About Her · Non-Monogamy · Relationships · Sexuality

Sitting One Out: You Don’t Always Need to Participate

There is a relationship between all emotions but compersion and jealousy have one of the most unique. Jealousy is a beast of an emotion since jealousy in the context of a relationship produces many secondary emotions such as fear, suspicion, rage and humiliation. Compersion on the other hand is joy and empathy in the happiness of others.

What causes jealousy?

Many emotions can trigger or be triggered by jealousy such as possessiveness, inadequacy, low self esteem, control issues or even vulnerability and fear. If you don’t have a rock solid relationship and you are watching your partner in a sexual situation with another, there will likely be a level of fear related to losing your partner. I feel like the existence of jealousy is an indication that the relationship exists on a weak foundation. Frequent communication about feelings and directly addressing insecurities can help solidify a weak foundation.

Sometimes there’s nothing wrong with watching

For deeply emotional relationships, many men and women are able to experience pleasure when the other partner experiences pleasure or joy. Feelings of compersion can be attached to watching a partner win an award, receive a promotion at work or it can be attached to physical feelings like relaxation, massage or even sex and orgasm. In and my relationship, one of the best examples of compersion is when Kev is locked and I don’t feel like having penetrative sex. Sometimes I am just fine with pulling my rabbit from the nightstand for some solo adventures into manual stimulation land. Sometimes this starts with some oral stimulation from my favorite guy and sometimes it doesn’t. It usually involves Kev sitting on the side of the bed or in the desk chair on the far side of the room watching. Do I like an audience? Absolutely! Knowing that I am the object of Kev’s affection and knowing how much he enjoys watching me arch my back and body tense and relax with an orgasm or two is deeply arousing. I know with his big guy locked up, his attention and subsequent satisfaction aren’t related to his on his own pleasure. His satisfaction is derived from watching my sexual experiences and watching waves of dopamine course through my body. How hot is that? A partner that is so focused on my pleasure that he derives his own pleasure from it? Yes please!

Doesn’t watching make him a cuckold?

You can’t talk about compersion in a relationship without talking about the cuckold relationship. I personally don’t like the term cuckold so I don’t like to use it to describe our relationship. We have a monogamous relationship that sometimes includes others, a bit of consensual non-monogamy. Let’s call it poly-friending. I view the term cuckold as derogatory because it implies that the sexual experiences of the female are without the awareness and approval of the male partner. This is never the case for us, we are an open book of communication both sexual and otherwise.


What does he gain by watching?

Men are very driven by physically sexual feelings. By watching, it redirects him to get his fulfillment in a more emotional way. Rather than watching me and and touching himself when he gets aroused, watching while he is locked allows him to get lost in my pleasure. It allows him to separate the deeply physical connection that men have with their penises and experience sex on a more emotional level. The emotional disconnect that our society imposes on men is detrimental to self-awareness, communication and emotional pleasure. Opening new doors and windows into pleasure centers in the male psyche simultaneously complicates and simplifies their ability to experience pleasure in the context of a relationship.

What do I gain when he watches?

From a female perspective, it isn’t a straight comparison since many of the same emotions are different between genders. The drive to please isn’t as strong from women to men as it is from men to women. A man who feels that he has a sexually satisfied wife feels like he has satisfied her in all other aspects. This of course is rarely the case as we are great at compartmentalizing. It also help dispel the rumor that a sexually satisfied wife is an emotionally satisfied wife, like men we are complex creatures and we are capable of being either, neither or both when it comes to emotional and physical satisfaction. It also adds credence to the fact that we shouldn’t feel so obligated as partners to completely fulfill every sexual and emotional need. Sometimes we really are not enough and that should be ok. Kev is not emotional enough to be my only emotional connection. I have girlfriends who are far more emotional than he could ever hope to be. Does that make him any less of a partner? Does that make him any less of a man? Absolutely not. I don’t want him any other way.


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PandaBoy

Your writing always walk a line between mentally compelling and physically arousing. Is there ever a time that you will watch him play with himself?

dharmaproject

Would your opinion or position change if Kev and Andrew decided to play with each other without you watching? How about if they wanted you to watch?

williamportor

Terminology aside, a dominant woman who holds the key to her man’s chastity cage, trains him to accept longer periods of chastity, will usually have a submissive, well behaved man. Cuckolding him (especially with the popular white wife/black bull combination) results in surprisingly few marriage break up’s. This must be handled carefully of course, but it’s done far more than many realize.