I love my wife but I don’t think I satisfy her. Is this something you’ve ever thought quietly after you are done in the bedroom? Maybe you finish before an orgasm is even a remote possibility for her. Maybe you keep going long after she is tired, she wonders quietly it will hurt your feelings if she asks you to stop and silently endures until you do. Maybe you can no longer count on erections showing up when you need them. Maybe you know that you simply aren’t big enough to satisfy her the way you know she needs. Maybe nothing is medically wrong, she wants an energy, newness, or a kind of chemistry that has been missing between you for years. So many maybes, let’s explore some of them!

If you are reading this and it feels like your stomach in a knot, I am not here to laugh at you. On the contrary, I am here to ask you to take a breath and stop treating your wife’s pleasure as something to be afraid of. I know how quickly this conversation turns into a judgement on your manhood. A man hears “I want something different” and his brain translates it into “I am not enough.” Then he gets defensive. She gets careful. He watches her face for reassurance of his manhood instead of asking what she actually enjoys. She starts managing his feelings while silently mourning the disappointment as she realizes that that there isn’t room for your feelings and her displeasure. Before long, both of you are lonely, and neither of you understands why a conversation about sex feels more frightening than sex itself.

I want to offer you another possibility. Not a demand or a dare but a request that you open your mind and put your male ego aside, just for a moment. What if being a good husband does not require you to be the sole source of every kind of pleasure for the rest of your lives? What if, after honest conversations and exploration together, the two of you decide that she might be able to explore a boyfriend and you can still have a loving marriage together? That idea may feel simultaneously terrifying, arousing and thrilling. Good. That means we are talking about something real.

Not a Report Card

Let us begin with the part men often want to skip, sex is not a single task with a pass or fail grade. Most women don’t rank men on a A-F or 1-10 scale, in fact sex is very different from one man to the next. One man may be more passionate while another might be better endowed and yet another might be more adventurous in the bedroom.

A wife can adore her husband and still want something more or different from their sex life. A husband can care deeply about her pleasure and still be unsure how to help her find it. Neither truth cancels the other. I also will not tell you that penis size never matters to anyone, because women are individuals and preferences are real. For many women, size matters a great deal and it often matters more as we get older, understand our bodies better and require more sensation to get off than we did in our earlier years. Size doesn’t determine if you can satisfy a woman but it is certainly a start.

If you have assumed that penetration is the whole world, get over the importance of your little dicky for a second. In a recent study of 1,055 women, 18.4 percent said intercourse alone was sufficient for orgasm. Another 36.6 percent said clitoral stimulation was necessary during intercourse, and 36 percent said it made their orgasms feel better even when it was not necessary. Those numbers do not tell us what your wife wants and they are a lousy substitute for simply asking her the question.

So ask. Does she want a different kind of touch? More attention before penetration? Less emphasis on orgasm? More playfulness? More time? Less time? A toy? Is there something that she asked for in bed that you turned down previously? Listen with making this about yourself, rushing to defend your body or feeling like she is trying to replace you. Listen for her answer rather than making this about you and your little pee pee.

If you finish sooner than either of you wants, or have difficulty finishing at all, those experiences can be worth discussing with a clinician rather than accepting as a permanent verdict on your marriage. There are approaches to premature ejaculation that include behavioral techniques, counseling, and medication. Difficulty reaching orgasm, commonly called delayed ejaculation can have physical, emotional, and medication related causes. Getting help won’t ensure that anything will change, but most men are afraid to ask for help about anything, especially things about their penis.

One thing I wish more men knew is that orgasm and ejaculation are not exactly the same thing. They usually happen together, but they can happen separately, and men can learn to separate their orgasm from their ejaculations. Learning to notice the difference may take some pressure off the idea that every intimate moment has to end in ejaculation. If you feel like you normally finish sooner than you would prefer, exploring your arousal and learning to orgasm without ejaculation can help you feel more in control. If reaching orgasm takes a long time, giving yourself permission to climax without ejaculating can be a way to enjoy your pleasure in a different way. I can’t promise that simply learning new orgasm techniques will fix either problem but think of it as a possibility to explore together. Remember also that this is not another skill you have to master to be “good enough” for your wife. It’s not me telling you that you need to try harder or earn the right to be good enough in bed. I am saying there is a difference between honestly knowing what has not worked for you and deciding that it is hopeless without exhausting your options, that’s all.

Protecting You From Her Truth

Your wife may be sexually unsatisfied and guess what, that’s ok. You heard me, relationships go through phases, satisfied, unsatisfied, satisfied again. If you find that her desires stretch beyond what you can offer alone right now, take time for an honest conversation about how to move forward together. Consider the questions below as a playful little reality check. If any of these sound familiar, you feel yourself squirming in your seat or getting uncomfortable, don’t turn it into a reason to feel ashamed, turn it into a reason to get curious.

