Hi Jessica!
Thanks for your email. I know this must be hard for you, I feel like I can hear the trepidation in your email. As you pointed out, it sounds like you've put your husband into the friend zone and that can be tough waters to navigate especially for a married couple.
The friend zone is a place where you get along with someone but there is no spark. Think about a sibling or parent whom you connect with emotionally but taking the jump to physical isn't at all enticing. There is no spark and no flutter as you noted. This guy is part of your support network but there is no arousal, no butterflies and no yearning for sexual contact or intimate touch. You may ask for a massage or backrub but it is always just that.
Are your displays of love and affection robotic? Do you say "I love you" out of habit? When he says he loves you, do you instinctively say that you love him back? Do you feel like you are taken for granted? Do you feel like you take him for granted or perhaps that he owes you something for sticking around and being his wife? Do you still flirt with each other? Perhaps you overshare and don't make an effort to be presentable for each other anymore. Do you cough, pass gas, blow your nose or even laugh about these things together without even the slightest attempt to hide them? The biggest one, do you use the restroom with the door open?
There, you said it. Could it be that your husband is truly not a good lover or do you simply thrive on the newness. Would you have married him initially if he wasn't a good lover? Does sex with the same partner get boring over time? Do women get bored with the same man over time? The fact is you can’t generalize the sexual boredom and preferences of all genders. Every one of us has predisposition to sexual boredom and both genders experience it but women are more predisposed to it.
Marta Meana of the University of Nevada at Las Vegas spelled it out by saying. “Long-term relationships are tough on desire, and particularly on female desire." To love is to have but desire is to want and even need something that you don't have. This is why desire fades in a long term relationship; because you already have it. Esther Perel says in her book Mating in Captivity "the qualities of a relationship that grow love – mutuality, protection, safety, predictability, protection, responsibility for the other – are the very things that will smother desire." and she is correct. These things all enhance love and reduce the uncertainty and novelty that drive desire.…
Hey Emma! This may be the best piece of your writing that I have ever read… and I have read a lot. You have made and supported your arguments so well, that even if the reader still dissagrees because of a base belief, there would be little left to dispute.
My partner and I flit in and out of the friend zone quite a bit, and I struggle deeply with the unsatisfying consequences as you know. I am sure that she does also. For now neither one of us feels secure enough to make a major move, so we will continue to ride the waves and ups & downs. Things have gotten much better for us the past couple years, so there is much hope for an even more satisfying situatuon for both of us.
Emma,
Great response and explanation about the changes we go through during long term relationships!
In reading her last sentence It almost sounds, to me, that she was looking for approval to step into the world of cuckolding. She questions having her husband carry her heart while another carry her physical needs.
I also hope she realizes how vulnerable and scary it must have been for her husband to reveal his desire to be locked in chastity and share your website with her. It shows he realizes there’s a disconnect and he wants to try something to make things better. He is offering control of his most prized possession. That is not something to be taken lightly and to be categorized as a “fetish” I hope “Jessica” has the courage and the desire to sit down with her husband and have a vulnerable discussion about the future of their relationship. I went through the exact same thing with my ex wife. We were married for 20 years and the last 5 of them we had become roommates. I approached her about trying chastity and an FLR to bring spark back into our bedroom but I was dismissed as having a “sick fetish” and that I was “broken” and needed therapy. Needless to say, our marriage dissolved. I Hope Jessica and her husband can communicate clearly and openly to take their relationship to the next level.
Part of the problem is that they spend too much time around each other, as a result of being employed at the same place. The old saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder and familiarity breeds contempt” could be true in their case.
The good news is that their situation can be fixed, as the love in their marriage is sound. He obviously has no problem with his desire for her, but she does for him. This isn’t something he alone can fix, he can cooperate with her attempts to fix the sexual chemistry between them, but she really has to figure this out for herself.
It is normal to see a decline in some desire after a period of time in relationships, as the novelty of newness wears off. Little annoyances, mistakes, insults and unresolved issues can collectively take their toll on a relationship. Then there are the challenges of raising two children.
Marital partners can tend to get lazy too, in their efforts with each other, knowing their partner is theirs, and not going anywhere.
Male chastity could possibly make a difference, if she sincerely gave it a chance, and explored it with him. It may open the door to trying other sexual ideas.
One thing for sure, is given their current situation, taking an extra marital lover will not help their marriage. This is something they both have to want, for it to work. They have to fix what they have, before even considering it.
“One thing for sure, is given their current situation, taking an extra marital lover will not help their marriage. This is something they both have to want, for it to work. They have to fix what they have, before even considering it.”
Wise words from a wise man. It won’t fix it. It will end it.
I think there are 2 things going on that are important to separate.
The beautiful thing is that you’re in charge of your relationship. You can determine what kind of variety you want to include and whether or not you want to experiment with power dynamics.
Embrace it. Life will only get better for both of you.
It would have taken a lot of courage for your husband to approach you with this and he will have been thinking about it for quite a while.
I’ve been there and the response was not good. But I persevered and eventually male chastity became a thing for us.
It was something I wanted. I truly belived it would ramp things up and bring the spark back.
The first year was turbulent, but eventually my wife C took the reigns and made us amazing again.
