Let’s talk about ladders. Not the kind you buy at Home Depot or use to clean your gutters, but the ones in our minds—the ones that shape how we rank, prioritize our relationships. I know that sounds mechanical at first, but hang with me. We do prioritize things and people in our lives. We have favorite foods, favorite movies, favorite tv shows and of course favorite people.
If you're in a relationship with a modern marriage dynamic like mine, you’ve probably already noticed that your connection with your husband doesn’t sit on the same rung as your connection with your boyfriend. And that’s not a bad thing—it’s natural, expected even. But what’s less often explored is how these roles split into two distinct ladders: the emotional ladder and the sexual ladder.
With emotional connection comes safety—the deep, grounding reassurance that we are loved, seen, and accepted. It's the warm blanket of trust that allows us to truly open up. And with sexual connection comes play—the spark, the thrill, the space where we flirt, explore, and rediscover ourselves and each other. In many traditional marriages, both emotional and sexual intimacy are nurtured within the same relationship, creating a powerful fusion of safety and play.
In modern marriage dynamics, these connections can come from two distinctly different people—one partner offering emotional depth and stability, while another brings sexual excitement and exploration. Neither approach is wrong; both acknowledge the simple truth that we thrive when we feel safe and alive. Whether it's one partner or two, it's this dance between emotional security and erotic freedom that keeps a relationship rich, evolving, and deeply satisfying.
If you’ve been around relationship psychology of any kind, you might have heard of Ladder Theory. In its original form, it’s a bit simplistic and maybe even reductive. It suggests that men see women on one ladder—based largely on attractiveness and sexual availability—while women see men on two ladders: one for friendship and one for romance/sex.
But I want to remix the female side of that and apply it to modern, more nuanced relationships, especially those involving balancing relationships with multiple partners. The emotional ladder and sexual ladder don’t just exist in general—they exist separately for each partner you have.…
I could not accept being demoted on both ladders. I could never accept cuckoldry due to psychological trauma, but as a bisexual NB person I’d theorectically accept being in a throuple.
If I looked at it through the scope of a throuple, I would only agree to be in a throuple before any sexual activity took place between the theoretical 3rd person (whether that 3rd person be me joining a couple, or another person joining my existing relationship.
However if the other 2 in the throuple had demoted me to a secondary person who was no longer an equal partner emotionally or sexually then I’d see this as hurtful, disrespectful and game over because I was simply being used whether it was for my money or something else and they in essence would be cheating because I was no longer being an equal partner.
As far as a 2 person relationship goes for me, it’s black and white, as soon as I’m not my partner’s primary person then my partner is cheating.
I have to disagree with this. If the husband is devoted to the wife but the wife does not reciprocate, she is simply using him. The husband is reduced to being a resource not a person. She is using him to anchor herself, to fan her ego via his devotion, and a source of satisfaction for her. If roles were reversed and it was the man using his wife in this way like in the harems of old, it would be equally unacceptable in the modern world.
I read your blog about toxic relationships and breaking up based on that,and as soon as the husband is no longer highest on either ladder and the wife has completely moved on to someone else, the relationship has become toxic for him. His needs for love, intimacy, respect and emotional security are no longer her primary goal, ergo she doesn’t care about him and is simply using him.
The hardest part of things all kinks and alternative lifestyle I had to understand was some people are into pain emotional fiscal….. Even financial pain
You my friend are not that’s a good thing you recognize what would be painful for you and voice it in the best way you can that’s communication and is good I hope to hear more of your comments they always get me thinking 🤔
Have a epic day 👍👍
So I really like the ladders reference believe it or not that’s a good reference it helps put into words a lot of what I do when asked to help when things go south
It help me to realize what we do is help people realize they don’t need to be on the ladders they don’t need them …… This doesn’t mean that doing things this way is rong if you like it aces for you live your best life
But when you no longer feel is fair or right for you it can be a big step to get off the ladder hierarchy and stay off it
And no this doesn’t always mean brake up relationship or a end to alternative lifestyle living but to quote Emma it means evolution in the relationship
As long as both parents are able to communicate truthfully love and respect each other then there is nothing they both can’t overcome
Thanks again the ladders reference helps a lot 🙂
Wishing all the best for everyone 😎😎😎😎😎
I believe the way Emma believes. I don’t visualize the ladder system so much. People come in to your life for a reason. Let talk about Emma ( I know she will like that). Just maybe Anderw came in to Emma and Kev life to show them, yes a third person would not disrupt their relationship. Even add energy to it. Now Erik is the person that puts all pieces together for them.These two men for reason only the universe knows were meant to be involved in Emma’s and Kev relationship. People come into your life for a reason. They might stay a little bit or might stay a lifetime.