1. Sex ends and she reaches for her toy like she is clocking in for the second shift.
2. You think the female orgasm is a myth because you have never seen one that was not in a movie.
3. She says “almost” so often that you assume it is just a cute thing she says.
4. She has learned to say, “Don’t worry about me,” and you have been far too happy to take her at her word.
5. You have never asked her what she fantasizes about because you are afraid she might answer.
6. Her best orgasms happen in the shower, alone, with the door locked.
7. Her favorite toy is twice your size and when you ask about it she reassures you that your size is “perfect” for her.
8. You have complimented your own stamina more often than you have asked whether your pace feels good for her.
9. Instead of a gasp, she laughs when you first enter her.
10. She is more likely to ask for a spa day than a date night because at least someone will focus on her body for an hour.

Your wife may not want a boyfriend, a bull, a new toy, or even a dramatic change to your marriage. She may simply want you to ask, listen, slow down, and treat her pleasure as something that you actually give a shit about. Yes, she may be protecting you from a simple truth that she is human and has needs that are unmet. She may even feel ashamed that she actually has needs. That’s right, as women we sometimes feel guilty for having needs of our own that we want fulfilled. It’s a whole female conditioning thing and it’s terrible. She may not feel safe to say anything, she gives you the reassuring smile and says it was nice. She notices how quickly your face falls when you know you’re spent and she reaches for her toy so she doesn’t have to go to bed unsatisfied, yet again. She decides that tonight won’t be the night for a difficult talk, maybe she will have the courage the next night. She knows that eventually that her frustration will outweigh her anxious-avoidant tendencies.

The time will come for the talk and when she confides in you to let you that something is missing or she needs a different kind of pleasure, be cautious with the feelings that you reflect back to her. Even if you have strong feelings or insecurities, do your best to meet her with curiosity and excitement to make her feel seen. When a man has insecurities about his ability to please his wife, her honesty can sound like confirmation that he has failed, and shame can turn into a deep resentment. Making her feel guilty for telling you her truth will not make sex better for either of you, ask questions instead. Explore what you can enjoy together, and alternative sexual outlets for her to get her needs met. Don’t stifle her conversation about sexual needs with your insecurities about how those needs will be met. There is space for your feelings but only after you give her the space to express her own. She deserves to have a loving partner that genuinely wants her to have a fulfilling sex life along with earth shattering orgasms. The embarrassment you feel may sting but if you turn it into anger, she won’t feel like you are a safe place to share her sexual needs and desires.

She loves you and you’re the last person she wants to hurt. She may not have the words for what she wants yet, she knows there must be more. Her polite silence can become a habit and that habit can become distance and disconnection. I would not claim that every sexually dissatisfied wife secretly resents her husband, or even that frustration always shows up as resentment. Everyone is different but it is dangerous to build a marriage around physical disconnection that neither of you are willing to discuss honestly and openly. If this sounds familiar, do not jump from “she has been holding back” to “she needs another man” in one breath. Start with a conversation and ask her openly “I know you’ve been with bigger men and I want to know what sex has really been like for you. I might feel embarrassed or insecure hearing it, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to protect my feelings.”

She may hesitate and even question the authenticity of your loving approach to her needs, but let her speak and when she finally shares her feelings she may surprise you. She might just want more attention from you, a different kind of intimacy, a conversation about a little blue pill, or she may admit that she misses novelty and newness. She might be interested in a boyfriend or she might not. Her desire is not a blank space for you to fill with your biggest fear or your favorite fantasy, it is an opportunity to listen to her needs and understand her experience.

Does She Need Another Lover?

Now for the question I know some of you came here to consider and many of you probably hoped it would come up sooner. What if she wants an experience with another man, and you could genuinely be at peace with that? I have written before about the idea of a husband whose value is not confined to being the primary sexual partner, including my piece on non breeding males and cuckold husbands. Coming to terms with the idea of another man satisfying your wife in that way may seem extreme but I’d argue that it is about time that we challenge the idea that a husband must be everything at once. I want to be clear about where the animal comparison ends because a meerkat does not make a marriage agreement and a giraffe does not discuss jealousy over coffee. Nature is not handing any husband a required role, and your wife is not a prize assigned to a supposedly “biologically superior male”. We are far more complex than that and you have free will to decide exactly what you want from your relationship and from life.

