Dominant women in female-led relationships or kink dynamics often find themselves balancing empowerment, trust, and mutual respect. However, an unsettling phenomenon can creep in: the “kink dispenser” trap. This happens when submissive partners reduce the dominant to someone whose role is solely to facilitate or fulfill fetishes and kinks, neglecting her individuality, preferences, and humanity. In this blog, we’ll explore how this mindset develops, why it’s harmful, and practical steps to break free of this damaging dynamic.
At its core, treating a dominant woman like a kink dispenser is reductive. Instead of seeing her as a multifaceted person with feelings, boundaries, and needs, the submissive narrows their focus to how she can serve their desires. This mindset positions the dominant as a vessel of dopamine delivery, doling out kink hits on demand, and it dismisses the nuanced interplay of power, consent, and respect that should underpin healthy kink relationships.
Consider this real-life example from The New Bottoming and The New Topping books by Janet Hardy:
A dominant woman was at a kink event, chatting with friends, when a submissive approached and asked to worship her feet. She was wearing tight, knee-length stilettos that would be difficult if not impossible to put back on if removed. Politely, she declined the request but offered an alternative: the submissive could worship her shoes instead. This response respected her own boundaries while still engaging the submissive's fetish.
Instead of showing gratitude for the compromise, the submissive became passive-aggressive, insinuating she wasn’t a “real” femdom, and stormed off.
This encounter exemplifies the kink dispenser mentality. The submissive prioritized their own fetish over the dominant’s comfort, autonomy, and humanity. Their reaction when denied wasn’t disappointment but entitlement. The dominant was blamed for not providing the experience they wanted, revealing a lack of genuine respect for her role or individuality.…
Submissive Topping from the Bottom
There is a nice solution for this that works 95% of the time:
Keep him locked in his chastity cage until this behavior stops. As the days go on, the mounting sexual frustration he feels will start to drive him crazy, causing most men to submit to their keyholder totally. This will also be a useful tool for her to learn his upper limits of lock up time if she wishes to train him into longer periods of enforced chastity. In addition, some daily teasing during his lock up period will hasten this process along. (see attached photo) 🙂