Ask Emma: Are we cuckold or open? Our marriage is complex and we need a change.

My husband and I are at a cross road and we don't know where we stand. We need to make a change and being the driving force in our marriage I think the change needs to come from me. We are poly and we date separately but I feel like we are living two different lives. He lives his life and I live mine. I have my own boyfriend separate from my marriage and my husband has three women that he sees on a regular basis although I don't think the word girlfriend applies to any of them. My husband and I are quickly becoming roommates as our sexual chemistry is driven in opposite directions. In addition to our emotional connection which has never felt stronger, I have a need for a sexual connection with him to feel an emotional bond in spite of our separate lives. We played with male chastity and even cuckold situations in the past but I got lazy with that and we decided to open things up fully. With most of his sexual needs being met elsewhere, chastity or cuckold situations carry the same weight or intensity as they did in the past. I am not his primary outlet of sexual energy and I think that takes away my value in his eyes. Not intentional but I crave the simplicity of a monogamous relationship with the control of a chaste or cuckold marriage. He thrived on being controlled before his door to our marriage opened. I loved the control that I felt when the two of us played sexually and I miss the closeness that we felt together. I know that I need to reel him back in and close his side of the bedroom door but I don't even know how to do it at this point. I miss the sexual control that we enjoyed together, what should we do?
Paula in Portland

Hi Paula! The clear implication here is that you want the control you once had when you were the "strong driving force" and you feel like you've lost some of the control in your household. You've become roommates or nesting partners and while that may be fine for some couples, it doesn't foster the core relationship that it sounds like you crave. What does it say about your sexual desires and their exclusion from your marital bed? I think it is very clear that you need a semblance of control over your husband's sexuality without giving up your own sexual freedom. Your current situation is paradoxical and seems not only unsatisfying but also unsustainable in the current form.

My personal opinion is that you need to bring the sexual aspect of your relationship together at the expense of your husband's extramarital friendships. Make his sexuality about you and allow him to experience sexual openness through your eyes. Men often thrive from sexual control and you may find that he will excitedly give up his current sexual autonomy for control and structure of a loving female led marriage. In fact, it sounds like the two of you thrived when you felt that in the past. Bring him into the relationship that you have with your boyfriend and let him love you through that rather than in spite of that. I've been quietly experiencing life with monthly blog updates lately but your situation sounds somewhat similar to what Kev and I have experienced lately. It has been some time since sharing an update about us and I feel like your question gives a good opportunity for an update. I'll recap with more thought about how you can reel your free fella back in.

I've had a boyfriend named Trevor for nearly six months now and we see each other regularly. At first this began as a separate relationship and I'd sleep over at his house most of the time, perhaps two or three times a week. This worked for me and Trevor but left Kev feeling alone and undesired. Coming home the next morning with disheveled hair and the just got fucked glow, he loved seeing me and often had breakfast waiting for us to enjoy and reconnect together. After some time this began to take its toll and even impacted the sexual side of our relationship. Kev has been on the 7 day chastity lockup plan for years now. We lock him up on Sundays, unlocking for non-orgasmic/maintenance sex and cleanings throughout the week but on Sundays he is permitted an orgasm. I love our Sundays and we both crave his sexual releases. Kev loves hearing about my fun times with Trevor but over time it becomes repetitive and included Kev less and less. This created a level of sexual distance that we never felt with Andrew and other past experiences.

During #sphnovember, I tried using SPH as a way to reconnect with the sexual side of my wonderful loving husband. That worked wonderfully, we were able to play into the "not good enough" aspect of male sexuality and derive some wonderful fantasy but the separation of my sexual partners was difficult. Kev had no autonomy to pursue relationships of his own and we discussed the possibility of opening this side of our relationship. In running this site, I've was contacted by a pro domme who wanted to play with my subby boy and that was an idea that I toyed with but I wanted him submissive guy all to myself. The problem was that our sex was about me and Trevor and it left a gaping hole for Kev. I've been feeling insecure about my understanding of that dynamic so I haven't felt confident enough to post blogs recently. If I don't have it all figured out at home so how am I any sort of authority to help any of you?

I had a heart to heart with Trevor in early December and told him that my relationship with him was impacting my relationship with my husband and I needed to make a change. I presented the conversation in such a way that his eyes perked up and he seemed concerned that he would fall victim to this change. I realized that my words were presented poorly and told him that I was seeking a change that would allow us all to benefit. I wanted converge my relationships and bring the two separate streams together. I wanted to truly allow Kev to experience my sexuality first hand in a way that would drive and capture his own sexual needs. While I have no desire for him to be an active participant with Trevor, I do want him to be an active spectator. I want to build and cultivate his sexual energy by experiencing my own alongside me.…