Revisiting the sexual barter system

I’ve learned that tit-for-tat bartering doesn’t work and only leads to guilt sex or obligation sex, which isn’t enjoyable for the woman or man.

It’s more like you have to give it all to your partner and trust that he or she gets you what you need. One thing we’ve found positive is when my wife will state exactly what she wants on a certain night, including ruling out sex. “I want you to give me a foot massage, but I don’t want to have sex tonight.” This way, she feels no pressure to do anything she doesn’t feel like doing, and I know what’s on the menu tonight and can find satisfaction in giving her exactly what she wants. Getting rid of unspoken expectations makes things easier. There’s also something sexy about her affirmatively setting the agenda.

As long as she shows me that she desires me sexually (even just a tease or playful grab every now and then), that’s enough to fill my tank, serve her in other ways, and trust that she’ll ask for sex when she wants it.