Vikter is a reader and frequent forum contributor that has incorporated some of the principles that I promote in the blog such as male orgasm control and pegging. Additionally, Vikter has also taken on a role of stay at home dad/house husband. In a comment on the blog entitled “Real Men Don’t Have Penises“, I asked that he contribute his Journey and he excitedly agreed. Without further ado, here is the story of Vikter’s journey taking on the househusband role!
Here are the answer to your questions. It got a bit lengthy, but it is a deep topic. I am certainly not an expert on this topic, it has just been a part of my everyday life for the last 2 years in some way. I hope it offers some insight for you, at the very least it was certainly cathartic to get alot of these thoughts in one place and sparked some good conversation with my wife.
Can you tell me a little bit about yourself, your kids, childhood, career and your relationship with your wife prior to the recent changes?
I was raised in an Irish-American catholic household. Both of my parents worked and my grandparents watched me and my siblings. My parents have a good relationship (still married past 60 is doing something right). Strong female figures have featured through my life, where as most of the men in my family (myself included) have had some level of catastrophic break at one point or another. Through those events, it was universally the women in our families that held things together. With me being the youngest during those times I undoubtedly see that as a defining factor in my general submissive nature toward women.
I spent 11 of the last 13 years working my way through the culinary ranks. I am very good at what I do and obtained a small amount of local recognition but the industry is consuming… sex, drugs, and alcohol addiction run rampant. Recently my wife admitted to always just assuming I had cheated on her at some point because of the nature of food service. I never have and never could, though it was offered by coworkers. Food service destroys relationships, and my work poisoned ours slowly causing rifts we only just discovered and talked about now, years later.
How was the dynamic with your wife prior to switching family roles?
We have covered the spectrum here as well, we have both worked and shared parental/ household chores, she has been a stay at home mom (and hated the isolation of it). Even when we both worked, she took the lions share of the household duties, the kitchen has always been my domain. In day to day life, we have always been on equal footing, decisions made together. Rarely did we argue, we both saw enough of that growing up, mostly discussions to get through problems. To both of us, seeing our partner happy has been the priority.
Previously we had sex when I and how I wanted. She has admitted that sometimes she only did so to “keep me happy”. I feel like I could tell when she felt that way but didn’t let myself see it.
Have your kids or their friends commented on your new family roles?
Our son had an an adjustment period wondering why momma was not around as much, that was pretty quick though. Small kids are incredibly resilient and don’t have have bias about role. It also helped that I watched my son most mornings while my wife worked an early morning job. No friends commented on it, a few parents and preschool teachers did. Mostly the teachers were very supportive, we selected that school because of their inclusive nature. Most of the moms were surprised that it was a full time arraignment and not that I was just in charge of school drop offs. No one was offended, a few commented they were jealous. They were mostly career women who put their life on pause to be a mom.
Describe a normal day in your household before the new family roles.
My wife would wake up with our son and get things moving for the day, start breakfast, play with our son etc. I would lay in bed and sleep until food was ready (dinner shifts would keep me out until 12am, later if I went out with kitchen crew after closing). I would probably masturbate before getting out of bed, or pressure my wife into having sex if she came up. A usual night shift started between 12PM and 2pm so I would be gone by 11, no time for family. I would not have time to do more than answer a short text or an emergency phone call once I got to work. My wife would fall asleep alone and tired. Sometimes I would see my family for less than 2 hours in a day. If my wife was working, than I would see her for about 20 minutes a day while I handed off the kid.
Describe a normal day in your household after the new family roles.
I wake up between 5-6am, take care of the dog, make coffee for us, setup the house for the day. Play with my son until my wife wakes up and either have breakfast waiting or start cooking. Her schedule varies and she can start at anytime from 430am to 12pm and works 5, 10 hour days, so our day shifts alot based on that. Generally, even on work days, my wife spends a minimum of 3 hours with our whole family. I run an 18 to 20 hour day, so I am awake and ready to spend time with her when she gets home late at night. If she wants something specific ready when she get home from work, I prepare it, late night snack, bath, massage, etc. We spend another 1-3 hours together those nights just us. My wife falls asleep content and warm with me next to her. Even if I cannot fall asleep, I stay with her until she does. And before we fall asleep, I set out her clothes for the next day.
NOTE: this day assumes chastity and orgasm control in place. Prior to that, assume a depressed barely under control day with far more stress than needed. Far too much masturbation and general feeling of never enough energy and not knowing why. That is partial why it is so important to me that it continues, I do not want to fall back into that pit.
