Man thinking about

When men think about sex a lot, we assume it has something to do with testosterone. But men’s urgency about sex is not always about physical desire only. Sex can satisfy multiple needs at several levels for a man, giving him an opportunity to feel closeness, vulnerability, reassurance, and self-transcendence all in one experience.

What most women don’t understand is that for many men, sex is the deepest level of intimacy. This is not an inferior type of intimacy; it is a male type of intimacy. To him, sex can feel like the most profound, genuine sharing of himself he can imagine. It is not just a robotic release of sexual tension, it is the experience of giving his all in the drive to feel as close as possible to his partner, whether he is in love or not. It is the fulfillment of the most essential human need to connect.

For the man, sex may replenish his soul, but to the woman, his interest may feel only physical. Because a woman can get those same needs met partly in other ways, it is hard for her to imagine that a man may get that primarily, and sometimes only, from lovemaking. Women naturally create connections in their lives, so they have other sources of emotional fulfillment that men may only attain through their sexual experiences.

Women think that emotional intimacy is best achieved through talking about feelings and opening up to one another. When their man is not interested in this kind of intimate sharing, women can feel lonely and unheard, lowering their interest in further intimacies. Unfortunately, women who feel emotionally disregarded perceive the man’s sexual pressure not as a need to connect, but as a need to take. Many women feel that if their partners would be more emotionally responsive, they might want to have sex more.

Although emotional openness is increasing between the sexes, there is still an unspoken limitation on how much emotional openness is acceptable in a man. Women have societal permission to express their emotional needs, but males have been trained to be stoic. Only in the privacy of lovemaking does the man feel free to share himself at all levels with his partner.

Another thing men get from sex is a rare opportunity to be vulnerable. By its very nature, the sexual experience reassures him that he is safe and accepted. Vulnerability goes back to earliest childhood bonding when it was okay to depend on someone. Because there is so much social emphasis on men being tough and strong, it is easy to overlook how much men need to be vulnerable sometimes, to be released from preoccupations of control and success. For just a little while, a man can surrender in safety, and finally let go of it all.

Sexual connection for a man can also feel transcendent. Good sexual experiences take people out of themselves, lifting them out of their egos, and expanding them beyond the little workaday self. The experience of transcending the mundane reminds a man there is more to life than his daily routine. Lovemaking softens tough male defenses and moves him into the sublime experience of merger with another person. Men are so pressured to be practical, rational thinkers that sex becomes one of their only ways to rise above the tyranny of what everyone expects of them. They can leave their brains and reconnect to their souls.

But problems occur when men try to meet emotional and transcendent needs in sex without acknowledging that is what it means to them. Sex can then take on a driven, addictive quality, as unspoken emotional needs are compulsively expressed in action not words. The man is not aware of how truly needy he is, nor in which ways, and so sex becomes never enough, just like any intoxicant that is used to satisfy needs it was never meant to.

Men have to realize that if they are trying to meet all these needs primarily through sex, their female partners will get burned out. Women typically do not meet their emotional needs primarily through sex, and so sex with an emotionally driven man may feel more like giving than getting. In other words, she correctly senses that he is trying to make a deep emotional connection under the guise of sex, but because he himself is often unaware of this motive, he does not understand why she seems to see sex as tiring. It is not the sex that is tiring, it is the man pretending his needs are only about sex, as well as his reluctance to open up emotionally and communicate in the rest of their relationship.

The more a man is aware of his strong need for intimate connection, vulnerability, and reassurance, the more he can find additional ways of getting his emotional needs met with his partner outside the bedroom. Through sharing his feelings more with his partner, his emotional needs can be met directly in a way that replenishes the woman too, making her feel closer to him so that sex is an experience to be looked forward to, not avoided.

Meanwhile, women can have a new appreciation for the meanings sex can have to a man. He needs some understanding too. Sex for him is about a lot more than it looks like.

This blog is republished from drlindsaygibson.com and I felt that it did a wonderful job of describing the male sexual needs as I understand them. I did ask for permission to repost but I haven’t heard back. If Dr. Gibson is reading this and would like it taken down, please let me know and I’d be happy to do so.

