personal growth. For some, it acts as a coping strategy, allowing them to release pent-up frustrations, insecurities, or stress in a controlled and safe environment.
The process of being humiliated can force you to face your vulnerabilities head-on, offering a form of emotional release that is ultimately healing. Instead of being a negative experience, humiliation in the context of cuckolding can become a way to let go of societal expectations, self-imposed pressures, or emotional baggage, ultimately helping you reclaim control over your emotions and your desires. The empowerment comes from choosing to surrender to the experience, allowing yourself to embrace and process difficult feelings in a way that nurtures personal growth and strengthens the connection within the relationship.
Aligning the Dynamic With Shared Goals
Finally, frame cuckoldry as a way to align with shared goals for your relationship—intimacy, trust, and happiness. Ask her to consider how this dynamic could create more balance between her freedom and your need for connection. Share examples of how being actively involved, even in small ways like discussing her experiences or expressing appreciation for your support, can create a feedback loop of love and validation. Emphasize that it’s not about changing who she is or limiting her autonomy; it’s about finding a way to make your chosen lifestyle nourishing for both of you. Collaboration and understanding can transform this fetish into a tool for mutual growth.
When Is It Time to Reevaluate?
Despite your efforts, there’s always the possibility that your wife may not be willing or able to meet you where you are. If that happens, it’s crucial to ask yourself some hard questions:
- Are your needs for emotional safety, intimacy, and validation being respected?
- Are you sacrificing too much of yourself to keep the relationship afloat?
- Do you feel empowered to advocate for what you deserve in this partnership?
Your journey is about healing and growth, not self-abandonment. Staying in a situation that perpetuates old wounds can sometimes hurt more than walking away. Re-evaluation doesn’t mean abandonment, it can simply mean escalating the tone of the conversation from “wants” to “needs.”
Moving Forward
Healing abandonment trauma is a lifelong journey, but you’ve already taken significant steps by recognizing its impact and seeking a path forward. I can’t imagine the challenges that the abandonment stemming from your mother must have caused for you. While cuckold dynamics can play a role, they’re just one piece of a larger puzzle. By fostering deeper communication, building rituals of connection, and prioritizing your emotional well-being, you can find fulfillment—either within this relationship or beyond it.
Your wife is your partner and needs to be heavily invested in your mental health, you aren’t simply an idle passenger in the life that she dictates to you. Ensure that you are communicating your needs so she can be an active participant in your life. What you discuss with your therapist needs to be disseminated to your wife so she can help you on your path and ultimately deepen the connection within your marriage. I added more questions than normal below and I’m willing to do a follow-up if any of those questions spark compelling dialog.
Evolving Your Conversation
- How can you and your partner create a dynamic that feels emotionally validating for both of you?
- How might you reframe vulnerability as a source of strength rather than weakness?
- How does your wife feel about the emotional role cuckold dynamics play in your relationship?
- What are her fears or reservations about participating more actively in this scenario?
- How can you both balance her autonomy with your need for emotional inclusion?
- What specific steps can she take to make you feel validated and appreciated within this dynamic?
- How might exploring this together deepen your trust and overall intimacy?