Do you consider this a female led relationship or do you use a different term to describe it?
Without a different title, it’s about all I can use. Decisions can be made mutually, but if she wants something to happen, that thing will happen. She is in complete control of our finances, that predates everything else and had no context other than she is way better at it and I am smart enough (mostly) to know when to get out of the way. The shift in power that came with that transition alone would have been enough to call our relationship a WLM/FLR. I think it was the point when we both started to realize our life is better under her control. This is the only reason I can be a house husband, and live on 1 income. We operate our finances like a business and have no credit. Most Americans would not be able to make it halfway through her plan before bailing.
You mentioned that this change happened in a matter of weeks, can you explain what happened and why the change was so sudden?
I apologize in advance but this gets a bit dark. I mentioned in a comment before I didn’t want anyone to follow the path I took to where I am. Moral of the story is you can lock part of your mind away for only so long before it shatters. A psychotic break resulting me in walking out on a high paying prestigious position after a seriously considered suicide attempt by jumping from an 80ft roof. Due to the inability to keep control of the situation and seeing myself slipping back to 90 hour work weeks that I had promised my wife would never happen again. I felt like I was failing my family by not being able to take the role a man “should” and provide for my them. My wife took care of me and found a job that took care of our finances within a few weeks and I had to step into my new role.
The mental break was the precursor event that left my own walls cracked enough to allow myself to become vulnerable. It did not kill me, and because of the support from my wife, I was able to come out a better, stronger person. I do not regret where it led me, but I wonder how many have lost their fight and it makes sad. I truly wish society was more open about mental issues and gender fluidity.
Prior to the new dynamic, was there any discussion of a female led household or anything of the kind?
Once 8-9 years ago when we first moved in together. I believe it was real women don’t do housework(?); I don’t think she read much of what I sent her at the time and it was swept under the rug. We have played some bondage femdom games occasionally before, mostly to fulfill my submissive nature. Though once she got into the scene, she came into her own but was uncomfortable with the way it made her feel afterwards. “Dirty” I guess, she did not like that it felt unloving. We had a hard time with the wording for this one, but I think the point is clear.
Would you describe your wife as having a powerful or assertive personality?
She is a velvet gauntlet, very cute and sweet, but expects her authority to be respected woe unto those who do not. She loves being in control; we both see that as a result of her having it taken away when she was younger. Her associates have described her as “spicy” and a “Fiery Redhead”, especially when things are their busiest and control is the most important.
How was pegging introduced to your relationship?
I suggested we try it as fair play about 8-9 years ago, she does not mind anal play and I thought to reciprocate. After I did, she went out and purchased a strap on and took the initiative to begin. It was a rarity at first, usually as part of a bondage-like scene, never as a substitute for piv sex.
What sort of impact did pegging have on your view of sex and intimacy?
In the beginning, it was fun as role reversal but did not occur frequently enough or in the right way to change my views much. In the last year, we purchased a better harness and dildo which have been put to heavier use. I am always caged when she pegs me now, and that has been the bigger game changer. Without any ability to have stimulation other than my prostate and nipples, forced me to focus my mind on those sources of pleasure. Once that happened I started to forget about my cock altogether during pegging. I found myself naturally beginning to vocalize more during sex in feminine ways. I feel that my wife broke down the back door (I had to do it!) into parts of my mind I tried to keep locked away. It freed a part of my mind.
After pegging I always want to be held, or lay my head on her chest. I have always been a cuddly individual with my wife but I feel like I need her to be close. The desire for any kind of sex is satiated even when I do not orgasm from pegging. It also helped me to be more conscious of her reactions on the occasions that I am allowed to be inside her.
How was chastity introduced to your relationship?
Me. I was beginning to see that my lack of control was having a terrible trickle down effect on our family in a bad way. I looked for information online found some good and others more fun than informational. You provided the only resource that had facts and studies, alot of which made me feel worse initially while I had questioned many of my own actions. A cage was my birthday present 14 months ago. My wife locked me as a kinky game to play and still had little interest in doing her own research. After seeing the tangible benefits, she has reconsidered and has been reading mostly your blog (other resources would be appreciated if you have any).
How frequently are you locked or are you on the honor system?
I am expected to be locked at all times, barring medical issues or emergencies. Maybe one day, I can work towards the honor system. To be honest, I prefer to have the cage on, especially when my wife is out. It helps me feel more connected.
Are you on an orgasm schedule or how do your releases work?
She has a rough schedule, I think. Not to my knowledge exactly, her rotating work schedule makes a set day impossible. Pregnancy hormones have their own schedule, which overrules everything else. We will see how it works out once the baby is born.
