To delay or not to delay, that is the question.

I can tell you that my man and I dealt with delayed ejaculation. The first thing I will tell you is it's natural for her to feel like it's her fault in some way. There are physical and psychological reasons that might be causing you DE. My man had some nerve damage from aggressive masturbation before we met. Get a urologist to check out the physical aspects and maybe see a sex therapist afterwards if needed. It's totally treatable!

Hi DJ, and welcome.

You've followed the site so you know what it's about, so I'm sure you won't be alarmed ant my second piece of advice.

The first is to do what Macy says and, if you haven't, get checked out medically. It would be a shame if you're both suffering a solvable dilemma.

The second piece of advice is that everybody is allowed to define what sex is for them, and you and your wife should talk this through.

I can orgasm and ejaculate physiologically, but I'm not allowed to in my own FLR relationship (though my wife is very orgasmic). My chastity is both caged and honour, depending on how my wife feels, but it's two years since I had a conventional orgasm and that was the first in a good while.

When my wife wants PIV sex I hold back from orgasm, which I've gotten quite good at over the years, which meant that when we started this I would keep going until she became sore. We solved it by her just telling me bluntly to "hop off" when she's done, and I'm happy to do this.

But PIV isn't what we do routinely: we have a variety of things she likes and we do them as she commands. This will sound odd to some people, but I wouldn't trade what we've evolved for anything, especially penile ejaculations.

I'm not saying or even hinting you copy me, but my message is to think about what turns you both on and to branch down these avenues to see how they work out, but also to have a word, phrase or signal your wife can use to say she's ready to stop.

Lastly, depending on how your stress over this presents itself, perhaps talking to someone who can give proper sex advice would help.

Hiya! @dad-jokes

I agree with the recommendations of seeking medical attention from @stevesub and @macy-has-keys but I have a few more questions because I hate to leave you with just that.

1. How often do you masturbate? 
2. You didn't explicitly say so but I assume that you cum when you masturbate. True? 
3. Time yourself next time you masturbate. How long does it take to finish?
4. When you  have sex, do you get yourself off? How does that go?
5. Does she normally have an orgasm when the two of you have sex?  
6. How willing is she to work with you on this problem? Is she comfortable with you sharing your progress along the way?

I feel like the two of you may be sabotaging the sexual side of your relationship with the way things are happening now. She must carry a weight of negativity since sex ends when it is painful for her and then telling you that your session is done. This guarantees that she will experience physical pain and your disappointment when she tells you that playtime is over. I have some ideas and I would love for you to stay in touch so we can see how things go for the two of you.

I really like the love and admiration that you communicated. If the actions are anywhere near as complimentary as your words, your marriage is built on a firm foundation. Don't sweat sex so much and try not to have so much guilt around it. Pressure and guilt will only compound the problem. Just enjoy each other and be good to each other as @stevesub said, no two relationships look alike.  

Posted by: @evolvingyourman_ivcr4j

• How often do you masturbate? 

Depending on what is going on I would say an average of 3-4 times per week.

• You didn't explicitly say so but I assume that you cum when you masturbate. True? 

That is true.

• Time yourself next time you masturbate. How long does it take to finish?

I will time myself tomorrow and report back.

• When you  have sex, do you get yourself off? How does that go?

After we have sex, we lay beside each other and masturbate. Unless I am sore or preoccupied that goes fine most of the time.

• Does she normally have an orgasm when the two of you have sex?  

For the first few years of our marriage, yes. We would stop having sex at that point and I would masturbate beside her. Now she has a much more stressful job and the probably some anxiety around our sex situation so she no longer has orgasms from sex.

• How willing is she to work with you on this problem? Is she comfortable with you sharing your progress along the way?

She is extremely supportive and will be fine with me sharing anonymous/private information about us. 