I often discuss the dual mating strategy, the idea that security and erotic excitement pull women in different directions. I’ve found that it is useful for talking about the experience many women feel especially in long term relationships with strong emotional bonds with their husbands. When we bond so tightly that we feel like family, it can be difficult to feel the rawness of sexual energy. The dual mating strategy is a theory and not a scientific rule that women need one man for love and another for sex. I believe that marriage can be a commitment to care for each other without being a promise that one person will fulfill every wish in exactly the same way forever. Some couples choose exclusivity and find real joy in it. Some couples willingly make room for other types of relationships and if you and your wife are curious about the latter, you are allowed to talk about it without ever following through with it. Having an honest conversation about needs and options does not mean that your marriage is broken.

If she is frustrated and you are hurting, start by opening up the lines of communication and defining your truths about those feelings. Remind each other that this is not about finding a replacement husband or handing an unsatisfied wife off to someone else and hoping she will come back “fixed” and happy. It is about the two of you acknowledging a sexual itch she desperately needs to scratch and deciding, together, how to fix that issue. There are many ways to address it, toys, role play or bringing another man into the bedroom for that experience. You, as her husband can be right there with her, present, wanted, loved and enjoying her pleasure with compersion instead of wondering what is happening and feeling pushed aside by the anxiety of those feelings.

My situation with my husband Kev and Erik is a little different. Erik is my boyfriend, not a sex toy or a man we invited in for one particular experience. He matters to me beyond the bedroom. But that does not mean your marriage has to look like mine. Maybe you and your wife want to find a man to explore with sexually, without building a romantic relationship. You can talk together about what excites her, whether you want to be present, what you need to still feel relevant and desired in that sort of scenario and what rules would help both of you feel comfortable. The point is not to copy my arrangement or find a replacement for yourself, the point is to be honest about what you both want and decide what feels right for your marriage.

The man your wife might be drawn to could be young, fitter, more handsome to her, able to offer a sizable alternative to the equipment that you bring to the marriage. He may be none of the above but simply be someone that makes her feel a new spark. You may find those comparisons exciting in fantasy but you will need to talk through the things that create anxiety and jealousy to truly understand where she is and what she needs from this type of relationship.

The Husband & The Chef

I know someone will object to the analogy, but stay with me for a moment. Kev can make me dinner, and I love the meals he makes. We can still go to a restaurant because we want an experience that is different from cooking at home. You may even go to dinner and enjoy it together. The difference is that a restaurant reservation does not create feelings about your marriage like another lover would.

That is why “let someone else assist” can be a helpful way to have a conversation but an awful way to run the whole relationship. A boyfriend is not a service you book to correct an inadequate husband (that’s called an escort). If this man becomes part of your lives, he has his own choices and boundaries. Your wife is not a customer you hand over and you address insecurity by pretending someone is merely performing assigned tasks. There is freedom in loosening the assumption that love makes one partner the only possible source of sexual satisfaction. When you say, “I cannot offer everything, but I want you to have a life that feels full,” that doesn’t mean you are stepping away from love but stepping into a role that allows someone else to help you carry it becasuse as a husband, you are not disposable.

If you and your wife decide to meet another man, don’t mistake his confidence for compatibility. A handsome face and exciting chemistry might catch her attention, but the man you invite into this experience also needs to respect you both and listen to your boundaries. A good bull should be a collaborator in her pleasure, not a conqueror of your marriage. He needs to understand that your marriage is something that he is being invited and trusted to participate in but not a contest that he has been challenged to win.

Before you meet anyone, talk about the experience you both want and constantly remind yourself that this isn’t about serving your fantasies but about prioritizing her needs. Discuss what kind of interaction would feel good to each of you, and what would feel intrusive? How much communication are you comfortable with them having? Do you want to be involved with her texting by making them group texts? How about dates, would you prefer that it be a date of three or would you be comfortable with giving them alone time? Have the conversation about testing requirements and safer sex. Get to know a potential partner well enough to find out whether he can respect your requirements in those areas. If he pushes past a boundary in conversation, do not count on him honoring boundaries when things get more heated.

Pay attention to how he treats your wife, too. Being respectful of your bond does not mean treating her like a prize you have agreed to lend him. She chooses whether she wants him. You have limits, she has limits and don’t forget that he is allowed to have boundaries of his own. The right fit is someone who can enjoy the chemistry without turning your husband and wife dynamic into a conflict or rivalry and assuming that participating in this fantasy gives him permission to ignore anyone’s feelings.