What changes did you notice once your body was accustomed to an orgasm schedule?
Significantly increased energy, depression mostly gone, this is just with general retaining. I would say the schedule sample size is not large enough for a full answer.
How frequently do you have PIV sex and how frequently do you peg? Who usually initiates?
After one of our recent discussions, I stated that I felt like I had been disrespectful of her desires for PIV sex and that has been heavily restricted for me. This was not an official punishment, rather I think she has been taking the time to figure out what she wants. I am allowed to use a strap on or manual dildo to please her, she was interested in trying the numbing cream+condom idea you use with Kevin. So perhaps I am soon off probation. We do some form of strap on play about once a week, initiation depends on the day. I do not feel bad asking for it and sometimes I get surprised by her.
How do your friends feel about your relationship?
Many were “jealous” for lack of wording. We were always that couple that gets along smoothly and never had drama. A few of my chef friends would comment that they would love to switch places and be a stay at home dad. I don’t think most understand exactly how much work 24/7 child care is. My immediate family is very supportive of me taking over our household duties.
Do your friends know about pegging or chastity? If so, how did they react when they found out?
Unknown, most of my friends are open minded but I feel like that might be pushing it. It is obvious that my wife is the head of our house, I am quite proud of my place now.
How frequently do you go out and socialize with friends?
Most of my friends are out of state. Food service industry friends run schedules that are not conducive to socializing much outside of co-workers. That said, I do weekly role-playing games with friends over video chat. I socialize with other parents as much as realistic, given the pandemic, when I take my son to the park or playground.
How frequently does she go out and socialize with friends?
Rarely, friends also all out of state but she keeps in contact with her closest ones almost daily. I encourage her to take herself out on dates every so often.
Prior to this change, how do you describe your role with household chores in the household?
Minimal outside of cooking, which is a joy not a chore to me, and doing dishes.
After the change, how did your role with household chores change and mature?
You will be hard pressed to find a chore in the home my wife has had to do since locking. She would help if I asked, but she works hard enough. Prior to chastity, it was a mess. When asked, she said “I think I cleaned the bathroom once last month”.
How did religion impact your views on traditional household roles?
Neither of our schools promoted one form of household role more than the other, both were private religious institution. Sexuality however was an incredibly taboo subject however. In my wife’s case her high school, an all girls school, had a watch list of girls who might be lesbians with suspensions being handed out as punishments. My older sister had a similar experience at her rival all girls school. While my school was coed and did not actively hunt homosexual activity they did discipline any form of PDA or open sexual discussion not in a classroom setting. Even in class sex ed was mostly a “You will just get pregnant if you do it so don’t. But if you do use a condom I guess, but god will hate you.” No mention of pleasure or safety or openness.
My grandparents were biased towards gender roles, when chores were handed out my sister always got the household ones and my brother and I got “manly” chores. I don’t think this was out of anything other than the only way they knew how to do things. No matter the intention it still set expectations.
Do you feel like you are a man? Tell us about the internal struggle that led you to whichever conclusion that you came to.
I want to take the cop out and say I feel like me, because that is true. Sometimes me likes different things, I have just learned not to hate myself for it.
Easy answer aside: I pushed myself to be more manly and dominant in my life to wall off the part of my brain that liked doing things I thought were wrong. I never had an issue with other people’s sexuality, but would not allow myself to question what I thought was a rigid truth. The push back from that was a dark and dangerous person to myself and others. I have joked about a Hulk and Black Widow reference before, but it really is not a joke. The rage would come out like a solar flare, a huge random burst that could damage anyone or anything around me. When my wife speaks, that part shuts down and I relax. All of that rage was the manifestation of me struggling to bury my sexuality. I hated myself for being attracted to men, I hated myself for dressing in women’s clothing to the point that daily thoughts of self harm became so common place, they were almost ineffective. The path I was going down was so dark that I am positive I am only alive because of her. Before my wife came into my life I had no love in my heart, the barriers I built would not allow it. She showed me how to love someone and gave me something to fight for. Once my walls had been cracked, with the love of my wife, I was able to express my own feminine thoughts and feelings. I felt free to explore and have fun with things that I never would have before. I will paint my nails (my toes almost always), I have more panties than my wife does at this point I think, in addition to other woman’s clothes. Nothing feels more “put away” than a caged cock in panties, and the gusset when it isn’t sewn shut makes a great holder for the cage. Cross dressing is not a huge part of every day life (other than panties in place of boxers), I feel comfortable just being who I am now and knowing that who I am can change and that is not a bad thing.
