Two Ladders: Emotional and Sexual Hierarchies in Modern Relationships

Let’s talk about ladders. Not the kind you buy at Home Depot or use to clean your gutters, but the ones in our minds—the ones that shape how we rank, prioritize our relationships. I know that sounds mechanical at first, but hang with me. We do prioritize things and people in our lives. We have favorite foods, favorite movies, favorite tv shows and of course favorite people.

If you’re in a relationship with a modern marriage dynamic like mine, you’ve probably already noticed that your connection with your husband doesn’t sit on the same rung as your connection with your boyfriend. And that’s not a bad thing—it’s natural, expected even. But what’s less often explored is how these roles split into two distinct ladders: the emotional ladder and the sexual ladder.

With emotional connection comes safety—the deep, grounding reassurance that we are loved, seen, and accepted. It’s the warm blanket of trust that allows us to truly open up. And with sexual connection comes play—the spark, the thrill, the space where we flirt, explore, and rediscover ourselves and each other. In many traditional marriages, both emotional and sexual intimacy are nurtured within the same relationship, creating a powerful fusion of safety and play.

In modern marriage dynamics, these connections can come from two distinctly different people—one partner offering emotional depth and stability, while another brings sexual excitement and exploration. Neither approach is wrong; both acknowledge the simple truth that we thrive when we feel safe and alive. Whether it’s one partner or two, it’s this dance between emotional security and erotic freedom that keeps a relationship rich, evolving, and deeply satisfying.

Introducing Ladder Theory

If you’ve been around relationship psychology of any kind, you might have heard of Ladder Theory. In its original form, it’s a bit simplistic and maybe even reductive. It suggests that men see women on one ladder—based largely on attractiveness and sexual availability—while women see men on two ladders: one for friendship and one for romance/sex.

But I want to remix the female side of that and apply it to modern, more nuanced relationships, especially those involving balancing relationships with multiple partners. The emotional ladder and sexual ladder don’t just exist in general—they exist separately for each partner you have.

Yes, that means your husband can be your top pick emotionally but sit a rung or two lower on your sexual ladder. And your boyfriend? He might rule the sexual ladder like a god, but his feet may be planted firmly on the floor when you’ve had a rough day or need to vent about your mom’s latest Facebook rant.

The key idea? There are two ladders, and every partner occupies different positions on each one. And those positions shift—sometimes subtly, sometimes dramatically.

Husband: Primary Emotional (PE), Secondary Sexual (SS)

Let’s paint this out with a very familiar scenario in modern marriage dynamics. You love your husband. He’s your emotional rock. He knows your moods, your little tells, the way your voice changes when you’re happy, annoyed, or aroused. You cuddle with him. You confide in him. You plan your future with him.

But—sexually? Maybe he doesn’t quite scratch the itch the same way your boyfriend does. Maybe he’s smaller, less confident, more submissive (like Kev, my sweet hubby). Maybe he wants you to prioritize your pleasure with someone who truly ravishes you. So, sexually, he becomes secondary. Not because he failed, but because it serves both of you in a powerful way.

This isn’t a downgrade—it’s a designation. It’s emotionally intelligent and, dare I say, erotically evolved. Your husband becomes your primary emotional partner—the man who supports and holds space for your full self—and your secondary sexual partner, someone who participates in your sexuality in a different, often more service-oriented way. That kind of split can be beautiful, and common in modern marriage dynamics.

Boyfriend: Primary Sexual (PS), Secondary Emotional (SE)

Now swing the pendulum the other way. Your boyfriend makes you feel things. You crave him. The way he grabs your hips, looks into your eyes with that animal hunger… the sex is hot, dominant, emotionally charged—but in a different flavor.

Emotionally though? Maybe he’s not the guy you can count on when your dog is sick or your car breaks down. Maybe he’s just not wired that way—or your relationship with him hasn’t developed into a safe emotional harbor. So he sits lower on the emotional ladder.

In this setup, he’s your primary sexual partner, but your secondary emotional partner. And that works, too. It works because you’ve created the structure, because your emotional needs are met elsewhere and your erotic fire is fed here. This isn’t a failure on his part—it’s just what that connection is.

What Happens When One Partner Becomes Primary in Both?

Here’s where things get complicated—and fascinating.

Imagine your boyfriend becomes both the primary emotional and sexual partner. He fulfills you, thrills you, makes you feel safe, seen, and sore (in the best ways). So… what’s the husband now?

It’s a real question. In our minds, we want to romanticize that “every partner is special in their own way.” And yes, emotionally, we may want that to be true. But when the same man fulfills your deepest emotional needs and your primal sexual desires… what’s left for the other?