You have an advantage I think, you can choose to take control now and steer things in whichever direction will save you, improve you and make you both incredibly happy.
There are so many enjoyable things in life. Sex is one of them, it was never suposed to be a kept in a box, you just have to unlock it. Or not. You get to decide.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words and I hope the reverse is true, because I have a thousand words for you in hope it gives the bigger picture.
The following is one of thousands of entries in my journey on a rather vanilla chastity forum. It is my two year and four year entry.
Please read and understand that we (C and I) were in a very difficult and slow relationship and although we loved each other devorce was looming. I simply couldn’t let that happen, I couldn’t lose the most amazing thing in my life and zi was willing to do anything.
Maybe the offer of a cage, the control was a way to demonstrate this?
All I know for sure is.. Life is now amazing. For all of us.
Log:
Often the question arises “why?” are we all insane?
I thought this might clarify things or put me straight into the asylum.
Either way. I Hope it makes sense to someone.
It’s two years now since we started this journey.. Well, I say ‘We’.. C Definitely wasn’t on board
I’ll start again.
It has been two years since ‘I’ started this journey. What a ride so far.
The first year was difficult, lots of trial, error and a great deal of resistance from C, but it did bring about many changes, and it did open the door to new Kinks and a more exciting life.
For me it was always exciting, but try as I might, I couldn’t get away from it being about me at the end of the day and C found it all too much.
The second year. C did get on board. I eventually had the courage and sense to let C take the reigns. It was when C took over. That is when the real changes started to happen. The real improvements, Permanent changes, life improvements that have changed us both.
The second year became more about ‘us’ and certainly a lot more about C.
I think statistically, the fist year I was locked 50% of the time, much of which was me locking me and C putting up with it.
This last year over 90% with C being the one to insist.
On the sex side. I would say at least a 400% frequency increase and ironically, it is no longer about the sex anyway. The preasure has gone, and the gates have opened.
Relationship wise, the increase in how we get on, bond, play and find each other of interest. The need to be together. Is immeasurable.
The cage hasn’t done this, it was a catalyst in a way.
We did this.
C did this.
The cage hasn’t altered us or changed us, it has helped us discover who we are and realise that we like each other. A lot!
The real changes came about as a result of being able to communicate, being able to listen and get in tune with each other.
The cage has enabled C to say No. To help herself when it suits her, without preasure, guilt or resentment.
My ed has gone. I realise It was never really there, it was all in my head, caused more by my needs and expectations and failures and doubts.
The cage.. Helps. It gives us something to point at or blame or use, that in a way side steps the awkwardness of not being in the mood or wanting to ask for something unusual.
No is replaced with “I’m keeping you locked” which has turned a No into a sexual thing, a happy thing.
I actually told C I have fantasies of being butt fucked by her yesterday. And she wasn’t shocked or appalled, she just made a mental note rather than the expected ‘shut it down’ .
Who, in a normal relationship can have this type of conversation?
Anyone. The hard bit is having a normal relationship.
Two years ago.. I genuinely found it difficult to ask C if we might be able to have sex. And then I would belive any ‘ok’ from C was given begrudgingly and I would lose my erections. A complete failure.
Now.. If my erections did fail. And I can’t remember when it last did, I’d laugh about it and C would lock it up and find another use for me. We don’t need ‘it’ anyway to have great sex.
We don’t even have to have sex to have great sex!
Some of the best moments are in the here and now. A word, a look, a promise of being kept locked, of being denied..
Being told C won’t be using my dick any time soon is incredibly erotic. Two years ago it would have destroyed me as a man.
So. Two years on. Cock is in a cage and I’m used as a kind of sex toy. I have less orgasms than I ever have. I do housework, look after the kids, spend less time with “the boys” drink less beer and I don’t argue with my wife.
I’m constantly reminded that I’m under the thumb or held by the balls. I serve, I worship. I’m proud and I’m loved.
I feel more A man now than I have felt my entire life.
Log
It’s my four year chastiversary.. Or our three year depending on how you look at it.
It dawned on me recently that although it feels like little has changed in the last year or two, this just isn’t the case.
Things are moving along at C’s pace so at the right pace. What will happen I have no idea, but I look forward to it. We are in a better place now as a family and a couple, as friends and as Man and wife.
I don’t feel dominated or abused or any of the ‘textbook’ things one might think I should feel. I do feel like a devoted loving and very much loved husband. I feel blessed, lucky, high on life.
When I first looked into this stuff and found some actual real people living it.. (thanks Tom and Thumper btw (TnT).
Well I wasn’t looking for what they had kink or journey_wise. What they had to me was a solid relationship. One that was obviously growing. They were getting closer, and although this is how all couples should be it isn’t usually the case.
My journey is totally different and I don’t have any goals in mind these days. I push, I’m cheeky and it either pays off or its painful. My character hasn’t changed, I am if anything more ‘Me’ than I have ever been, and the great thing is. That’s the guy C fell in love with..
Today I recieved a text from C out of the blue
“I love you, I’d be completely lost without you. Thank you for loving me too. See you later 😘❤️💋💕🗝️🔒💋💕❤️xxxx
Wow! nuf said.