Listen to your gut, if you feel uneasy, discuss whether it is the understandable flutter of trying something new or whether this particular man leaves you feeling dismissed. You do not need to compete with him, but you also do not need to welcome someone who seems to enjoy making you feel small unless that is part of agreed up on dynamic. The goal is not to find a man who won’t stir up strong emotions like jealousy and fear because trust me, those feeling will appear. The goal is to find someone your wife wants and with whom all three of you can be honest, comfortable, and feel like a no will be honored respectfully.

Do You Want to Be There?

Some husbands would rather hear about a date afterward. Others discover that being in the room feels surprisingly comforting. Instead of sitting at home inventing a hundred stories about what their wife might be thinking, he can see her enjoying herself. And yes, that can be wildly exciting. The anticipation, the sight of her being wanted, even a little flicker of jealousy can add to the charge because it doesn’t make you any less of a man to admit that your wife’s pleasure turns you on.

For some couples, watching becomes less about comparing men and more about what the husband is sharing with his wife. He gets to see her experience something she wanted, knowing they talked about it and chose it together. Imagine her catching your eye for a moment and whispering, “I love you. Thank you for this.” That little bit of eye contact and direct gratitude could make you feel more connected in a moment you expected to feel left out. Not because you own her pleasure or have granted her permission to have it, but because she wants you to know that your heart and your feelings matter deeply to her.

The scene does not need to look like anyone else’s fantasy. You might want to be close enough to hold her hand, you might prefer to watch from a distance, or discover that you would rather leave watch things get started and leave at some point. Talk with your wife about what would make her feel comfortable, and make sure the other man is comfortable with your presence too. If jealousy or nerves show up, you can say so and there is no prize for pretending you are completely unbothered with something like this. Talk openly about it and share yo ur heart with your wife, if she didn’t love you she wouldn’t be doing this with you.

The question I would ask yourself is this: “Do I want to be there because sharing her pleasure feels good, or because I think I deserve to feel small?” Those can feel tangled together, so give yourself room to sort them out. A fantasy about comparison is one thing but using the experience to punish yourself is another. You, your wife and the man you invite should all be free to say yes, no or “let’s stop.” Maybe watching brings you closer. Maybe it stays a delicious conversation between the two of you. Either way, your presence should be something that everyone wants.

A Place Where You Get to Receive

As women, we carry quite a bit of weight in day to day life, the calendar, the kids, the family logistics, the house, and we often place everyone else’s needs before our own. For many women, especially those raised in religious homes, sex can become another place where we are expected to manage and fulfill someone else’s experience. The idea of a boyfriend or bull can feel like a private exhale from all of that. He is not tied to your laundry, your family group chat, the school pickup line, or the thousand little decisions that follow you home. He is there because he desires you. Not Mom, not wife, not manager, not the woman who somehow keeps everything running smoothly. He doesn’t care about all that, he just craves you. Stepping into receptive energy when you spend so much of your life in control can feel freeing and empowering but it doesn’t have to mean giving up your voice, your boundaries, or your power. Real surrender is a choice and it is deciding that, for this little pocket of time, you do not have to be in charge. You can receive a beautiful man’s attention, his touch, his desire, and pleasure without having to organize it, earn it, or worry about what happens next.

It’s not just the ability to relax emotionally, it is often about the physical contrast. A partner with a gorgeous body and masculine confidence can make a woman feel deliciously overwhelmed and he invites her entire body to let go. While bigger isn’t always better, a bigger size can create an intensity where she can stop thinking, soften, breathe, and simply receive. This does not require another man, you can create that same space through role play, careful attention, and the confidence to lead. The essential ingredient is not a big penis, or a particular relationship structure, it is safety. When a woman trusts that her needs matter and she does not have to perform or manage anyone’s emotions, she has room to explore the parts of her sexuality that society tells her to bury and hide. Something happens when you feel like your desires are a priority and not taken for granted. Your desires and fantasies shift from something to be ashamed of to an adventure that the two of you can explore as a couple, together.

More Harm Than Good

Imagining your wife with another man may give you a rush of excitement followed by fear and crippling anxiety. I would take that fear seriously rather than allowing the fantasy to overtake your judgement. You do not have to prove your love by agreeing to something you are not ready for, and you do not have to know today how you would feel if that fantasy became real. Talk about the part of the fantasy that scares you and not just the part that turns you on.

As you come to terms with your own emotions, you may also discover a feeling you did not expect. Compersion. Compersion is joy at seeing your wife’s pleasure. You can watch her receive authentic pleasure without having to wonder if she is performing to protect your feelings. If the two of you choose to explore her sexuality together, you can see her let go in a new and thrilling way. It’s just one more way to love her and the beautiful emotion of compersion sits right beside jealousy, anxiety, and your need for reassurance. It is a complex set of emotions that are exciting to experience together. The more involved you are, the more you can own those emotions and not be hit off guard. You might help her choose what to wear, tell her she looks gorgeous because you mean it. Supporting her gives you ways to be her husband and show you can be attentive, affectionate, and present.