I've posted a few things about delayed ejaculation that might be of interest:

https://www.evolvingyourman.com/2021/06/20/a-unique-approach-to-cure-delayed-ejaculation/

https://www.evolvingyourman.com/2019/02/05/delayed-ejaculation/

Delayed or retarded ejaculation is actually quite common but nowhere near as common as premature ejaculation. The non-physical causes are most frequently:

• Lack of attraction
• Nerve damage (sometimes from masturbation techniques that cannot be replicated by a vagina)
• Anxiety & Stress
• Medications (is he on any anti-depressants/anti-psychotic or seizure prescriptions?)
• Excessive drinking or drug use.

My recommendation is quite simple but it must be followed closely. Masturbation and porn need to stop completely and you need to use a cage together. You stated that you've tried some sexual things that I promote on the site so I would imagine that you already own one. If not, check out some of the information on this site and get an inexpensive one.

Your wife is the bad guy when it comes to sex and that needs to change immediately. Get a timer or clock and together decide what a reasonable amount of time for sex should be, sex starts and stops with that clock. I would suggest starting with something like ten minutes. If you aren't finished, that's fine; you can finish next time. When the timer goes off, get the cage. No questions asked. You can absolutely lie beside her and watch her masturbate after sex but no playing with yourself. That will only compound the problem. Sex should be a positive time together and should be something that brings you together. I am sure she would appreciate some massages and extra effort around the house. Vacuum, dishes, laundry. You know the drill. Pegging, cuddling and any other sexual activity that can continue as normal with the cage remaining on is just fine. 

You said that she would have orgasms with sex and no longer does. This might be due to desensitization, negative feelings surrounding sex or it may be due to natural decline of lust in long term relationships; women especially. If I had to place a wager on it, your sexual situation probably plays a big role in her lack of orgasm. 

Give us an update in a week, or two or three. I have a feeling that you will get some magic back in your relationship. I also have some additional questions that may be more personal so I'll send you a private message.

Thank you for the coaching on this, I'll give some updates and she may eventually even register to give her own perspectives. 

WOW! Proof that a story need not be sexually explicit to be deeply arousing. You two seem like you have a very intimate connection. I am so glad that you shared this and I would love to hear your wife chime in at some point.

Just last month my husband and I had a similar experience although ours ended up finding our way back to our hotel room. It was every bit as intense as it was scary. I haven't felt the same @franco83 and I have been riding in the clouds and talk about it often. I love experiencing crazy things with my husband and knowing that we are there together through it all.

@dad-jokes First and foremost I am very glad that the two of you read my responses together. So many couples post their troubles on the internet when the person they should really be talking to is right beside them. I also like that you both know what to expect from locking you up for a few weeks. Yes you will very likely get whiny and you will most likely find yourself very touchy and want to massage her frequently. You can't touch yourself to get your physical needs met so you will reach out to her. So far things sounds like they are going great.

In terms of the delayed ejaculation, we are all self conscious about certain things. From the sound of things, your wife has accepted you for who you are and your sex life for what it is. You may have missed Locktober but you haven't missed NOvember and DENIEDcember. In a very expected turn of events, you've already asked how long I see this taking. I expect it to take as long as it takes. If you are limiting your orgasms and having regular sex (PIV, teasing, pegging and presumably oral) I can't imagine that the lockup will take too long but who knows. You wife really doesn't need to do much aside from sit back and enjoy the extra attention and house cleaning. Verbal and physical teasing will certainly make both of your lives more enjoyable. I am happy to send some links with suggestions if you need them but it sounds like you've done this before.

You may experience ED problems and be unable to get it up during one or more of your sessions as your body and mind adjust to using her beautiful + delicate parts instead of your overzealous hand and pornography as necessary stimulation. 

