Ask Emma: I Can’t Cum with My Husband; Why Familiarity Can Kill the Spark

Hi Emma,

I have a question for you. I can’t cum with my husband. When I first married him he had no trouble getting me off but we have been married ten years now and I don’t really even want to have sex with him because I know I can’t have an orgasm with him. He is a great guy and we are very close but it is almost embarrassing and dare I say pathetic that he doesn’t get me off anymore.

I know its not me because I can get off by myself no problem. I feel so very resentful that he can’t do what he used to do so easily in the past. Is it him or is it me, what is even going on. I want and deserve a good sex life but I feel like I am starving for good sex and I am so frustrated with him.

-Tara

Hi there Tara!

First off, let me say I understand your frustration—intimacy is such a cornerstone of a thriving relationship, and feeling disconnected in the bedroom can feel like losing a lifeline. What you’re experiencing is more common than you might think, and it has some fascinating psychological and biological underpinnings. So, let’s unpack this together with equal parts empathy and science.

I Can’t Cum With Him: Attraction vs. Familiarity

When you first got together with your husband, your brain was likely swimming in a cocktail of feel-good neurochemicals like dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. These are the same chemicals responsible for that “can’t-keep-my-hands-off-you” feeling in the early stages of love. Scientists often call this the honeymoon phase, and it’s driven by novelty and the thrill of discovery.

Here’s the kicker: over time, your brain adjusts. Studies show that after 6–24 months of being in a relationship, those intense chemical surges naturally decrease. This is when oxytocin, the “bonding hormone,” takes over, reinforcing emotional closeness rather than fiery lust. While oxytocin is amazing for trust and long-term attachment, it doesn’t exactly scream “mind-blowing orgasm.”

A 2017 study published in Biological Psychology found that couples in long-term relationships often report lower levels of sexual desire than during their early years. This isn’t about love fading—it’s about your brain craving novelty, which is hard to find when your partner’s every move feels predictable.

Why Familiarity Can Kill Orgasmic Response

The fact that you still feel close to your husband emotionally is fantastic, but emotional closeness alone doesn’t always translate to physical desire. In fact, some psychologists argue that too much emotional intimacy can suppress erotic tension. This phenomenon is often referred to as the “erotic paradox.”

As Esther Perel, a leading relationship therapist, explains in her book Mating in Captivity, “Desire thrives on mystery, and mystery is the opposite of familiarity.” In other words, the very things that make your husband feel safe and dependable—predictability, routine, and familiarity—are the same things that can turn the lights off in the bedroom.

It’s not that your husband can’t get you off—it’s that the sparks from the early days of your relationship have likely settled into something more predictable. Familiarity, while comforting, can sometimes sap the element of surprise and excitement that fuels erotic connection. When we’re with the same person over time, our brains don’t always react to them as a fresh, stimulating erotic stimulus.

It’s not a flaw in your partner or your relationship; it’s how desire works. Esther Perel, the queen of modern relationship wisdom, often reminds us that the tension between intimacy and eroticism is natural. Familiarity brings safety, but novelty breeds passion, and those two forces can clash in long-term relationships. The issue isn’t about blame—it’s about rethinking how you approach arousal and intimacy together.

The trap many couples fall into is a feedback loop of frustration: if you blame your partner for your lack of arousal, you might subconsciously create resistance to intimacy. This loop can deepen the divide, making it even harder to rekindle that spark. What’s important is shifting focus from what isn’t working to what can reignite desire.

Could it be about introducing new experiences together or exploring fantasies you’ve never shared? Or maybe it’s about cultivating a sense of mystery again—yes, even with someone you know so well. Desire thrives in the space between, in the unknown and unexpected. It’s worth reflecting: Is it really him, or is it the dance between the two of you that needs a new rhythm?

The Erotic Paradox: Is It Him or Is It You?

The short answer? It’s both. Your body and brain are reacting naturally to long-term partnership dynamics, but there’s also a good chance that both of you have fallen into sexual routines that no longer excite you. Many couples develop a sexual “script” over time—a predictable sequence of actions leading to orgasm (or, in your case, frustration). When the brain knows what’s coming next, it’s less likely to release the dopamine needed to feel aroused.

But here’s the silver lining: this isn’t a dead end. The desire and pleasure you’re seeking are absolutely within reach—you just need to rewrite the script.

