Sexual confidence is about one thing, taking control. Once you are in control confidence comes naturally but feeling like you are worthy of taking control is another thing entirely. Let’s start by talking about why your sexual confidence matters. Sexual confidence doesn’t come from being “good in bed” or having a perfect body. Sexual confidence is feeling comfortable with whatever body you have. From fit to fat to everything in between, it is about believing that you are worthy of receiving sexual attention and being able to properly explain what you want from your partner.
Face it, as women we rule the world when it comes to sex. The entire concept of sexy revolves around the female body. Society’s pressure to have the perfect body is squarely on our shoulders. This means that we are at much higher risk of experiencing body dysmorphia and other psychological strains due to expectations that we perceive.
My sex confidence came from allowing myself to experience sex with someone that I didn’t care about emotionally. He was gorgeous but we didn’t have much in common. While I liked looking at his gym-chiseled-body he wasn’t much of a conversationalist unless you want to talk about the latest keto fad or yesterday’s workout. Was I using him for his body? Yes! Does that bother me? No! It is about believing that you deserve pleasure and setting expectations about what you want from sex. Mismatched expectations about sex often result in feelings of not being good enough or guilt when it comes to sexuality.
Women rule the world when it comes to sex and don’t allow yourself to forget it. In a relationship or outside of a relationship, you control the flow of sex in the relationship. Within a relationship, you should also control his sexual/orgasmic allocation as well. If you are an avid reader of this site or follow female led relationships, you know the hormonal changes within his body draw him closer or pull him away from you emotionally. When he is close emotionally you naturally feel more secure and sexually confident. When he is distant emotionally, it is natural that you question the relationship and question your own sexual worth.
One of the keys is separating sex from orgasm for him. For guys, this doesn’t come very natural but it changes his focus in a very good way. When men are focused on the goal of orgasm, they find it challenging to focus on the road to get to that goal. My Kev knows to stop when he gets close and redirect his attention to pulling out and giving me physical attention in other ways. When the action stops and I feel him caressing my body, I know the sacrifice that he made. I receive each bit of his effort as a token/testament of his love and commitment to our relationship.
As part of a female led relationship, I strongly recommend using a chastity cage as a tool to strengthen the bond in your relationship. The cage allows you to allocate his sexual pleasure to a schedule that you feel comfortable with. This is a learning process and is different with every guy. As a general rule of thumb, I would say that most men should not ejaculate more than once per week. With that said, most men ejaculate at least 5 times per week and many of them are more than once per day. Challenge him to track it, I think you will be disappointed and it may shed some light on challenges with the emotional connection and communication in your relationship. The cage can be a wonderful part of your day to day relationship, tell him when it goes on and when it goes off.
Another way to boost your sexual confidence in a major way is with pegging. For those of you not familiar, pegging is the act of wearing a strap-on dildo and anally penetrating your fella. This requires a great deal of communication, intimacy and connection but a committed guy will be capable and willing to at least give it a try. For me, turning the tables of penetration makes me feel powerful and incredibly confident. I know that I feel like sexuality for women is more cerebral than it is physical. Having never been a man, I can’t say for certain but I feel like dominating him gives me an intensely sexually powerful experience like nothing else. Starting slowly, he will be trepidatious and nervous. Your calming voice telling him to breathe and relax as you push yourself gently into him. Feeling his body quiver slightly with each push. Your reassurance will help him relax as you slide in and out. As he becomes more comfortable hold him by the hips and pull him toward you. He should arch his back and push into you as his body accepts you in him. His communication should be more than grunts and moans. Ask questions that require more than a yes and no response and don’t accept half ass responses. Always stop before he asks you to, leave him wanting more. You are in complete control, you control when the action starts and when it stops.
Sexual self confidence comes from within but there are ways to boost it with casual hookups and within a committed relationship. Remember that much of sexual self confidence comes from flirting and feelings of newness. Consider that those feelings of newness may be addictive and may be a wonderful way to make you feel sexually alive. If you are considering consensual non-monogamy in your relationship, really consider it. I know it isn’t for everyone and openly honest communication will be required but I don’t think we were designed to be entirely monogamous. I think our feelings and social structure are much more complex than that. Talk to your partner openly and consider allowing yourself to experience that newness with someone else. Do you remember that feeling of having your head in the clouds? Do you remember waiting eagerly by the phone for that person to text or call? These things can and do happen within the confines of a committed relationship. From experience, I know that polyamory – or multiple loving connections are possible. While our society frowns on this, it is naive to expect one person to fulfill every aspect of our happiness. This artificial limitation to our sexual persona is part of what stifles our sexual energy. Try some of the ideas in this blog to reignite that spark and allow yourself to enjoy your sexual side; free from guilt.