Your story is titilating and exciting but I worry that you are pushing this instead of letting her drive at a speed she is comfortable with. If you do not go at her speed, both of you may find yourself in a very uncomfortable position. I hope you consulted with her and made these types of decisions with her support. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment. What if he had called and asked him to come over to his house. The two of you had not discussed this so she would not have known the guardrails of what she is permitted to do. It sounds like you were well intentioned but new to this sort of experience and we all have to start somewhere. You needn't answer these but you should discuss them with your wife before any repeats of your waiter story. What if he asked her to go to a bar alone with him? What if he asked her to go to his house? What if he asked to come to your house? How far would your wife be comfortable with going? Would your wife want you in the room if things turned sexual? Would it stop at oral? If not, would condoms be required? Assuming you were locked, would she unlock you? Is she allowed to see him again? If she went through with this, would you now be allowed quid-pro-quo? Certainly you see the point, these are questions that should be answered far in advance so neither of you feels alienated or has hurt feelings.

These types of things can be fun but this is not a porno and very well established plot guidelines are of the highest order of importance. This is your life we are talking about, please exercise caution. Your partnership with this woman sounds wonderful and jeopardizing your relationship is silly. Answer all of the potential questions before you are in the situation so you know you can be comfortable and present. Do you really want her trying to enjoy a moment but looking over at you to make sure that she isn't breaking any rules the entire time? I am not saying that you are being reckless but your story came off as being impulsive and improvised. I apologize if you both had these questions answered but it did not sound like that was the case.

Communicating and understanding boundaries!! you can read our vacation story if you want https://www.evolvingyourman.com/community/the-journey/our-vacation/ but we spent our long car ride talking about the rules and decided that we would quit immediately if either of us did not want it to continue. Franco wanted to be present for whatever happened and I did not feel comfortable doing anything more than doing oral sex on the man. I told Franco that this is a one way deal and he said that he has no interest in anyone but me (correct answer my love). We had a long car ride home and we talked about the experience. How did it make Franco feel? He enjoyed watching me feel the excitement of the experience. At one point I giggled and looked at him and Franco said that was his favorite part of the whole night. How did it make me feel? I loved it. It was so exciting and it made my heart race. Married sex is not boring per say but I know what to expect. My lover sitting a few feet away made it wonderful because sexually teasing Franco is my favorite pastime. At the same time I don't feel compelled we don't feel like we must do it over again. At least not right away. We may try something again in a year or two but it was not something that awakened some sort of sexual beast inside of me. It did unlock my passions for Franco for not being uptight and jealous and the whole thing. He felt like my partner in the experience and it the whole thing made me feel very sexy. We have a lovely story to fantasize about together. I don't think we will see the guy again but he did offer to come visit us if we ever want to try again.

While I think the non-monogamy stories are very interesting, I would like to try and stay on the topic of @dad-jokes delayed ejaculation. By all means if you have comments on Franco & Kimmy's vacation story (a very hot story) please visit that topic and post there. I just want to make sure that we stay on topic if we can. Thank you for sharing @kimmy2006 I feel like your response contributed but I don't want the replies to sidetrack this conversation. ❤️ 

Thanks Emma!

After reading your outside perspective about our attempt at non monogamy I can see your point. I think we both saw it as a game and we didn't think through the whole process. It might be fun at some point and I know she does as well but it should probably wait for a vacation when we are far away from people that we both might know. I just want to see that sexually confident side of her light up and I think a decade of sex with the same partner squashed any of the the hormonal lust and newness as you describe it.

I have been locked for three days now and I feel like things are going well. Just like when we've done this before I've found myself to be more touch focused. We have a couple cages and I made the mistake of selecting the metal one. I did an outdoor activity yesterday that was somewhat uncomfortable with that cage and probably better suited for the plastic one because it is lighter and more flexible. I asked my wife if it would be possible to switch to the different style and she said "you picked that one, you need to live with your choice". So that's that. Clearly I'll have some mild discomfort for my next few physical activities. Her tone and wicked smile made me think she might be enjoying this a little too much.

Last night I really felt a need to touch her so I offered a massage which she accepted and we both really enjoyed it. Afterwards as we were laying in bed watching tv together she tapped on my cage, held it for a while and made a few teasing comments. Obviously I wasn't able to get aroused in the metal cage but it felt like she was being supportive.

