About Her · Relationships

What do women want in a relationship?

The question that has been asked a million times in a million different ways. I am not going to attempt to answer it because the question shouldn’t need to be asked in a relationship with proper communication. This isn’t about what I want for dinner, this is about the traits that I find attractive.

What do women want?

-Every Man

The question I am going to answer is what women want from a very general standpoint in a relationship. I am speaking for myself of course so ladies, please feel free to contribute.

First some background. Over what has been nearly a year, I have been living with two beautiful boys. My long time boyfriend Kevin and our friend Andrew. Both of them are incredible and I enjoy different things about both of them. This doesn’t mean that their traits together would make the perfect man because that isn’t the case. Both of them are perfect on their own but I find some of their individual traits attractive. I am not out searching for something new but we’ve had very open conversations and connected on a deeply emotional and honest level. As you continue reading, understand that this is my journey of self realization not a pros and cons between the two amazing people. I don’t want either of them to change, not one bit.

Emotional Safety

I want to feel emotionally safe. I want to feel like I can be my normal goofy self and have a guy who gets me at that level but also gets me on every other level. I want to feel secure that he won’t judge me for the silly things that I inevitably say and do. I want a man who offers unconditional acceptance, encouragement and no judgement or criticism. This is the absolute definition of Kev! We are besties and we have a deeper emotional connection than I could ever ask for.

Good Genes: Physical Attraction

I want a man who is physically attractive. I want a man with nice shoulders, abs, chiseled facial features, nice teeth and dark luxurious hair. I want a guy who dresses nicely and is well groomed and is a strong rough and tough guy. This usually comes along with feeling like you are whisked off your feet and don’t have to think on your own. You are company to his sense of freedom, both emotionally and literally. Andrew is a classically more attractive guy with a firm tummy and more chiseled facial features and Kev’s face with beautiful deep eyes is attractive enough to be sexy.

Financial Security

I am being real here. Women want guys who are either financially secure or have a work ethic that will ensure that they won’t go hungry. This is about emotional maturity and priorities more than it is about driving a fancy car and having a nice house. While it is easy to get caught up in expensive gifts and fancy dinners, it is about feeling like he provides a home. None of us truly financially secure but we all do alright. When I see guys who flaunt their money, I find myself disliking him without even giving him a chance. I immediately assume he is a total douche. With that said, a wealthy guy with other traits is certainly a plus.

Parenting Proclivities & Altruism

I don’t think I want kids but I find men who treat kids and dogs with kindness attractive. I think it shows responsibility and kindness, all of which I find incredibly attractive. If a guy treats the people around him well, I feel like his actions toward me are genuine and I feel like he will treat me well. If he is a total asshole to people, I am embarrassed to be around him and nervous that he will treat me with the same rudeness. Both Kevin and Andrew are the nicest of nice guys but Andrew comes off slightly less likable on first impression until you get to know him. If guys can have resting bitch face, poor Andrew has a lick of it.

Sense of Humor

I like to laugh and I find humor sexy. The glint in his eye and smile on his face as he tells me a funny story is incredibly alluring. Even if it isn’t the funniest thing I’ve ever heard, the confidence in which it is delivered is a big turn on. Laughter is the best medicine and I laugh at the smallest of jokes. I love to laugh and I love having a smile on my face. Kev and Andrew are both funny but not funny at each other’s expense. When we first moved in together, there was some mutual teasing between them but I didn’t like it at all. I think it took both of them some time to realize that they weren’t in some sort of cave man competition for me. That was very short lived and our laughter has been very free and open.

Confidence

I want a man who is confident because it makes me feel safe. When he tells me that he loves me, I know that he is confident in his decisions and it makes me feel like he does in fact truly love me. This extends beyond words and into actions. A confident hug is different than a tentative and reluctant hug. Andrew is very confident and self assured while Kev can be more tentative and uncertain. With that, Andrew’s decisions can be more impulsive and less thought out than Kev’s but I like the confidence. I’ll even find myself going along with an lesser idea or plan just because of the confident manner that it was presented.

A Project

I want to feel like I make him a better person so I seem to find guys that are a project. I believe that I am a caring and nurturing person and I feel like I add value to him by helping him with some sort of challenge. It may be one of the above traits or it may be some sort of struggle with family member politics. I find a challenge and a project to be almost irresistible especially since I love to control something. I feel like if I could just control that one problem, I could help him fix it.

Summing it Up

So back to the question that started this blog. What do women really want in a relationship? They want the same thing men want in a relationship, everything! The right partner is a mix of the physical traits and emotional characteristics that frame the best person to partner with.

I’ve learned that it is unrealistic and unfair to expect all of these traits from one person. Stability, support and security can even contradict passion and spontaneity when they are present in the same person. All of this introspection comes as the reality of Andrew is moving away to get back to his normal life that the pandemic put on hold. I’ve been busy over the last couple months helping him get his things packed and living situation figured out for his cross-country journey. Andrew will always be a wonderful part of our lives but he is moving on to his next chapter and both Kev and I support him doing what he needs to do. That’s not to say that both of us won’t miss him dearly.

Things have been busy over here but are slowly getting back to normal. I’ve been busy and haven’t been giving enough attention to my blog as evidenced to my once per month blog cadence as of late. Sorry to all of you but I have bunches of notes and blog drafts for us to talk about together over the next few months. I find it amazing that we went nearly a year with very few conflicts and minimal jealousy. I think we had a good ride, Kev and I wouldn’t give up the experience for the world. We aren’t looking for anyone to replace Andrew, we are trying to spend some time understanding what he brought to our relationship and to a lesser extent what he took away from my relationship with Kev. This is just a quick update on what we are doing right now, more on all of that later.

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