In and of itself, the human mating process is a very simple thing. Boy puts his thing inside girls thing until one or both of their bodies climax. Our society adds some complication to that with religion and societal expectations. Couple that with a layer of homophobia and ever-changing hormones. No wonder the sexual dynamic in our relationships can be so challenging!
What if we hit the reset button and played it by the science. No I am not talking about making sex clinical and sterile because science tells us that boring sex doesn’t turn us on. In fact, science tells us that none of us are hard wired for monogamy. Both men and women can be monogamous however only if they allow their sex drive to be ignored or subjugated.
Do you ever feel like your libido is gone, like the sexual tingles have all but dried up?
When we enter relationships, the science tells us that both of us are aroused by newness and hormonal excitement. There is a race against better judgement to become sexually connected with each other. Once the couple is physically intimate with each other, the female libido goes from partner acquisition mode to relationship sustainment mode. This brings the sexual energy in the relationship from a 10 to somewhere between a 5 and a 6. The man’s libido will usually slow down to match the female as well but sometimes he is still in high gear especially with younger males. Females will start redirecting sexual energy to building or solidifying the comfortability and security of the relationship. This can involve financial, career, home selection and even home decorating. I know I am guilty of this, my body shifts to making sure that we have all of the components that we need as a family and my sexual urges became secondary. My sex drive in and of itself became a nice to have instead of a must have. Over the last few years, my desire levels have changed from feelings of nearly insatiable horniness to a periodic scratching of a sexual itch. This seems to be a common theme for many females in intimate relationships while the male sex drive tends to stay more constant.
Examining what little I know from firsthand relationships and reading extensively, I think most male minds are hardwired for a couple things:
Satisfying a Woman
This doesn’t always mean sexually, this also means providing value to a woman to the extent that she sticks around. In the hunter/gatherer cave man world, a man who was in capable of bringing food home would be less valuable than a man who brought food home every night. Can you imagine the Joneses in the cave next door with a nice fat wildebeest while you and your family are snacking on berries? Many men take this very literally and think that pleasing a woman sexually is the end-all-be-all way to keep her happy. As most of us know, sex is third or fourth on the list for most of us. I don’t even desire sex unless my emotional needs are met.
Releasing HIs Seed
In the context of a relationship, he is wired in a way that requires that his testicles are emptied on a regular basis. The higher his testosterone, the more frequently they need emptying. He expects to have regular intercourse or regular opportunities to fulfill this need. Don’t question if it is a want or a need, it is most certainly a need. Secondary to releasing his seed is to feel that his sexuality is valued. Why do men prefer if you swallow rather than spit when it comes to that? The reason is because they want their swimmers to feel valued and not go down the bathroom vanity sink. This value is as metaphorical as it is literal, he wants to feel that his sexuality is of value to you. Feeling valued is something that we all hold in high regard. His may be different but just because it is sexual in nature, it isn’t optional or any less important.
Ok so what does this all have to do with sperm competition? Sperm competition is the culmination of both of the above items. A man wants to feel like you are satisfied sexually an he wants to feel valued sexually. His hormones are also greatly triggered by sexual insecurities and sexual uncertainty. Sperm competition has many forms but it usually comes down to some level of threat to his sexual supply (you). While this sounds bad in my clinical, matter of fact mind it really isn’t. You both supply certain things in the relationship and one of the things you bring to the table is sex in the form of reproduction. Women who are more sexually attractive or sexually available are more valuable of a mate and always have been. Men who amass more resources are more valuable to women. In prehistoric times, men with greater muscles are more likely to consistently bring food back to the cave and not die in battle. In modern day times, men who are smarter and have greater family wealth are more likely to be able to provide for women. This sounds bad but for the rest of this article you really need to consider what each of you brings to the table in a very matter of fact way. This isn’t objectifying anyone, it is simply identifying motivations for each of you even if those motivations can make you feel uncomfortable when you break them down.
Stories and Teasing
I was tempted to call this humiliation but that word doesn’t do it justice. It is less about humiliating him and more about playing on his insecurities to make his mind enter a sexual fight or flight mode. This is incredibly arousing and addicting for both. For example, teasing about his penis (SPH) is less about making him feel humiliated and more about making him feel like his access to reproduction is threatened by something that he is unable to change. With that, comes a degree of humiliation but the humiliation is secondary. Tell him stories about ex boyfriends in sexually positive manner is exciting for him and gives him a level of threat that makes him feel uncomfortable and defensive. Stroke him while teasing and there will be very little question that he finds it very exciting indeed. Toying with his sexuality and the strings that he is genetically predisposed to respond to is exhilarating. This sort of teasing makes me feel powerful, it makes me feel like I am tugging the strings and we both enjoy it.
Flirting with others
Have you ever flirted with someone in front of your partner? For most men, this creates an immediate threat and insecure men feel threatened. Those who are secure and trust you will accept the threat and allow it to titilate and excite them. There is no doubt flirting is fun. When we exchange banter as we get to know someone, we have a smile on our face and we feel our heart racing. That feeling of newness makes our hearts pound and our bodies tingle. Have you ever given your phone number to a handsome bartender while your husband was sitting beside you? Taking it up another notch, have you ever asked your husband to give the handsome bartender your number? In addition to sperm competition, flirting with others validates your attractiveness and desirability to other potential mates.
Taking it further
What happens if you decide to take it a step further? What happens if you decide to kiss your flirting fellow? What happens if touching turns to more? As you may have read, this happened to me last year and we brought a third into our household for some time. To me, that felt incredible because it allowed me to experiment with sperm competition on both of them. Not as victims but as lovers in a way wholly intended to use my own sexual value as a tool to manipulate their sexual energies. The word manipulate isn’t intended to be a bad thing here, in fact I was very clear and communicative with both of them. We enjoyed the sexual exclusion, inclusion, tease, denial and even the pushing of boundaries of sexual comfortability. I learned so much about myself and about how guys are wired and how these two fellas are capable of love despite uncertain sexual supply.
Playing with sperm competition is risky but that is the allure of it. You are certainly playing with fire as you explore partners outside of your relationship. The fact there is a risk of getting burned maybe the reason it is so fascinating. If you want to play it safe, consider that sperm competition may not just be a competition between two males but a competition with you for the fulfillment of sexual needs. Without bringing external forces into your relationship, chastity an orgasm is a way to limit your availability and create a sexual adversarial role in your relationship. The adversary here is the cage and the key rather than another male. Orgasm denial invokes many of the same emotions and reactions but they are more subdued and can take days to appear rather than the knee jerk “he is stealing my mate” reaction. These emotions can be overwhelming and if you aren’t sure how your partner will react, start slow and consider starting with chastity to test his reaction.
Tying it all back together
You can do any number of these things to create an aura of sperm competition in your fella. Recognize that this is an uncomfortable feeling for many men and although arousing he may not react the way he expects to. Never jump into something like this head first, always test the water and be prepared to leap out of the water if necessary. Women are taught that using their sexuality is a bad thing and I wholly disagree. In the context of a relationship, use every tool at your disposal especially those tools which are most uncomfortable. Allowing yourself to leave your comfort zone is when you are at your highest level of learning. Understanding what makes you and your partner tick in the most intimate of ways is rewarding in the most unique of ways.
As you begin to play with these emotions and hormones, you will feel more in control of your sex life. The hormonal “newness” levels will increase dramatically and you will bring new relationship energy into your existing relationship. This has absolutely zero chance of fixing relationship problems however it will bring sexual adventure, butterflies and newness back into your primary partnership.