That’s not a betrayal of your husband. It’s just a matter of roles shifting. And in some FLR marriages, that does happen. The husband’s role evolves—not as a co-equal, but as a devoted supporter, a facilitator, or even a witness to your pleasure and emotional growth.

He may become your anchor, the one who holds the space for your evolution—even if he’s no longer your primary on either ladder. His specialness lies in his devotion, not his utility.

This is the essence of modern marriages at the deepest emotional level. Not just humiliation for kink’s sake, but a profound, voluntary step down the ladders—out of love.

Flip It Again: When the Husband Is Primary in Both

Let’s explore the reverse now. What if your husband is your everything—your heart, your soul, your best lay? What, then, is your boyfriend for?

Sometimes the boyfriend fades to the background. Maybe he was a phase, a sexual experiment, or a transitional person. But even if he’s not your “main guy” in either realm, he might still serve a vital but somewhat less important role.

He could be:

• A fantasy outlet. Someone you see when you crave novelty.
• A catalyst. The man who reminded you what desire feels like. While he may not be the best lay, he might make you feel like the sexiest woman on the planet.
• A mirror. Reflecting your power back to you.
• A supporting role. Someone who satisfies your need to explore, lead, dominate—or just be wanted without emotional strings.

Just because someone is “secondary” doesn’t mean they’re unimportant. Relationships aren’t zero-sum games—they’re ecosystems. And every creature in an ecosystem plays a role, even if it’s small.

Emotional and Sexual Ladders Are Not Independent

Here’s where it gets real, though. These ladders? They don’t exist in silos. I can try and oversimplify all I want but the truth is that they cross each other. Some ladders are taller than others and some are shorter.

Have amazing sex with someone long enough and emotions will sneak in, even if you tried to keep it light. Confide in someone emotionally over time and that bond can become sexy. We’re wired that way. Human connection is fluid.

And just like a parent may feel closer to one child for a short while—maybe because that child needs more, or connects more easily—it can be natural to prefer one partner over another in specific moments. This doesn’t mean you love one less. It means you’re human.

The mistake we make is assuming that preferences = permanence. They don’t. Dynamics shift. Energy flows. And that’s actually the gift of modern, honest relationships—we get to talk about it.

Making Peace With the Hierarchy

Some people flinch at the idea of hierarchy. They say it feels clinical, too rigid, too “ranking.” But here’s the truth: Hierarchy is already happening whether you name it or not.

What matters is how consciously you navigate it.

When you recognize that your husband may be your emotional home but not your sexual apex—or vice versa—you can stop pretending and start designing a relationship that works. Not one that’s based on fantasy or guilt, but one that’s honest, erotic, and emotionally sustainable.

And yes, sometimes that means your husband lovingly watches while your boyfriend takes center stage. Other times, it means thanking a lover for the ride and curling up with your husband, because he is your forever home.

It’s not betrayal. It’s balance.

So… What Makes Him Special?

If your husband isn’t your best lay or your deepest emotional high anymore, what makes him special?

It’s not always about what he gives—it’s about who he is in your life. Maybe:

• He is the man who chooses you every day, even when you’re giving your body to someone else.
• He is the partner who serves your needs, lovingly, quietly, without needing to be center stage.
• He is your foundation, your witness, your willing supporter in your erotic growth.
• He is the father of your kids and you will forever adore him for that role.
• He is the provider for you and your family, giving security both emotionally and financially.

And if the boyfriend gets demoted—sexually and emotionally—what makes him special?

Maybe:

• He’s the spark that reminded you of your fire.
• He’s the playmate who let you explore a different side of yourself.
• He’s the man who came into your life for a reason, even if not for the full ride.

The beauty of modern marriage dynamics is that we can honor all forms of special—without needing to rank one as better than the other.

Climbing Ladders

The dual ladder model gives us a language to understand the complexity of love, lust, and everything in between. We don’t need to force our partners into “one-size-fits-all” roles. Instead, we can ask: What rung do you sit on? What do you bring me? What do I bring you? And how can we grow together, even if we’re not always equal in every category?

The goal isn’t equality—it’s honesty. It’s building a relationship ecosystem where everyone is aware of their role, proud of it, and deeply valued for who they are, not who we wish they were.

Because in the end, we’re all climbing—and holding—different ladders. The magic happens when we stop pretending otherwise.

Evolving The Conversation

1. Do you feel more emotionally connected to your primary sexual partner or your primary emotional partner—and why?
2. How do you navigate feelings of guilt or insecurity when one partner fulfills more of your needs than another?
3. Have your emotional or sexual preferences for your husband or boyfriend shifted over time? What caused the shift?
4. Is it possible to consciously keep sexual and emotional hierarchies separate, or do they naturally influence each other?
5. In your own relationship, how do you define what makes each partner “special”?