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This is so true. Men do feel much more than an orgasm. It took Stephie a long time to help me realize what it was. She is a most patient teacher. I not only feel these emotions when I have an orgasm but also when we just are so sensual those other thirteen nights. Especially not that we have found this special PIV which she gets a quiet orgasm and I just share it.

The emotions are most powerful when we orgasm together though. It is such an amazing feeling of closeness and intimacy that is actually more powerful than the orgasm itself.

RIChris

Isn’t it just so enlightening and elevating to be given that sort of loving female guidance? So much that is confusing, painful or shameful in our isolated male experience suddenly has a context and makes sense when viewed through the more connected and complete female perspective. It gives me hope for the future that female voices are so clearly rising in our society and are becoming so much more accessible, not just for sharing among themselves, but for us, especially the rising generations, as well.

Sam

Soo true.. Very well put. Thanks for posting.

winstonmacgregor

Your optimism is wonderful and that could definitely describe sex for men who read this blog or incorporate chastity but that is the minority. Most men who I have worked with are exited the most by married women. Sex with no expectation of a personal relationship, ego, conquest, “taking” someones spouse, etc. All a woman has to do is briefly mention that her and her husband are fighting and they will swarm around her like mosquitoes around an outdoor light. Sad be to true.

RIChris

This piece is 100% on target in my experience. It felt almost like Dr. Gibson was inside my head and experiences. I regret so much that there was no one in my life to help me understand both sides of the experiential divide around sex; a lot of pain, both my own and my partners’, came from my failure to understand or communicate. Thank you, Emma, so much for finding and sharing this very insightful piece. Everyone should read it . . . twice!
🙂

Dad Bod God

This hit me right in the feels. So very on point that it made me sit for a moment in disbelief before I read it all over again. I enjoy chastity because if fills my emotional needs. I need an intimate, vulnerable and reassuring connection with her.

When she locks me up, I feel her reassurance and love throughout the day. Her teasing solidifies what I am incapable of receiving from her verbally. This blog also made me think of pegging and how vulnerable yet emotionally safe I feel when we are intimate in that way. If I had my way, we would do neither pegging nor chastity however I am willing to compromise and experience love with her in ways that are sex-positive for her. With a busy life, kids and work sex is often forgotten and the man can sometimes seek it elsewhere. I don’t want to be that man, I want to meet her halfway and experience the strongest marriage that I can experience, WITH her and not separately with someone else. Due to her low sex drive and I struggle with feelings of inadequacy sometimes. A tightly locked cock and a well pegged bum are the key to keeping our sanity and emotional well-being as a couple.

When I feel fulfilled, I give and I give plentifully. When I feel like she is “holding out on me” or “intentionally choosing to deny my needs”. I put those in quotes because I can’t describe those needs nicely. That is how my lizard brain feels but not how I choose to express those to her. I know that she owes me nothing and I only want to take what she will give freely but my initial reaction is that of my own selfish needs. Once digested and taken into context of our relationship and what an amazing woman she is, it is certainly less crass.

This article partially forgives what I’ve been conditioned to believe – “all he wants is sex”. My wife and I have experienced some challenges as I described in my introduction but I feel like compromises can take us from the resentful unfulfilling twice a month sex to ongoing sexual dialog through continuous verbal and physical communication. Rather than speak the dialog of sex in terms of vaginal penetration, we expand our dialog to include other things that are easier for her to enjoy with me even when she isn’t necessarily aroused.

I stole much of from our therapist but it is truly exactly what I want with her and for our family. All I want is love, acceptance and reassurance about our relationship. Unfortunately the way I receive this best is through her efforts toward my sexual needs as this blog describes so well. Her time, attention, and effort are so much more important than how she chooses to express herself. At the behest of our counselor, we set aside ten minutes a day for ourselves. Touching and talking. We chose to accompany this with the month of Locktober since we knew the cage would take away pressure of vaginal sex for her and increase my ability to communicate emotionally. This obviously wasn’t the direction of the counselor but it is working and 24 days ago we started a journey that is really helping.

This site is such an incredible resource for anyone else trying to gain a much deeper understanding of sexuality. Thank you so much Emma.

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