Me and my husband are new to chastity and your blog got me intereested. Very interested! Your blogs give good advice but ccan you give specific advice like exactly what to do for our first week or two for new people to it? I had him order a metal cage on ebay and it looks sexy af on him but I want to feel powered and in charge like youve said.
-struggling in san diego
The subject of your post is "false starts". Would you be able to elaborate on what that means? I'll assume it means that you have started and stopped chastity several times and are having difficulty getting it to stick. Sound right?
Either way, I'd do something like below. The number is the day number.
- Lock up day! Give some playful tugs after you turn the key in the lock.
- Tease him through the day and remind him about the key and perhaps find a key pendant to wear on your necklace. At bedtime, remind him that he is locked up and thank him for handing this control over to you. There will be a novelty to his lockup but he may start getting cranky as the day wears on.
- Day three can be challenging because this is typically the day that he is most cranky but will also make a 180 degree motivation shift as he focuses his energies on you. At some point, something in his mind shifts and he will go from mildly annoyed to model citizen. Fascinating really.
- Ask and you shall receive. Ask for massages, ask for foot rubs, ask for oral sex. Play it up and enjoy. We typically have sex a few times a week so consider having sex on this day. Take things slow with frequent breaks and remember that he needs to go back into the cage if he starts to feel too excited. It may take a while to start working on separating sex from orgasm so depending on your guy, you may want to consider holding off on sex for your first couple tries.
- Focus on a chore or two that you find most annoying, ask him to take that chore over for you. To keep his juices flowing, you may want to masturbate while he watches and focuses on watching your pleasure. While he is locked, it can help direct his focus on enjoying your pleasure with you rather than pleasuring himself. His erection may become uncomfortable so always give the option of leaving the room if he wishes.
- Give him attention and lots of praise for initiating chores, massages and other things that bring you pleasure. You will see a new dedication to making you feel like the queen that you are. Enjoy it! Give him positive physical reinforcement with hugs and cuddling. Toward the end of the week, they can be the best cuddlers!
- We typically do a 7 day lockup period so this would be the unlock day. Keep the teasing up and do the unlock later in the day. Allow him to masturbate in front of you and offer praise when he ejaculates. Show him that you love him and remember to thank him for offering control of his orgasms to you.
I hope that was helpful!
You mention that you want to feel empowered and in control. I think that making sure that you actually feel that way is important to avoiding false starts. Having gone through a number of false starts in my relationship, I think the key is to commit to making it about what you, the woman, want, not about playing a game and catering to what turns him on.
Focus on using chastity and orgasm control to bring about the changes you want to see in him, and make a point of recognizing your progress toward those goals and the changes in his attentiveness to you. As you go through the steps Emma suggests, remember that the goal is to establish control and get him used to it, not to play out a game for his benefit. Don’t tease him because he wants you to. Do it because you know that keeping him aroused strengthens your control over him.
I assume it’s the case that he does enjoy the teasing and control you exercise, but you won’t feel empowered if your focus is on fulfilling his desires. Rather, focus on taking advantage of his desires to have him fulfill yours. Don’t try to give him exactly what he wants, but instead aim to give him enough of what he wants that he will be all the more genuinely frustrated when you stop, and then direct that frustration toward motivating him to do exactly what you want.
I realize this all sounds like I’m just suggesting that you be selfish. You definitely should make a point of having him focus on giving you what you need and desire because he will feel genuine fulfillment from doing so. But the goal is not getting him to cater to all of your wishes while ignoring his interests. He does have to see the benefits that he gets out of the arrangement and buy into it, otherwise he’ll take control back from you. Remember that you aren’t taking control from him, but rather persuading him to let you have it. The goal is establishing and maintaining some control over him so that you can use it to build a happier and more fulfilling relationship and life for both of you.