Once I accepted those feelings as true, good and fun, the internal struggle collapsed. I let myself explore being a woman with her. She is bisexual and I am happy filling any role so there is no end to the fun combinations we can play with.
Did you feel respected by your wife when you initially made this change? How about now?
Always, if anything more so now. Her respect and love are the only things that made my transition even possible. We also both know what the other dealt with, which was an eye opener.
It sounds like the reversed roles work well for you. Are you embarrassed about the reversed roles? If so, why?
I am not embarrassed at all to be a stay at home dad. I am proud of the work I do to keep my house clean, family fed and my son happy and having fun. I know the value of my work, if the average stay at home parent got paid for their work, it would equal a 50k-60k in salary.
What activities do you and your wife enjoy doing together? Does your relationship dynamic bleed into those hobbies or common interests?
We play turn based strategy games on our PC, sometimes it’s a normal game. Other times we play as a team where I am her vassle and she commands what and how I do things. Other times I am not allowed to play and get to stay under the desk while she plays and pleasure her. She is a baker and I am a chef; when we make food together, it is always mutual. We also spend as much time as we can hiking small trails or in state park forests, where we can have all kinds of fun.As I mentioned, we will sit and do each other’s nails, she picks what she thinks would look pretty on me at the time.
Do you consider yourself the female in the relationship or do you simply consider yourself a male that has taken a traditionally female role?
Both, I do refer to myself as her wife or husband whichever suits how I am feeling.
How does your wife feel about your relationship?
I wouldn’t feel comfortable answering for her so here is her response in her own words:
My husband and I have always had a great relationship with each other. I know love at first sight seems cheesy, but that’s how I felt about him. I never knew what a loving relationship looked like. My parents never loved each other when I was a child; there was constant infidelity, fighting and enormous amounts of debt that led to divorce. It made me feel that maybe I will never get married to avoid such a relationship. My husband was different though; he always put me first, helped me through a handful of difficult times, and made me feel very special and loved. I told him in the beginning of our relationship that I wasn’t sure about marriage. It took us many years of trust building and love for me to be ready. When the time was right for me, we bought the ring together.
We both worked in food service, and our schedules were very chaotic but we made time for each other; even if that meant in the middle of the night. After the birth of our son, time seemed to escape from each other, our finances were a mess, and I missed him when he would be at work for endless amounts of time; including his days “off”. I felt like our world was falling apart and I was losing control of being “the perfect housewife.” I recognized that we needed to make some changes for this to all work. I decided we needed to make a serious change to our finances. I put us on a strict budget and we eliminated all of our debt (just working down one final student loan!) and never used a credit card ever again. That move alone made me feel safer. We had spoken about the long hours we were apart and we decided to change the dynamics of our house to encourage us to see each other more often. My husband got a job making enough income to support the family and I quit working to be a stay-at-home mom. I thought this would be the best plan to see him more often. It wasn’t long before he was back to working long, long hours. I thought that maybe this is just the way it’s supposed to be for the wife of a chef, no matter where he worked.
The work pressure and extreme depression made him quit suddenly. I decided in that moment that he’s not working in an environment like that; in fact, he’s not working in any established business. After a few weeks of love and taking care of him, I took the reins and found a job and he became the stay-at-home parent. At first, it was a little rocky; the house seemed to always be messy but I knew he needed time to adjust and I made suggestions here and there to make things easier.
Then he introduced me to the idea of FLR and male chastity. I didn’t quite understand at first. I just thought it was some kind of kinky femdom game he wanted to play. Then I saw the house being kept up more often, he would lay my clothes out for the next day, he was more loving in general. I wasn’t too strict in the beginning and things began to slip again. He asked me to really look into the FLR more and to be strict with him; he needed the control and explained why.
I started to read your blog and understood more about what this is all about. We talked about expectations; he must wear his cage all of the time unless I tell him otherwise, there are chores that need to always be done, he asks me every morning and every evening to pleasure my pussy orally, spankings are used more often when things are not done to my specifications, and recently we decided that monthly, he plans a special date in our home (since everything in the world is closed due to pandemic).
Overall, I feel like our relationship is more loving, intimate, and in control. I have developed more confidence in general and have been exploring my own sexuality more. I have always loved our relationship, but our new found way of life makes it even more amazing.
What a wonderful interview with both of you!
Thank you so much for the time and consideration that you put into your responses. I think your marriage is the envy of many and I wish you both the best in your journey together.
If you have any questions for this wonderful couple, please ask in the comments section below!