She isn't a fan of oral sex (giving or receiving) so that is probably off the table. We normally sleep at opposite ends of the bed with a wall of pillows between us but we cuddled all night last night and that really made me (us?) feel close. We haven't had sex or pegging yet but I am committed to doing the timer & immediate lockup plan that you suggested whenever we have sex. I am hopeful that it will take negativity away from sex and make closeness and intimacy with me much more enjoyable. 

I am hopeful that this works and doesn't become too difficult. I feel like it is already bringing us closer from an intimacy standpoint. You mentioned ideas about teasing, any suggestions would be great. The more we both enjoy this together, the longer we will be able to stick with it. 

@dad-jokes The key is to listen to her and make it about her. When she allows the cage to come off for sex, don't start humping like a kid in a candy store. Go slowly and gently and let her decide the pace. When the timer goes off and the cage goes back on, do it quickly and take the attitude of gratitude for the experience that you both enjoyed together. Learn about compersion so you can feel the pleasure of her orgasm with her. After your playtime, give her compliments and praise. Make every experience (sexual or not) a positive one and enjoy each other to the fullest. This isn't the most normal thing in the world for many women and it most certainly does not come natural. Make a point to thank her for locking you and for going through this process with you. With any luck, the delays you experienced will be a thing of the past.

Realizing that this isn't going to be an overnight success and you may be going for several months without an orgasm, what is the longest you've ever gone prior to this? You mentioned that the two of you enjoy pegging, have you ever experienced a p-gasm (prostate orgasm)? A peg or two might help, especially if you start feeling cranky or irritable. It will make it easier but it won't relieve the pressure and fullness that you are probably already feeling in your balls. There is only one way to fix that pressure. 

About the teasing, here are a few blogs about it but before I get to that. Does she wear your key as a necklace? I would start there if she is willing, there is nothing like seeing your key dangling between her breasts as you are going about your day. Since the cage removes all pressure to have sex, she will probably feel more comfortable being more overtly sexual. Grabbing your butt, making sexual jokes, laughing and teasing your locked status. There is little that will stifle a female sex drive more than feeling like she somehow owes you sex. Intentional or not, when unlocked it can feel like sex is a tit for tat obligation for us. Here are some teasing ideas for you two lovebirds. Teasing 1 Teasing 2

Keep us updated on your progress and we would love to hear from your lovely bride. Remember to make it about her and focus your attention on showing her how much you love and adore her. I love how supportive she has been and I am curious to hear if her experience of your behavior differs from your perception. Some things ? ? may skew your perception. 

My wife has a key necklace and wears it sometimes but I imagine I will be seeing it more. It would be more impactful if it was the actual key but I don't know if she has a chain that would work with that key. The key she has is the common one that seems to come with cages so it is pretty unique looking, I attached a similar one to the post. I would be nervous for her to wear it every day but it would be hot if we went out for a date night and she wore the actual key. 

She is able to give me a p-gasm from pegging although we have never called it that. The first time I didn't even know what happened because the orgasm felt like it was radiating from the inside of my body out. I don't think it happened until we pegged 10+ times and it seems to happen when she holds me by the sides of my hips and does deep strokes the length of the toy instead of little short strokes. Possibly something to do with the tip rubbing against my prostate?

She is sitting about ten feet from me right now so it is a very good time for me to give her a hug and thank her for loving me and locking me. I'll try to get in that habit as well so she knows how important her attention is to me. Thank you!

Those moments of affirmation are fantastic. She may seem confident and in control on the outside but taking a moment to tell her that you love her and appreciate the efforts she is making cut straight through to her heart. Keep it up, positivity and encouragement go very far. 

That is great about the p-gasm, many men really struggle to achieve one. It has a something to do with how close/intimate you allow yourself to be with your partner and your specific biology.

How well are you communicating with her? Check in with her and ask her what she is seeing in terms of behavior changes in the last few days. Give us an update or have her chime in to this thread. Strong communication is key in a loving relationship, don't take this all on yourself.