In many relationships, there's an unspoken agreement that feels a little like a bad business deal—men commit to secure a steady supply of sex, and women get cast in the role of sexual gatekeepers. In this role, women ration sex to the man in a stale and dysfunctional pattern where intimacy becomes more about transactions than passion.
Before the couple knows it, sex no longer is a source of physical and emotional intimacy but something to be earned, like a gold star on a behavior chart. The good news? It doesn’t have to be this way! There are ways to focus on redefining intimacy in your marriage and break free from the “gatekeeper” dynamic and step into a more connected and fulfilling relationship.
This transactional structure and foundation of obligation leads to an unhealthy sexual dynamic for both partners. For the woman, it creates an obligation to “service” her partner, at the cost of her own sexual agency and pleasure. For the man, it fosters a regressive, dependent relationship dynamic where he is left in a perpetual state of seeking approval through sexual access, much like a child seeking nourishment from a mother. In other words, sex becomes a commodity that is exchanged rather than a mutual, pleasurable connection.
In this blog, I will explore how this deeply ingrained societal norm contributes to unsatisfying relationships and how shifting to alternative structures, such as open relationships or cuckolding dynamics, can redefine intimacy in ways that liberate both partners. By challenging the idea that a wife is the sole provider of sex in a relationship, couples can break free from a cycle of obligation and resentment, creating healthier, more fulfilling sexual relationships.
Monogamous relationships follow a pattern where men enter a committed relationship expecting a stable and consistent supply of sex, while women use sex as leverage to secure commitment and emotional investment. The imbalance in this exchange creates a foundation that is inherently unequal and unsustainable.
Men are socially conditioned to believe that sex is a necessity, something they are owed in return for being good partners. Women, in turn, are conditioned to believe that sex is a resource they control, something they can use to negotiate emotional security, fidelity, and good behavior from their partners. This sexual economy is reinforced by pop culture, media, and even advice from older generations.…
This is a really interesting topic. I think what you lay out in this blog works for a specific set of people in our society but I don’t believe the majority. In the current western view of monogamous relationships both partners are expected to forgo all others and meet the sexual needs of their partner exclusively. So if we change those parameters to sex not being exclusive within a relationship then I think you would just see a drop in total relationship. Not necessarily an uptick in your proposal for what the modern relationship could look like. For example I think I was predisposed to interest in a FLR dynamic. My earliest memories of sexual excitement placed myself on the submissive end of a power exchange. So long before I met my wife, conscious or unconsciously I wanted to find a partner that would enjoy having the upper hand in our relationship. If I was wired in the opposite direction then I think would have pursued a relationship where the opposite dynamic would exist. I feel like there is a larger portion of the male population that would choose not to enter in to a committed relationship if sexual exclusivity is not a prerequisite then would.
I completely agree that the solution I propose may not be a fit for everyone but this is a relationship problem that is nearly ubiquitous across monogamous relationships.
I agree wholeheartedly that this is a major issue for the majority of monogamous relationships. I just wonder what would be the incentive for a man that is not wired to find chastity, humiliation, cuckolding, or even an equal sided open relationship exciting to commit at all? If sexual exclusivity isn’t a given and you don’t derive pleasure your partner being with other people then wouldn’t you just remain single and play the field? Maybe I am being reductive and I am allowing my social conditioning to cloud my judgement but if I had to guess sexual exclusivity would be the driving reason for well over 50% of men committing to marriage. The blog is called Evolving Your Man so maybe that will change over time. Hell there is a lot of talk of the male loneliness crisis and far less relationships than generations passed. I wonder if we are watching the painful process of evolution take place right in front of our eyes.