How to Bring Back the Spark

1. Introduce Novelty
   Your brain loves surprises, and novelty is a surefire way to reignite the sexual fire. This doesn’t mean you need to reinvent the wheel or try things that feel unnatural to you. Start small—wear lingerie you’ve never tried before, have sex in a new location, or experiment with role-playing. A 2016 study in Archives of Sexual Behavior found that couples who engage in novel activities together report higher levels of relationship satisfaction and sexual desire. It’s all about creating a sense of adventure that reminds your brain of those early, dopamine-filled days.
2. Communicate Openly
   It’s tempting to tiptoe around the issue, but honesty is key. Tell your husband how you’re feeling—not as a criticism but as an invitation to explore new ways of connecting. Use phrases like, “I miss feeling wild with you,” or “I’d love for us to discover new ways to turn each other on.”
3. Focus on Sensuality, Not Orgasm
   Sometimes, the pressure to achieve orgasm can create a mental block that makes it nearly impossible to relax and enjoy the moment. Shift your focus to sensuality instead. Explore each other’s bodies with no goal in mind, practice extended foreplay, or even try techniques like tantric breathing.
4. Consider Scheduling Sex
   I know, I know—scheduling sex doesn’t sound sexy. But when life gets busy, setting aside time for intimacy can actually be a game-changer. Treat it like a special date night where the sole purpose is to reconnect physically and emotionally.
5. Solo Exploration
   If your own body feels like a stranger, spend some time getting reacquainted. Masturbation isn’t just about self-pleasure—it’s a way to learn what turns you on, which you can then share with your husband.
6. Therapy or Coaching
   If the resentment you mentioned is creating a wall between you and your husband, consider working with a therapist or a sex coach. Sometimes, an outside perspective can help you navigate complex emotions and rebuild intimacy.

Let’s Get Kinky!

Sometimes attraction levels in a marriage get totally out of sync. He’s still all over you, and you’re… well, kind of over it. Maybe it’s stress, routine, or just a shift in desire, but whatever the reason, it can start to breed resentment, guilt, and even avoidance. Instead of shutting down or feeling guilty, you get to flip the script, channel those frustrations into an erotic power play, and make his relentless desire part of the fun. Rather than suffering through the imbalance, you get to control it, giving him a fantasy framework where he can eroticize your disinterest while you get a sexy, guilt-free way to express it.

For him, this isn’t just about being denied—it’s about fully embracing his natural obsession with you in a way that fuels the dynamic instead of draining it. Women simply aren’t wired for constant arousal in long term monogamous relationships. Locking him in a chastity cage or teasing him with the idea of it takes his frustration and turns it into a game and men like games. In this game, you happen to be the one holding all of the cards. He gets to feel the thrill of being completely at your mercy, knowing his pleasure (or lack thereof) is in your hands. Meanwhile, you get to air out all those little annoyances—his constant neediness, his inability to turn you on like he used to—without it being an actual relationship issue. Instead, it’s part of the play. He’s not just pining after you helplessly—he’s serving you, desperate for whatever scraps of attention you decide to give.

And here’s the beauty of it: it’s not about being cruel (unless that’s your thing—no judgment). It’s about giving both of you a way to process shifting attraction levels in a controlled, exciting way rather than letting them quietly erode the relationship. If left unaddressed, mismatched libidos can create distance, resentment, and lead to avoidance.

Reddit’s deadbedrooms subreddit is full of people who have turned into roommates in their own marriage, do you want to take matters into your own hands or become one of them (no offense to the deadbedroomers). If you take charge of the situation, add a little playful humiliation, and maybe even introduce chastity, suddenly you’re in control of the narrative. His frustration isn’t a problem anymore—it’s entertainment. And let’s be honest, watching him squirm, beg, and hang on your every word is a huge rush.

At the end of the day, relationships are about evolving together, not just letting things happen to you because of the way you are naturally wired. If his attraction is sky-high and yours is fizzling out, why not guide your natural tendencies and make it work for you? Tease him, deny him, mock his desperation, and if you really want to up the ante—lock him up and make him prove his devotion.

You get to reclaim your female power, he gets to channel his obsession into something productive, and suddenly, instead of feeling like you’re stuck in a rut, you’re playing a game that keeps both of you excited. Who knew that his frustration could actually be your fun? Well, I did.

You deserve a fulfilling sex life, and the good news is that your current situation doesn’t have to define your future. With patience, honesty, and a willingness to try new things, you and your husband can rediscover the passion that brought you together in the first place.

Evolving Your Conversation

Here are some questions to spark a meaningful dialogue with your partner:

1. What’s one thing we’ve never tried in the bedroom that you’d be open to exploring?
2. How do you think our sexual relationship has changed over the years, and what do you miss most about the early days?
3. When was the last time we talked openly about what turns us on? How can we make this a regular conversation?
4. Are there non-sexual ways we can build excitement and novelty in our relationship?
5. How can we support each other in creating a sex life that feels fulfilling for both of us?