This is not about pushing another man on your wife because you think she needs one. Ask what she wants, and believe her answer, including if that answer is no. You are simply making room for a possibility that she wants something that you cannot offer on your own, and talking about it without treating it like a disaster. It may remain a fantasy you share in bed, a conversation you return to later or it may become a part of your lives. I just ask that you not choose the ending before you dare to tell each other your truths.

I am not asking you to walk up to your wife tonight and announce, “I have found you a man with a huge cock and I want to watch him fuck you.” Please do not, I can assure you that it won’t go well. That sort of approach makes it sound like you’ve taken on her pleasure as a project and gives her no voice in what she actually wants. Try something more vulnerable “I know I have been defensive when we talk about sex. I want to understand what you enjoy with me and what you might be feeling is missing when you are with me. I love being your husband. I also wonder whether we could talk about other ways to make sure your needs are met, together.”

Then do something absolutely insane for many men, listen. That’s right. Don’t say anything, just sit there in what might be a long silence. She might light up, she might be confused. She might wonder aloud whether you are saying you no longer want her. None of those responses is a failed conversation. Each tells you something worth knowing and each of those opens you up to more discussion, vulnerable discussion that will bring the two of you closer together.

If the idea interests both of you, talk about the ordinary parts before the thrilling ones. Would it involve role playing in the bedroom? Would there be toys involved? Would there be another man involved? If so, would she want you to be present? What would she tell you, and what would stay between her and her boyfriend? How would you handle safe sex, testing, scheduling and what happens if one of you feels unhappy about the whole situation and wants to pull the plug?

You’re Allowed To Want Your Wife

Remember that supporting your wife’s pleasure does not mean your own desire no longer counts. You may still want to kiss her, you may want sex with her, or to find a kind of intimacy that you can share even after she has been out with someone else. You may need reassurance that she is choosing you as her husband, not just keeping you around because you are useful. Say so. If you need some sort of reclaiming, tell her. Don’t demand that she prove her love every hour, but share your needs as a man who is part of this relationship.

The healthiest version of this idea is not, “I am inadequate, so she gets pleasure and I get whatever is left.” It is, “We are building a relationship where neither of us has to lie about what we want.” That includes your right to change your mind, her right to change hers, and the freedom to discover that a modern marriage dynamic might sound hotter in fantasy than it feels in real life.

You do not have to call yourself a failure to make room for her boyfriend, and you do not have to pretend another man is superior in every way just because he offers her something different than you do. For some men, consensual humiliation can be part of the pleasure by turning old insecurity into an erotic role, giving you a sense of purpose, and make you feel more connected to your wife. You may be turned on by your wife being adored, by watching her receive something she craves, by helping create the moment, or by seeing her relaxed, glowing, and satisfied afterward.

If a dynamic leaves you feeling aroused, secure, and closer to your wife, it may be a beautiful part of your relationship. If it leaves you resentful, abandoned, or convinced you aren’t deserving of her love, it is time to slow down and talk. You can enjoy a little delicious surrender without surrendering your dignity, your voice, or the parts of your marriage that make you both feel cherished. I would much rather see a man say, “I love her, I know myself, I want to hear her, and I can consider a different shape for our marriage,” than watch him harden into anger and resentment because her desire made him feel worthless. I’m advocating for the kind of brave, grown up honesty that can make a modern marriage feel more intimate, not less.

So my invitation is simply to be open to the possibility that your wife’s sexual satisfaction can matter without becoming a verdict against you. Learn what she wants. Eroticize your insecurities. Explore what the two of you can change together. If you both genuinely want to welcome another man, make that choice with love and care rather than guilt. Your wife deserves a sex life that leaves her fulfilled and you deserve a marriage where her happiness is not a threat. If bedroom roleplay or a boyfriend helps you build that life together, lovely. If another path does, choose that one. The point is to verbalize your wants and needs so neither of you have to disappear. Until next time! 💙

Some fun SPH images courtesy of Dripptoons

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Evolving the Conversation

• If your wife told you she wanted something different sexually, would you be able to hear her without treating it as a judgment?
• Which parts of being her husband feel precious to you beyond being her only lover?
• Would the idea of her having a boyfriend feel generous, exciting, frightening, or like some mixture of all three?
• How could you tell the difference between a fantasy you enjoy and an arrangement you would truly consent to?
• What question about pleasure have you been afraid to ask your wife, and what might happen if you asked it kindly?